It's my birthday. I am 44 years old. I am a mess. Who woulda thunk it?
I always dreamed I'd be so settled at this age. I'd be sliding into a peaceful, middle-aged complacency. I never imagined I would be this volatile, angry beast. Every day, I go through the motions and make it just one more day forward. I smile when appropriate, I speak when spoken to, I keep house, I work out. I am existing. I am functioning (barely) and I'm miserable.
I want to be joyful. I will myself to be happy. Inside, it's just not there. We are getting along. Well, we are not fighting. I'm not going insane and punching him, so I guess this is progress.
My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "Mom, you are happy." I said, "Well, if happy means insane then yes, I am deliriously so." He told me that my husband and I are fine. All couples have problems and fight sometimes but we are good more than bad. I looked right at him and said, "I am nuts. Have you not noticed the possession going on here?"
He said I was fine. It really got me thinking. Am I thinking too much? Am I trying for perfection when mediocrity should suffice? Is this just a phase and I'll snap out of it? Is this all bigger in my own mind than what is showing?
I don't want to be rash. I don't want to make a decision that will affect every single aspect of my future in a split second or in anger. However, I don't want to be stupid either or taken advantage of. I'm really wondering how much of my "crazy" is me feeling like I just keep giving in and never voicing my wants or needs and it has all built up and now I'm constantly on edge.
I think I'm done. I cannot even drum up enthusiasm for the mission anymore. Doesn't that mean I've given up? I don't think I want this. I look at him and don't want to love him. I dream about my next love. I fantasize about meeting that guy who's going to sweep me off my feet and appreciate me until the day we die together (ok, I'm not sure how much of this is because I just read 50 Shades of Grey and being celibate, it's all about the fantasizing at this point!).
I just know, I am changing. Maybe the shell still looks and sounds the same but I know inside, I am undergoing a complete metamorpheses. I guess only time will tell what that means.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
No Words
What can I say? What can't I say? He's here. I'm here. Nothing's changed. Oh, Kiraly, but that's the story of your life. He knows this. That's why when you have a breakdown, he patiently waits for you to get over yourself and carries on. He's got this all figured out.
I wish I could wallow in self-pity. I wish I could just lie down and not get up for things that have to be done. This is my problem. I have such a strong sense of responsibility. Even though I don't necessarily want to do things, I will. It's ingrained in me. I will not slack. He knows this and he knows that even if I have that "moment," once there are things that have to be taken care of, I will be up and at 'em.
I'm trying so hard to morph back into an independent being. I am putting every ounce of energy I have into remembering Kiraly. Not the wife. Not the mother. Just the girl that used to be me. I used to laugh insatiably every day. I had energy in abundance. I loved to dance. I never dance any more. I never left the dance floor when I was young. Now when we go to the odd wedding and I have a chance to dance, it's a problem. He does not dance. He used to. He never loved it but he used to humor me. Now he claims he never did. Well, I beg to differ. I would NEVER have married a guy that hates to dance. I'm not saying he has to be Fred Astaire but it's about jumping around and having fun. It such a blast if you don't overthink it and just move.
In fact, we rarely have any fun anymore. Last weekend, I went to a friend's house after my son's ballgame. We had one rum and coke which turned into a bottle. Then we got a ride over to another friend's house and kept the party going until LATE into the night. I was drunk. Not buzzed but drunk to the point where when I woke up in the morning I was still drunk. I drink but it's usually a couple of cocktails or wine with dinner. I never really get loaded. Well, let me tell you, I made up for it that night. I loved every minute of it. My husband came over when I was MIA for a few hours and he ended up staying.
That didn't even bother me. Even though I had made up my mind not to speak to him again, I was so in the zone that I didn't even think about him being there. I decided I was going to say and do what I wanted and his opinion be damned. I wasn't going to worry if he was going to shush me or judge me or give me a dirty look. I couldn't care less. When he met me he loved me because I was wild and the life of the party. Since we've been married he has put every ounce of his effort into trying to kill that in me. On one hand, I hate attention. On the other hand, I don't really care what people think of me so when I'm in a moment I'm not really thinking about who's looking at me or saying what. I'm about having fun at that time. Nothing is so dreadful that it can't be laughed at later.
I had a ball. You know what? When he asked me the next morning how I felt, I told him, "I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk." No apologies. No recriminations. I really didn't care what he thought of that. Ironically, he chose to take it well. Normally, he would start in on me. "Well, you did this and said that and were slurring, blah, blah, blah..." I didn't give him a chance. I told him that I knew things weren't going to go well when after two drinks I went into the house and saw two of everything and bounced off of every surface. I hadn't eaten and was out in the sun for hours at the ball game. That and alcohol is a lethal combination. Normally, I'd switch to water. This time, I sent him to the liquor store for more rum.
I'm all done apologizing for being me. He knew who I was when he married me. I've changed as much as I'm willing to. In fact, I really liked me a whole lot better before a husband and kids. I was mellow. I was fun. I didn't take life too seriously. I was not all drama and trauma. This new persona is exhausting. I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point? It's time he changes.
We are done talking. We are done negotiating. We are done trying. I need to find the old me and get back to the business of living MY life, not the life I think I should be living. I will get there. It's slow going but I have faith in me.
