I have gotten a job. It was supposed to be a "part-time" job but so far it's feeling pretty consuming. Some weeks I work 39 1/2 hours. I guess, technically, that's part-time. I needed to put all of the thought into action.
I need independence. I need money. This is where I start. At first, all of the money was mine. It was great to buy what I wanted, not necessarily needed, when I wanted it. Granted, most of the money went to the kids. It is so nice to just say "yes" to everything. No matter what they ask for or need, there is no pause, no hesitation; just, yes. It has been so long since that was the case in our home. It just feels great to be able to give.
Of course, now my husband has acclimated to the fact that there is money available. Can you give the kids money for gas? Can you give them money for dinner? Do you have money for stuff at the grocery store? It begins.
I have been working until 6 p.m. three days a week and once a month, I work a Saturday in addition to the five days already. This month, I have to work two Saturdays. I admit, I'm not in love with this schedule. To me, this is not part-time, it's very, very close to full-time. My husband keeps saying to me, "I almost make more in one hour of over-time than you make in a whole day." Yes, that's true. He makes very good money. I don't make great money. Today I countered and said, "well, it's true that you make alot more money than I do but we never get to see it or use it." He said he didn't want to argue. That's great. He makes good money but if the kids and I can't use it, what good is it?
I don't love my job. At first I did. I really, really loved it. It is VERY technology oriented, which is about as far from my comfort zone as Pluto. At first, I loved the challenge of learning something so unfamiliar. It was fun and challenging. Now, it's bordering on frustrating. Every day, a new situation arises. Every day there is something new to learn and the only way to learn it is to mess it up and then "learn." This is soooo not me.
I never leave work with the feeling that I did something positive. I never leave and think, "wow, that was a great day!!" Most days I kind of think, "well, it wasn't horrific." I'm sad that I feel this way. I'm sad that I don't ever have that feeling of accomplishment.
It's independence. It's a step in the right direction. I just need to make it work in my mind and all will be well.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Fresh Start
I am tired of being bipolar. I'm up, I'm down, I'm happy, I'm sad and then cue cycle all over again. I have made a resolution that I am giving up the drama that has become my life.
I feel "normal" inside these days. I have come to some kind of peace within. I have done what I said I was going to do and stopped looking to external sources for my emotional well-being. I was getting back to the business of being me with or without an entourage. It turns out, once I made these firm decisions and did not waver on my purpose, everyone kind of got on board.
We went on vacation and I really thought that was the breaking point for my husband and I. We attended a picnic given by an old friend from grammar school. A bunch of other friends from the same school attended. We normally always do this when I go home in the summer with a small group of girls. This year, we opened it up to a few more people and some fellas attended.
Of course, some alcohol was consumed and the reminiscing began. One of the guys admitted that he waited for me to sign his dance card first before anyone else could sign it at our middle school dances. It was funny. I never had a clue about the crush. Then it led to more kids that had crushes on me. I was clueless as a child and dumbfounded as an adult to even hear this stuff. I spent so much time as a kid seeing what everyone else had that I was lacking that it never occurred to me that anyone would like me.
My husband, I believe, was actually jealous. It was beyond ridiculous. We were 12 years old. We are all married with families. It was FUNNY. Of course, I made it into a joke that I could have been hooked up with all of these boys liking me as a kid. One had a beach house and boats and jetskis, etc. We laughed it off as I spun the tale of how much more glamorous my tween years could have been.
Later the talk got a little ribald. We had kids with us but they are all upper classmen in high school and we weren't vulgar, just pushing it. Ironically, I was NOT one of the people engaging in this conversation. Someone asked me a question and my response was, "how do I know?"
My husband flipped. He yelled across the party, "Nice talk with kids around Kiraly!! Save it for girls night!" I was mortified. First of all, I said NOTHING wrong. He embarrassed me and made himself look like a maniac. As expected, a silent ackwardness ensued. He ruined the whole day for me. I had not laughed that hard probably since I had seen these friends the summer before and in one minute he took it away. He is famous for this.
I am joyful and he crushes me at first opportunity. I have started pointing this out when he does it. I'm like, "can I ride the wave for a minute?" Just give me a minute to be really happy before you take it away.
Of course, he felt justified. He is stubborn and ignorant and would not even consider he might have overreacted. Later, a friend sent a text apologizing if she had offended my husband. I was so mad at him. Why should my friends have to guard their thoughts and talk because my husband is a stick in the mud? I could see if we had small children. Of course, I would have agreed with him but our kids are young adults. They certainly don't need to be sheltered from adult humor. It wasn't even bad. There was no swearing or anything crass. It was SIMPLY adult humor, which I'm sure my kids could write a short story on at this age.
That was it for me. I am not a robot. I cannot be the perfect Stepford wife he wants. I have to be articulate and beautiful and neat and organized. I have to be an amazing cook and housekeeper and mother and spouse. I should never swear or be loud or get attention. At all times, I have to be the perfect classy lady and present well. Don't get me wrong, I like being all of those things but I do NOT like it forced on me. I'm going to screw up. I'm going to loosen up and swear or push the envelope. I never swore in front of my kids for 16 years. I think maybe they can handle it now. I'm never proud of myself. There are a million ways I can choose to express myself and I'm always disappointed in myself when I speak vulgarly but let me beat myself up. I know I'm wrong. I don't need another keeper.
I was really done and then like always, there was a shift. After a few days of VERY strained communication, my old guy was back. We started getting along. He was relaxed and funny and fun. The rest of his vacation was enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong, I know this is us. We're up, we're down and all around. The difference is, I'm doing me. He is back to work today and if the grumpy, mean husband makes a reappearance, oh well. It is not going to change my mission. I will be the girl I was. I will be that person who literally just felt good, all day, every day. I was peaceful and calm and joyful. I saw the good in everyone and everything. I miss that person. Life was so much brighter. The sun is going to shine again in my world.
I feel "normal" inside these days. I have come to some kind of peace within. I have done what I said I was going to do and stopped looking to external sources for my emotional well-being. I was getting back to the business of being me with or without an entourage. It turns out, once I made these firm decisions and did not waver on my purpose, everyone kind of got on board.
We went on vacation and I really thought that was the breaking point for my husband and I. We attended a picnic given by an old friend from grammar school. A bunch of other friends from the same school attended. We normally always do this when I go home in the summer with a small group of girls. This year, we opened it up to a few more people and some fellas attended.
Of course, some alcohol was consumed and the reminiscing began. One of the guys admitted that he waited for me to sign his dance card first before anyone else could sign it at our middle school dances. It was funny. I never had a clue about the crush. Then it led to more kids that had crushes on me. I was clueless as a child and dumbfounded as an adult to even hear this stuff. I spent so much time as a kid seeing what everyone else had that I was lacking that it never occurred to me that anyone would like me.
My husband, I believe, was actually jealous. It was beyond ridiculous. We were 12 years old. We are all married with families. It was FUNNY. Of course, I made it into a joke that I could have been hooked up with all of these boys liking me as a kid. One had a beach house and boats and jetskis, etc. We laughed it off as I spun the tale of how much more glamorous my tween years could have been.
Later the talk got a little ribald. We had kids with us but they are all upper classmen in high school and we weren't vulgar, just pushing it. Ironically, I was NOT one of the people engaging in this conversation. Someone asked me a question and my response was, "how do I know?"
My husband flipped. He yelled across the party, "Nice talk with kids around Kiraly!! Save it for girls night!" I was mortified. First of all, I said NOTHING wrong. He embarrassed me and made himself look like a maniac. As expected, a silent ackwardness ensued. He ruined the whole day for me. I had not laughed that hard probably since I had seen these friends the summer before and in one minute he took it away. He is famous for this.
I am joyful and he crushes me at first opportunity. I have started pointing this out when he does it. I'm like, "can I ride the wave for a minute?" Just give me a minute to be really happy before you take it away.
Of course, he felt justified. He is stubborn and ignorant and would not even consider he might have overreacted. Later, a friend sent a text apologizing if she had offended my husband. I was so mad at him. Why should my friends have to guard their thoughts and talk because my husband is a stick in the mud? I could see if we had small children. Of course, I would have agreed with him but our kids are young adults. They certainly don't need to be sheltered from adult humor. It wasn't even bad. There was no swearing or anything crass. It was SIMPLY adult humor, which I'm sure my kids could write a short story on at this age.
That was it for me. I am not a robot. I cannot be the perfect Stepford wife he wants. I have to be articulate and beautiful and neat and organized. I have to be an amazing cook and housekeeper and mother and spouse. I should never swear or be loud or get attention. At all times, I have to be the perfect classy lady and present well. Don't get me wrong, I like being all of those things but I do NOT like it forced on me. I'm going to screw up. I'm going to loosen up and swear or push the envelope. I never swore in front of my kids for 16 years. I think maybe they can handle it now. I'm never proud of myself. There are a million ways I can choose to express myself and I'm always disappointed in myself when I speak vulgarly but let me beat myself up. I know I'm wrong. I don't need another keeper.
I was really done and then like always, there was a shift. After a few days of VERY strained communication, my old guy was back. We started getting along. He was relaxed and funny and fun. The rest of his vacation was enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong, I know this is us. We're up, we're down and all around. The difference is, I'm doing me. He is back to work today and if the grumpy, mean husband makes a reappearance, oh well. It is not going to change my mission. I will be the girl I was. I will be that person who literally just felt good, all day, every day. I was peaceful and calm and joyful. I saw the good in everyone and everything. I miss that person. Life was so much brighter. The sun is going to shine again in my world.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Miserable
I don't know what it is lately but people who are constantly negative and judgemental are really on my last nerve. I feel like some days I log onto facebook or get on the phone and I am totally inundated with negative energy.
They complain about everything. Nothing is right in their worlds. I feel like they go in search of more and more things to be angry and righteous about. If they can't find things in their own homes, they get on the internet and find other people's problems to get in a tizzy over. It is a non-stop rant. It's just obnoxious.
My life sucks right now. Honestly, if I think too hard about it, I doubt I would get out of bed. It is to the point that I am actually going to my doctor to get on drugs. What the heck? Everyone else is on them. Life overwhelms you? Pop a pill. Things got you down? Here's a nice prescription to take the edge off. Nobody "deals" anymore. Nobody fights to pull themselves out of a funk. Let me clarify, I am NOT talking about people with chemical depression. No amount of self-help is going to change that kind of depression. I'm talking about the 90% of the people who are on meds for anxiety and depression. Sorry, but there is no way that many of my acquaintances are chemically depressed.
I want in. I want to pop my happy pill and not think. I want to chemically alter my brain so that things that should stress me out and demand some action no longer seem like such a big deal. I want to be able to read these peoples' miserable statuses and listen to them on the phone and feel nothing. Then I want to read their statuses about what positive, happy, giving people they are not not have my eyes pop out of my head. Maybe that's the real issue. The biggest drama queens are the ones who profess to hate drama. Really? If that's the case, why do you dredge so much of it up?
I work out every day to produce endorphins to help myself. I actually eat mood-boosting foods (yes, there ARE such things) when I feel myself giving in. I meditate, I practice yoga, I read, I take "time-outs" when I feel my anxiety building. I think I'm over it. I'm so tired of trying to fix myself when the answer lies in a little brown bottle. I'm going to join the ranks of the miserable.
Our society is primed for it. Everyone wants to complain and do nothing to change their miserable lives. Years ago, people understood, their reward was a direct result of their effort. Now everyone wants to sit home, rant and have a wonderful life. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. Rich people are rich because they work their butts off to be successful. Happy people are happy because they choose it every day and work toward it. Healthy people are thin because they work out every day and monitor what they put into their bodies. Educated people are smart because they choose to spend their money in school rather than on nonsense. On and on the list goes. You reap what you sow.
I've always chosen to overlook the negatives in my life. Every day I wake up and before I even open my eyes, I state some thinks I am thankful for. It could be the dumbest little thing but you know what? I could have NOTHING. No matter how bad I think my life is, there are thousands of people who would give anything for it. I try so hard not to be spoiled and take it for granted. I try so hard to remind myself that despite the difficulties in my marriage, it could be a WHOLE lot worse. My mind never stops. Whenever one negative, self-pitying thought strays in, I replace it with two positive ones. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the drugs are the answer. Maybe I could feel calm and positive by ingesting the feelings rather than working so hard to achieve them.
Maybe once I'm on my happy pills everyone else's hypocrisy won't bother me at all.
They complain about everything. Nothing is right in their worlds. I feel like they go in search of more and more things to be angry and righteous about. If they can't find things in their own homes, they get on the internet and find other people's problems to get in a tizzy over. It is a non-stop rant. It's just obnoxious.
My life sucks right now. Honestly, if I think too hard about it, I doubt I would get out of bed. It is to the point that I am actually going to my doctor to get on drugs. What the heck? Everyone else is on them. Life overwhelms you? Pop a pill. Things got you down? Here's a nice prescription to take the edge off. Nobody "deals" anymore. Nobody fights to pull themselves out of a funk. Let me clarify, I am NOT talking about people with chemical depression. No amount of self-help is going to change that kind of depression. I'm talking about the 90% of the people who are on meds for anxiety and depression. Sorry, but there is no way that many of my acquaintances are chemically depressed.
I want in. I want to pop my happy pill and not think. I want to chemically alter my brain so that things that should stress me out and demand some action no longer seem like such a big deal. I want to be able to read these peoples' miserable statuses and listen to them on the phone and feel nothing. Then I want to read their statuses about what positive, happy, giving people they are not not have my eyes pop out of my head. Maybe that's the real issue. The biggest drama queens are the ones who profess to hate drama. Really? If that's the case, why do you dredge so much of it up?
I work out every day to produce endorphins to help myself. I actually eat mood-boosting foods (yes, there ARE such things) when I feel myself giving in. I meditate, I practice yoga, I read, I take "time-outs" when I feel my anxiety building. I think I'm over it. I'm so tired of trying to fix myself when the answer lies in a little brown bottle. I'm going to join the ranks of the miserable.
Our society is primed for it. Everyone wants to complain and do nothing to change their miserable lives. Years ago, people understood, their reward was a direct result of their effort. Now everyone wants to sit home, rant and have a wonderful life. Sorry, it doesn't work that way. Rich people are rich because they work their butts off to be successful. Happy people are happy because they choose it every day and work toward it. Healthy people are thin because they work out every day and monitor what they put into their bodies. Educated people are smart because they choose to spend their money in school rather than on nonsense. On and on the list goes. You reap what you sow.
I've always chosen to overlook the negatives in my life. Every day I wake up and before I even open my eyes, I state some thinks I am thankful for. It could be the dumbest little thing but you know what? I could have NOTHING. No matter how bad I think my life is, there are thousands of people who would give anything for it. I try so hard not to be spoiled and take it for granted. I try so hard to remind myself that despite the difficulties in my marriage, it could be a WHOLE lot worse. My mind never stops. Whenever one negative, self-pitying thought strays in, I replace it with two positive ones. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the drugs are the answer. Maybe I could feel calm and positive by ingesting the feelings rather than working so hard to achieve them.
Maybe once I'm on my happy pills everyone else's hypocrisy won't bother me at all.
Saturday, July 21, 2012
One More Time
The other night we had come home from dinner at the in-laws and while I watered the grass out front my husband was leaving to go sit for time (a silly requirement to get time off at his job). We talked for a minute. As I mentioned before, I really don't look at his face and certainly, rarely, in his eyes. We were getting along pretty well and I think he just acted instinctually but he leaned in to kiss me good bye.
We used to always kiss hello and good bye. It was one of those things that we just "did." It was mindless and insignificant, until it no longer happened. That was when I realized how significant that little, taken for granted, peck every day is.
As he leaned in, I looked up at him (I was shocked, I think) and I saw the briefest flash of something in his eyes. It was so clear it was practically tangible. I was incredulous. What I saw in his eyes as I looked up could only be described as uncertainty or perhaps even fear. It was gone as quickly as it came, but I know what I saw.
As he drove away, I really thought about this. My husband has always been a very shy, humble man. It was one of the things that drew me to him. He's not shy with friends, etc. but he's just kind of uncertain of his worth. He's beautiful. I'm talking if he worked out and took his health at all serious, he could be a model. He has a classic bone structure and nice even features. His eyes are a gorgeous green and his teeth are perfect (no braces either!). I used to just stare at him and think how lucky I was that he chose me. However, he has no clue (probably why he did choose me!). He has no idea how very attractive women find him.
