The other night we had come home from dinner at the in-laws and while I watered the grass out front my husband was leaving to go sit for time (a silly requirement to get time off at his job). We talked for a minute. As I mentioned before, I really don't look at his face and certainly, rarely, in his eyes. We were getting along pretty well and I think he just acted instinctually but he leaned in to kiss me good bye.
We used to always kiss hello and good bye. It was one of those things that we just "did." It was mindless and insignificant, until it no longer happened. That was when I realized how significant that little, taken for granted, peck every day is.
As he leaned in, I looked up at him (I was shocked, I think) and I saw the briefest flash of something in his eyes. It was so clear it was practically tangible. I was incredulous. What I saw in his eyes as I looked up could only be described as uncertainty or perhaps even fear. It was gone as quickly as it came, but I know what I saw.
As he drove away, I really thought about this. My husband has always been a very shy, humble man. It was one of the things that drew me to him. He's not shy with friends, etc. but he's just kind of uncertain of his worth. He's beautiful. I'm talking if he worked out and took his health at all serious, he could be a model. He has a classic bone structure and nice even features. His eyes are a gorgeous green and his teeth are perfect (no braces either!). I used to just stare at him and think how lucky I was that he chose me. However, he has no clue (probably why he did choose me!). He has no idea how very attractive women find him.
I have always taken control with him. If I had not moved things along, we would still be staring at eachother across the room. I got the vibe in college that he was interested but until I made it blatantly clear that I was interested as well, he would not make a move. He later said that he "never thought a girl like me would even look at him." Whatever that means. Seems like we were both thinking the other was far too attractive for us at that time. That's ironic.
I thought about that look in his eyes for about two hours. Finally, I bit the bullet. I sent him a text. I told him that I missed the "old us." I told him that this living in the same house and having no relationship was killing me. I admitted that I still love him, so much that my heart hurts all of the time. I told him I hurt him because I want him to feel one ounce of what I feel every day. I have been assuming that he just doesn't care.
Despite the 4,000 conversations we've had, I assumed he thought things were running smoothly. I have told him, he will fix us this time and I will not be doing one thing to progress matters. I have done all of the work so far and now I'm just being stubborn. I assumed because he was not overtly doing anything to fix us that he assumed things were fine. I thought he was comfortable living in a house and not having a marriage. That one brief flash in his eyes changed that for me.
I remembered the boy I met. The beautiful boy who was so unsure of himself. The boy I had to write the script for and lead around throughout our whole courtship because he just didn't know how. He's who I fell in love with. I liked having control. Is it now fair for me to expect him to be able to change roles and just figure it out? He is so afraid to make a mistake that he has become paralyzed with indecisiveness. I decided this would be my last attempt.
He wrote back and said he missed us too. He also said he wanted some time alone with me. He felt like we need some time away from the kids. It's true. I am with my kids 24/7. They are not typical teens. They are almost always home. If they go out, they are home early (usually by 9 p.m. and if they are really being crazy it's 11). They have friends over alot to hang out. I love that. Listening to them laughing and talking just soothes something in me. However, it does not leave much time for intimacy. Our bedrooms are VERY close so if there are kids in the bedrooms, we have no privacy. There are always kids in the living room and even outside on the deck. We are literally always with one or the other of our children.
When my husband came home the next day from work, he came right over and kissed me. I did sense his hesitancy but I turned with a smile and stretched my face up, making it clear it was a welcome advance. We have touched eachother more in two days than we have in two years. I admit, I'm finding it hard to thaw. I have built up such a wall around me that I don't feel that flutter I always felt and that liquid melting that was instant whenever he touched me.
I'm willing to work at it though. I am not so stubborn or in need to get my way that I will sacrifice 22 years and the father of my children to have things my way. I was getting lost in what mattered. I want my marriage to work. That is the bottom line. My pride, not necessarily anything else, was holding that up. I felt like I had always given in on everything and that it was his turn. That one look reminded me of the reason why it's always been that way. It's not fair to change the rules this far into the game.