I wish I could wallow in self-pity. I wish I could just lie down and not get up for things that have to be done. This is my problem. I have such a strong sense of responsibility. Even though I don't necessarily want to do things, I will. It's ingrained in me. I will not slack. He knows this and he knows that even if I have that "moment," once there are things that have to be taken care of, I will be up and at 'em.
I'm trying so hard to morph back into an independent being. I am putting every ounce of energy I have into remembering Kiraly. Not the wife. Not the mother. Just the girl that used to be me. I used to laugh insatiably every day. I had energy in abundance. I loved to dance. I never dance any more. I never left the dance floor when I was young. Now when we go to the odd wedding and I have a chance to dance, it's a problem. He does not dance. He used to. He never loved it but he used to humor me. Now he claims he never did. Well, I beg to differ. I would NEVER have married a guy that hates to dance. I'm not saying he has to be Fred Astaire but it's about jumping around and having fun. It such a blast if you don't overthink it and just move.
In fact, we rarely have any fun anymore. Last weekend, I went to a friend's house after my son's ballgame. We had one rum and coke which turned into a bottle. Then we got a ride over to another friend's house and kept the party going until LATE into the night. I was drunk. Not buzzed but drunk to the point where when I woke up in the morning I was still drunk. I drink but it's usually a couple of cocktails or wine with dinner. I never really get loaded. Well, let me tell you, I made up for it that night. I loved every minute of it. My husband came over when I was MIA for a few hours and he ended up staying.
That didn't even bother me. Even though I had made up my mind not to speak to him again, I was so in the zone that I didn't even think about him being there. I decided I was going to say and do what I wanted and his opinion be damned. I wasn't going to worry if he was going to shush me or judge me or give me a dirty look. I couldn't care less. When he met me he loved me because I was wild and the life of the party. Since we've been married he has put every ounce of his effort into trying to kill that in me. On one hand, I hate attention. On the other hand, I don't really care what people think of me so when I'm in a moment I'm not really thinking about who's looking at me or saying what. I'm about having fun at that time. Nothing is so dreadful that it can't be laughed at later.
I had a ball. You know what? When he asked me the next morning how I felt, I told him, "I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk." No apologies. No recriminations. I really didn't care what he thought of that. Ironically, he chose to take it well. Normally, he would start in on me. "Well, you did this and said that and were slurring, blah, blah, blah..." I didn't give him a chance. I told him that I knew things weren't going to go well when after two drinks I went into the house and saw two of everything and bounced off of every surface. I hadn't eaten and was out in the sun for hours at the ball game. That and alcohol is a lethal combination. Normally, I'd switch to water. This time, I sent him to the liquor store for more rum.
I'm all done apologizing for being me. He knew who I was when he married me. I've changed as much as I'm willing to. In fact, I really liked me a whole lot better before a husband and kids. I was mellow. I was fun. I didn't take life too seriously. I was not all drama and trauma. This new persona is exhausting. I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point? It's time he changes.
We are done talking. We are done negotiating. We are done trying. I need to find the old me and get back to the business of living MY life, not the life I think I should be living. I will get there. It's slow going but I have faith in me.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Surprise, Surprise! More Lies.
He's still here. There was a baseball game yesterday and a meeting at school. He took the game and I attended the meeting. After the baseball game, he dropped my daughter at dance and then was home.
I asked him why he was here. He said because "we" decided that we were going to work through this and one of us would stay upstairs and one down. I clarified that the night before we said we were doing that overnight because it was too late for him to go to his parents' house by the time things calmed down. I asked him if he remembered promising that he would leave if I did not go to Connecticut. Then I said, "More lies?"
He said, "we are going to work through this. We always do. I'm not going anywhere." I asked him what part of this he was not understanding. I also informed him I totally understand why he would think that because that is what I always do. I threaten and never follow through. He has become my unruly toddler who has no idea what my limits are because they are never enforced. There is no bottom line. Why would he think this time is any different?
I told him that I wished he had just let me go when I was angry. I couldn't believe I was walking out of the house on my children but that spoke to me. That is a desperate woman. Especially when I have rarely in almost 18 years even gone out without my kids. Everything I do, I want them to do. If we go to dinner, I want them with us. I just love being with them all of the time. I know I'm supposed to want adult time and girl time but I'm just not programmed that way. It's going so quickly. I only have them for such a short time and then they are going to be adults, off living their own lives. Even when they were toddlers, everything was just more fun and somehow better with them. Dinner out was an adventure and I loved seeing every new experience through their eyes. Everything was equally thrilling to them and it made me appreciate the small things.
Calm, rational Kiraly is back in place. I don't think I can walk out on them again. I didn't want to go the other night but I was distraught. I was actually afraid of myself. I have never, ever experienced that kind of emotion. It was pure rage. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me. I sobbed. I thought my heart was breaking. My mind was chanting, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" and I was powerless. I have never lost conrol of myself like that. When I was a child, growing up in a family of nine (eight girls), let's just say there was plenty of drama. I never got involved. In fact one of my sisters, who spent tons of time with me growing up told my family that they must love having me for a mom. She assumed I was sweet and never yelled. We quickly corrected that assumption. Just being a wife and mom has brought out a side of me I struggle with.
