My husband and I have a policy, we never say never. We especially apply this to our children. We never assume that we will or will not do something when it comes to our kids.
I can remember way back when, some of the people we knew with 10 year old kids were getting them cell phones. I thought it was ludicrous, I mean who does a 10 year old really have to stay in touch with? However, I never said, "not me." One day my daughter went to the park. She came FLYING home on her bike with tears brimming over her rims. In shaky, breathless terror she told me about some girls who were picking on little kids at the park. When she tried to intervene they turned their animosity on her. She stood her ground but she was petrified and could not escape quickly enough. As I was jumping in the car, my husband physically restrained me and pointed out he may be more rational to deal with the girls at that moment. The next day both of my children had trac phones and did not leave home without them. Never again would they find themselves in an uncomfortable situation and not have immediate access to us.
When my son joined baseball he was much older than the other kids that had been playing all of their lives. As we sat around the ballfield we listened to parents discussing the $350 bat they had just gotten their little 11 year old slugger or the custom-made $200 glove for their prize catcher they had gotten over the summer. I thought, these parents are crazy. These kids are young. How can a bat or glove improve their game? Well, when my son, who was MUCH smaller than every kid on his middle school team was having trouble getting a decent hit guess who started shopping for a $400 bat? His coach explained all of the reasons it would be helpful and off we went to find it. Of course, we have always found his on clearance for around $100 but we bought them. Darned if they didn't work too.
We do not have expectations. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I never dreamed my life would be less than idyllic. Now that it is can you imagine my dismay if I had said, "my husband and I will never go into debt" or "my husband and I will always have a passionate, loving relationship." I'm pretty sure I would have a much harder time with all of this if I had rules in place before life ever came at me.
Every so often we will be out with couples who have younger children just getting into the myriad of activities that kids test out in those early years. Inevitably, someone brings up little Johnny's parents who just bought the million dollar goalie equipment or little Mary's mom who is spending 100's of dollars on dance competitions when little Mary has two left feet. The table soars with the indignation and insanity of it. My husband and I just catch each other's eye and grin. We have learned that the lady that doth protests too much is usually the one shelling out the most money in a few years and offering the most excuses why in HER case it was absolutely necessary, not indulgent.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Who Is This Man?
My husband and I walked the dog yesterday and it was beautiful out. The sky was so blue with those perfect white cotton ball clouds and the sun was blinding. The air was cold but there was little wind so it was the perfect day for a longer walk than usual. I am pretty sure I dragged my jaw on the ground for most of it and I am SO hoping that somehow ups the calorie burn.
The things that came out of my husband's mouth were astounding. There was one other walk last year when he opened up and talked about his brother's death and the difference in him afterward. I KNEW all of the things he told me but to have him acknowledge them and take responsibility astounded me. Let it suffice to say he is normally the strong, silent type.
Yesterday's walk was all about me. He told me things that I had no idea he still felt about me. He told me how much he loved me. He told me how sweet and patient and kind I am. He told me every time he looks at me he cannot believe how beautiful I am. He told me he loves every inch of my body and that every time he touches it he wants to ravish me (YES! he said "ravish"). He said he loves my long hair and finds himself just staring at it all day. For at least two or three blocks the list went on and on.
He said he had one more thing that he told himself he was going to get done on his list that he has yet to take care of and he is doing it this week. He is making an appointment with a Dr. When I say to you this last month has been a whirl wind, I cannot say that emphatically enough. We got the home equity loan, we are in the process of changing insurance companies and switching our life insurance policies. Tons of little things have been accomplished. These are things that I have been "pestering" him about for years. I feel like such a nag when I have to ask or remind him to do things so I usually just let it go.
He told me that it is so unfair that I am never touched. He said that he cannot imagine why I haven't had an affair. I am the world's biggest overcommunicator. If I think it, he knows it. I have told him that our lack of intimacy has shattered my self esteem. I don't like to go out or be around people any more because I feel like a huge, ugly, conspicuous freak. The whole time I am thinking that everyone is looking at me and thinking how gross I am. I know that is pretty egocentric but when you go from a passionate, loving relationship to a high five at bedtime, it messes with your mind.