I am hopeful, yet again.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Keep A Lid On It
The pot is bubbling over. I am no longer able to put the lid on and contain the emotions. Slowly, they have been emerging. Lately, they are right there at all times, rising up until they slide slowly from my mouth.
My anger is palpable. I don't even try to be amicable. I want him to be miserable. I am resentful when he breezes in the door from work, full of energy and happiness. I used to try to embrace it and feed on it, hoping it would ease my darkness. I don't try any more. I stay in my dark place and hate him for the time he gets to forget me/us every day. I ignore him and hope that he feels a smidgeon of the sorrow I feel all day.
I am mourning the loss of my marriage and he is blithely skipping through his days. He is content. I say this all of the time because I am incredulous. He is comfortable with our dysfunction. There is no relationship between us. We co-parent. Actually, that's being generous. I parent and he just hovers around the house. The kids and I are one unit and he flits in and out of "our" place. He works and pays the bills and wakes up to do it all over again.
These are his choices. I tried to include him. Now, I just don't care. I don't try to mask what I feel for the sake of the kids or the sake of appearances. It is what it is. I don't care who knows. Soon enough everyone will know when we are not together. I might as well lay the groundwork. His parents know something is awry. I disagree with him all of the time now. I don't just shut my mouth and let him have the last word like I used to. I don't back down and I can see it makes his mom uncomfortable. Her philosophy has always been just to be quiet. If you don't give them an answer the argument has to stop. I can't do it.
I have been ignored and neglected for too long. I will have his attention, even if it's all negative. This is how repulsive I have become. I feel badly about myself because my husband doesn't want me. I feel badly about myself because I have become a mean, petty witch. I have to come out of this place. It is destructive. It is sad. It has no purpose. When will I stop thinking about it and just do it? When will all the "have to's" in my life take a backseat to what I need to do for myself? I feel selfish wanting to rock the boat. If I don't rock it soon, I'm afraid it's going to capsize on it's own and I will yet again be drowning in a sea of regret.
My anger is palpable. I don't even try to be amicable. I want him to be miserable. I am resentful when he breezes in the door from work, full of energy and happiness. I used to try to embrace it and feed on it, hoping it would ease my darkness. I don't try any more. I stay in my dark place and hate him for the time he gets to forget me/us every day. I ignore him and hope that he feels a smidgeon of the sorrow I feel all day.
I am mourning the loss of my marriage and he is blithely skipping through his days. He is content. I say this all of the time because I am incredulous. He is comfortable with our dysfunction. There is no relationship between us. We co-parent. Actually, that's being generous. I parent and he just hovers around the house. The kids and I are one unit and he flits in and out of "our" place. He works and pays the bills and wakes up to do it all over again.
These are his choices. I tried to include him. Now, I just don't care. I don't try to mask what I feel for the sake of the kids or the sake of appearances. It is what it is. I don't care who knows. Soon enough everyone will know when we are not together. I might as well lay the groundwork. His parents know something is awry. I disagree with him all of the time now. I don't just shut my mouth and let him have the last word like I used to. I don't back down and I can see it makes his mom uncomfortable. Her philosophy has always been just to be quiet. If you don't give them an answer the argument has to stop. I can't do it.
I have been ignored and neglected for too long. I will have his attention, even if it's all negative. This is how repulsive I have become. I feel badly about myself because my husband doesn't want me. I feel badly about myself because I have become a mean, petty witch. I have to come out of this place. It is destructive. It is sad. It has no purpose. When will I stop thinking about it and just do it? When will all the "have to's" in my life take a backseat to what I need to do for myself? I feel selfish wanting to rock the boat. If I don't rock it soon, I'm afraid it's going to capsize on it's own and I will yet again be drowning in a sea of regret.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Slow Down Summer
I am in a panic. I feel like my summer is flying by. Usually summer is our time to slow down and just spend lazy days and evenings together as a family. This summer, I feel as though it's even busier than the school year was.
Almost every weekend we have had a baseball tournament. No, actually, I'm pretty sure it's been EVERY weekend, not 'almost every.' Dance has not slowed down at all either. Granted, we are not driving to classes five days a week but there have been competitions, dance outs, etc.