I hate being the disciplinarian. I actually went to our pediatrician and cried when my kids were very young. I told her that I felt like a shrew. All I did all day was say no and "correct." I hated it. My husband worked so obviously I was doing the bulk of the child-rearing. She told me that I had a choice. Either I could deal with my discomfort for a few years or have disrespectful, ill-behaved kids. Since the latter was not even an option, I sucked it up. She assured me it would only be for a few years that they would test me and then they would know their limits and things would smooth out. She was absolutely right. I don't think I've really had to discipline my childrent since around age 5. They know if I say it, it will happen so they don't push my limits. I just correct and we carry on.
I had to leave the other night. It was not optional. When I came back in and went to my kids to tell them that plans had changed and their dad was going to leave the next day, my daughter was just sitting in bed crying. She was trying so hard to be brave and supportive but tears were just leaking out of her eyes, despite her attempt to halt them. I don't think I can do that to her again. This self-centered dolt does not even realize that this is not a game. We cannot put our children through this at whim. She was dealing with those emotions and coming to terms with the fact I was going. Then I'm sure she processed the fact that her dad was going to be staying with his parents for a while. Now everyone is right here in dysfunctionville. He just doesn't get it.
These are people. They cannot deal with loss and pain and these complex emotions every day. He knows I won't do it to them in a rational state. He was counting on that. He may have won this battle but I am back to strategizing and I will win the war.
I asked him why he was here. He said because "we" decided that we were going to work through this and one of us would stay upstairs and one down. I clarified that the night before we said we were doing that overnight because it was too late for him to go to his parents' house by the time things calmed down. I asked him if he remembered promising that he would leave if I did not go to Connecticut. Then I said, "More lies?"
He said, "we are going to work through this. We always do. I'm not going anywhere." I asked him what part of this he was not understanding. I also informed him I totally understand why he would think that because that is what I always do. I threaten and never follow through. He has become my unruly toddler who has no idea what my limits are because they are never enforced. There is no bottom line. Why would he think this time is any different?
I told him that I wished he had just let me go when I was angry. I couldn't believe I was walking out of the house on my children but that spoke to me. That is a desperate woman. Especially when I have rarely in almost 18 years even gone out without my kids. Everything I do, I want them to do. If we go to dinner, I want them with us. I just love being with them all of the time. I know I'm supposed to want adult time and girl time but I'm just not programmed that way. It's going so quickly. I only have them for such a short time and then they are going to be adults, off living their own lives. Even when they were toddlers, everything was just more fun and somehow better with them. Dinner out was an adventure and I loved seeing every new experience through their eyes. Everything was equally thrilling to them and it made me appreciate the small things.
Calm, rational Kiraly is back in place. I don't think I can walk out on them again. I didn't want to go the other night but I was distraught. I was actually afraid of myself. I have never, ever experienced that kind of emotion. It was pure rage. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me. I sobbed. I thought my heart was breaking. My mind was chanting, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" and I was powerless. I have never lost conrol of myself like that. When I was a child, growing up in a family of nine (eight girls), let's just say there was plenty of drama. I never got involved. In fact one of my sisters, who spent tons of time with me growing up told my family that they must love having me for a mom. She assumed I was sweet and never yelled. We quickly corrected that assumption. Just being a wife and mom has brought out a side of me I struggle with.
I hate being the disciplinarian. I actually went to our pediatrician and cried when my kids were very young. I told her that I felt like a shrew. All I did all day was say no and "correct." I hated it. My husband worked so obviously I was doing the bulk of the child-rearing. She told me that I had a choice. Either I could deal with my discomfort for a few years or have disrespectful, ill-behaved kids. Since the latter was not even an option, I sucked it up. She assured me it would only be for a few years that they would test me and then they would know their limits and things would smooth out. She was absolutely right. I don't think I've really had to discipline my childrent since around age 5. They know if I say it, it will happen so they don't push my limits. I just correct and we carry on.
I had to leave the other night. It was not optional. When I came back in and went to my kids to tell them that plans had changed and their dad was going to leave the next day, my daughter was just sitting in bed crying. She was trying so hard to be brave and supportive but tears were just leaking out of her eyes, despite her attempt to halt them. I don't think I can do that to her again. This self-centered dolt does not even realize that this is not a game. We cannot put our children through this at whim. She was dealing with those emotions and coming to terms with the fact I was going. Then I'm sure she processed the fact that her dad was going to be staying with his parents for a while. Now everyone is right here in dysfunctionville. He just doesn't get it.
These are people. They cannot deal with loss and pain and these complex emotions every day. He knows I won't do it to them in a rational state. He was counting on that. He may have won this battle but I am back to strategizing and I will win the war.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Snapped!
Well, it's happened. I wondered how long I could control myself. I lost my mind last night. I actually physically went after my husband. I now know what it feels like to be possessed.
There has been a fragile peace in our home. I have been too tired to keep talking about the same things. It's obvious nothing is going to change so I've been just plugging away at this thing called life and not worrying too much about my marriage.