I have always taken control with him. If I had not moved things along, we would still be staring at eachother across the room. I got the vibe in college that he was interested but until I made it blatantly clear that I was interested as well, he would not make a move. He later said that he "never thought a girl like me would even look at him." Whatever that means. Seems like we were both thinking the other was far too attractive for us at that time. That's ironic.
I thought about that look in his eyes for about two hours. Finally, I bit the bullet. I sent him a text. I told him that I missed the "old us." I told him that this living in the same house and having no relationship was killing me. I admitted that I still love him, so much that my heart hurts all of the time. I told him I hurt him because I want him to feel one ounce of what I feel every day. I have been assuming that he just doesn't care.
Despite the 4,000 conversations we've had, I assumed he thought things were running smoothly. I have told him, he will fix us this time and I will not be doing one thing to progress matters. I have done all of the work so far and now I'm just being stubborn. I assumed because he was not overtly doing anything to fix us that he assumed things were fine. I thought he was comfortable living in a house and not having a marriage. That one brief flash in his eyes changed that for me.
I remembered the boy I met. The beautiful boy who was so unsure of himself. The boy I had to write the script for and lead around throughout our whole courtship because he just didn't know how. He's who I fell in love with. I liked having control. Is it now fair for me to expect him to be able to change roles and just figure it out? He is so afraid to make a mistake that he has become paralyzed with indecisiveness. I decided this would be my last attempt.
He wrote back and said he missed us too. He also said he wanted some time alone with me. He felt like we need some time away from the kids. It's true. I am with my kids 24/7. They are not typical teens. They are almost always home. If they go out, they are home early (usually by 9 p.m. and if they are really being crazy it's 11). They have friends over alot to hang out. I love that. Listening to them laughing and talking just soothes something in me. However, it does not leave much time for intimacy. Our bedrooms are VERY close so if there are kids in the bedrooms, we have no privacy. There are always kids in the living room and even outside on the deck. We are literally always with one or the other of our children.
When my husband came home the next day from work, he came right over and kissed me. I did sense his hesitancy but I turned with a smile and stretched my face up, making it clear it was a welcome advance. We have touched eachother more in two days than we have in two years. I admit, I'm finding it hard to thaw. I have built up such a wall around me that I don't feel that flutter I always felt and that liquid melting that was instant whenever he touched me.
I'm willing to work at it though. I am not so stubborn or in need to get my way that I will sacrifice 22 years and the father of my children to have things my way. I was getting lost in what mattered. I want my marriage to work. That is the bottom line. My pride, not necessarily anything else, was holding that up. I felt like I had always given in on everything and that it was his turn. That one look reminded me of the reason why it's always been that way. It's not fair to change the rules this far into the game.
I am hopeful, yet again.
We used to always kiss hello and good bye. It was one of those things that we just "did." It was mindless and insignificant, until it no longer happened. That was when I realized how significant that little, taken for granted, peck every day is.
As he leaned in, I looked up at him (I was shocked, I think) and I saw the briefest flash of something in his eyes. It was so clear it was practically tangible. I was incredulous. What I saw in his eyes as I looked up could only be described as uncertainty or perhaps even fear. It was gone as quickly as it came, but I know what I saw.
As he drove away, I really thought about this. My husband has always been a very shy, humble man. It was one of the things that drew me to him. He's not shy with friends, etc. but he's just kind of uncertain of his worth. He's beautiful. I'm talking if he worked out and took his health at all serious, he could be a model. He has a classic bone structure and nice even features. His eyes are a gorgeous green and his teeth are perfect (no braces either!). I used to just stare at him and think how lucky I was that he chose me. However, he has no clue (probably why he did choose me!). He has no idea how very attractive women find him.
I have always taken control with him. If I had not moved things along, we would still be staring at eachother across the room. I got the vibe in college that he was interested but until I made it blatantly clear that I was interested as well, he would not make a move. He later said that he "never thought a girl like me would even look at him." Whatever that means. Seems like we were both thinking the other was far too attractive for us at that time. That's ironic.
I thought about that look in his eyes for about two hours. Finally, I bit the bullet. I sent him a text. I told him that I missed the "old us." I told him that this living in the same house and having no relationship was killing me. I admitted that I still love him, so much that my heart hurts all of the time. I told him I hurt him because I want him to feel one ounce of what I feel every day. I have been assuming that he just doesn't care.
Despite the 4,000 conversations we've had, I assumed he thought things were running smoothly. I have told him, he will fix us this time and I will not be doing one thing to progress matters. I have done all of the work so far and now I'm just being stubborn. I assumed because he was not overtly doing anything to fix us that he assumed things were fine. I thought he was comfortable living in a house and not having a marriage. That one brief flash in his eyes changed that for me.
I remembered the boy I met. The beautiful boy who was so unsure of himself. The boy I had to write the script for and lead around throughout our whole courtship because he just didn't know how. He's who I fell in love with. I liked having control. Is it now fair for me to expect him to be able to change roles and just figure it out? He is so afraid to make a mistake that he has become paralyzed with indecisiveness. I decided this would be my last attempt.
He wrote back and said he missed us too. He also said he wanted some time alone with me. He felt like we need some time away from the kids. It's true. I am with my kids 24/7. They are not typical teens. They are almost always home. If they go out, they are home early (usually by 9 p.m. and if they are really being crazy it's 11). They have friends over alot to hang out. I love that. Listening to them laughing and talking just soothes something in me. However, it does not leave much time for intimacy. Our bedrooms are VERY close so if there are kids in the bedrooms, we have no privacy. There are always kids in the living room and even outside on the deck. We are literally always with one or the other of our children.
When my husband came home the next day from work, he came right over and kissed me. I did sense his hesitancy but I turned with a smile and stretched my face up, making it clear it was a welcome advance. We have touched eachother more in two days than we have in two years. I admit, I'm finding it hard to thaw. I have built up such a wall around me that I don't feel that flutter I always felt and that liquid melting that was instant whenever he touched me.
I'm willing to work at it though. I am not so stubborn or in need to get my way that I will sacrifice 22 years and the father of my children to have things my way. I was getting lost in what mattered. I want my marriage to work. That is the bottom line. My pride, not necessarily anything else, was holding that up. I felt like I had always given in on everything and that it was his turn. That one look reminded me of the reason why it's always been that way. It's not fair to change the rules this far into the game.
I am hopeful, yet again.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Keep A Lid On It
The pot is bubbling over. I am no longer able to put the lid on and contain the emotions. Slowly, they have been emerging. Lately, they are right there at all times, rising up until they slide slowly from my mouth.
My anger is palpable. I don't even try to be amicable. I want him to be miserable. I am resentful when he breezes in the door from work, full of energy and happiness. I used to try to embrace it and feed on it, hoping it would ease my darkness. I don't try any more. I stay in my dark place and hate him for the time he gets to forget me/us every day. I ignore him and hope that he feels a smidgeon of the sorrow I feel all day.
I am mourning the loss of my marriage and he is blithely skipping through his days. He is content. I say this all of the time because I am incredulous. He is comfortable with our dysfunction. There is no relationship between us. We co-parent. Actually, that's being generous. I parent and he just hovers around the house. The kids and I are one unit and he flits in and out of "our" place. He works and pays the bills and wakes up to do it all over again.
These are his choices. I tried to include him. Now, I just don't care. I don't try to mask what I feel for the sake of the kids or the sake of appearances. It is what it is. I don't care who knows. Soon enough everyone will know when we are not together. I might as well lay the groundwork. His parents know something is awry. I disagree with him all of the time now. I don't just shut my mouth and let him have the last word like I used to. I don't back down and I can see it makes his mom uncomfortable. Her philosophy has always been just to be quiet. If you don't give them an answer the argument has to stop. I can't do it.
I have been ignored and neglected for too long. I will have his attention, even if it's all negative. This is how repulsive I have become. I feel badly about myself because my husband doesn't want me. I feel badly about myself because I have become a mean, petty witch. I have to come out of this place. It is destructive. It is sad. It has no purpose. When will I stop thinking about it and just do it? When will all the "have to's" in my life take a backseat to what I need to do for myself? I feel selfish wanting to rock the boat. If I don't rock it soon, I'm afraid it's going to capsize on it's own and I will yet again be drowning in a sea of regret.
My anger is palpable. I don't even try to be amicable. I want him to be miserable. I am resentful when he breezes in the door from work, full of energy and happiness. I used to try to embrace it and feed on it, hoping it would ease my darkness. I don't try any more. I stay in my dark place and hate him for the time he gets to forget me/us every day. I ignore him and hope that he feels a smidgeon of the sorrow I feel all day.
I am mourning the loss of my marriage and he is blithely skipping through his days. He is content. I say this all of the time because I am incredulous. He is comfortable with our dysfunction. There is no relationship between us. We co-parent. Actually, that's being generous. I parent and he just hovers around the house. The kids and I are one unit and he flits in and out of "our" place. He works and pays the bills and wakes up to do it all over again.
These are his choices. I tried to include him. Now, I just don't care. I don't try to mask what I feel for the sake of the kids or the sake of appearances. It is what it is. I don't care who knows. Soon enough everyone will know when we are not together. I might as well lay the groundwork. His parents know something is awry. I disagree with him all of the time now. I don't just shut my mouth and let him have the last word like I used to. I don't back down and I can see it makes his mom uncomfortable. Her philosophy has always been just to be quiet. If you don't give them an answer the argument has to stop. I can't do it.
I have been ignored and neglected for too long. I will have his attention, even if it's all negative. This is how repulsive I have become. I feel badly about myself because my husband doesn't want me. I feel badly about myself because I have become a mean, petty witch. I have to come out of this place. It is destructive. It is sad. It has no purpose. When will I stop thinking about it and just do it? When will all the "have to's" in my life take a backseat to what I need to do for myself? I feel selfish wanting to rock the boat. If I don't rock it soon, I'm afraid it's going to capsize on it's own and I will yet again be drowning in a sea of regret.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Slow Down Summer
I am in a panic. I feel like my summer is flying by. Usually summer is our time to slow down and just spend lazy days and evenings together as a family. This summer, I feel as though it's even busier than the school year was.
Almost every weekend we have had a baseball tournament. No, actually, I'm pretty sure it's been EVERY weekend, not 'almost every.' Dance has not slowed down at all either. Granted, we are not driving to classes five days a week but there have been competitions, dance outs, etc.
I have had meetings about the Spain trip. There are fundraisers for it as well. This weekend alone, we have a tournament both days (possibly three days), a dance out on Saturday, a graduation party, the fundraiser on Sunday (which means us cooking and serving at a spaghetti supper) and who knows what I'm forgetting.
I have yet to make an appointment for my son's senior pictures, which have to be done this summer. My daughter needs an appointment at the eye doctor, which I forgot to make in the spring and an appointment at the dermatologist, just to keep an eye on a mole she has had since birth that I like to get checked every year. My son needs a follow up at the cardiologist for a heart murmur that has developed but it is supposed to be done when baseball has ended. That has yet to happen. We all have dentist appointments, there is the monthly orthodontist appointment and again, who knows what else I'm forgetting.
When the kids were young, we relaxed in the summer. It was our time to hang in the pool, take day trips, have dinner on the deck. It was lazy and easy. I don't know if it's where I am these days, emotionally, or what the problem is but I am completely overwhelmed. I keep thinking that it's because I am in such a weird place in my own relationship and life that these little things that moms just have to do seem so much bigger to me.
My son has yet to pick one college he wants to visit. This summer is the time that should have happened. I have stopped having the conversation. He has to do this on his own. I have tried to guide him and give him the help I wish I had had when I was getting ready to go off to college but he is not receptive at all to any advice. He will be 18 years old in November. He is a young man and needs to do these things on his own. He is going to end up where he puts himself. If it's the wrong choice, then it will be his mistake and that's ok. He can always transfer once he figures things out a bit more.
I know these things are not a big deal. I know that in the big picture, they are easily completed. I just don't like all of this taking place in summer. I want my old life. I want the life I had when summer meant waking up early in the morning and going to the beach all day. Then I would come home, eat supper and go back to the beach all night. There were no activities or appointments. I loved it.
It's a different world now. I wonder what my friends with small children will experience as their kids grow older. Will things go back to the way they were? Or will the world just continue to be busier and busier until every minute of a kid's life is filled with structured activities? I certainly hope the future lies in the former.
Almost every weekend we have had a baseball tournament. No, actually, I'm pretty sure it's been EVERY weekend, not 'almost every.' Dance has not slowed down at all either. Granted, we are not driving to classes five days a week but there have been competitions, dance outs, etc.
I have had meetings about the Spain trip. There are fundraisers for it as well. This weekend alone, we have a tournament both days (possibly three days), a dance out on Saturday, a graduation party, the fundraiser on Sunday (which means us cooking and serving at a spaghetti supper) and who knows what I'm forgetting.
I have yet to make an appointment for my son's senior pictures, which have to be done this summer. My daughter needs an appointment at the eye doctor, which I forgot to make in the spring and an appointment at the dermatologist, just to keep an eye on a mole she has had since birth that I like to get checked every year. My son needs a follow up at the cardiologist for a heart murmur that has developed but it is supposed to be done when baseball has ended. That has yet to happen. We all have dentist appointments, there is the monthly orthodontist appointment and again, who knows what else I'm forgetting.
When the kids were young, we relaxed in the summer. It was our time to hang in the pool, take day trips, have dinner on the deck. It was lazy and easy. I don't know if it's where I am these days, emotionally, or what the problem is but I am completely overwhelmed. I keep thinking that it's because I am in such a weird place in my own relationship and life that these little things that moms just have to do seem so much bigger to me.
My son has yet to pick one college he wants to visit. This summer is the time that should have happened. I have stopped having the conversation. He has to do this on his own. I have tried to guide him and give him the help I wish I had had when I was getting ready to go off to college but he is not receptive at all to any advice. He will be 18 years old in November. He is a young man and needs to do these things on his own. He is going to end up where he puts himself. If it's the wrong choice, then it will be his mistake and that's ok. He can always transfer once he figures things out a bit more.
I know these things are not a big deal. I know that in the big picture, they are easily completed. I just don't like all of this taking place in summer. I want my old life. I want the life I had when summer meant waking up early in the morning and going to the beach all day. Then I would come home, eat supper and go back to the beach all night. There were no activities or appointments. I loved it.
It's a different world now. I wonder what my friends with small children will experience as their kids grow older. Will things go back to the way they were? Or will the world just continue to be busier and busier until every minute of a kid's life is filled with structured activities? I certainly hope the future lies in the former.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Come On Now
I am really trying to keep my energy up. I feel it's an uphill battle lately but I really do not want to give in to the despondency that threatens at every moment.
Thank God for my kids. I am so content all day when it is just them and I. That is when I feel most at ease. I laugh. I have energy. I converse. I have a sense of peace and normalcy. As the clock ticks down and my husband is due home, the bleakness closes in and I once again become an observer of my life.
It is so bizarre to me that I can disassociate myself from my actions. It's almost as if I am going through the motions and I'm actually seeing myself from afar. I don't look at him any more. I realized this a few weeks ago. I never make eye contact with him. I have no idea why this is. I cannot look at his face. I am afraid of the loathing I feel for him. Perhaps if I look at him, really look at him, in turn, I must really look at myself. I think by now, we are all aware at how adept I am at avoiding that.
I don't want him. I don't want to try. I don't want to love him. I don't want to even like him. I don't want to acknowledge that he has never once even tried. I don't want to acknowledge that I'm still sitting here. I am in a place of precarious balance. All day, my life is as I wish it. The kids and I, enjoying our summer. I convince myself that this is my life and I am happy. Then I get through the hours my husband is home. I "check out" and wait for morning when my "regular" life can begin again.
I have even started avoiding dinner. I feel guilty for this. It started because every night we had something going on. I tried to have something prepared for when we got home but everyone was coming and going at different times. Then I had a bunch of leftovers and so we kind of played with them for a while. Then I stocked the house with "easy" dinner options (salads, sandwiches, etc.). I realized not having to endure the stress of a meal as a family was a huge sense of relief. It had gotten to the point before this ingenuity that every meal was on pins and needles. Who was going to argue with him? What was he going to find fault with? When we called him on this, he got defensive and blamed us. It is always a no-win situation with him.
We do not have a relationship at this point. I speak only when spoken to or asked direct questions. I stay in one room and he in another. He has no clue this is abnormal. He is content. We have no physical interaction at all. I have stopped complaining about it. I told him a few weeks ago that I have begged him for the last time to want me. I was pretty sure I could find a few people that would gladly do the job since he finds it so repugnant. This is what I have become; a petty, vengeful, vindictive bitch.