I have had meetings about the Spain trip. There are fundraisers for it as well. This weekend alone, we have a tournament both days (possibly three days), a dance out on Saturday, a graduation party, the fundraiser on Sunday (which means us cooking and serving at a spaghetti supper) and who knows what I'm forgetting.
I have yet to make an appointment for my son's senior pictures, which have to be done this summer. My daughter needs an appointment at the eye doctor, which I forgot to make in the spring and an appointment at the dermatologist, just to keep an eye on a mole she has had since birth that I like to get checked every year. My son needs a follow up at the cardiologist for a heart murmur that has developed but it is supposed to be done when baseball has ended. That has yet to happen. We all have dentist appointments, there is the monthly orthodontist appointment and again, who knows what else I'm forgetting.
When the kids were young, we relaxed in the summer. It was our time to hang in the pool, take day trips, have dinner on the deck. It was lazy and easy. I don't know if it's where I am these days, emotionally, or what the problem is but I am completely overwhelmed. I keep thinking that it's because I am in such a weird place in my own relationship and life that these little things that moms just have to do seem so much bigger to me.
My son has yet to pick one college he wants to visit. This summer is the time that should have happened. I have stopped having the conversation. He has to do this on his own. I have tried to guide him and give him the help I wish I had had when I was getting ready to go off to college but he is not receptive at all to any advice. He will be 18 years old in November. He is a young man and needs to do these things on his own. He is going to end up where he puts himself. If it's the wrong choice, then it will be his mistake and that's ok. He can always transfer once he figures things out a bit more.
I know these things are not a big deal. I know that in the big picture, they are easily completed. I just don't like all of this taking place in summer. I want my old life. I want the life I had when summer meant waking up early in the morning and going to the beach all day. Then I would come home, eat supper and go back to the beach all night. There were no activities or appointments. I loved it.
It's a different world now. I wonder what my friends with small children will experience as their kids grow older. Will things go back to the way they were? Or will the world just continue to be busier and busier until every minute of a kid's life is filled with structured activities? I certainly hope the future lies in the former.
Almost every weekend we have had a baseball tournament. No, actually, I'm pretty sure it's been EVERY weekend, not 'almost every.' Dance has not slowed down at all either. Granted, we are not driving to classes five days a week but there have been competitions, dance outs, etc.
I have had meetings about the Spain trip. There are fundraisers for it as well. This weekend alone, we have a tournament both days (possibly three days), a dance out on Saturday, a graduation party, the fundraiser on Sunday (which means us cooking and serving at a spaghetti supper) and who knows what I'm forgetting.
I have yet to make an appointment for my son's senior pictures, which have to be done this summer. My daughter needs an appointment at the eye doctor, which I forgot to make in the spring and an appointment at the dermatologist, just to keep an eye on a mole she has had since birth that I like to get checked every year. My son needs a follow up at the cardiologist for a heart murmur that has developed but it is supposed to be done when baseball has ended. That has yet to happen. We all have dentist appointments, there is the monthly orthodontist appointment and again, who knows what else I'm forgetting.
When the kids were young, we relaxed in the summer. It was our time to hang in the pool, take day trips, have dinner on the deck. It was lazy and easy. I don't know if it's where I am these days, emotionally, or what the problem is but I am completely overwhelmed. I keep thinking that it's because I am in such a weird place in my own relationship and life that these little things that moms just have to do seem so much bigger to me.
My son has yet to pick one college he wants to visit. This summer is the time that should have happened. I have stopped having the conversation. He has to do this on his own. I have tried to guide him and give him the help I wish I had had when I was getting ready to go off to college but he is not receptive at all to any advice. He will be 18 years old in November. He is a young man and needs to do these things on his own. He is going to end up where he puts himself. If it's the wrong choice, then it will be his mistake and that's ok. He can always transfer once he figures things out a bit more.
