This has actually been a good week. It seems like forever since I have been able to say that and the words come with a huge sigh of relief. I don't know what the magical light of clarity was, but it came and I'm enjoying it's aftermath.
I had stopped wearing my wedding rings about a month ago. I was sick and tired of pretending I was happy and thought I needed to start the process. After about three weeks, my husband noticed. Of course, he was less than thrilled. He kept telling me to put them on and of course, I kept refusing. I told him when I felt married and loved, I would wear them.
Right around the same time, I had to get money out for something and my husband noticed I had a LARGE amount of cash stockpiled. I told him flat out that I was saving for an apartment. He didn't believe me but he couldn't deny the fact that I had an awful lot of money saved to simply look at. I think for the first time, he really got nervous. It finally dawned on him that I was done.
He started actually being kind. He talked gently, he would just hug me for no reason and in general just started acting like my old guy. Finally on St. Patrick's Day he asked if I would please wear my rings when we went out. I told him I would but he'd better earn them.
We have had a great week! He has been loving and sweet and considerate. I feel a calmness that I have not felt in way too long to remember. I admit, it is very hard for me to let my defenses down. If I were in a less weary place, emotionally, I am confident I would still be hostile and unreceptive. I'm just so tired from everything that I haven't put up much of a fight.
This is what I want. I want a husband who looks at me like he loves me. I want to look into his eyes and know that he can't wait to get me alone. I want to see desire and and love. I want to see that when I've been married 50 years. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to start over. I know I would love to be alone but I'm also a realist and know I would start dating someone else again. We all crave companionship. I just don't want a new relationship. I want my old relationship to feel new.
Maybe we have to go through all of this. Nobody said life was easy, after all. Maybe you have to go through the angst to appreciate the "normal." Maybe it's where we are at with the kids that contributes to the woes of our marriage. My kids are great but they are 18 and 17. They are constantly running and doing and I feel like we are non-stop. I don't acknowledge it because it's just our life, but it IS stressful. It never calms down. Once one thing is done, we are gearing up for the next. Prom for the daughter, over. Prom for the son, next month. Dance-outs for the daughter, done. Baseball for the son, just beginning. On and on it goes. We will get our son into college in the fall and then the process of finding one for our daughter begins.
Don't get me wrong. I love having our kids close. We chose this but it is exhausting. I think it is more stressful than I realize.
I don't know what the heck is going on but I know, I like where we are RIGHT now!