I don't like myself. I don't like my behavior. I don't like myself physically. I don't like my weakness and lack of conviction. I don't like the fact that I'm stagnant. This is not me. I am an energetic go-getter. I am always brewing about something. I have something in the works at all times. Not any more. I get through one day. I try to sleep. That is not going great for me lately but I make the effort every night. I wake the next day and go through the motions again.
I know I will get it. I know I will find my happy again. I cannot reconcile my mind to the fact that I am still me. I feel so utterly and completely foreign. I did not believe in my wildest dreams I could be this morose, self-pitying, pathetic woman. I know she's temporary. I know my 'ever after' awaits me as soon as I decide to break out of the monotony and go after it.
Thank God for my kids. I am so content all day when it is just them and I. That is when I feel most at ease. I laugh. I have energy. I converse. I have a sense of peace and normalcy. As the clock ticks down and my husband is due home, the bleakness closes in and I once again become an observer of my life.
It is so bizarre to me that I can disassociate myself from my actions. It's almost as if I am going through the motions and I'm actually seeing myself from afar. I don't look at him any more. I realized this a few weeks ago. I never make eye contact with him. I have no idea why this is. I cannot look at his face. I am afraid of the loathing I feel for him. Perhaps if I look at him, really look at him, in turn, I must really look at myself. I think by now, we are all aware at how adept I am at avoiding that.
I don't want him. I don't want to try. I don't want to love him. I don't want to even like him. I don't want to acknowledge that he has never once even tried. I don't want to acknowledge that I'm still sitting here. I am in a place of precarious balance. All day, my life is as I wish it. The kids and I, enjoying our summer. I convince myself that this is my life and I am happy. Then I get through the hours my husband is home. I "check out" and wait for morning when my "regular" life can begin again.
I have even started avoiding dinner. I feel guilty for this. It started because every night we had something going on. I tried to have something prepared for when we got home but everyone was coming and going at different times. Then I had a bunch of leftovers and so we kind of played with them for a while. Then I stocked the house with "easy" dinner options (salads, sandwiches, etc.). I realized not having to endure the stress of a meal as a family was a huge sense of relief. It had gotten to the point before this ingenuity that every meal was on pins and needles. Who was going to argue with him? What was he going to find fault with? When we called him on this, he got defensive and blamed us. It is always a no-win situation with him.
We do not have a relationship at this point. I speak only when spoken to or asked direct questions. I stay in one room and he in another. He has no clue this is abnormal. He is content. We have no physical interaction at all. I have stopped complaining about it. I told him a few weeks ago that I have begged him for the last time to want me. I was pretty sure I could find a few people that would gladly do the job since he finds it so repugnant. This is what I have become; a petty, vengeful, vindictive bitch.
I don't like myself. I don't like my behavior. I don't like myself physically. I don't like my weakness and lack of conviction. I don't like the fact that I'm stagnant. This is not me. I am an energetic go-getter. I am always brewing about something. I have something in the works at all times. Not any more. I get through one day. I try to sleep. That is not going great for me lately but I make the effort every night. I wake the next day and go through the motions again.
I know I will get it. I know I will find my happy again. I cannot reconcile my mind to the fact that I am still me. I feel so utterly and completely foreign. I did not believe in my wildest dreams I could be this morose, self-pitying, pathetic woman. I know she's temporary. I know my 'ever after' awaits me as soon as I decide to break out of the monotony and go after it.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Judgement Free Zone
I know so many people who say they do not judge people and do not want to be judged. It may be on appearance, beliefs, parenting style, lifestyle, whatever but they emphatically believe they should not be judged on the surface.
Ironically, these same people are constantly labelling everyone. They describe people physically first, condemn their choices and basically put them down based on what they perceive. Every word that comes out of their mouths is vehement and filled with righteousness. For the life of me, I do not understand this.
You want understanding. You want acceptance. You want compassion and patience and yet you immediately describe and dismiss everyone based on what you see. The funniest thing? They truly believe they are open, non-judgemental people.
Mostly on facebook I see this. People who are constantly preaching that we should all be allowed to be our own people are constantly posting statuses downing people. I don't know if they're angry. I don't know if they really don't see that what they are doing is EXACTLY what they don't want done to them. Is it immaturity? Is it shallowness? Is it really possible to be that emotionally and intellectually stunted that you are not putting this together?
I have been told, by more than one person, that when they looked at me and listened to me speak, they assumed I would be a snob. They felt inferior to me before they ever got to know me. They said it was a vibe that I project. This bothered me so much. Especially when more than one person told me this. Especially when men and women said this too me. What the heck does that mean? I can't help what I look like and I can't control how I sound. I was so worried that I was throwing off some aura that I was totally unaware of. I don't want people to be intimidated by me. I am probably the least intimidating person I know and it really hurt me that people are looking at me and thinking I'm a snot.
These statements, thankfully, were always followed with the comment that I am NOTHING like I appear. The men and women who have said this to me, said that once they got to know me, I am the most down to earth, laid back person they know. They also said it was weird because people that they met who seemed really nice ended up being snobby once they got to know them.
One of the biggest things I teach my children is to never judge, anybody. They had this habit of coming home and "describing" kids as part of their stories from the day. "So mom, this 'dirty' kid today...." or "mom, this 'goth' kid....." It took a LONG time but I finally drilled home the point that I do not want stories prefaced with a label. Just "a girl" or "a boy" will suffice. We have no idea why any person is the way he or she is. We don't have a clue what obstacles they overcome just to wake up and go about a day.
I despise when people label others. Dirty, drug addict, alcoholic, slut, poor, rich, stupid, etc. are all words we don't do. I don't know why people are the way they are. I don't know what drove them to cope with life in the ways they choose. I don't care. I judge you on your behavior, not your words, not your address, not your bank account.
Ironically, the people who profess to be the open ones are the ones who are turning me off the most. Every day, they label and judge and then justify why. They spin it so in their minds they are superior in their judgement. They are not doing what they are calling others out on because they are doing it differently or in a non-judgemental way. They are not being mean. They are not downing. Wrong.
Guess what? The minute you put a title on a person, you have judged and labelled. Every time you criticize another person for ANY choice they make in his or her life, you have judged. When you preface a status about someone with a physical description, you have judged. When you dare to speculate on someone's lifestyle, appearance, parenting choices, political affiliations, religious beliefs, healthcare choices, etc. YOU are doing exactly what you hate everyone doing to you. It's a two way street and until everyone realizes that, this kind of criticism is never going to abate.
Ironically, these same people are constantly labelling everyone. They describe people physically first, condemn their choices and basically put them down based on what they perceive. Every word that comes out of their mouths is vehement and filled with righteousness. For the life of me, I do not understand this.
You want understanding. You want acceptance. You want compassion and patience and yet you immediately describe and dismiss everyone based on what you see. The funniest thing? They truly believe they are open, non-judgemental people.
Mostly on facebook I see this. People who are constantly preaching that we should all be allowed to be our own people are constantly posting statuses downing people. I don't know if they're angry. I don't know if they really don't see that what they are doing is EXACTLY what they don't want done to them. Is it immaturity? Is it shallowness? Is it really possible to be that emotionally and intellectually stunted that you are not putting this together?
I have been told, by more than one person, that when they looked at me and listened to me speak, they assumed I would be a snob. They felt inferior to me before they ever got to know me. They said it was a vibe that I project. This bothered me so much. Especially when more than one person told me this. Especially when men and women said this too me. What the heck does that mean? I can't help what I look like and I can't control how I sound. I was so worried that I was throwing off some aura that I was totally unaware of. I don't want people to be intimidated by me. I am probably the least intimidating person I know and it really hurt me that people are looking at me and thinking I'm a snot.
These statements, thankfully, were always followed with the comment that I am NOTHING like I appear. The men and women who have said this to me, said that once they got to know me, I am the most down to earth, laid back person they know. They also said it was weird because people that they met who seemed really nice ended up being snobby once they got to know them.
One of the biggest things I teach my children is to never judge, anybody. They had this habit of coming home and "describing" kids as part of their stories from the day. "So mom, this 'dirty' kid today...." or "mom, this 'goth' kid....." It took a LONG time but I finally drilled home the point that I do not want stories prefaced with a label. Just "a girl" or "a boy" will suffice. We have no idea why any person is the way he or she is. We don't have a clue what obstacles they overcome just to wake up and go about a day.
I despise when people label others. Dirty, drug addict, alcoholic, slut, poor, rich, stupid, etc. are all words we don't do. I don't know why people are the way they are. I don't know what drove them to cope with life in the ways they choose. I don't care. I judge you on your behavior, not your words, not your address, not your bank account.
Ironically, the people who profess to be the open ones are the ones who are turning me off the most. Every day, they label and judge and then justify why. They spin it so in their minds they are superior in their judgement. They are not doing what they are calling others out on because they are doing it differently or in a non-judgemental way. They are not being mean. They are not downing. Wrong.
Guess what? The minute you put a title on a person, you have judged and labelled. Every time you criticize another person for ANY choice they make in his or her life, you have judged. When you preface a status about someone with a physical description, you have judged. When you dare to speculate on someone's lifestyle, appearance, parenting choices, political affiliations, religious beliefs, healthcare choices, etc. YOU are doing exactly what you hate everyone doing to you. It's a two way street and until everyone realizes that, this kind of criticism is never going to abate.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Yes, I Am Blessed
I cannot stop wondering how I am the mother of such great kids. Lately, I have just been really grateful for my relationships with both of my children. Each is unique, yet so fulfilling in it's own right.
My son is my quiet serious man. He is obedient to a fault. He is shy and nervous in new situations. He does what is asked of him without a lot of drama. He never puts himself out there. My neighbor recently told me that he is "very humble." That sums him up. Interestingly, he reminds me of myself when I was young. I was such a nervous kid. It really didn't show on the outside but new situations, people and events completely freaked me out. I rolled with it and just did what I had to do but inside I was a mess.
I tried not to break the rules. When I was with kids who did things we shouldn't be doing, I was a wreck. I did not stand up to peer pressure well and I did things I shouldn't have but I was a maniac on the inside. My son is much stronger in this respect. He is very comfortable with himself and does not succumb to pressure. He usually stands his ground. Ironically, friends who have kids in school with him have told me that the kids at school respect him more for that. He hangs out with kids that party alot and drink and smoke pot. These are his very good friends but he doesn't do those things. His classmates think that is a good thing as opposed to making fun of him for it. That type of thing can go either way.
He and I have a very serious, mature relationship. Wherever I am, he will kind of "linger." If I'm reading on the front porch, next thing I know he will be sitting in the chair next to me. It's mostly quiet and then we will talk a bit. He really respects my opinions. He tries to pretend he is very independent but based on the conversations we have, he still needs us. We have conversations that I would have with other adults. We talk about literature, nutrition, working out, school, all kinds of things. I have rarely lost my temper with him in almost 18 years. He's just so chill that he doesn't provoke that level of emotion.
He is lazy though. He is rarely challenged in life. Everything comes pretty easily to him so he just doesn't grasp the concept of having to work for things. This is really the only thing that he and I get heated about. There is such a thing as too laid back. When I was young, I was very calm and relaxed but I had a job at 16. I worked for my money. My son is lucky to have very generous relatives and therefore, stockpiles his birthday and Christmas money and lives off of that. He makes CD's for friends and charges a small amount for those as well. I really think he will be an entrepeneur. I don't see him making money the conventional way as an adult.
My daughter is me as an adult. Once I got to college, I completely changed. I had to be independent. I had to be more brave. That is really where I found what little confidence I possess now. I still have a long way to go in that department but I'm so much better than I was. My daughter is fearless. She does have nerves underneath the exterior but she is much, much better at battling through them than her brother and myself.
She is so funny. She makes me laugh every day. When we go out and have a day alone, it is non-stop laughing and fun. I never dreamed I'd be this close to my 16 year old daughter. I had hoped that as an adult, we would be very close. I was not delusional though. I anticipated the usual teenage girl drama and angst. I've gotten none of that. Freshman year was as close as we came. That was a bumpy year as she established herself in high school. I have to say though, we talked about everything and she was so receptive to guidance.
I thought most teen kids thought they knew more than their parents and if the mom tried to help, they would just ignore her. I never had that happen. When we processed things that had gone on at school that upset her, she really listened. She went into school with a plan in place and worked through situations in a mature, calm way. Trust me, there was angst, but I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly she got over it.
Our relationship is a bit more explosive. We will get louder and go back and forth more often. However, it's then over. Whomever was at fault ALWAYS is the first to apologize. We always talk about what happened, how it got out of control and we promise to try harder next time. We don't always succeed but we always talk. She and I admit to being tired or crabby and just needing an outlet for that. We both know that our arguments have no heat. Sometimes as women, we just need that release.
We were going back and forth on recital day about something in the dressing room and another mom said, "at least you two aren't fighting, we would be in a huge fight by now" (meaning her and her daughter). My daughter said, "we never fight." I thought about that and we really don't. Like I said, it's this back and forth snapping but we've never really fought about anything. We are so similar in personality that neither of us has that need to be right or 'win.'
My kids have been helping me so much around the house lately. My husband's been working a ton and things need to get done so I've been doing them. My son carried over 15 patio blocks across my entire yard when he saw me struggle with two. I never asked him. He just went outside when I came in for a break and told me they were done. He came into the garage while I was cleaning it out and just started carrying stuff into the driveway. This is what I mean about his quiet presence in my life. All of a sudden he is just beside me. Nothing is said, he just acts.
My daughter has been helping out inside and with weeding, cooking and laundry. Again, it's nothing I ask. I'm pulling weeds out of the path in the backyard and then she is just beside me throwing them into the bag. I'll come in from outside work and she's chopping vegetables and tells me that she thought I might be tired from working so hard and she thought she would get a start on dinner.
I never in my wildest dreams thought I could feel the love that I feel for these two children. In almost 18 years, I have never been disappointed by either of my children. They have only made me more proud. Their accomplishments are so many, I couldn't even begin to list them. I have had so many friends, teachers, coaches, etc. compliment their character. That to me, means more than any academic, athletic or any other accomplishment. Their hearts make me the most proud.
Yes, I am blessed.
My son is my quiet serious man. He is obedient to a fault. He is shy and nervous in new situations. He does what is asked of him without a lot of drama. He never puts himself out there. My neighbor recently told me that he is "very humble." That sums him up. Interestingly, he reminds me of myself when I was young. I was such a nervous kid. It really didn't show on the outside but new situations, people and events completely freaked me out. I rolled with it and just did what I had to do but inside I was a mess.
I tried not to break the rules. When I was with kids who did things we shouldn't be doing, I was a wreck. I did not stand up to peer pressure well and I did things I shouldn't have but I was a maniac on the inside. My son is much stronger in this respect. He is very comfortable with himself and does not succumb to pressure. He usually stands his ground. Ironically, friends who have kids in school with him have told me that the kids at school respect him more for that. He hangs out with kids that party alot and drink and smoke pot. These are his very good friends but he doesn't do those things. His classmates think that is a good thing as opposed to making fun of him for it. That type of thing can go either way.
He and I have a very serious, mature relationship. Wherever I am, he will kind of "linger." If I'm reading on the front porch, next thing I know he will be sitting in the chair next to me. It's mostly quiet and then we will talk a bit. He really respects my opinions. He tries to pretend he is very independent but based on the conversations we have, he still needs us. We have conversations that I would have with other adults. We talk about literature, nutrition, working out, school, all kinds of things. I have rarely lost my temper with him in almost 18 years. He's just so chill that he doesn't provoke that level of emotion.
He is lazy though. He is rarely challenged in life. Everything comes pretty easily to him so he just doesn't grasp the concept of having to work for things. This is really the only thing that he and I get heated about. There is such a thing as too laid back. When I was young, I was very calm and relaxed but I had a job at 16. I worked for my money. My son is lucky to have very generous relatives and therefore, stockpiles his birthday and Christmas money and lives off of that. He makes CD's for friends and charges a small amount for those as well. I really think he will be an entrepeneur. I don't see him making money the conventional way as an adult.
My daughter is me as an adult. Once I got to college, I completely changed. I had to be independent. I had to be more brave. That is really where I found what little confidence I possess now. I still have a long way to go in that department but I'm so much better than I was. My daughter is fearless. She does have nerves underneath the exterior but she is much, much better at battling through them than her brother and myself.
She is so funny. She makes me laugh every day. When we go out and have a day alone, it is non-stop laughing and fun. I never dreamed I'd be this close to my 16 year old daughter. I had hoped that as an adult, we would be very close. I was not delusional though. I anticipated the usual teenage girl drama and angst. I've gotten none of that. Freshman year was as close as we came. That was a bumpy year as she established herself in high school. I have to say though, we talked about everything and she was so receptive to guidance.