I know these things are not a big deal. I know that in the big picture, they are easily completed. I just don't like all of this taking place in summer. I want my old life. I want the life I had when summer meant waking up early in the morning and going to the beach all day. Then I would come home, eat supper and go back to the beach all night. There were no activities or appointments. I loved it.
It's a different world now. I wonder what my friends with small children will experience as their kids grow older. Will things go back to the way they were? Or will the world just continue to be busier and busier until every minute of a kid's life is filled with structured activities? I certainly hope the future lies in the former.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Come On Now
I am really trying to keep my energy up. I feel it's an uphill battle lately but I really do not want to give in to the despondency that threatens at every moment.
Thank God for my kids. I am so content all day when it is just them and I. That is when I feel most at ease. I laugh. I have energy. I converse. I have a sense of peace and normalcy. As the clock ticks down and my husband is due home, the bleakness closes in and I once again become an observer of my life.
It is so bizarre to me that I can disassociate myself from my actions. It's almost as if I am going through the motions and I'm actually seeing myself from afar. I don't look at him any more. I realized this a few weeks ago. I never make eye contact with him. I have no idea why this is. I cannot look at his face. I am afraid of the loathing I feel for him. Perhaps if I look at him, really look at him, in turn, I must really look at myself. I think by now, we are all aware at how adept I am at avoiding that.
I don't want him. I don't want to try. I don't want to love him. I don't want to even like him. I don't want to acknowledge that he has never once even tried. I don't want to acknowledge that I'm still sitting here. I am in a place of precarious balance. All day, my life is as I wish it. The kids and I, enjoying our summer. I convince myself that this is my life and I am happy. Then I get through the hours my husband is home. I "check out" and wait for morning when my "regular" life can begin again.
I have even started avoiding dinner. I feel guilty for this. It started because every night we had something going on. I tried to have something prepared for when we got home but everyone was coming and going at different times. Then I had a bunch of leftovers and so we kind of played with them for a while. Then I stocked the house with "easy" dinner options (salads, sandwiches, etc.). I realized not having to endure the stress of a meal as a family was a huge sense of relief. It had gotten to the point before this ingenuity that every meal was on pins and needles. Who was going to argue with him? What was he going to find fault with? When we called him on this, he got defensive and blamed us. It is always a no-win situation with him.
We do not have a relationship at this point. I speak only when spoken to or asked direct questions. I stay in one room and he in another. He has no clue this is abnormal. He is content. We have no physical interaction at all. I have stopped complaining about it. I told him a few weeks ago that I have begged him for the last time to want me. I was pretty sure I could find a few people that would gladly do the job since he finds it so repugnant. This is what I have become; a petty, vengeful, vindictive bitch.
I don't like myself. I don't like my behavior. I don't like myself physically. I don't like my weakness and lack of conviction. I don't like the fact that I'm stagnant. This is not me. I am an energetic go-getter. I am always brewing about something. I have something in the works at all times. Not any more. I get through one day. I try to sleep. That is not going great for me lately but I make the effort every night. I wake the next day and go through the motions again.
I know I will get it. I know I will find my happy again. I cannot reconcile my mind to the fact that I am still me. I feel so utterly and completely foreign. I did not believe in my wildest dreams I could be this morose, self-pitying, pathetic woman. I know she's temporary. I know my 'ever after' awaits me as soon as I decide to break out of the monotony and go after it.
Thank God for my kids. I am so content all day when it is just them and I. That is when I feel most at ease. I laugh. I have energy. I converse. I have a sense of peace and normalcy. As the clock ticks down and my husband is due home, the bleakness closes in and I once again become an observer of my life.
It is so bizarre to me that I can disassociate myself from my actions. It's almost as if I am going through the motions and I'm actually seeing myself from afar. I don't look at him any more. I realized this a few weeks ago. I never make eye contact with him. I have no idea why this is. I cannot look at his face. I am afraid of the loathing I feel for him. Perhaps if I look at him, really look at him, in turn, I must really look at myself. I think by now, we are all aware at how adept I am at avoiding that.