We discovered there may be some medical issues which are causing my husband's wild behavior. He does not have a follow-up appointment until June so I was just waiting. I don't want him to have a medical problem but I have to admit, it would have been a relief. When I say this man is a stranger to me, that is NOT an understatement. Some of the "symptoms" of what may be wrong with him are mood swings, irritability, and mental confustion. I would say that sums it up. I was kind of hoping that I could just blame the last couple of years on poor health, forgive it all and start over with my new healthy husband.
I realized last night that will be impossible. I am broken. I am keeping a tentative hold on my sanity and it's slipping away bit by bit. I knew I was repressing. I knew I had resentment and hostility and anger bottled up. I had no idea it was simmering so close to the surface. I had no idea I was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
It started at dinner. My son and I were discussing his impending trip to Spain this summer. My husband had not been told yet about it. I just don't tell him anything anymore because I'm tired of the inevitable disagreements. Right away he started asking financial questions. Is there a fund raiser? How much is this going to cost? I told him not to worry about it. I've been looking into some jobs and plan on getting one soon so I would cover his trip. One thing led to another and I said, "Why did you want this family? Why did you want children? I feel like we are a burden to you and all you do is complain about how much we cost you."
He put his hand up (in the "talk to the hand" gesture.) I told him not to. He said, "I just did." I lost my mind. I told him I am not some accessory that he gets to ignore and treat like a dog. I told him I am sick and tired of him not letting me have any input in our lives and him always trying to silence me. I told him for someone who wants to save our marriage and show me he loves me, he sure has a funny way of doing so. Of course, I got the "but it's ok that you do it?"
I exploded. I screamed that I wish I'd never laid eyes on him. I asked him where the hell our money is. We paid off our debt only to have bigger financial issues. Nothing was changing, everything was just getting worse and I couldn't take it. He was looking at me with that disgusted look on his face and I just started punching him as I was screaming. I wanted to hurt him. I am so sick of trying to fix him while inside I am shattering into a million tiny little pieces. I am tired of being patient and thoughtful while he does NOTHING to change. I am sick of his lies and excuses and deflection and blame. If he wants to blame me for behaving badly, at least now he has something to back it up.
Then I went to the attic and grabbed a suitcase. I started grabbing whatever I could find and throwing it in. I took a little break to sob hysterically on my bedroom floor. My daughter came in and helped me pack. I told her I just can't do it any more. I told her not to be sad but I had to go because I was going to literally go crazy if I didn't. She said she understood and told me I was the strongest, most brave woman she knew and that she loves me very much. I knew her heart was breaking and she still knew it was best that I go.
I went downstairs and of course my husband was waiting at the door. He actually waved (in a super mocking way). I told him, "I hope that was really the last thing you wanted to share with me because you are STILL not getting this." Then he told me that none of that had to happen because he had only asked about a fund raiser and "it didn't need to go there." Then of course he told me if I left the kids weren't getting to school the next day. Then he told me he hoped I was happy that our daughter was upstairs crying her eyes out.
I said that indeed, I was not happy. I also said that I have NEVER put myself before the happiness of my kids so I think me leaving was pretty indicative of just how bad things were. I couldn't stay. I could not endure one more moment with this idiot. Then I pointed out that he STILL was not getting it. His wife was leaving him and the only thing he could think to say to me was how it was all my fault. He acted the way he did because I acted the way I did. More deflection. I told him things were never going to change because he cannot even own his behavior so how was he going to change it?
Then he said, "it's ok that you punched me and attacked me?" I said, "NOOOOO!!!!! It is NOT ok. I have become an animal. I am not ok with being insane." He told me I was crazy. I agreed 100%. I am crazy. In the attempt to do what I thought was right, I have lost my mind. That was exactly why I had to go. He did not get it. I feel like he just has no clue. He said that I flip flop. I tell him I love him and want to stay married and then I want to leave.
I explained that when I tell him what is in my heart, I mean that. I tell him I do NOT want a divorce. I want to love him and be happy like we used to be. When I say that, I mean it. Just because I want it, does not mean it can be. If we cannot live together without this dysfunction than that dream will never be realized. I told him that we both agreed to work to make this marriage last and I have not seen one change in him. I am all done doing it alone. He wants me to shut up and things to go back to the way they were and that's not happening.
He followed me out to the car and wouldn't get out. I told him that he is waiting for me to roll over. I told him that is my fault as well. Every major decision that we have ever made, I rolled over. We got married where he wanted to. We had a huge wedding because he wanted to. We lived where he wanted in the house that he wanted. We had two kids because he wanted them. He made promises that if I gave in on these things that I would get the things I wanted later. It's been 22 years and I have not gotten one thing yet. More lies.
He told me to stay and that he would go today. It makes sense. If I leave, I will go to Connecticut. That is the only place that I would feel comfortable. If he leaves, he can go to his parents in town. I told him that was fine but he is going. If he doesn't, I am leaving and no second chances. I also told him if he makes me put my kids through what they went through last night again, those little punches will be nothing compared to what I will do to him.
There has been a fragile peace in our home. I have been too tired to keep talking about the same things. It's obvious nothing is going to change so I've been just plugging away at this thing called life and not worrying too much about my marriage.