I thought most teen kids thought they knew more than their parents and if the mom tried to help, they would just ignore her. I never had that happen. When we processed things that had gone on at school that upset her, she really listened. She went into school with a plan in place and worked through situations in a mature, calm way. Trust me, there was angst, but I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly she got over it.
Our relationship is a bit more explosive. We will get louder and go back and forth more often. However, it's then over. Whomever was at fault ALWAYS is the first to apologize. We always talk about what happened, how it got out of control and we promise to try harder next time. We don't always succeed but we always talk. She and I admit to being tired or crabby and just needing an outlet for that. We both know that our arguments have no heat. Sometimes as women, we just need that release.
We were going back and forth on recital day about something in the dressing room and another mom said, "at least you two aren't fighting, we would be in a huge fight by now" (meaning her and her daughter). My daughter said, "we never fight." I thought about that and we really don't. Like I said, it's this back and forth snapping but we've never really fought about anything. We are so similar in personality that neither of us has that need to be right or 'win.'
My kids have been helping me so much around the house lately. My husband's been working a ton and things need to get done so I've been doing them. My son carried over 15 patio blocks across my entire yard when he saw me struggle with two. I never asked him. He just went outside when I came in for a break and told me they were done. He came into the garage while I was cleaning it out and just started carrying stuff into the driveway. This is what I mean about his quiet presence in my life. All of a sudden he is just beside me. Nothing is said, he just acts.
My daughter has been helping out inside and with weeding, cooking and laundry. Again, it's nothing I ask. I'm pulling weeds out of the path in the backyard and then she is just beside me throwing them into the bag. I'll come in from outside work and she's chopping vegetables and tells me that she thought I might be tired from working so hard and she thought she would get a start on dinner.
I never in my wildest dreams thought I could feel the love that I feel for these two children. In almost 18 years, I have never been disappointed by either of my children. They have only made me more proud. Their accomplishments are so many, I couldn't even begin to list them. I have had so many friends, teachers, coaches, etc. compliment their character. That to me, means more than any academic, athletic or any other accomplishment. Their hearts make me the most proud.
Yes, I am blessed.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Precious Time
I am in a very 'panicky' mode lately. I have no idea what it's all about. I have been compulsive and anxiety-ridden. I have been organizing and cleaning and doing it all over again.
I don't know if it's because after one more Regents exam (happening as I type), I am officially the mother of a high school senior and a junior. I have no idea where the time has gone. I feel like I should have years left with my children home. In one short year, my son will be off to college and my daughter will follow immediately behind. I haven't a clue how this has happened.
I had so many plans. I had so many things we were going to do and see. I have wasted years just being crazy. I am so angry about that. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I am, by nature, a stressfree, relaxed person. I was supposed to ride that out until death. I have been questioning and fretting and screaming for years and I'm just plain mad. This was NOT supposed to be part of the blueprint the kids carry into adulthood. They were supposed to have only idyllic memories of their formative years in this household.
I feel like when they were younger, we did have a really happy home. I was all I wanted to be in a mom and we had a family that I was proud of. I am so disappointed in myself. I wish I could have kept a lid on all of this for a few more years until they went away to school. I just wasn't strong enough. I tried. I really tried. I wanted to insulate them against the negative. I wanted to be able to be ignored and feel unloved and never let them know it bothered me. At some point, I just snapped and I'm so remorseful.
I think once I got into my 40's, I realized how much time I am really wasting in a life that is so unhappy. Could I stay with my husband and ride out this lifestyle? Absolutely. If I keep my mouth shut, we are fine. Lately, I just don't say anything. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of the same old arguments and issues. They are not going to change. I have written the script and it's still not going to change so why would I bother to waste more energy on this? I've just been going about my days, hanging with the kids and trying to turn around my attitude and my behavior. After all, that is the only thing I can truly have control over. I cannot make a man into something I think he should be. He either wants to try or he doesn't. I've given up and don't care.
I'm wasting more time. I actually sit and fantasize about my life with another man now. I see me loving him with all of the love I have to give someone else. When I love another, it is fiercely. I am passionate and demonstrative. I am almost possessive in my love. I want him. I want him consumed by me, thoughts of me, memories of me. I want to creep, uninvited into his thoughts in his mundane day. I want him to smile with some memory or thought of what is yet to come. I don't do 'easy' love. I have always told my husband that. I do active love. I don't get lazy and take it for granted.
I think my panic stems from the fact that I know, without doubt, I am wasting more time. I have so many regrets. So much I wish I had appreciated when I was in the moment. I look back and think of how I would stress about things that were perfectly fine. So much wasted time. So much regret. It's all crystallizing. I'm so reflective and in turn pensive.
I want this to pass. For I know, it too, shall. Am I going to look back on this phase and wish I'd not stressed so much? Or is this the catalyst? Is this going to be the life-changer? I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish life were as easy as it was when I was young, laying on a beach, wondering whether it was time to flip. Or maybe it is and I just don't know it yet.
I don't know if it's because after one more Regents exam (happening as I type), I am officially the mother of a high school senior and a junior. I have no idea where the time has gone. I feel like I should have years left with my children home. In one short year, my son will be off to college and my daughter will follow immediately behind. I haven't a clue how this has happened.
I had so many plans. I had so many things we were going to do and see. I have wasted years just being crazy. I am so angry about that. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I am, by nature, a stressfree, relaxed person. I was supposed to ride that out until death. I have been questioning and fretting and screaming for years and I'm just plain mad. This was NOT supposed to be part of the blueprint the kids carry into adulthood. They were supposed to have only idyllic memories of their formative years in this household.
I feel like when they were younger, we did have a really happy home. I was all I wanted to be in a mom and we had a family that I was proud of. I am so disappointed in myself. I wish I could have kept a lid on all of this for a few more years until they went away to school. I just wasn't strong enough. I tried. I really tried. I wanted to insulate them against the negative. I wanted to be able to be ignored and feel unloved and never let them know it bothered me. At some point, I just snapped and I'm so remorseful.
I think once I got into my 40's, I realized how much time I am really wasting in a life that is so unhappy. Could I stay with my husband and ride out this lifestyle? Absolutely. If I keep my mouth shut, we are fine. Lately, I just don't say anything. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of the same old arguments and issues. They are not going to change. I have written the script and it's still not going to change so why would I bother to waste more energy on this? I've just been going about my days, hanging with the kids and trying to turn around my attitude and my behavior. After all, that is the only thing I can truly have control over. I cannot make a man into something I think he should be. He either wants to try or he doesn't. I've given up and don't care.
I'm wasting more time. I actually sit and fantasize about my life with another man now. I see me loving him with all of the love I have to give someone else. When I love another, it is fiercely. I am passionate and demonstrative. I am almost possessive in my love. I want him. I want him consumed by me, thoughts of me, memories of me. I want to creep, uninvited into his thoughts in his mundane day. I want him to smile with some memory or thought of what is yet to come. I don't do 'easy' love. I have always told my husband that. I do active love. I don't get lazy and take it for granted.
I think my panic stems from the fact that I know, without doubt, I am wasting more time. I have so many regrets. So much I wish I had appreciated when I was in the moment. I look back and think of how I would stress about things that were perfectly fine. So much wasted time. So much regret. It's all crystallizing. I'm so reflective and in turn pensive.
I want this to pass. For I know, it too, shall. Am I going to look back on this phase and wish I'd not stressed so much? Or is this the catalyst? Is this going to be the life-changer? I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish life were as easy as it was when I was young, laying on a beach, wondering whether it was time to flip. Or maybe it is and I just don't know it yet.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Me. Just Me.
After my Friday night alone, I really started considering how much I do in my daily life that just doesn't please me. I do things to please everyone in my family but when I really reflected, they are not necessarily my preference.
The first thing is my eating. I cook things that my family likes, mainly my husband. He is the pickiest eater I have ever met. I admit to being finicky when I was growing up but once I matured and realized a taste of something that I didn't think I liked wasn't going to kill me, I would try anything. This philosophy has really opened my palate up to some amazing foods. My husband is stubborn, plain and simple. He does NOT like it. Even though he has never tried (even licked) 80% of what he claims not to like, he doesn't like it. This really limits meal times. He does not eat cheese, creamy things (dressings, casseroles, etc.), anything that meat is mixed into (stews, beef stroganoff, things like that), anything made with milk or gravy-type consistencies, the list goes on and on.
When I first married him, I thought that was just him, AT THAT TIME. I didn't even know that people at 22 were done evolving. At 21 I hadn't tried a whole lot of things and by no means did I think, "Well, that's that, I'm never going to know what that tastes like." I assumed he would try things as I cooked them and gradually his repertoire would grow and we could eat a variety of dinners. Nope. Never happened. He tells me all of the time to cook what I want and he will fend for himself. I can't do it.
He works all day and as a homemaker, I just feel part of my 'job' is to have dinner ready for him. I mean, after all, even when the kids were little, they were not sooo consuming that I could not throw together dinner. It wasn't always a gourmet feast, but there was a meal on the table. I just found myself making the things I knew he would eat. It seemed a lot simpler than getting angry when he tried something new I'd made and he claimed not to like it. I would be upset. I spent all of this time making something and he never liked it. The problem? We eat the same things (or variations of the same things) over and over.
My husband would eat pasta every night. He could care less if he ever saw any type of meat again. I don't want to eat carbs every night. As we are getting older, I'm trying to eat all of my carbs early in the day and stick to protein and veggies for dinner. That is his nightmare. Unless it's salad with chicken on it, he is not interested. So, as always, I end up giving in. I make things I know he will eat and suck it up. I'm certainly not going to make one meal for my family and a separate one for myself. I don't like to cook that much.
I also walk around my house and think it does not reflect me at all. If I lived alone, I would have my house COMPLETELY different. I always take into consideration what makes everyone else comfortable. My living room should be a formal living room and set up as such. It's more like a family room. Practical, yes. Pretty, no. I would opt for pretty every time if given the choice.
Even the patio which is stressing me out so much is already a problem. I want to border it with small stones or something. It needs to be balanced. I told my husband that yesterday and he started coming up with 100 reasons why I shouldn't do that. Why? I'm doing it. I will dig the dirt and place the rocks and do the whole thing and then maintain it afterward. I told him that right now it looks like concrete blocks just plunked in our yard. He kept saying, "Well, YOU wanted it." I acknowledged that and then said I wanted to make it aesthetically pleasing. He just kept saying, "this is what YOU wanted." Ugh.
It makes me wonder. How much of this craziness is 'me' coming to the surface? How much is Kiraly just trying to have a voice in her world? I have been shoving her down and shutting her up for so long. I wonder if my unhappiness is caused by deep repression. The kind of repression that happens when you give up all of you in the mistaken attempt to please everyone around you. When you give up your identity, you are unhappy and ultimately everyone around you is unhappy. It can't work. It can't last. Eventually, some part of you must be acknowledged or insanity will ensue.
The first thing is my eating. I cook things that my family likes, mainly my husband. He is the pickiest eater I have ever met. I admit to being finicky when I was growing up but once I matured and realized a taste of something that I didn't think I liked wasn't going to kill me, I would try anything. This philosophy has really opened my palate up to some amazing foods. My husband is stubborn, plain and simple. He does NOT like it. Even though he has never tried (even licked) 80% of what he claims not to like, he doesn't like it. This really limits meal times. He does not eat cheese, creamy things (dressings, casseroles, etc.), anything that meat is mixed into (stews, beef stroganoff, things like that), anything made with milk or gravy-type consistencies, the list goes on and on.
When I first married him, I thought that was just him, AT THAT TIME. I didn't even know that people at 22 were done evolving. At 21 I hadn't tried a whole lot of things and by no means did I think, "Well, that's that, I'm never going to know what that tastes like." I assumed he would try things as I cooked them and gradually his repertoire would grow and we could eat a variety of dinners. Nope. Never happened. He tells me all of the time to cook what I want and he will fend for himself. I can't do it.
He works all day and as a homemaker, I just feel part of my 'job' is to have dinner ready for him. I mean, after all, even when the kids were little, they were not sooo consuming that I could not throw together dinner. It wasn't always a gourmet feast, but there was a meal on the table. I just found myself making the things I knew he would eat. It seemed a lot simpler than getting angry when he tried something new I'd made and he claimed not to like it. I would be upset. I spent all of this time making something and he never liked it. The problem? We eat the same things (or variations of the same things) over and over.
My husband would eat pasta every night. He could care less if he ever saw any type of meat again. I don't want to eat carbs every night. As we are getting older, I'm trying to eat all of my carbs early in the day and stick to protein and veggies for dinner. That is his nightmare. Unless it's salad with chicken on it, he is not interested. So, as always, I end up giving in. I make things I know he will eat and suck it up. I'm certainly not going to make one meal for my family and a separate one for myself. I don't like to cook that much.
I also walk around my house and think it does not reflect me at all. If I lived alone, I would have my house COMPLETELY different. I always take into consideration what makes everyone else comfortable. My living room should be a formal living room and set up as such. It's more like a family room. Practical, yes. Pretty, no. I would opt for pretty every time if given the choice.
Even the patio which is stressing me out so much is already a problem. I want to border it with small stones or something. It needs to be balanced. I told my husband that yesterday and he started coming up with 100 reasons why I shouldn't do that. Why? I'm doing it. I will dig the dirt and place the rocks and do the whole thing and then maintain it afterward. I told him that right now it looks like concrete blocks just plunked in our yard. He kept saying, "Well, YOU wanted it." I acknowledged that and then said I wanted to make it aesthetically pleasing. He just kept saying, "this is what YOU wanted." Ugh.
It makes me wonder. How much of this craziness is 'me' coming to the surface? How much is Kiraly just trying to have a voice in her world? I have been shoving her down and shutting her up for so long. I wonder if my unhappiness is caused by deep repression. The kind of repression that happens when you give up all of you in the mistaken attempt to please everyone around you. When you give up your identity, you are unhappy and ultimately everyone around you is unhappy. It can't work. It can't last. Eventually, some part of you must be acknowledged or insanity will ensue.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Patio Problems
My in-laws had a concrete patio under a grape arbor for years. About three years ago, they decided to build a pavillion and pour the concrete. This meant leftover pavers, and lots of them. It was driving me crazy that these pavers were just sitting behind their garage. I have a "dead" corner in my backyard. Grass does not grow there. It is uneven and more dirt and weeds than anything else. It is my nemesis.
Grass is definitely at a premium in my backyard. I have what I like to think of as entertaining areas. I have a deck off of my back door. It's two tiered and on the top, I have the "living room." It's a little bistro table, a loveseat and a fireplace. The bottom deck has our table and a bar. This is covered with a new roof (still not finished but that's another story for another day). Don't get me wrong, it's not extravagent. Our bar is one we found at a tag sale around 12 years ago that I repurposed. It's cute and I stuck an umbrella in it that looks like a kiwi and it works. It's cluttered but that's me. I cannot stand minimilast looks. I love them in other people's homes but NOT in mine.
Then we go down to another deck. That's where our hot tub is. When my husband's brother died we sold our van and bought a hot tub. My husband has a very bad back. I'm talking, surgery is going to have to happen kind of bad. It was really bothering him back then and so we just bought the hot tub. For a while after my brother in law passed away, we lived a bit more recklessly than we ever had. I have always been very controlled with my eating and drinking. I think I tasted more food in the year following his death than I had in my life. Donuts for breakfast? Why not? We could be dead tomorrow. Nachos and margaritas for dinner? Sure! I would never have allowed myself to eat those things.
Finally, one day, I told my husband I was pretty sure we weren't dying but if we kept eating and drinking like we were, we would be dead soon. In retrospect, I wish I'd never opened that Pandora's box. Losing weight is a whole lot harder than maintaining it. It's also much harder to 'give up' foods than to never have them in the first place. Again, another story, another day.
Behind our garage, we had a chunk of space. Not really big enough to do anything with so we put a pool and a small deck. It fits just perfectly there and doesn't take up any yard that matters.
We had a huge maple tree in the dead center of our yard. When we moved in, it was just right. Then it was huge. It blocked the sun pretty much all day from our pool. Everyone else's pools were 80 degrees and ours would be 70 because of the continuous shade. When we decided to get rid of the tree, it was a really hard decision. On one hand, it was the focal point of my yard. I had put a little path to run between it and the pond next to the garage. I also planted plenty of shade plants. The tree was the reason I had to originally think outside of the box with the whole grass thing. It blocked the evening sun from our deck and the back of the house. I was really sad to see it go but it was going to have to happen eventually. A maple is just not a great choice when you live in the city on a small lot.