I don't want him. I don't want to try. I don't want to love him. I don't want to even like him. I don't want to acknowledge that he has never once even tried. I don't want to acknowledge that I'm still sitting here. I am in a place of precarious balance. All day, my life is as I wish it. The kids and I, enjoying our summer. I convince myself that this is my life and I am happy. Then I get through the hours my husband is home. I "check out" and wait for morning when my "regular" life can begin again.
I have even started avoiding dinner. I feel guilty for this. It started because every night we had something going on. I tried to have something prepared for when we got home but everyone was coming and going at different times. Then I had a bunch of leftovers and so we kind of played with them for a while. Then I stocked the house with "easy" dinner options (salads, sandwiches, etc.). I realized not having to endure the stress of a meal as a family was a huge sense of relief. It had gotten to the point before this ingenuity that every meal was on pins and needles. Who was going to argue with him? What was he going to find fault with? When we called him on this, he got defensive and blamed us. It is always a no-win situation with him.
We do not have a relationship at this point. I speak only when spoken to or asked direct questions. I stay in one room and he in another. He has no clue this is abnormal. He is content. We have no physical interaction at all. I have stopped complaining about it. I told him a few weeks ago that I have begged him for the last time to want me. I was pretty sure I could find a few people that would gladly do the job since he finds it so repugnant. This is what I have become; a petty, vengeful, vindictive bitch.
I don't like myself. I don't like my behavior. I don't like myself physically. I don't like my weakness and lack of conviction. I don't like the fact that I'm stagnant. This is not me. I am an energetic go-getter. I am always brewing about something. I have something in the works at all times. Not any more. I get through one day. I try to sleep. That is not going great for me lately but I make the effort every night. I wake the next day and go through the motions again.
I know I will get it. I know I will find my happy again. I cannot reconcile my mind to the fact that I am still me. I feel so utterly and completely foreign. I did not believe in my wildest dreams I could be this morose, self-pitying, pathetic woman. I know she's temporary. I know my 'ever after' awaits me as soon as I decide to break out of the monotony and go after it.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Judgement Free Zone
I know so many people who say they do not judge people and do not want to be judged. It may be on appearance, beliefs, parenting style, lifestyle, whatever but they emphatically believe they should not be judged on the surface.
Ironically, these same people are constantly labelling everyone. They describe people physically first, condemn their choices and basically put them down based on what they perceive. Every word that comes out of their mouths is vehement and filled with righteousness. For the life of me, I do not understand this.
You want understanding. You want acceptance. You want compassion and patience and yet you immediately describe and dismiss everyone based on what you see. The funniest thing? They truly believe they are open, non-judgemental people.
Mostly on facebook I see this. People who are constantly preaching that we should all be allowed to be our own people are constantly posting statuses downing people. I don't know if they're angry. I don't know if they really don't see that what they are doing is EXACTLY what they don't want done to them. Is it immaturity? Is it shallowness? Is it really possible to be that emotionally and intellectually stunted that you are not putting this together?
I have been told, by more than one person, that when they looked at me and listened to me speak, they assumed I would be a snob. They felt inferior to me before they ever got to know me. They said it was a vibe that I project. This bothered me so much. Especially when more than one person told me this. Especially when men and women said this too me. What the heck does that mean? I can't help what I look like and I can't control how I sound. I was so worried that I was throwing off some aura that I was totally unaware of. I don't want people to be intimidated by me. I am probably the least intimidating person I know and it really hurt me that people are looking at me and thinking I'm a snot.
These statements, thankfully, were always followed with the comment that I am NOTHING like I appear. The men and women who have said this to me, said that once they got to know me, I am the most down to earth, laid back person they know. They also said it was weird because people that they met who seemed really nice ended up being snobby once they got to know them.
One of the biggest things I teach my children is to never judge, anybody. They had this habit of coming home and "describing" kids as part of their stories from the day. "So mom, this 'dirty' kid today...." or "mom, this 'goth' kid....." It took a LONG time but I finally drilled home the point that I do not want stories prefaced with a label. Just "a girl" or "a boy" will suffice. We have no idea why any person is the way he or she is. We don't have a clue what obstacles they overcome just to wake up and go about a day.