I have told him a million times if ever there was a woman who had reason and opportunity to cheat, I was her. I know and he knows I couldn't do it. I'm way too honest. I'd be the wife who says, "look, I got a new pool boy and he looks pretty edible so either we divorce or I will be cheating on you." I don't want a new man. I want my old man back.
There was a whole lot more said. I just listened and let him get it all out. Then I asked him why he couldn't tell me all this while we were having these conversations. This is the kind of information that would have been very helpful while I was going on and on and he was staring at me like the lights were on and nobody was home.
Then he said he hopes it's not too late. He hopes that we can start fresh now that so many of the details of our life are getting straight. He hopes that now we can work on our relationship. I told him I was one suitcase short of leaving him in my mind. This is all very nice but when you spend years building walls and insulating your heart preparing for your independence you don't just tear them down because your partner has decided to open up. Is it temporary? Will he be the guy I have grown to loathe once he is off disability and back to work?
I cannot stay if things don't change. I cannot keep giving and being patient and waiting. I may be waiting for things that will never be and I just don't know how much more time I am willing to invest. I don't want to look back on wasted years. Life is a gift and I try very hard to make the most of mine. I cannot keep making exceptions in my happiness waiting for everyone else to find theirs. But somewhere, in the deepest shadows of my mind, there was a little voice singing the Hallelujah and hoping like hell that THIS time he means every word he said.
The things that came out of my husband's mouth were astounding. There was one other walk last year when he opened up and talked about his brother's death and the difference in him afterward. I KNEW all of the things he told me but to have him acknowledge them and take responsibility astounded me. Let it suffice to say he is normally the strong, silent type.
Yesterday's walk was all about me. He told me things that I had no idea he still felt about me. He told me how much he loved me. He told me how sweet and patient and kind I am. He told me every time he looks at me he cannot believe how beautiful I am. He told me he loves every inch of my body and that every time he touches it he wants to ravish me (YES! he said "ravish"). He said he loves my long hair and finds himself just staring at it all day. For at least two or three blocks the list went on and on.
He said he had one more thing that he told himself he was going to get done on his list that he has yet to take care of and he is doing it this week. He is making an appointment with a Dr. When I say to you this last month has been a whirl wind, I cannot say that emphatically enough. We got the home equity loan, we are in the process of changing insurance companies and switching our life insurance policies. Tons of little things have been accomplished. These are things that I have been "pestering" him about for years. I feel like such a nag when I have to ask or remind him to do things so I usually just let it go.
He told me that it is so unfair that I am never touched. He said that he cannot imagine why I haven't had an affair. I am the world's biggest overcommunicator. If I think it, he knows it. I have told him that our lack of intimacy has shattered my self esteem. I don't like to go out or be around people any more because I feel like a huge, ugly, conspicuous freak. The whole time I am thinking that everyone is looking at me and thinking how gross I am. I know that is pretty egocentric but when you go from a passionate, loving relationship to a high five at bedtime, it messes with your mind.
I have told him a million times if ever there was a woman who had reason and opportunity to cheat, I was her. I know and he knows I couldn't do it. I'm way too honest. I'd be the wife who says, "look, I got a new pool boy and he looks pretty edible so either we divorce or I will be cheating on you." I don't want a new man. I want my old man back.
There was a whole lot more said. I just listened and let him get it all out. Then I asked him why he couldn't tell me all this while we were having these conversations. This is the kind of information that would have been very helpful while I was going on and on and he was staring at me like the lights were on and nobody was home.
Then he said he hopes it's not too late. He hopes that we can start fresh now that so many of the details of our life are getting straight. He hopes that now we can work on our relationship. I told him I was one suitcase short of leaving him in my mind. This is all very nice but when you spend years building walls and insulating your heart preparing for your independence you don't just tear them down because your partner has decided to open up. Is it temporary? Will he be the guy I have grown to loathe once he is off disability and back to work?
I cannot stay if things don't change. I cannot keep giving and being patient and waiting. I may be waiting for things that will never be and I just don't know how much more time I am willing to invest. I don't want to look back on wasted years. Life is a gift and I try very hard to make the most of mine. I cannot keep making exceptions in my happiness waiting for everyone else to find theirs. But somewhere, in the deepest shadows of my mind, there was a little voice singing the Hallelujah and hoping like hell that THIS time he means every word he said.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
When The Party's Over
We made it through my daughter's birthday party. In my mind, that has been my goal. Get through my son's birthday, the holidays and then her birthday. Once those events were over, I was going to focus on my life.