We discovered there may be some medical issues which are causing my husband's wild behavior. He does not have a follow-up appointment until June so I was just waiting. I don't want him to have a medical problem but I have to admit, it would have been a relief. When I say this man is a stranger to me, that is NOT an understatement. Some of the "symptoms" of what may be wrong with him are mood swings, irritability, and mental confustion. I would say that sums it up. I was kind of hoping that I could just blame the last couple of years on poor health, forgive it all and start over with my new healthy husband.
I realized last night that will be impossible. I am broken. I am keeping a tentative hold on my sanity and it's slipping away bit by bit. I knew I was repressing. I knew I had resentment and hostility and anger bottled up. I had no idea it was simmering so close to the surface. I had no idea I was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
It started at dinner. My son and I were discussing his impending trip to Spain this summer. My husband had not been told yet about it. I just don't tell him anything anymore because I'm tired of the inevitable disagreements. Right away he started asking financial questions. Is there a fund raiser? How much is this going to cost? I told him not to worry about it. I've been looking into some jobs and plan on getting one soon so I would cover his trip. One thing led to another and I said, "Why did you want this family? Why did you want children? I feel like we are a burden to you and all you do is complain about how much we cost you."
He put his hand up (in the "talk to the hand" gesture.) I told him not to. He said, "I just did." I lost my mind. I told him I am not some accessory that he gets to ignore and treat like a dog. I told him I am sick and tired of him not letting me have any input in our lives and him always trying to silence me. I told him for someone who wants to save our marriage and show me he loves me, he sure has a funny way of doing so. Of course, I got the "but it's ok that you do it?"
I exploded. I screamed that I wish I'd never laid eyes on him. I asked him where the hell our money is. We paid off our debt only to have bigger financial issues. Nothing was changing, everything was just getting worse and I couldn't take it. He was looking at me with that disgusted look on his face and I just started punching him as I was screaming. I wanted to hurt him. I am so sick of trying to fix him while inside I am shattering into a million tiny little pieces. I am tired of being patient and thoughtful while he does NOTHING to change. I am sick of his lies and excuses and deflection and blame. If he wants to blame me for behaving badly, at least now he has something to back it up.
Then I went to the attic and grabbed a suitcase. I started grabbing whatever I could find and throwing it in. I took a little break to sob hysterically on my bedroom floor. My daughter came in and helped me pack. I told her I just can't do it any more. I told her not to be sad but I had to go because I was going to literally go crazy if I didn't. She said she understood and told me I was the strongest, most brave woman she knew and that she loves me very much. I knew her heart was breaking and she still knew it was best that I go.
I went downstairs and of course my husband was waiting at the door. He actually waved (in a super mocking way). I told him, "I hope that was really the last thing you wanted to share with me because you are STILL not getting this." Then he told me that none of that had to happen because he had only asked about a fund raiser and "it didn't need to go there." Then of course he told me if I left the kids weren't getting to school the next day. Then he told me he hoped I was happy that our daughter was upstairs crying her eyes out.
I said that indeed, I was not happy. I also said that I have NEVER put myself before the happiness of my kids so I think me leaving was pretty indicative of just how bad things were. I couldn't stay. I could not endure one more moment with this idiot. Then I pointed out that he STILL was not getting it. His wife was leaving him and the only thing he could think to say to me was how it was all my fault. He acted the way he did because I acted the way I did. More deflection. I told him things were never going to change because he cannot even own his behavior so how was he going to change it?
Then he said, "it's ok that you punched me and attacked me?" I said, "NOOOOO!!!!! It is NOT ok. I have become an animal. I am not ok with being insane." He told me I was crazy. I agreed 100%. I am crazy. In the attempt to do what I thought was right, I have lost my mind. That was exactly why I had to go. He did not get it. I feel like he just has no clue. He said that I flip flop. I tell him I love him and want to stay married and then I want to leave.
I explained that when I tell him what is in my heart, I mean that. I tell him I do NOT want a divorce. I want to love him and be happy like we used to be. When I say that, I mean it. Just because I want it, does not mean it can be. If we cannot live together without this dysfunction than that dream will never be realized. I told him that we both agreed to work to make this marriage last and I have not seen one change in him. I am all done doing it alone. He wants me to shut up and things to go back to the way they were and that's not happening.
He followed me out to the car and wouldn't get out. I told him that he is waiting for me to roll over. I told him that is my fault as well. Every major decision that we have ever made, I rolled over. We got married where he wanted to. We had a huge wedding because he wanted to. We lived where he wanted in the house that he wanted. We had two kids because he wanted them. He made promises that if I gave in on these things that I would get the things I wanted later. It's been 22 years and I have not gotten one thing yet. More lies.
He told me to stay and that he would go today. It makes sense. If I leave, I will go to Connecticut. That is the only place that I would feel comfortable. If he leaves, he can go to his parents in town. I told him that was fine but he is going. If he doesn't, I am leaving and no second chances. I also told him if he makes me put my kids through what they went through last night again, those little punches will be nothing compared to what I will do to him.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Just A Spoonful Of Anger
Well, luckily for me, I am so mercurial that moods don't often last long in my world. I do believe I am snapped out of my "depressed" phase and just plain angry. I think things have been just trudging along and that was why I lost my enthusiasm. It made me second guess. That's over.