Now I have taken 24 of the pavers. I carried two to the back corner and was done (they are WAY heavier than they look). My husband got some back and my son ended up carrying 15 back, one at a time. He just did it, without my asking. He knew I wanted it done and couldn't physically do it so he went out and carried them back. I have no idea when he became a young man and acquired the strength to do that but I was grateful nonetheless.
I thought about bringing the portable basketball hoop back there. Then I thought again. It's right by the fence and I'm sure that is going to lead to more balls out of the yard than not. I have a concrete table set that has been all over my yard and that is now my plan. To somehow make that yet another seating area. My problem? Right now it looks like some leftover concrete pavers plunked in my yard. Nothing is clicking. Usually I start something like this and it takes shape in my mind. This time, I'm tapped. I'm not sure what is holding up my mental process. Maybe because it's all uneven and not quite right yet. Maybe I need the table and benches on it to get some divine inspiration. All I know is I stared at that slab of pavers until I went cross-eyed yesterday, waiting for something, anything.
It will work. It always does (at least until I change my mind and move stuff around again). I'm just impatient. I want this adorable space. I want it to be cozy and charming and inviting and right now it is anything but that. My life these days is an exercise in patience and I guess this is one more thing I will add to that ever-growing list.
Grass is definitely at a premium in my backyard. I have what I like to think of as entertaining areas. I have a deck off of my back door. It's two tiered and on the top, I have the "living room." It's a little bistro table, a loveseat and a fireplace. The bottom deck has our table and a bar. This is covered with a new roof (still not finished but that's another story for another day). Don't get me wrong, it's not extravagent. Our bar is one we found at a tag sale around 12 years ago that I repurposed. It's cute and I stuck an umbrella in it that looks like a kiwi and it works. It's cluttered but that's me. I cannot stand minimilast looks. I love them in other people's homes but NOT in mine.
Then we go down to another deck. That's where our hot tub is. When my husband's brother died we sold our van and bought a hot tub. My husband has a very bad back. I'm talking, surgery is going to have to happen kind of bad. It was really bothering him back then and so we just bought the hot tub. For a while after my brother in law passed away, we lived a bit more recklessly than we ever had. I have always been very controlled with my eating and drinking. I think I tasted more food in the year following his death than I had in my life. Donuts for breakfast? Why not? We could be dead tomorrow. Nachos and margaritas for dinner? Sure! I would never have allowed myself to eat those things.
Finally, one day, I told my husband I was pretty sure we weren't dying but if we kept eating and drinking like we were, we would be dead soon. In retrospect, I wish I'd never opened that Pandora's box. Losing weight is a whole lot harder than maintaining it. It's also much harder to 'give up' foods than to never have them in the first place. Again, another story, another day.
Behind our garage, we had a chunk of space. Not really big enough to do anything with so we put a pool and a small deck. It fits just perfectly there and doesn't take up any yard that matters.
We had a huge maple tree in the dead center of our yard. When we moved in, it was just right. Then it was huge. It blocked the sun pretty much all day from our pool. Everyone else's pools were 80 degrees and ours would be 70 because of the continuous shade. When we decided to get rid of the tree, it was a really hard decision. On one hand, it was the focal point of my yard. I had put a little path to run between it and the pond next to the garage. I also planted plenty of shade plants. The tree was the reason I had to originally think outside of the box with the whole grass thing. It blocked the evening sun from our deck and the back of the house. I was really sad to see it go but it was going to have to happen eventually. A maple is just not a great choice when you live in the city on a small lot.
Now I have taken 24 of the pavers. I carried two to the back corner and was done (they are WAY heavier than they look). My husband got some back and my son ended up carrying 15 back, one at a time. He just did it, without my asking. He knew I wanted it done and couldn't physically do it so he went out and carried them back. I have no idea when he became a young man and acquired the strength to do that but I was grateful nonetheless.
I thought about bringing the portable basketball hoop back there. Then I thought again. It's right by the fence and I'm sure that is going to lead to more balls out of the yard than not. I have a concrete table set that has been all over my yard and that is now my plan. To somehow make that yet another seating area. My problem? Right now it looks like some leftover concrete pavers plunked in my yard. Nothing is clicking. Usually I start something like this and it takes shape in my mind. This time, I'm tapped. I'm not sure what is holding up my mental process. Maybe because it's all uneven and not quite right yet. Maybe I need the table and benches on it to get some divine inspiration. All I know is I stared at that slab of pavers until I went cross-eyed yesterday, waiting for something, anything.
It will work. It always does (at least until I change my mind and move stuff around again). I'm just impatient. I want this adorable space. I want it to be cozy and charming and inviting and right now it is anything but that. My life these days is an exercise in patience and I guess this is one more thing I will add to that ever-growing list.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Home Alone
It's Friday night. I am home alone. I am blissful. I am peaceful. Somehow it's different than being home alone all day every day. Then I am lonely and bored. Tonight I am content.
It was so thrilling to decide what I wanted for dinner. Just me. What did I feel like having? I didn't have to worry if someone would complain that they didn't want it or we had just had something similar or any other thing. I took leftover rapini, peas, mushrooms, ground sausage, tomatoes and scallions and sauteed it. Then I grabbed some portabello mushroom ravioli out of the freezer I've been wanting to try. I tossed it all together and topped it with some grated parmigianno regianno and I have to say, it was decadent. I poured myself a glass of chablis and ate while I read my new book I'd started, on the front porch no less.
This is one of the most relaxing nights I can remember in a long time. I don't have to drive anyone anywhere nor pick them up. Lately on weekend nights, I've been picking my daughter up from a friend's between 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. Almost every night she dances until 9 or later and it's such a pain just waiting every night. There is no settling in and relaxing because I know I have to just get up and drive 20 minutes to pick her up. Now that she is going to a friend's on weekends, the ritual continues.
Of course, I want my kids to have a full social life but I am not a night owl. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am all about mornings. Yesterday, by the time the kids left for school, I had almost all of my windows washed (inside and out). I feel like if I don't have things done by 10 a.m. that I've wasted the day. That's just how I'm wired. For me to stay up is really hard. I am beat by the time night rolls around.
I think more than the aloneness, it is the break from responsibility that I am enjoying. Everyone is where they need to be and I have nothing to do with any of it. It's nice. It's a glimpse into what my life is going to be sooner than I know it.
I also love that my husband has been working that last few weekends at the bar. It's strange but I like him not home at night. For years he worked 3-11 and it was just the kids and I. I had a routine and we were like a well-oiled machine. I loved when he was off because it was like fun day but by the time he went back to work, I was ready. I like routine. Then for years, he worked every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at the bar. I think I just got used to being alone at night.
When the kids were young, on Friday nights, I would bring laundry upstairs and fold it and put it away and the kids would hang out in my room watching tv while I did it. One Friday, my son told me Friday nights were his favorite because we were "all cozy upstairs and everything was so warm." It's funny. That's exactly how I remember it. We were cozy. They would have their baths and be in their jammies and all of the lamps would be on creating a snuggly feel in all of the bedrooms as I went room to room and got things in order for the weekend.
We were so happy. We were so content. We had nothing, materially, yet we had everything. If I could, I would go back and hang on to those days. They've gone so quickly. Everything has flown by. My kids will be a senior and a junior in high school come the fall. I wish I had appreciated that time that I thought was so stressful. The little things that came day to day with having small children close in age were nothing. Nothing. I only wish I had known then what the future would hold. I would have appreciated those little moments a whole lot more.
It was so thrilling to decide what I wanted for dinner. Just me. What did I feel like having? I didn't have to worry if someone would complain that they didn't want it or we had just had something similar or any other thing. I took leftover rapini, peas, mushrooms, ground sausage, tomatoes and scallions and sauteed it. Then I grabbed some portabello mushroom ravioli out of the freezer I've been wanting to try. I tossed it all together and topped it with some grated parmigianno regianno and I have to say, it was decadent. I poured myself a glass of chablis and ate while I read my new book I'd started, on the front porch no less.
This is one of the most relaxing nights I can remember in a long time. I don't have to drive anyone anywhere nor pick them up. Lately on weekend nights, I've been picking my daughter up from a friend's between 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. Almost every night she dances until 9 or later and it's such a pain just waiting every night. There is no settling in and relaxing because I know I have to just get up and drive 20 minutes to pick her up. Now that she is going to a friend's on weekends, the ritual continues.
Of course, I want my kids to have a full social life but I am not a night owl. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am all about mornings. Yesterday, by the time the kids left for school, I had almost all of my windows washed (inside and out). I feel like if I don't have things done by 10 a.m. that I've wasted the day. That's just how I'm wired. For me to stay up is really hard. I am beat by the time night rolls around.
I think more than the aloneness, it is the break from responsibility that I am enjoying. Everyone is where they need to be and I have nothing to do with any of it. It's nice. It's a glimpse into what my life is going to be sooner than I know it.
I also love that my husband has been working that last few weekends at the bar. It's strange but I like him not home at night. For years he worked 3-11 and it was just the kids and I. I had a routine and we were like a well-oiled machine. I loved when he was off because it was like fun day but by the time he went back to work, I was ready. I like routine. Then for years, he worked every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at the bar. I think I just got used to being alone at night.
When the kids were young, on Friday nights, I would bring laundry upstairs and fold it and put it away and the kids would hang out in my room watching tv while I did it. One Friday, my son told me Friday nights were his favorite because we were "all cozy upstairs and everything was so warm." It's funny. That's exactly how I remember it. We were cozy. They would have their baths and be in their jammies and all of the lamps would be on creating a snuggly feel in all of the bedrooms as I went room to room and got things in order for the weekend.
We were so happy. We were so content. We had nothing, materially, yet we had everything. If I could, I would go back and hang on to those days. They've gone so quickly. Everything has flown by. My kids will be a senior and a junior in high school come the fall. I wish I had appreciated that time that I thought was so stressful. The little things that came day to day with having small children close in age were nothing. Nothing. I only wish I had known then what the future would hold. I would have appreciated those little moments a whole lot more.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
It's A Start
The doctor's appointment went pretty well. My husband wanted me to go with him but I declined. I felt like the mother hen. He's practically 45 years old and I thought it odd that I would have to be his mouthpiece. The doctor probably would have thought I was insane. Why would I speak for him like he was my child?
We did come up with a list of issues to be addressed. I wanted to make sure he didn't just blow this off. When I told him to bring the lab results from our life insurance company, he initially refused. I lost my ever-living mind. I really blew up. I told him his embarrassment and shame over our financial mistakes put undo stress on us for years. Ignoring the problem made a mountain out of a molehill and when we finally addressed the issues, the problem was remedied in a half hour. He really has a childlike mindset. If he does not acknowledge problems, they just don't exist.
I told him that was the whole reason for the visit. The doctor needed to see where to focus. He said he wanted "new" bloodwork and they would go from there. I know how he thinks. The new bloodwork would turn out better because he's been more careful and then the whole issue is miraculously over. Not this time. I yelled (loudly) and ranted. I told him he just doesn't get that he is a father and a husband that that he is the grown-up in this family. I said he had no clue what that responsibility meant.
Then I told him to do what he wanted. I said I have a life insurance policy that is perfectly valid and if he drops dead I will have more than enough money (the new polices were just to bundle our insurances and save money). I said I have prayed and prayed for an answer. I am always on the fence and undecided what to do with my marriage and maybe this was God's way of taking the matter out of my hands. I can't make him do things that make sense. I can't make him want to be healthy and live a long life.
As brutal as my ploy was, it worked. I left it at that and dropped it. He brought the lab results and talked about every single issue on the list we had come up with. He even had to talk about this stuff with the nurse first (who he knew vaguely from around town). Apparently she was pretty hot so he was mortified (hot in a hard, fake-boob kind of way) and he was appalled but he did it. Then he talked about it all again with the doctor.
He does need some follow up tests but the doctor was very reassuring. It turns out that a lot of the issues could be digestive. If things aren't digested properly, it can really mess up your whole body (makes sense). Of course, the doctor could see where one level was very high but another was low so they kind of balanced eachother out. These were the answers he needed. I can only research so much on the computer. I don't know what the heck I'm looking for so I can only repeat what the computer says about each number.
He got a couple of prescriptions, which he filled right away and started this morning. This is BIG for him. Usually he will not take pills, of any kind, for any reason. It shows me he is really committed to getting to the bottom of his problems and that makes me happy. Ignorance is a huge pet peeve of mine. Life happens. Ignoring it doesn't make things less real and people who do that drive me nuts.
So, all is good. We will know more after the next round of tests but my mind is eased and so is his. I could actually see the relief on his face. I told him his face looked so happy and relaxed yesterday. It's been so long since I've seen that look. Of course, I told him that this could have been settled a year ago when I told him to go to the doctor (hey, I'm not perfect and I had to rub it in a bit).
Then I told him that both things that were such big huge embarrassments to him that he put off and ignored ended up being so simple and not shameful at all. The doctor made him feel that none of this stuff is out of the ordinary. The few things that were wrong were countered with amazing health for a guy of his age on every other point. He actually felt really proud of that. We do live an overall healthful lifestyle and he was really happy to have the doctor acknowledge that he can see he tries to take care of himself.
It's just a good day, for all of us today.
We did come up with a list of issues to be addressed. I wanted to make sure he didn't just blow this off. When I told him to bring the lab results from our life insurance company, he initially refused. I lost my ever-living mind. I really blew up. I told him his embarrassment and shame over our financial mistakes put undo stress on us for years. Ignoring the problem made a mountain out of a molehill and when we finally addressed the issues, the problem was remedied in a half hour. He really has a childlike mindset. If he does not acknowledge problems, they just don't exist.
I told him that was the whole reason for the visit. The doctor needed to see where to focus. He said he wanted "new" bloodwork and they would go from there. I know how he thinks. The new bloodwork would turn out better because he's been more careful and then the whole issue is miraculously over. Not this time. I yelled (loudly) and ranted. I told him he just doesn't get that he is a father and a husband that that he is the grown-up in this family. I said he had no clue what that responsibility meant.
Then I told him to do what he wanted. I said I have a life insurance policy that is perfectly valid and if he drops dead I will have more than enough money (the new polices were just to bundle our insurances and save money). I said I have prayed and prayed for an answer. I am always on the fence and undecided what to do with my marriage and maybe this was God's way of taking the matter out of my hands. I can't make him do things that make sense. I can't make him want to be healthy and live a long life.
As brutal as my ploy was, it worked. I left it at that and dropped it. He brought the lab results and talked about every single issue on the list we had come up with. He even had to talk about this stuff with the nurse first (who he knew vaguely from around town). Apparently she was pretty hot so he was mortified (hot in a hard, fake-boob kind of way) and he was appalled but he did it. Then he talked about it all again with the doctor.
He does need some follow up tests but the doctor was very reassuring. It turns out that a lot of the issues could be digestive. If things aren't digested properly, it can really mess up your whole body (makes sense). Of course, the doctor could see where one level was very high but another was low so they kind of balanced eachother out. These were the answers he needed. I can only research so much on the computer. I don't know what the heck I'm looking for so I can only repeat what the computer says about each number.
He got a couple of prescriptions, which he filled right away and started this morning. This is BIG for him. Usually he will not take pills, of any kind, for any reason. It shows me he is really committed to getting to the bottom of his problems and that makes me happy. Ignorance is a huge pet peeve of mine. Life happens. Ignoring it doesn't make things less real and people who do that drive me nuts.
So, all is good. We will know more after the next round of tests but my mind is eased and so is his. I could actually see the relief on his face. I told him his face looked so happy and relaxed yesterday. It's been so long since I've seen that look. Of course, I told him that this could have been settled a year ago when I told him to go to the doctor (hey, I'm not perfect and I had to rub it in a bit).
Then I told him that both things that were such big huge embarrassments to him that he put off and ignored ended up being so simple and not shameful at all. The doctor made him feel that none of this stuff is out of the ordinary. The few things that were wrong were countered with amazing health for a guy of his age on every other point. He actually felt really proud of that. We do live an overall healthful lifestyle and he was really happy to have the doctor acknowledge that he can see he tries to take care of himself.
It's just a good day, for all of us today.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Is That You Doctor?
Today is my husband's doctor appointment. I have no idea why but I have had a sense of foreboding about his health for over a year now. I have literally been begging him to get a check up because I just had a weird feeling something is off.