With my mom ill now and needing help I wasn't sure how much "focusing" I would be doing. That's life though, right? There is always going to be another holiday, another tragedy, another something. I use these excuses so I don't have to make decisions. I'm always going to deal with the big issues in my life "after" whatever.
It's time. I've been so distracted lately that I've again buried the self I was getting in touch with. I was really beginning to feel differently, more aware, more alive. This last week has been chaotic to say the least. I have again slipped and stopped thinking about myself and my goals. Once again I am numb but the difference is that I am aware.
I know life has gotten in the way for a minute but I also know that does not change the fact that I have some work to do. The birthday was my "D Day" and that hasn't changed. Time to regroup and plan. After all, my life isn't going to build itself.
With my mom ill now and needing help I wasn't sure how much "focusing" I would be doing. That's life though, right? There is always going to be another holiday, another tragedy, another something. I use these excuses so I don't have to make decisions. I'm always going to deal with the big issues in my life "after" whatever.
It's time. I've been so distracted lately that I've again buried the self I was getting in touch with. I was really beginning to feel differently, more aware, more alive. This last week has been chaotic to say the least. I have again slipped and stopped thinking about myself and my goals. Once again I am numb but the difference is that I am aware.
I know life has gotten in the way for a minute but I also know that does not change the fact that I have some work to do. The birthday was my "D Day" and that hasn't changed. Time to regroup and plan. After all, my life isn't going to build itself.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Oh, Sweet Sleep, How I Miss Thee
I don't sleep. Well, let me clarify. When I actually fall asleep, I sleep like the dead. I mean the house could burn down around me and I would not hear a thing. I've always wondered at those "sound" sleepers because I've been the girl who hears one little thing and is wide awake. The last few nights I totally understand this concept.
I go to bed completely exhausted. I lie down, snuggle in and it begins. Get the dry rub together for the ham, gather the ingredients for the mac and cheese so that can go right into the crock pot, go buy paint, find old sheets to use as drop cloths, call the senior housing, find assisted living facilities online in CT, research how to change Freedom Health insurance to one in CT, contact an elder attorney for assistance, call a social worker at the hospital to find out what I'm forgetting, walk the dog early because tomorrow is busy...and the list goes on and on and on.
I cannot shut it off. I do relaxation techniques. I do breathing exercises. Sometimes I get out of bed and actually do yoga poses that settle you down for sleep. Then I wander. I get out of bed and walk around the house. I feed the cats. I let the dog out. I go try the couch and I think.
At some point during all of this craziness I fall asleep for a couple of hours. This is when I find out about that deep, deep sleep that so many are so fortunate to experience. My husband has even told me I've begun to snore during this deep sleep but I refuse to believe him. A lady would never snore. Then I am up and the second I am, the thinking begins again.
My daughter's birthday party is today. Once I get through today, I can check several things off of my mental list. I can then focus on checking off things for her bedroom tomorrow. Monday can be things for my mom. I know that the list will shrink. This is not the first nor will it be the last time I will be overwhelmed with my "to do" list. I also know somewhere down the line, I will be wishing and looking for things to do. However, with exhaustion seeping into every pore in my being, that day cannot come soon enough.
I go to bed completely exhausted. I lie down, snuggle in and it begins. Get the dry rub together for the ham, gather the ingredients for the mac and cheese so that can go right into the crock pot, go buy paint, find old sheets to use as drop cloths, call the senior housing, find assisted living facilities online in CT, research how to change Freedom Health insurance to one in CT, contact an elder attorney for assistance, call a social worker at the hospital to find out what I'm forgetting, walk the dog early because tomorrow is busy...and the list goes on and on and on.
I cannot shut it off. I do relaxation techniques. I do breathing exercises. Sometimes I get out of bed and actually do yoga poses that settle you down for sleep. Then I wander. I get out of bed and walk around the house. I feed the cats. I let the dog out. I go try the couch and I think.
At some point during all of this craziness I fall asleep for a couple of hours. This is when I find out about that deep, deep sleep that so many are so fortunate to experience. My husband has even told me I've begun to snore during this deep sleep but I refuse to believe him. A lady would never snore. Then I am up and the second I am, the thinking begins again.