My husband wanted an argument last night. I refused to speak to him. He would not shut up so I finally said that I was not engaging in behavior that better suits two children on a playground. The back and forth petty, ugliness is over. Of course, his response, "Oh, but it's ok the way you talk to me?" (He really needs to get a new comeback). I pointed out that it was not ok but if he's noticed I have not been snapping. I have been putting every ounce of effort I have to not point out every snarky, nasty thing that comes out of his mouth in a day.
Then I told him I was actually considering coming to him and telling him I just wanted to start over. I wanted to clean the slate, forget all of the ugliness and move forward in a positive, healthy way for the sake of our family. I was glad last night that he showed me, yet again, how impossible that is. I pointed out that once he is in a behavior, it is impossible for him to change. It just becomes him. He cannot grasp the concept of change or growth. Honestly, that is the most frustrating part of my life right now. I have NEVER in my life met a person who just doesn't understand that he has complete control over his behavior and the outcome of his life.
He does not grasp that if he could just control himself this would be over. If he could remember the way he used to speak to me and treat me, all would be done. I'm not a mean person. I'm not a controlling person. I am the most forgiving person I know and I can get past almost anything. I would have forgiven him everything. I just want peace. He can't do it. He will not change. Last night really turned the lights on for me. This will not happen because I will it. I know he loves me. I know he wants our marriage to work. He just cannot comprehend that he has the power to make that happen. I don't have the strength to carry us both any more.
I needed last night. I needed that slap in the face. I paced around and fumed and then sat down to blog. He muttered in the background the whole time about me "making stuff up" etc. How can he even say this stuff when what happened JUST transpired two minutes ago? Then he sarcastically called out from the living room asking if I could set up a facebook page and a blog for him so he could go write stuff after it happens. This is what I'm dealing with. I can't. He is a child. He has no clue how to be a man. He has no clue how to be a father or a husband.
He spends so much time emulating me that he has lost his opportunity to forge relationships with his children. He is so busy worrying and wondering how I would talk to them that he's lost the ability to just talk. He never just speaks to them as himself. He is so busy "correcting" things that aren't wrong that he's wasting their entire childhoods. He is going to have so many regrets. I cannot worry about that though. The love I have for him wants me to spare him that but at the end of the day this is his life.
I have to make a life for myself. This life isn't mine. I am not me. I want to wake up and look in the mirror and see the happy, joyful person I have always been. I don't want to stare at this defeated, burdened person. She is a stranger. I'm not comfortable any longer and I have to take back control. It is the only way to salvage what's left of the Kiraly I knew.
My husband wanted an argument last night. I refused to speak to him. He would not shut up so I finally said that I was not engaging in behavior that better suits two children on a playground. The back and forth petty, ugliness is over. Of course, his response, "Oh, but it's ok the way you talk to me?" (He really needs to get a new comeback). I pointed out that it was not ok but if he's noticed I have not been snapping. I have been putting every ounce of effort I have to not point out every snarky, nasty thing that comes out of his mouth in a day.
Then I told him I was actually considering coming to him and telling him I just wanted to start over. I wanted to clean the slate, forget all of the ugliness and move forward in a positive, healthy way for the sake of our family. I was glad last night that he showed me, yet again, how impossible that is. I pointed out that once he is in a behavior, it is impossible for him to change. It just becomes him. He cannot grasp the concept of change or growth. Honestly, that is the most frustrating part of my life right now. I have NEVER in my life met a person who just doesn't understand that he has complete control over his behavior and the outcome of his life.
He does not grasp that if he could just control himself this would be over. If he could remember the way he used to speak to me and treat me, all would be done. I'm not a mean person. I'm not a controlling person. I am the most forgiving person I know and I can get past almost anything. I would have forgiven him everything. I just want peace. He can't do it. He will not change. Last night really turned the lights on for me. This will not happen because I will it. I know he loves me. I know he wants our marriage to work. He just cannot comprehend that he has the power to make that happen. I don't have the strength to carry us both any more.
I needed last night. I needed that slap in the face. I paced around and fumed and then sat down to blog. He muttered in the background the whole time about me "making stuff up" etc. How can he even say this stuff when what happened JUST transpired two minutes ago? Then he sarcastically called out from the living room asking if I could set up a facebook page and a blog for him so he could go write stuff after it happens. This is what I'm dealing with. I can't. He is a child. He has no clue how to be a man. He has no clue how to be a father or a husband.
He spends so much time emulating me that he has lost his opportunity to forge relationships with his children. He is so busy worrying and wondering how I would talk to them that he's lost the ability to just talk. He never just speaks to them as himself. He is so busy "correcting" things that aren't wrong that he's wasting their entire childhoods. He is going to have so many regrets. I cannot worry about that though. The love I have for him wants me to spare him that but at the end of the day this is his life.
I have to make a life for myself. This life isn't mine. I am not me. I want to wake up and look in the mirror and see the happy, joyful person I have always been. I don't want to stare at this defeated, burdened person. She is a stranger. I'm not comfortable any longer and I have to take back control. It is the only way to salvage what's left of the Kiraly I knew.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
No Sleep For Me
I was so exhausted. I have been yawning since this evening but there will be no sleep for me for quite some time. Anger has a way of motivating one to overcome the most basic of needs.