He is not at all the same. I know he has been depressed and stressed and therefore tired all of the time. His sex drive used to be super strong and has been waning for years now. We once went an entire year with no intimacy, zero, zilch. This is NOT normal for a man just hitting his mid-forties. I thought for a long time he must be having an affair. Then I prayed he was. It would have explained so many of the changes in our relationship.
His mood swings and downright hurtfulness are so out of character for him that I have begun to suspect something is just off with his health. He always looks so tired and haggard. I always feel guilty because I work out and eat well and unless something is really bothering me, I sleep well. I don't work and I feel like all of the stress falls on him and it must be such a burden. Granted, I quit my job because everyone in the house wanted me too but I still feel guilt.
Getting a job has become a major priority for me. I want one I will be in for years. After all, I am just starting to build for my retirement. I have a long time to make up for if I want any type of security in my old age. I also think, as much as everyone says they don't want me to work, that contributing financially will take some stress off of my husband.
The kids are costing a boatload right now. Two thousand dollars for a trip to Spain (that does not include spending money), $300+ for recital costumes, $300 for baseball tournament team, $500 deductible for car accident this month, $150 dance tuition, etc. These are just the bills due right now. I know it is hard. Even with so many bills paid off, our loan payment over, I do understand what a huge responsibility being financially responsible for our family is.
I don't think that's all that's bothering him though. He is out like a light the minute he sits down. Again, this could be depression. He goes through the motions of what he has to do all day and when that second of free time pops up, he uses it sleeping. It's just so sad to me. We are young. He should not be so tired yet. Our evenings could be so much more fun and productive if he acted our age. He literally just doesn't have the energy.
I hope I'm being fanciful. I hope, once again, I am making things bigger than they are. I think I just want an explanation so badly that I cling to each excuse. If he's sick, that would explain things. If he's depressed, that will explain things. If he's having an affair, that will explain things. I don't even care that this way of thinking is bizarre.
I'm nervous. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I hope in this case, I am dead wrong. I hope he comes out of that office healthier than he was when he was 21. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than this wish today.
He is not at all the same. I know he has been depressed and stressed and therefore tired all of the time. His sex drive used to be super strong and has been waning for years now. We once went an entire year with no intimacy, zero, zilch. This is NOT normal for a man just hitting his mid-forties. I thought for a long time he must be having an affair. Then I prayed he was. It would have explained so many of the changes in our relationship.
His mood swings and downright hurtfulness are so out of character for him that I have begun to suspect something is just off with his health. He always looks so tired and haggard. I always feel guilty because I work out and eat well and unless something is really bothering me, I sleep well. I don't work and I feel like all of the stress falls on him and it must be such a burden. Granted, I quit my job because everyone in the house wanted me too but I still feel guilt.
Getting a job has become a major priority for me. I want one I will be in for years. After all, I am just starting to build for my retirement. I have a long time to make up for if I want any type of security in my old age. I also think, as much as everyone says they don't want me to work, that contributing financially will take some stress off of my husband.
The kids are costing a boatload right now. Two thousand dollars for a trip to Spain (that does not include spending money), $300+ for recital costumes, $300 for baseball tournament team, $500 deductible for car accident this month, $150 dance tuition, etc. These are just the bills due right now. I know it is hard. Even with so many bills paid off, our loan payment over, I do understand what a huge responsibility being financially responsible for our family is.
I don't think that's all that's bothering him though. He is out like a light the minute he sits down. Again, this could be depression. He goes through the motions of what he has to do all day and when that second of free time pops up, he uses it sleeping. It's just so sad to me. We are young. He should not be so tired yet. Our evenings could be so much more fun and productive if he acted our age. He literally just doesn't have the energy.
I hope I'm being fanciful. I hope, once again, I am making things bigger than they are. I think I just want an explanation so badly that I cling to each excuse. If he's sick, that would explain things. If he's depressed, that will explain things. If he's having an affair, that will explain things. I don't even care that this way of thinking is bizarre.
I'm nervous. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I hope in this case, I am dead wrong. I hope he comes out of that office healthier than he was when he was 21. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than this wish today.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
My Mind Is Bigger Than My Reality
Ok, so court wasn't so bad. At first I went into the wrong courtroom and there were inmates in bright orange jumpers and people who looked like they made a living sitting in those chairs, waiting to be called before the judge. After I sat down and listened for a bit, I quickly decided I would just find out where to pay my ticket. There was no way I was sitting in there all day. I found where we "lesser offenders" were supposed to be and it was much less intimidating so I decided to wait it out.
I was literally sick with dread. I was shaking, my stomach was queasy and I thought I really just couldn't do it. I am the type of person that I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable. I hate confrontation, I hate awkwardness so I tend to just avoid things that make me feel like that. I know it's unrealistic. Had I never had children, maybe I would have been able to live pretty closely to my comfort level. However, since becoming a mom, I have found myself in ALL kinds of uncomfortable spots. They have no voice and I'm it. I have spoken for them more than I thought myself possible. I do find it very hard to speak for myself still.
I was second to last to go. The judge was just lovely. There is no other word for him. He was kind and compassionate. He had empathy for the people before him and tried to the best of his ability to work with them and their circumstances. The DA was obliging to his wishes and it was just such a positive experience. I actually found myself enjoying the morning. I had a new found respect for our justice system and my faith was restored in humanity. Not everyone in a position of power abuses it. I see so many people on the news taking advantage of their position that I think I had lost hope that there were still people out there trying to do the right thing.
Of course, when it was actually my turn to tell my tale, my hands and voice were both shaking. It was all good while sitting in the courtroom but being up there was still intimidating. He was kindness personified. The DA was gentle and sympathetic. Even the courtroom officer was looking at me with encouragement when I was speaking. After hearing my story, it was decided I needed to get some information from my insurance company and guess what? I have to go back!
I'm not terrified of the concept now. I'm actually looking forward to it. It was nice to have to get "dressed" and be somewhere. I'm beginning to wonder how much of "our" problems are my lack of purpose. I'm a stay at home mom to two teens. Other than a maid, laundress and driver, what am I doing with my life? I think I need more. It felt so good to see people, to be in a different situation and experience something out of my element. That is where I thrive, in everchanging situations.
I really have to buckle down and get a job. Even if it's part-time, I need something to do. I'm too intelligent and easily bored to be constantly trying to entertain myself at home. I mean how much stimulation can I provide myself? I need outside influence. I try. Lord knows, I try to challenge myself and mix it up but I'm at the end of that road.
I really hope that this huge negative experience will jumpstart something positive. I always look for the silver lining, the rainbow after the storm. It's what keeps me sane (well, as sane as I can be right now). I'm going to start that momentum and make something good happen. It's the only way I know.
I was literally sick with dread. I was shaking, my stomach was queasy and I thought I really just couldn't do it. I am the type of person that I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable. I hate confrontation, I hate awkwardness so I tend to just avoid things that make me feel like that. I know it's unrealistic. Had I never had children, maybe I would have been able to live pretty closely to my comfort level. However, since becoming a mom, I have found myself in ALL kinds of uncomfortable spots. They have no voice and I'm it. I have spoken for them more than I thought myself possible. I do find it very hard to speak for myself still.
I was second to last to go. The judge was just lovely. There is no other word for him. He was kind and compassionate. He had empathy for the people before him and tried to the best of his ability to work with them and their circumstances. The DA was obliging to his wishes and it was just such a positive experience. I actually found myself enjoying the morning. I had a new found respect for our justice system and my faith was restored in humanity. Not everyone in a position of power abuses it. I see so many people on the news taking advantage of their position that I think I had lost hope that there were still people out there trying to do the right thing.
Of course, when it was actually my turn to tell my tale, my hands and voice were both shaking. It was all good while sitting in the courtroom but being up there was still intimidating. He was kindness personified. The DA was gentle and sympathetic. Even the courtroom officer was looking at me with encouragement when I was speaking. After hearing my story, it was decided I needed to get some information from my insurance company and guess what? I have to go back!
I'm not terrified of the concept now. I'm actually looking forward to it. It was nice to have to get "dressed" and be somewhere. I'm beginning to wonder how much of "our" problems are my lack of purpose. I'm a stay at home mom to two teens. Other than a maid, laundress and driver, what am I doing with my life? I think I need more. It felt so good to see people, to be in a different situation and experience something out of my element. That is where I thrive, in everchanging situations.
I really have to buckle down and get a job. Even if it's part-time, I need something to do. I'm too intelligent and easily bored to be constantly trying to entertain myself at home. I mean how much stimulation can I provide myself? I need outside influence. I try. Lord knows, I try to challenge myself and mix it up but I'm at the end of that road.
I really hope that this huge negative experience will jumpstart something positive. I always look for the silver lining, the rainbow after the storm. It's what keeps me sane (well, as sane as I can be right now). I'm going to start that momentum and make something good happen. It's the only way I know.
Friday, June 1, 2012
See Ya In Court
I have to go to court today. Does this life get any more nightmarish? The worst part? It's for a traffic violation.
This could easily be handled by mail. NOOOO! That would have been too simple and less mortifying. Of course, a friend, who is a police officer, told my husband that the ticket would be less and I'd get no points on my license if I went to court. It was non-negotiable, I had to go.
Basically, to save a few bucks, I have to actually go sit in a court room, plead not guilty and possibly perjure myself. I'm having a problem with this. I'm not guilty but I am guilty. In order to get the ticket lowered, I have to plead not guilty and this is a moral issue for me.
The ticket is for following too closely. That was not the case. There was plenty of room in between cars. If there was a ticket for hitting the gas pedal when thinking you are slamming on the brakes, that should have been the one issued. See what I mean? It's nit-picking but is that perjury? If you hit the car in front of you, is that technically "following too close?" If so, ticket well-deserved.
I just wanted to plead guilty, send in the ticket and pay the fine. That way, my moral quandry is a non-issue. I'm not worried about points on my license. I've never so much as been pulled over for ANY reason, let alone had a ticket before. This was a fluke. It was an extraordinary circumstance and one I will not find myself in again so I'm not worried about future points. My husband did not want to pay a bigger fine so I'm now under a ridiculous amount of stress.
I actually had a great birthday yesterday. We had to go to Ithaca for a parade my daughter was dancing in. It was a GREAT parade. I just love Ithaca. The people are so ecclectic. There is something for everyone there and the turn out was amazing. It really was so fun. Then we went to dinner at a restaurant right on the lake that we had never been to. It was just beautiful. The food was amazing, the view was spectacular and it was just a peaceful, great night.
Then we were driving home and I was thinking about what the day ahead had in store. That's when I remembered court. It ruined my mood. It just null and voided my whole great night. I was so angry. I told my husband that I hoped the few dollars he was saving was worth it. I explained how the anxiety of this ruined what was the perfect night. Then he tried to make a phone call and told me we would just mail it in.
No way. He does not get to 're-do' anymore. He needs to make the right decisions the first time around. This is just another nail in his coffin. In a way, it's a good thing I have to go. I was softening. Lately, we've been getting along and actually having some fun together. My birthday was so special and I could tell he really listened to me. I always complain that I'm bored. We never do anything different or go anywhere new. My life is monotonous and that is the death knell for me. He really put in alot of effort to make the whole night exciting and I really appreciated it.
I was starting to think, "If we could just do things like this more often, maybe things could work...if he could be this fun, happy guy more, we can stay married." This was a slap in the face reminder that underneath the facade, the miserable, cheap guy is there. He does NOT care about me and my feelings. He wants what he wants. He claims that he loves me so much and would do anything to protect me but he threw me under the bus and couldn't care less about how stressed out I am about this. That is my husband. That is my truth.
This could easily be handled by mail. NOOOO! That would have been too simple and less mortifying. Of course, a friend, who is a police officer, told my husband that the ticket would be less and I'd get no points on my license if I went to court. It was non-negotiable, I had to go.
Basically, to save a few bucks, I have to actually go sit in a court room, plead not guilty and possibly perjure myself. I'm having a problem with this. I'm not guilty but I am guilty. In order to get the ticket lowered, I have to plead not guilty and this is a moral issue for me.
The ticket is for following too closely. That was not the case. There was plenty of room in between cars. If there was a ticket for hitting the gas pedal when thinking you are slamming on the brakes, that should have been the one issued. See what I mean? It's nit-picking but is that perjury? If you hit the car in front of you, is that technically "following too close?" If so, ticket well-deserved.
I just wanted to plead guilty, send in the ticket and pay the fine. That way, my moral quandry is a non-issue. I'm not worried about points on my license. I've never so much as been pulled over for ANY reason, let alone had a ticket before. This was a fluke. It was an extraordinary circumstance and one I will not find myself in again so I'm not worried about future points. My husband did not want to pay a bigger fine so I'm now under a ridiculous amount of stress.
I actually had a great birthday yesterday. We had to go to Ithaca for a parade my daughter was dancing in. It was a GREAT parade. I just love Ithaca. The people are so ecclectic. There is something for everyone there and the turn out was amazing. It really was so fun. Then we went to dinner at a restaurant right on the lake that we had never been to. It was just beautiful. The food was amazing, the view was spectacular and it was just a peaceful, great night.
Then we were driving home and I was thinking about what the day ahead had in store. That's when I remembered court. It ruined my mood. It just null and voided my whole great night. I was so angry. I told my husband that I hoped the few dollars he was saving was worth it. I explained how the anxiety of this ruined what was the perfect night. Then he tried to make a phone call and told me we would just mail it in.
No way. He does not get to 're-do' anymore. He needs to make the right decisions the first time around. This is just another nail in his coffin. In a way, it's a good thing I have to go. I was softening. Lately, we've been getting along and actually having some fun together. My birthday was so special and I could tell he really listened to me. I always complain that I'm bored. We never do anything different or go anywhere new. My life is monotonous and that is the death knell for me. He really put in alot of effort to make the whole night exciting and I really appreciated it.
I was starting to think, "If we could just do things like this more often, maybe things could work...if he could be this fun, happy guy more, we can stay married." This was a slap in the face reminder that underneath the facade, the miserable, cheap guy is there. He does NOT care about me and my feelings. He wants what he wants. He claims that he loves me so much and would do anything to protect me but he threw me under the bus and couldn't care less about how stressed out I am about this. That is my husband. That is my truth.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Happy Birthday?
It's my birthday. I am 44 years old. I am a mess. Who woulda thunk it?
I always dreamed I'd be so settled at this age. I'd be sliding into a peaceful, middle-aged complacency. I never imagined I would be this volatile, angry beast. Every day, I go through the motions and make it just one more day forward. I smile when appropriate, I speak when spoken to, I keep house, I work out. I am existing. I am functioning (barely) and I'm miserable.
I want to be joyful. I will myself to be happy. Inside, it's just not there. We are getting along. Well, we are not fighting. I'm not going insane and punching him, so I guess this is progress.
My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "Mom, you are happy." I said, "Well, if happy means insane then yes, I am deliriously so." He told me that my husband and I are fine. All couples have problems and fight sometimes but we are good more than bad. I looked right at him and said, "I am nuts. Have you not noticed the possession going on here?"
He said I was fine. It really got me thinking. Am I thinking too much? Am I trying for perfection when mediocrity should suffice? Is this just a phase and I'll snap out of it? Is this all bigger in my own mind than what is showing?
I don't want to be rash. I don't want to make a decision that will affect every single aspect of my future in a split second or in anger. However, I don't want to be stupid either or taken advantage of. I'm really wondering how much of my "crazy" is me feeling like I just keep giving in and never voicing my wants or needs and it has all built up and now I'm constantly on edge.
I think I'm done. I cannot even drum up enthusiasm for the mission anymore. Doesn't that mean I've given up? I don't think I want this. I look at him and don't want to love him. I dream about my next love. I fantasize about meeting that guy who's going to sweep me off my feet and appreciate me until the day we die together (ok, I'm not sure how much of this is because I just read 50 Shades of Grey and being celibate, it's all about the fantasizing at this point!).
I just know, I am changing. Maybe the shell still looks and sounds the same but I know inside, I am undergoing a complete metamorpheses. I guess only time will tell what that means.
I always dreamed I'd be so settled at this age. I'd be sliding into a peaceful, middle-aged complacency. I never imagined I would be this volatile, angry beast. Every day, I go through the motions and make it just one more day forward. I smile when appropriate, I speak when spoken to, I keep house, I work out. I am existing. I am functioning (barely) and I'm miserable.
I want to be joyful. I will myself to be happy. Inside, it's just not there. We are getting along. Well, we are not fighting. I'm not going insane and punching him, so I guess this is progress.