I despise when people label others. Dirty, drug addict, alcoholic, slut, poor, rich, stupid, etc. are all words we don't do. I don't know why people are the way they are. I don't know what drove them to cope with life in the ways they choose. I don't care. I judge you on your behavior, not your words, not your address, not your bank account.
Ironically, the people who profess to be the open ones are the ones who are turning me off the most. Every day, they label and judge and then justify why. They spin it so in their minds they are superior in their judgement. They are not doing what they are calling others out on because they are doing it differently or in a non-judgemental way. They are not being mean. They are not downing. Wrong.
Guess what? The minute you put a title on a person, you have judged and labelled. Every time you criticize another person for ANY choice they make in his or her life, you have judged. When you preface a status about someone with a physical description, you have judged. When you dare to speculate on someone's lifestyle, appearance, parenting choices, political affiliations, religious beliefs, healthcare choices, etc. YOU are doing exactly what you hate everyone doing to you. It's a two way street and until everyone realizes that, this kind of criticism is never going to abate.
Ironically, these same people are constantly labelling everyone. They describe people physically first, condemn their choices and basically put them down based on what they perceive. Every word that comes out of their mouths is vehement and filled with righteousness. For the life of me, I do not understand this.
You want understanding. You want acceptance. You want compassion and patience and yet you immediately describe and dismiss everyone based on what you see. The funniest thing? They truly believe they are open, non-judgemental people.
Mostly on facebook I see this. People who are constantly preaching that we should all be allowed to be our own people are constantly posting statuses downing people. I don't know if they're angry. I don't know if they really don't see that what they are doing is EXACTLY what they don't want done to them. Is it immaturity? Is it shallowness? Is it really possible to be that emotionally and intellectually stunted that you are not putting this together?
I have been told, by more than one person, that when they looked at me and listened to me speak, they assumed I would be a snob. They felt inferior to me before they ever got to know me. They said it was a vibe that I project. This bothered me so much. Especially when more than one person told me this. Especially when men and women said this too me. What the heck does that mean? I can't help what I look like and I can't control how I sound. I was so worried that I was throwing off some aura that I was totally unaware of. I don't want people to be intimidated by me. I am probably the least intimidating person I know and it really hurt me that people are looking at me and thinking I'm a snot.
These statements, thankfully, were always followed with the comment that I am NOTHING like I appear. The men and women who have said this to me, said that once they got to know me, I am the most down to earth, laid back person they know. They also said it was weird because people that they met who seemed really nice ended up being snobby once they got to know them.
One of the biggest things I teach my children is to never judge, anybody. They had this habit of coming home and "describing" kids as part of their stories from the day. "So mom, this 'dirty' kid today...." or "mom, this 'goth' kid....." It took a LONG time but I finally drilled home the point that I do not want stories prefaced with a label. Just "a girl" or "a boy" will suffice. We have no idea why any person is the way he or she is. We don't have a clue what obstacles they overcome just to wake up and go about a day.
I despise when people label others. Dirty, drug addict, alcoholic, slut, poor, rich, stupid, etc. are all words we don't do. I don't know why people are the way they are. I don't know what drove them to cope with life in the ways they choose. I don't care. I judge you on your behavior, not your words, not your address, not your bank account.
Ironically, the people who profess to be the open ones are the ones who are turning me off the most. Every day, they label and judge and then justify why. They spin it so in their minds they are superior in their judgement. They are not doing what they are calling others out on because they are doing it differently or in a non-judgemental way. They are not being mean. They are not downing. Wrong.
Guess what? The minute you put a title on a person, you have judged and labelled. Every time you criticize another person for ANY choice they make in his or her life, you have judged. When you preface a status about someone with a physical description, you have judged. When you dare to speculate on someone's lifestyle, appearance, parenting choices, political affiliations, religious beliefs, healthcare choices, etc. YOU are doing exactly what you hate everyone doing to you. It's a two way street and until everyone realizes that, this kind of criticism is never going to abate.
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