I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. If I write this enough will that motivate my pathetic self to move? If I realize how useless this man-child I am with really is, will that motivate me to move?
My happiness is within my power. My happiness is within my grasp. It is beyond time to stop whining about my situation and change it. How long has this been my pathetic rant? Months. I went from hope and belief that my marriage would make it through our "bumps" and be the loving union it was to an absolute certainty that this man is insane.
I am all done taking responsibility for any of this. I am all done shouldering blame for things I am blameless. He is crazy. That is our problem. I have been patient. I have been supportive. I have been understanding and now I am just fed up.
Some people cannot change. They are so busy blaming everyone around them for their behavior that they never realize it just might be them. They are so busy looking for reasons to excuse themselves for their rotten personalities that they forget that everyone has potential for growth. Everyone needs work. Everyone can find what is wrong in them and work on changing it.
I have reached my quota of delusional immature people. I am beyond my boundaries for tolerating people berating me and talking down to me with no consequences. I am sick to death of being nice for the sake of being nice. I am done trying to find the good and light in everyone and help everyone.
I need to help myself. I need to get my head out of my ass and move forward with my life. The hell with waiting for everyone to catch up. They don't deserve to be with me on my journey. They don't deserve to be in the same room with me and I'm all done dumbing myself down and tolerating mistreatment in the name of peace.
My husband treats me worse than we have ever treated any dog. He speaks to me like his worst enemy and when I call him on it, the only response he can come up with is, "Ohhhh....but you treat me well?" No. I don't. I hate him. He hates me and trying to make something work that should have been shot to death years ago is stupid and useless and just dumb.
I am done.
I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. If I write this enough will that motivate my pathetic self to move? If I realize how useless this man-child I am with really is, will that motivate me to move?
My happiness is within my power. My happiness is within my grasp. It is beyond time to stop whining about my situation and change it. How long has this been my pathetic rant? Months. I went from hope and belief that my marriage would make it through our "bumps" and be the loving union it was to an absolute certainty that this man is insane.
I am all done taking responsibility for any of this. I am all done shouldering blame for things I am blameless. He is crazy. That is our problem. I have been patient. I have been supportive. I have been understanding and now I am just fed up.
Some people cannot change. They are so busy blaming everyone around them for their behavior that they never realize it just might be them. They are so busy looking for reasons to excuse themselves for their rotten personalities that they forget that everyone has potential for growth. Everyone needs work. Everyone can find what is wrong in them and work on changing it.
I have reached my quota of delusional immature people. I am beyond my boundaries for tolerating people berating me and talking down to me with no consequences. I am sick to death of being nice for the sake of being nice. I am done trying to find the good and light in everyone and help everyone.
I need to help myself. I need to get my head out of my ass and move forward with my life. The hell with waiting for everyone to catch up. They don't deserve to be with me on my journey. They don't deserve to be in the same room with me and I'm all done dumbing myself down and tolerating mistreatment in the name of peace.
My husband treats me worse than we have ever treated any dog. He speaks to me like his worst enemy and when I call him on it, the only response he can come up with is, "Ohhhh....but you treat me well?" No. I don't. I hate him. He hates me and trying to make something work that should have been shot to death years ago is stupid and useless and just dumb.
I am done.
Snap Out Of It!
I'm depressed. I'm depressed that I'm depressed. I started Spring with such enthusiasm and promise and now I feel like it's all been sucked out of me.
I am adrift. I don't want to do anything. I want to lie on the couch and slip in and out of sleep all day. It's so beautiful out. I take the dog for his walk and then hurry back into my cave and shut myself away for the rest of the day. I don't even care that I'm doing it.
I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being frustrated. I'm tired of all of the fighting and snapping. Yesterday my son and husband got into a disagreement. My husband has told me a million times not to interfere when he is having an issue with the kids. I have really been trying to respect that request. Right away, he came into the living room and tried to tell me all about it. I told him I didn't want to hear it. He said, "Well, you're gonna hear it." I said, "Have you noticed that the last two days I have been watching incessant tv? There is a reason for that. If I pay enough attention to that, I don't need to remember I'm a participating part of this family." At that, he walked away. I NEVER watch tv so that must have clued him in to exactly how much I'm trying to distract myself.
I don't have the enthusiasm to work out. I have been having a terrible pain in my right hand. I opened the refrigerator one day and I got an excruciating pain as I grabbed the handle. It has hurt since. It does not hurt when I am not touching anything but the minute I try to pick up or push anything, it hurts. Yesterday, I attempted kettlebells just to do something. The pain had moved over to my left palm as well and I thought they were feeling better. After vacuuming the whole house the day before yesterday and then the kettlebells yesterday, by last night my hands just hurt.
Since I just had bloodwork and it all came back fine, I'm wondering if this is not a psychological manifestation of my depression. I wondered how long I could bear my sadness without some affect. Maybe this is where my symptoms decided to show themselves. It makes a very convenient problem to prevent me from doing anything and spending more time sitting and thinking.
I just want to tell my husband that I want to start over. I want to forget all of these last couple of crazy years and see if we can't just move forward and be happy. I know it's impossible though. I have said as much before and he just doesn't understand how to do that. He falls into old patterns more easily than anyone I've ever met. I tell him I want to stop the bickering and arguing, especially with the children. He agrees and the next thing I know, he is fighting with the kids. He has no clue how to stop, really stop, bad habits. He just doesn't get it and I know it won't ever happen.