My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "Mom, you are happy." I said, "Well, if happy means insane then yes, I am deliriously so." He told me that my husband and I are fine. All couples have problems and fight sometimes but we are good more than bad. I looked right at him and said, "I am nuts. Have you not noticed the possession going on here?"
He said I was fine. It really got me thinking. Am I thinking too much? Am I trying for perfection when mediocrity should suffice? Is this just a phase and I'll snap out of it? Is this all bigger in my own mind than what is showing?
I don't want to be rash. I don't want to make a decision that will affect every single aspect of my future in a split second or in anger. However, I don't want to be stupid either or taken advantage of. I'm really wondering how much of my "crazy" is me feeling like I just keep giving in and never voicing my wants or needs and it has all built up and now I'm constantly on edge.
I think I'm done. I cannot even drum up enthusiasm for the mission anymore. Doesn't that mean I've given up? I don't think I want this. I look at him and don't want to love him. I dream about my next love. I fantasize about meeting that guy who's going to sweep me off my feet and appreciate me until the day we die together (ok, I'm not sure how much of this is because I just read 50 Shades of Grey and being celibate, it's all about the fantasizing at this point!).
I just know, I am changing. Maybe the shell still looks and sounds the same but I know inside, I am undergoing a complete metamorpheses. I guess only time will tell what that means.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
No Words
What can I say? What can't I say? He's here. I'm here. Nothing's changed. Oh, Kiraly, but that's the story of your life. He knows this. That's why when you have a breakdown, he patiently waits for you to get over yourself and carries on. He's got this all figured out.
I wish I could wallow in self-pity. I wish I could just lie down and not get up for things that have to be done. This is my problem. I have such a strong sense of responsibility. Even though I don't necessarily want to do things, I will. It's ingrained in me. I will not slack. He knows this and he knows that even if I have that "moment," once there are things that have to be taken care of, I will be up and at 'em.
I'm trying so hard to morph back into an independent being. I am putting every ounce of energy I have into remembering Kiraly. Not the wife. Not the mother. Just the girl that used to be me. I used to laugh insatiably every day. I had energy in abundance. I loved to dance. I never dance any more. I never left the dance floor when I was young. Now when we go to the odd wedding and I have a chance to dance, it's a problem. He does not dance. He used to. He never loved it but he used to humor me. Now he claims he never did. Well, I beg to differ. I would NEVER have married a guy that hates to dance. I'm not saying he has to be Fred Astaire but it's about jumping around and having fun. It such a blast if you don't overthink it and just move.
In fact, we rarely have any fun anymore. Last weekend, I went to a friend's house after my son's ballgame. We had one rum and coke which turned into a bottle. Then we got a ride over to another friend's house and kept the party going until LATE into the night. I was drunk. Not buzzed but drunk to the point where when I woke up in the morning I was still drunk. I drink but it's usually a couple of cocktails or wine with dinner. I never really get loaded. Well, let me tell you, I made up for it that night. I loved every minute of it. My husband came over when I was MIA for a few hours and he ended up staying.
That didn't even bother me. Even though I had made up my mind not to speak to him again, I was so in the zone that I didn't even think about him being there. I decided I was going to say and do what I wanted and his opinion be damned. I wasn't going to worry if he was going to shush me or judge me or give me a dirty look. I couldn't care less. When he met me he loved me because I was wild and the life of the party. Since we've been married he has put every ounce of his effort into trying to kill that in me. On one hand, I hate attention. On the other hand, I don't really care what people think of me so when I'm in a moment I'm not really thinking about who's looking at me or saying what. I'm about having fun at that time. Nothing is so dreadful that it can't be laughed at later.
I had a ball. You know what? When he asked me the next morning how I felt, I told him, "I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk." No apologies. No recriminations. I really didn't care what he thought of that. Ironically, he chose to take it well. Normally, he would start in on me. "Well, you did this and said that and were slurring, blah, blah, blah..." I didn't give him a chance. I told him that I knew things weren't going to go well when after two drinks I went into the house and saw two of everything and bounced off of every surface. I hadn't eaten and was out in the sun for hours at the ball game. That and alcohol is a lethal combination. Normally, I'd switch to water. This time, I sent him to the liquor store for more rum.
I'm all done apologizing for being me. He knew who I was when he married me. I've changed as much as I'm willing to. In fact, I really liked me a whole lot better before a husband and kids. I was mellow. I was fun. I didn't take life too seriously. I was not all drama and trauma. This new persona is exhausting. I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point? It's time he changes.
We are done talking. We are done negotiating. We are done trying. I need to find the old me and get back to the business of living MY life, not the life I think I should be living. I will get there. It's slow going but I have faith in me.
I wish I could wallow in self-pity. I wish I could just lie down and not get up for things that have to be done. This is my problem. I have such a strong sense of responsibility. Even though I don't necessarily want to do things, I will. It's ingrained in me. I will not slack. He knows this and he knows that even if I have that "moment," once there are things that have to be taken care of, I will be up and at 'em.
I'm trying so hard to morph back into an independent being. I am putting every ounce of energy I have into remembering Kiraly. Not the wife. Not the mother. Just the girl that used to be me. I used to laugh insatiably every day. I had energy in abundance. I loved to dance. I never dance any more. I never left the dance floor when I was young. Now when we go to the odd wedding and I have a chance to dance, it's a problem. He does not dance. He used to. He never loved it but he used to humor me. Now he claims he never did. Well, I beg to differ. I would NEVER have married a guy that hates to dance. I'm not saying he has to be Fred Astaire but it's about jumping around and having fun. It such a blast if you don't overthink it and just move.
In fact, we rarely have any fun anymore. Last weekend, I went to a friend's house after my son's ballgame. We had one rum and coke which turned into a bottle. Then we got a ride over to another friend's house and kept the party going until LATE into the night. I was drunk. Not buzzed but drunk to the point where when I woke up in the morning I was still drunk. I drink but it's usually a couple of cocktails or wine with dinner. I never really get loaded. Well, let me tell you, I made up for it that night. I loved every minute of it. My husband came over when I was MIA for a few hours and he ended up staying.
That didn't even bother me. Even though I had made up my mind not to speak to him again, I was so in the zone that I didn't even think about him being there. I decided I was going to say and do what I wanted and his opinion be damned. I wasn't going to worry if he was going to shush me or judge me or give me a dirty look. I couldn't care less. When he met me he loved me because I was wild and the life of the party. Since we've been married he has put every ounce of his effort into trying to kill that in me. On one hand, I hate attention. On the other hand, I don't really care what people think of me so when I'm in a moment I'm not really thinking about who's looking at me or saying what. I'm about having fun at that time. Nothing is so dreadful that it can't be laughed at later.
I had a ball. You know what? When he asked me the next morning how I felt, I told him, "I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk." No apologies. No recriminations. I really didn't care what he thought of that. Ironically, he chose to take it well. Normally, he would start in on me. "Well, you did this and said that and were slurring, blah, blah, blah..." I didn't give him a chance. I told him that I knew things weren't going to go well when after two drinks I went into the house and saw two of everything and bounced off of every surface. I hadn't eaten and was out in the sun for hours at the ball game. That and alcohol is a lethal combination. Normally, I'd switch to water. This time, I sent him to the liquor store for more rum.
I'm all done apologizing for being me. He knew who I was when he married me. I've changed as much as I'm willing to. In fact, I really liked me a whole lot better before a husband and kids. I was mellow. I was fun. I didn't take life too seriously. I was not all drama and trauma. This new persona is exhausting. I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point? It's time he changes.
We are done talking. We are done negotiating. We are done trying. I need to find the old me and get back to the business of living MY life, not the life I think I should be living. I will get there. It's slow going but I have faith in me.
Friday, May 11, 2012
Surprise, Surprise! More Lies.
He's still here. There was a baseball game yesterday and a meeting at school. He took the game and I attended the meeting. After the baseball game, he dropped my daughter at dance and then was home.
I asked him why he was here. He said because "we" decided that we were going to work through this and one of us would stay upstairs and one down. I clarified that the night before we said we were doing that overnight because it was too late for him to go to his parents' house by the time things calmed down. I asked him if he remembered promising that he would leave if I did not go to Connecticut. Then I said, "More lies?"
He said, "we are going to work through this. We always do. I'm not going anywhere." I asked him what part of this he was not understanding. I also informed him I totally understand why he would think that because that is what I always do. I threaten and never follow through. He has become my unruly toddler who has no idea what my limits are because they are never enforced. There is no bottom line. Why would he think this time is any different?
I told him that I wished he had just let me go when I was angry. I couldn't believe I was walking out of the house on my children but that spoke to me. That is a desperate woman. Especially when I have rarely in almost 18 years even gone out without my kids. Everything I do, I want them to do. If we go to dinner, I want them with us. I just love being with them all of the time. I know I'm supposed to want adult time and girl time but I'm just not programmed that way. It's going so quickly. I only have them for such a short time and then they are going to be adults, off living their own lives. Even when they were toddlers, everything was just more fun and somehow better with them. Dinner out was an adventure and I loved seeing every new experience through their eyes. Everything was equally thrilling to them and it made me appreciate the small things.
Calm, rational Kiraly is back in place. I don't think I can walk out on them again. I didn't want to go the other night but I was distraught. I was actually afraid of myself. I have never, ever experienced that kind of emotion. It was pure rage. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me. I sobbed. I thought my heart was breaking. My mind was chanting, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" and I was powerless. I have never lost conrol of myself like that. When I was a child, growing up in a family of nine (eight girls), let's just say there was plenty of drama. I never got involved. In fact one of my sisters, who spent tons of time with me growing up told my family that they must love having me for a mom. She assumed I was sweet and never yelled. We quickly corrected that assumption. Just being a wife and mom has brought out a side of me I struggle with.
I hate being the disciplinarian. I actually went to our pediatrician and cried when my kids were very young. I told her that I felt like a shrew. All I did all day was say no and "correct." I hated it. My husband worked so obviously I was doing the bulk of the child-rearing. She told me that I had a choice. Either I could deal with my discomfort for a few years or have disrespectful, ill-behaved kids. Since the latter was not even an option, I sucked it up. She assured me it would only be for a few years that they would test me and then they would know their limits and things would smooth out. She was absolutely right. I don't think I've really had to discipline my childrent since around age 5. They know if I say it, it will happen so they don't push my limits. I just correct and we carry on.
I had to leave the other night. It was not optional. When I came back in and went to my kids to tell them that plans had changed and their dad was going to leave the next day, my daughter was just sitting in bed crying. She was trying so hard to be brave and supportive but tears were just leaking out of her eyes, despite her attempt to halt them. I don't think I can do that to her again. This self-centered dolt does not even realize that this is not a game. We cannot put our children through this at whim. She was dealing with those emotions and coming to terms with the fact I was going. Then I'm sure she processed the fact that her dad was going to be staying with his parents for a while. Now everyone is right here in dysfunctionville. He just doesn't get it.
These are people. They cannot deal with loss and pain and these complex emotions every day. He knows I won't do it to them in a rational state. He was counting on that. He may have won this battle but I am back to strategizing and I will win the war.
I asked him why he was here. He said because "we" decided that we were going to work through this and one of us would stay upstairs and one down. I clarified that the night before we said we were doing that overnight because it was too late for him to go to his parents' house by the time things calmed down. I asked him if he remembered promising that he would leave if I did not go to Connecticut. Then I said, "More lies?"
He said, "we are going to work through this. We always do. I'm not going anywhere." I asked him what part of this he was not understanding. I also informed him I totally understand why he would think that because that is what I always do. I threaten and never follow through. He has become my unruly toddler who has no idea what my limits are because they are never enforced. There is no bottom line. Why would he think this time is any different?
I told him that I wished he had just let me go when I was angry. I couldn't believe I was walking out of the house on my children but that spoke to me. That is a desperate woman. Especially when I have rarely in almost 18 years even gone out without my kids. Everything I do, I want them to do. If we go to dinner, I want them with us. I just love being with them all of the time. I know I'm supposed to want adult time and girl time but I'm just not programmed that way. It's going so quickly. I only have them for such a short time and then they are going to be adults, off living their own lives. Even when they were toddlers, everything was just more fun and somehow better with them. Dinner out was an adventure and I loved seeing every new experience through their eyes. Everything was equally thrilling to them and it made me appreciate the small things.
Calm, rational Kiraly is back in place. I don't think I can walk out on them again. I didn't want to go the other night but I was distraught. I was actually afraid of myself. I have never, ever experienced that kind of emotion. It was pure rage. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me. I sobbed. I thought my heart was breaking. My mind was chanting, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" and I was powerless. I have never lost conrol of myself like that. When I was a child, growing up in a family of nine (eight girls), let's just say there was plenty of drama. I never got involved. In fact one of my sisters, who spent tons of time with me growing up told my family that they must love having me for a mom. She assumed I was sweet and never yelled. We quickly corrected that assumption. Just being a wife and mom has brought out a side of me I struggle with.
I hate being the disciplinarian. I actually went to our pediatrician and cried when my kids were very young. I told her that I felt like a shrew. All I did all day was say no and "correct." I hated it. My husband worked so obviously I was doing the bulk of the child-rearing. She told me that I had a choice. Either I could deal with my discomfort for a few years or have disrespectful, ill-behaved kids. Since the latter was not even an option, I sucked it up. She assured me it would only be for a few years that they would test me and then they would know their limits and things would smooth out. She was absolutely right. I don't think I've really had to discipline my childrent since around age 5. They know if I say it, it will happen so they don't push my limits. I just correct and we carry on.
I had to leave the other night. It was not optional. When I came back in and went to my kids to tell them that plans had changed and their dad was going to leave the next day, my daughter was just sitting in bed crying. She was trying so hard to be brave and supportive but tears were just leaking out of her eyes, despite her attempt to halt them. I don't think I can do that to her again. This self-centered dolt does not even realize that this is not a game. We cannot put our children through this at whim. She was dealing with those emotions and coming to terms with the fact I was going. Then I'm sure she processed the fact that her dad was going to be staying with his parents for a while. Now everyone is right here in dysfunctionville. He just doesn't get it.
These are people. They cannot deal with loss and pain and these complex emotions every day. He knows I won't do it to them in a rational state. He was counting on that. He may have won this battle but I am back to strategizing and I will win the war.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Snapped!
Well, it's happened. I wondered how long I could control myself. I lost my mind last night. I actually physically went after my husband. I now know what it feels like to be possessed.
There has been a fragile peace in our home. I have been too tired to keep talking about the same things. It's obvious nothing is going to change so I've been just plugging away at this thing called life and not worrying too much about my marriage.
We discovered there may be some medical issues which are causing my husband's wild behavior. He does not have a follow-up appointment until June so I was just waiting. I don't want him to have a medical problem but I have to admit, it would have been a relief. When I say this man is a stranger to me, that is NOT an understatement. Some of the "symptoms" of what may be wrong with him are mood swings, irritability, and mental confustion. I would say that sums it up. I was kind of hoping that I could just blame the last couple of years on poor health, forgive it all and start over with my new healthy husband.
I realized last night that will be impossible. I am broken. I am keeping a tentative hold on my sanity and it's slipping away bit by bit. I knew I was repressing. I knew I had resentment and hostility and anger bottled up. I had no idea it was simmering so close to the surface. I had no idea I was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
It started at dinner. My son and I were discussing his impending trip to Spain this summer. My husband had not been told yet about it. I just don't tell him anything anymore because I'm tired of the inevitable disagreements. Right away he started asking financial questions. Is there a fund raiser? How much is this going to cost? I told him not to worry about it. I've been looking into some jobs and plan on getting one soon so I would cover his trip. One thing led to another and I said, "Why did you want this family? Why did you want children? I feel like we are a burden to you and all you do is complain about how much we cost you."
He put his hand up (in the "talk to the hand" gesture.) I told him not to. He said, "I just did." I lost my mind. I told him I am not some accessory that he gets to ignore and treat like a dog. I told him I am sick and tired of him not letting me have any input in our lives and him always trying to silence me. I told him for someone who wants to save our marriage and show me he loves me, he sure has a funny way of doing so. Of course, I got the "but it's ok that you do it?"
I exploded. I screamed that I wish I'd never laid eyes on him. I asked him where the hell our money is. We paid off our debt only to have bigger financial issues. Nothing was changing, everything was just getting worse and I couldn't take it. He was looking at me with that disgusted look on his face and I just started punching him as I was screaming. I wanted to hurt him. I am so sick of trying to fix him while inside I am shattering into a million tiny little pieces. I am tired of being patient and thoughtful while he does NOTHING to change. I am sick of his lies and excuses and deflection and blame. If he wants to blame me for behaving badly, at least now he has something to back it up.