My daughter's birthday party is today. Once I get through today, I can check several things off of my mental list. I can then focus on checking off things for her bedroom tomorrow. Monday can be things for my mom. I know that the list will shrink. This is not the first nor will it be the last time I will be overwhelmed with my "to do" list. I also know somewhere down the line, I will be wishing and looking for things to do. However, with exhaustion seeping into every pore in my being, that day cannot come soon enough.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Worth Every Penny
I love being a stay at home mom and wife. I also love having a job. I love the independence I gain. I love dressing up and having a purpose other than getting the bathroom fixtures as shiny as possible. I love the intellectual challenges a job presents and the social aspect. I have alot of fun when I work.
This last time I went back to work I thought I had finally found the perfect balance. I worked part-time, the kids were old enough to be almost independent. My husband had to drive them to classes and practices and prepare dinner a few times a week. Simple, right? As it turns out, no.
He was overwhelmed to the point that he was almost completely manic. He would literally vibrate with stress. He was dropping my daughter off for dance classes almost a full half hour early to make sure she would never be late. Almost every meal was now fast food because of the time constraints. I'm not sure what that meant as I had the same schedule and was able to make dinner and have everyone eat it. He gets out of work at 3 p.m., plenty of time to whip up a quick meal.
Almost every night when I got out of work at 9 p.m. I would come home and have to listen to everyone's complaints. It usually started with a text or a voicemail and I knew the minute I walked in the door I would have to hear the rest of the drama in full excruciating detail. I would be euphoric from a great night at work and feel the energy draining out of me on the drive home anticipating the negativity I would be encountering. My communication with everyone became reduced to me playing mediator to everyone's petty problems. There was no more "talking," just disagreements.
I quit my job to repair my family. I wasn't really giving up any viable income. The pittance I made didn't make or break our budget but I was giving up something I loved, again. The kids were thrilled. My husband was relieved. He never told me to quit and did not influence me one way or the other but he was happy to have things back to "normal." I was angry and sad. I was so mad that this family cannot function without me. They are so dependent on me to keep the machine running that I will never have a life separate from this role. It felt like a burden.
Yesterday was a really busy day. I took my daughter driving in the morning. My husband surprised us and brought home lunch. I told the kids they could eat in the living room while watching tv. They asked if we could eat at the table. I helped my daughter study for her regent's exam and put a shine treatment on her hair. My son came home from baseball workouts and talked and talked and talked. If you know my son, you know this is rare. Dinner came around and we just had soup after the take out lunch. Again, I told the kids they could eat it wherever. Again, they asked if we could eat together at the table.
I have asked myself a thousand times why I didn't just insist on going back to work full-time when I sensed our financial problems. I have blamed myself for not taking the initiative and just doing it. After all, the majority of families now have dual-incomes and they all survive. They all figure out how to work it out and I'm confident my family would have done the same. Yes, it would have been challenging and yes, it would have been different but I should have just done it to help with our income and worried about everyones' feelings later.
Yesterday it was so clear. I had such a sense of peace. I have not sacrificed a thing. I have not hurt my family because I didn't go back to work. Has it been a struggle? Absolutely. Do I feel badly when I see other kids getting things we can't get our kids? You betcha. You know what? I have made the greatest investment of all. I have amazing kids. They are 16 and 17 and have never once disappointed me. I know everyone thinks that I'm exaggerating but if I am willing to be so honest about every other messed up aspect of my life I certainly wouldn't hesitate to put it out there if my kids were less than perfect.
We go to their grandparents' house several times a week. They never even bat an eyelash. We have family dinners and they look forward to them. When I tell them to do something or not to do it, they don't argue or whine. We have discussions and if we disagree, they make their points and I do the same. I can't remember a time we were not able to come to a compromise that worked for both parties. They have friends and do things with them but they understand that family comes first.
I have done this. My constant presence in their lives has been the foundation for this family. My sacrifices have not been in vain. It is so easy to pity myself for the time lost and the things I've wanted and not had. It is so easy to look back on all of the years as "wasted." As I sat around that table last night, at my childrens' insistence, I realized yet another positive that has come from the mistakes we have made in our lives. Sometimes it is only through the hard times that we can truly see what matters.