It's horrible to say but if my kids were not an issue, I'd already be gone. I know this. I'm so scared to change their lives. Despite the dysfunction, they are really great, happy kids. I am never disappointed in them. I don't know a mom of a 16 and 17 year old that can say that. They just always make the right decisions and don't put themselves in situations that could be dangerous. They are great in school, have lots of friends, are well-mannered and pleasant and I'm so afraid to rock the boat.
Rationally, I know staying with things the way they are is not good for them. I know that if I were away from their dad I would be so much happier and in turn a better mom and a better person. I'm so used to burying what I want for everyone else that I think deep down I am trying to find a way that I can suck this up and just make it work. I know I am trying to figure out a way I can shut my mouth, put on my smile and just forget that my relationship with my husband is more of a roommate situation than a love affair. I'm trying to determine if I can go two more years with no physical intimacy, noone ever touching me, no worthwhile conversation, no disagreements because I choose to shut my mouth, not because there are no problems.
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I also know I do not want to stay in Elmira or the surrounding area. So, do I move out just to move to Connecticut in two years? Once my kids are in college I am going home. I have tried for 20 years to make this my home and it's just not working. I love the people here but I just don't like the area. I want to be by the beach. I love everything about Connecticut and in my heart, I've always known I'd be back.
I wish I had a crystal ball or a magic wand and this part of my life would be behind me. I don't do sadness often but apparently when I decide to run with it, I pick up the speed of a runaway train and God help anything that gets in my way.
I am adrift. I don't want to do anything. I want to lie on the couch and slip in and out of sleep all day. It's so beautiful out. I take the dog for his walk and then hurry back into my cave and shut myself away for the rest of the day. I don't even care that I'm doing it.
I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being frustrated. I'm tired of all of the fighting and snapping. Yesterday my son and husband got into a disagreement. My husband has told me a million times not to interfere when he is having an issue with the kids. I have really been trying to respect that request. Right away, he came into the living room and tried to tell me all about it. I told him I didn't want to hear it. He said, "Well, you're gonna hear it." I said, "Have you noticed that the last two days I have been watching incessant tv? There is a reason for that. If I pay enough attention to that, I don't need to remember I'm a participating part of this family." At that, he walked away. I NEVER watch tv so that must have clued him in to exactly how much I'm trying to distract myself.
I don't have the enthusiasm to work out. I have been having a terrible pain in my right hand. I opened the refrigerator one day and I got an excruciating pain as I grabbed the handle. It has hurt since. It does not hurt when I am not touching anything but the minute I try to pick up or push anything, it hurts. Yesterday, I attempted kettlebells just to do something. The pain had moved over to my left palm as well and I thought they were feeling better. After vacuuming the whole house the day before yesterday and then the kettlebells yesterday, by last night my hands just hurt.
Since I just had bloodwork and it all came back fine, I'm wondering if this is not a psychological manifestation of my depression. I wondered how long I could bear my sadness without some affect. Maybe this is where my symptoms decided to show themselves. It makes a very convenient problem to prevent me from doing anything and spending more time sitting and thinking.
I just want to tell my husband that I want to start over. I want to forget all of these last couple of crazy years and see if we can't just move forward and be happy. I know it's impossible though. I have said as much before and he just doesn't understand how to do that. He falls into old patterns more easily than anyone I've ever met. I tell him I want to stop the bickering and arguing, especially with the children. He agrees and the next thing I know, he is fighting with the kids. He has no clue how to stop, really stop, bad habits. He just doesn't get it and I know it won't ever happen.
It's horrible to say but if my kids were not an issue, I'd already be gone. I know this. I'm so scared to change their lives. Despite the dysfunction, they are really great, happy kids. I am never disappointed in them. I don't know a mom of a 16 and 17 year old that can say that. They just always make the right decisions and don't put themselves in situations that could be dangerous. They are great in school, have lots of friends, are well-mannered and pleasant and I'm so afraid to rock the boat.
Rationally, I know staying with things the way they are is not good for them. I know that if I were away from their dad I would be so much happier and in turn a better mom and a better person. I'm so used to burying what I want for everyone else that I think deep down I am trying to find a way that I can suck this up and just make it work. I know I am trying to figure out a way I can shut my mouth, put on my smile and just forget that my relationship with my husband is more of a roommate situation than a love affair. I'm trying to determine if I can go two more years with no physical intimacy, noone ever touching me, no worthwhile conversation, no disagreements because I choose to shut my mouth, not because there are no problems.
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I also know I do not want to stay in Elmira or the surrounding area. So, do I move out just to move to Connecticut in two years? Once my kids are in college I am going home. I have tried for 20 years to make this my home and it's just not working. I love the people here but I just don't like the area. I want to be by the beach. I love everything about Connecticut and in my heart, I've always known I'd be back.
I wish I had a crystal ball or a magic wand and this part of my life would be behind me. I don't do sadness often but apparently when I decide to run with it, I pick up the speed of a runaway train and God help anything that gets in my way.
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