Then I went to the attic and grabbed a suitcase. I started grabbing whatever I could find and throwing it in. I took a little break to sob hysterically on my bedroom floor. My daughter came in and helped me pack. I told her I just can't do it any more. I told her not to be sad but I had to go because I was going to literally go crazy if I didn't. She said she understood and told me I was the strongest, most brave woman she knew and that she loves me very much. I knew her heart was breaking and she still knew it was best that I go.
I went downstairs and of course my husband was waiting at the door. He actually waved (in a super mocking way). I told him, "I hope that was really the last thing you wanted to share with me because you are STILL not getting this." Then he told me that none of that had to happen because he had only asked about a fund raiser and "it didn't need to go there." Then of course he told me if I left the kids weren't getting to school the next day. Then he told me he hoped I was happy that our daughter was upstairs crying her eyes out.
I said that indeed, I was not happy. I also said that I have NEVER put myself before the happiness of my kids so I think me leaving was pretty indicative of just how bad things were. I couldn't stay. I could not endure one more moment with this idiot. Then I pointed out that he STILL was not getting it. His wife was leaving him and the only thing he could think to say to me was how it was all my fault. He acted the way he did because I acted the way I did. More deflection. I told him things were never going to change because he cannot even own his behavior so how was he going to change it?
Then he said, "it's ok that you punched me and attacked me?" I said, "NOOOOO!!!!! It is NOT ok. I have become an animal. I am not ok with being insane." He told me I was crazy. I agreed 100%. I am crazy. In the attempt to do what I thought was right, I have lost my mind. That was exactly why I had to go. He did not get it. I feel like he just has no clue. He said that I flip flop. I tell him I love him and want to stay married and then I want to leave.
I explained that when I tell him what is in my heart, I mean that. I tell him I do NOT want a divorce. I want to love him and be happy like we used to be. When I say that, I mean it. Just because I want it, does not mean it can be. If we cannot live together without this dysfunction than that dream will never be realized. I told him that we both agreed to work to make this marriage last and I have not seen one change in him. I am all done doing it alone. He wants me to shut up and things to go back to the way they were and that's not happening.
He followed me out to the car and wouldn't get out. I told him that he is waiting for me to roll over. I told him that is my fault as well. Every major decision that we have ever made, I rolled over. We got married where he wanted to. We had a huge wedding because he wanted to. We lived where he wanted in the house that he wanted. We had two kids because he wanted them. He made promises that if I gave in on these things that I would get the things I wanted later. It's been 22 years and I have not gotten one thing yet. More lies.
He told me to stay and that he would go today. It makes sense. If I leave, I will go to Connecticut. That is the only place that I would feel comfortable. If he leaves, he can go to his parents in town. I told him that was fine but he is going. If he doesn't, I am leaving and no second chances. I also told him if he makes me put my kids through what they went through last night again, those little punches will be nothing compared to what I will do to him.
There has been a fragile peace in our home. I have been too tired to keep talking about the same things. It's obvious nothing is going to change so I've been just plugging away at this thing called life and not worrying too much about my marriage.
We discovered there may be some medical issues which are causing my husband's wild behavior. He does not have a follow-up appointment until June so I was just waiting. I don't want him to have a medical problem but I have to admit, it would have been a relief. When I say this man is a stranger to me, that is NOT an understatement. Some of the "symptoms" of what may be wrong with him are mood swings, irritability, and mental confustion. I would say that sums it up. I was kind of hoping that I could just blame the last couple of years on poor health, forgive it all and start over with my new healthy husband.
I realized last night that will be impossible. I am broken. I am keeping a tentative hold on my sanity and it's slipping away bit by bit. I knew I was repressing. I knew I had resentment and hostility and anger bottled up. I had no idea it was simmering so close to the surface. I had no idea I was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.
It started at dinner. My son and I were discussing his impending trip to Spain this summer. My husband had not been told yet about it. I just don't tell him anything anymore because I'm tired of the inevitable disagreements. Right away he started asking financial questions. Is there a fund raiser? How much is this going to cost? I told him not to worry about it. I've been looking into some jobs and plan on getting one soon so I would cover his trip. One thing led to another and I said, "Why did you want this family? Why did you want children? I feel like we are a burden to you and all you do is complain about how much we cost you."
He put his hand up (in the "talk to the hand" gesture.) I told him not to. He said, "I just did." I lost my mind. I told him I am not some accessory that he gets to ignore and treat like a dog. I told him I am sick and tired of him not letting me have any input in our lives and him always trying to silence me. I told him for someone who wants to save our marriage and show me he loves me, he sure has a funny way of doing so. Of course, I got the "but it's ok that you do it?"
I exploded. I screamed that I wish I'd never laid eyes on him. I asked him where the hell our money is. We paid off our debt only to have bigger financial issues. Nothing was changing, everything was just getting worse and I couldn't take it. He was looking at me with that disgusted look on his face and I just started punching him as I was screaming. I wanted to hurt him. I am so sick of trying to fix him while inside I am shattering into a million tiny little pieces. I am tired of being patient and thoughtful while he does NOTHING to change. I am sick of his lies and excuses and deflection and blame. If he wants to blame me for behaving badly, at least now he has something to back it up.
Then I went to the attic and grabbed a suitcase. I started grabbing whatever I could find and throwing it in. I took a little break to sob hysterically on my bedroom floor. My daughter came in and helped me pack. I told her I just can't do it any more. I told her not to be sad but I had to go because I was going to literally go crazy if I didn't. She said she understood and told me I was the strongest, most brave woman she knew and that she loves me very much. I knew her heart was breaking and she still knew it was best that I go.
I went downstairs and of course my husband was waiting at the door. He actually waved (in a super mocking way). I told him, "I hope that was really the last thing you wanted to share with me because you are STILL not getting this." Then he told me that none of that had to happen because he had only asked about a fund raiser and "it didn't need to go there." Then of course he told me if I left the kids weren't getting to school the next day. Then he told me he hoped I was happy that our daughter was upstairs crying her eyes out.
I said that indeed, I was not happy. I also said that I have NEVER put myself before the happiness of my kids so I think me leaving was pretty indicative of just how bad things were. I couldn't stay. I could not endure one more moment with this idiot. Then I pointed out that he STILL was not getting it. His wife was leaving him and the only thing he could think to say to me was how it was all my fault. He acted the way he did because I acted the way I did. More deflection. I told him things were never going to change because he cannot even own his behavior so how was he going to change it?
Then he said, "it's ok that you punched me and attacked me?" I said, "NOOOOO!!!!! It is NOT ok. I have become an animal. I am not ok with being insane." He told me I was crazy. I agreed 100%. I am crazy. In the attempt to do what I thought was right, I have lost my mind. That was exactly why I had to go. He did not get it. I feel like he just has no clue. He said that I flip flop. I tell him I love him and want to stay married and then I want to leave.
I explained that when I tell him what is in my heart, I mean that. I tell him I do NOT want a divorce. I want to love him and be happy like we used to be. When I say that, I mean it. Just because I want it, does not mean it can be. If we cannot live together without this dysfunction than that dream will never be realized. I told him that we both agreed to work to make this marriage last and I have not seen one change in him. I am all done doing it alone. He wants me to shut up and things to go back to the way they were and that's not happening.
He followed me out to the car and wouldn't get out. I told him that he is waiting for me to roll over. I told him that is my fault as well. Every major decision that we have ever made, I rolled over. We got married where he wanted to. We had a huge wedding because he wanted to. We lived where he wanted in the house that he wanted. We had two kids because he wanted them. He made promises that if I gave in on these things that I would get the things I wanted later. It's been 22 years and I have not gotten one thing yet. More lies.
He told me to stay and that he would go today. It makes sense. If I leave, I will go to Connecticut. That is the only place that I would feel comfortable. If he leaves, he can go to his parents in town. I told him that was fine but he is going. If he doesn't, I am leaving and no second chances. I also told him if he makes me put my kids through what they went through last night again, those little punches will be nothing compared to what I will do to him.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Just A Spoonful Of Anger
Well, luckily for me, I am so mercurial that moods don't often last long in my world. I do believe I am snapped out of my "depressed" phase and just plain angry. I think things have been just trudging along and that was why I lost my enthusiasm. It made me second guess. That's over.
My husband wanted an argument last night. I refused to speak to him. He would not shut up so I finally said that I was not engaging in behavior that better suits two children on a playground. The back and forth petty, ugliness is over. Of course, his response, "Oh, but it's ok the way you talk to me?" (He really needs to get a new comeback). I pointed out that it was not ok but if he's noticed I have not been snapping. I have been putting every ounce of effort I have to not point out every snarky, nasty thing that comes out of his mouth in a day.
Then I told him I was actually considering coming to him and telling him I just wanted to start over. I wanted to clean the slate, forget all of the ugliness and move forward in a positive, healthy way for the sake of our family. I was glad last night that he showed me, yet again, how impossible that is. I pointed out that once he is in a behavior, it is impossible for him to change. It just becomes him. He cannot grasp the concept of change or growth. Honestly, that is the most frustrating part of my life right now. I have NEVER in my life met a person who just doesn't understand that he has complete control over his behavior and the outcome of his life.
He does not grasp that if he could just control himself this would be over. If he could remember the way he used to speak to me and treat me, all would be done. I'm not a mean person. I'm not a controlling person. I am the most forgiving person I know and I can get past almost anything. I would have forgiven him everything. I just want peace. He can't do it. He will not change. Last night really turned the lights on for me. This will not happen because I will it. I know he loves me. I know he wants our marriage to work. He just cannot comprehend that he has the power to make that happen. I don't have the strength to carry us both any more.
I needed last night. I needed that slap in the face. I paced around and fumed and then sat down to blog. He muttered in the background the whole time about me "making stuff up" etc. How can he even say this stuff when what happened JUST transpired two minutes ago? Then he sarcastically called out from the living room asking if I could set up a facebook page and a blog for him so he could go write stuff after it happens. This is what I'm dealing with. I can't. He is a child. He has no clue how to be a man. He has no clue how to be a father or a husband.
He spends so much time emulating me that he has lost his opportunity to forge relationships with his children. He is so busy worrying and wondering how I would talk to them that he's lost the ability to just talk. He never just speaks to them as himself. He is so busy "correcting" things that aren't wrong that he's wasting their entire childhoods. He is going to have so many regrets. I cannot worry about that though. The love I have for him wants me to spare him that but at the end of the day this is his life.
I have to make a life for myself. This life isn't mine. I am not me. I want to wake up and look in the mirror and see the happy, joyful person I have always been. I don't want to stare at this defeated, burdened person. She is a stranger. I'm not comfortable any longer and I have to take back control. It is the only way to salvage what's left of the Kiraly I knew.
My husband wanted an argument last night. I refused to speak to him. He would not shut up so I finally said that I was not engaging in behavior that better suits two children on a playground. The back and forth petty, ugliness is over. Of course, his response, "Oh, but it's ok the way you talk to me?" (He really needs to get a new comeback). I pointed out that it was not ok but if he's noticed I have not been snapping. I have been putting every ounce of effort I have to not point out every snarky, nasty thing that comes out of his mouth in a day.
Then I told him I was actually considering coming to him and telling him I just wanted to start over. I wanted to clean the slate, forget all of the ugliness and move forward in a positive, healthy way for the sake of our family. I was glad last night that he showed me, yet again, how impossible that is. I pointed out that once he is in a behavior, it is impossible for him to change. It just becomes him. He cannot grasp the concept of change or growth. Honestly, that is the most frustrating part of my life right now. I have NEVER in my life met a person who just doesn't understand that he has complete control over his behavior and the outcome of his life.
He does not grasp that if he could just control himself this would be over. If he could remember the way he used to speak to me and treat me, all would be done. I'm not a mean person. I'm not a controlling person. I am the most forgiving person I know and I can get past almost anything. I would have forgiven him everything. I just want peace. He can't do it. He will not change. Last night really turned the lights on for me. This will not happen because I will it. I know he loves me. I know he wants our marriage to work. He just cannot comprehend that he has the power to make that happen. I don't have the strength to carry us both any more.
I needed last night. I needed that slap in the face. I paced around and fumed and then sat down to blog. He muttered in the background the whole time about me "making stuff up" etc. How can he even say this stuff when what happened JUST transpired two minutes ago? Then he sarcastically called out from the living room asking if I could set up a facebook page and a blog for him so he could go write stuff after it happens. This is what I'm dealing with. I can't. He is a child. He has no clue how to be a man. He has no clue how to be a father or a husband.
He spends so much time emulating me that he has lost his opportunity to forge relationships with his children. He is so busy worrying and wondering how I would talk to them that he's lost the ability to just talk. He never just speaks to them as himself. He is so busy "correcting" things that aren't wrong that he's wasting their entire childhoods. He is going to have so many regrets. I cannot worry about that though. The love I have for him wants me to spare him that but at the end of the day this is his life.
I have to make a life for myself. This life isn't mine. I am not me. I want to wake up and look in the mirror and see the happy, joyful person I have always been. I don't want to stare at this defeated, burdened person. She is a stranger. I'm not comfortable any longer and I have to take back control. It is the only way to salvage what's left of the Kiraly I knew.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
No Sleep For Me
I was so exhausted. I have been yawning since this evening but there will be no sleep for me for quite some time. Anger has a way of motivating one to overcome the most basic of needs.
I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. If I write this enough will that motivate my pathetic self to move? If I realize how useless this man-child I am with really is, will that motivate me to move?
My happiness is within my power. My happiness is within my grasp. It is beyond time to stop whining about my situation and change it. How long has this been my pathetic rant? Months. I went from hope and belief that my marriage would make it through our "bumps" and be the loving union it was to an absolute certainty that this man is insane.
I am all done taking responsibility for any of this. I am all done shouldering blame for things I am blameless. He is crazy. That is our problem. I have been patient. I have been supportive. I have been understanding and now I am just fed up.
Some people cannot change. They are so busy blaming everyone around them for their behavior that they never realize it just might be them. They are so busy looking for reasons to excuse themselves for their rotten personalities that they forget that everyone has potential for growth. Everyone needs work. Everyone can find what is wrong in them and work on changing it.
I have reached my quota of delusional immature people. I am beyond my boundaries for tolerating people berating me and talking down to me with no consequences. I am sick to death of being nice for the sake of being nice. I am done trying to find the good and light in everyone and help everyone.
I need to help myself. I need to get my head out of my ass and move forward with my life. The hell with waiting for everyone to catch up. They don't deserve to be with me on my journey. They don't deserve to be in the same room with me and I'm all done dumbing myself down and tolerating mistreatment in the name of peace.
My husband treats me worse than we have ever treated any dog. He speaks to me like his worst enemy and when I call him on it, the only response he can come up with is, "Ohhhh....but you treat me well?" No. I don't. I hate him. He hates me and trying to make something work that should have been shot to death years ago is stupid and useless and just dumb.
I am done.
I am done. I am done. I am done. I am done. If I write this enough will that motivate my pathetic self to move? If I realize how useless this man-child I am with really is, will that motivate me to move?
My happiness is within my power. My happiness is within my grasp. It is beyond time to stop whining about my situation and change it. How long has this been my pathetic rant? Months. I went from hope and belief that my marriage would make it through our "bumps" and be the loving union it was to an absolute certainty that this man is insane.
I am all done taking responsibility for any of this. I am all done shouldering blame for things I am blameless. He is crazy. That is our problem. I have been patient. I have been supportive. I have been understanding and now I am just fed up.
Some people cannot change. They are so busy blaming everyone around them for their behavior that they never realize it just might be them. They are so busy looking for reasons to excuse themselves for their rotten personalities that they forget that everyone has potential for growth. Everyone needs work. Everyone can find what is wrong in them and work on changing it.
I have reached my quota of delusional immature people. I am beyond my boundaries for tolerating people berating me and talking down to me with no consequences. I am sick to death of being nice for the sake of being nice. I am done trying to find the good and light in everyone and help everyone.
I need to help myself. I need to get my head out of my ass and move forward with my life. The hell with waiting for everyone to catch up. They don't deserve to be with me on my journey. They don't deserve to be in the same room with me and I'm all done dumbing myself down and tolerating mistreatment in the name of peace.
My husband treats me worse than we have ever treated any dog. He speaks to me like his worst enemy and when I call him on it, the only response he can come up with is, "Ohhhh....but you treat me well?" No. I don't. I hate him. He hates me and trying to make something work that should have been shot to death years ago is stupid and useless and just dumb.
I am done.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)