This last time I went back to work I thought I had finally found the perfect balance. I worked part-time, the kids were old enough to be almost independent. My husband had to drive them to classes and practices and prepare dinner a few times a week. Simple, right? As it turns out, no.
He was overwhelmed to the point that he was almost completely manic. He would literally vibrate with stress. He was dropping my daughter off for dance classes almost a full half hour early to make sure she would never be late. Almost every meal was now fast food because of the time constraints. I'm not sure what that meant as I had the same schedule and was able to make dinner and have everyone eat it. He gets out of work at 3 p.m., plenty of time to whip up a quick meal.
Almost every night when I got out of work at 9 p.m. I would come home and have to listen to everyone's complaints. It usually started with a text or a voicemail and I knew the minute I walked in the door I would have to hear the rest of the drama in full excruciating detail. I would be euphoric from a great night at work and feel the energy draining out of me on the drive home anticipating the negativity I would be encountering. My communication with everyone became reduced to me playing mediator to everyone's petty problems. There was no more "talking," just disagreements.
I quit my job to repair my family. I wasn't really giving up any viable income. The pittance I made didn't make or break our budget but I was giving up something I loved, again. The kids were thrilled. My husband was relieved. He never told me to quit and did not influence me one way or the other but he was happy to have things back to "normal." I was angry and sad. I was so mad that this family cannot function without me. They are so dependent on me to keep the machine running that I will never have a life separate from this role. It felt like a burden.
Yesterday was a really busy day. I took my daughter driving in the morning. My husband surprised us and brought home lunch. I told the kids they could eat in the living room while watching tv. They asked if we could eat at the table. I helped my daughter study for her regent's exam and put a shine treatment on her hair. My son came home from baseball workouts and talked and talked and talked. If you know my son, you know this is rare. Dinner came around and we just had soup after the take out lunch. Again, I told the kids they could eat it wherever. Again, they asked if we could eat together at the table.
I have asked myself a thousand times why I didn't just insist on going back to work full-time when I sensed our financial problems. I have blamed myself for not taking the initiative and just doing it. After all, the majority of families now have dual-incomes and they all survive. They all figure out how to work it out and I'm confident my family would have done the same. Yes, it would have been challenging and yes, it would have been different but I should have just done it to help with our income and worried about everyones' feelings later.
Yesterday it was so clear. I had such a sense of peace. I have not sacrificed a thing. I have not hurt my family because I didn't go back to work. Has it been a struggle? Absolutely. Do I feel badly when I see other kids getting things we can't get our kids? You betcha. You know what? I have made the greatest investment of all. I have amazing kids. They are 16 and 17 and have never once disappointed me. I know everyone thinks that I'm exaggerating but if I am willing to be so honest about every other messed up aspect of my life I certainly wouldn't hesitate to put it out there if my kids were less than perfect.
We go to their grandparents' house several times a week. They never even bat an eyelash. We have family dinners and they look forward to them. When I tell them to do something or not to do it, they don't argue or whine. We have discussions and if we disagree, they make their points and I do the same. I can't remember a time we were not able to come to a compromise that worked for both parties. They have friends and do things with them but they understand that family comes first.
I have done this. My constant presence in their lives has been the foundation for this family. My sacrifices have not been in vain. It is so easy to pity myself for the time lost and the things I've wanted and not had. It is so easy to look back on all of the years as "wasted." As I sat around that table last night, at my childrens' insistence, I realized yet another positive that has come from the mistakes we have made in our lives. Sometimes it is only through the hard times that we can truly see what matters.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Gratitude Is My New Attitude
I always try to take away something positive from every experience in my life. I think, for me, it's yet another coping mechanism. If I only focused on the negative aspects of the less than stellar situations in my life, I'd be a complete lunatic by now. As it stands, I am only borderline.
Let's face it, life is not perfect. Every day holds disappointments and "surprises" that we all wish never happened but we ultimately have no control over these occurences. I know people who constantly moan and complain about EVERYTHING. How the heck do they get out of bed every day? If I KNEW, beyond doubt, that every single day was going to be filled with nothing but drama and trauma and I was going to be angry and disappointed about every curve ball thrown my way, I'm not sure how much motivation I would have to greet each new day.
We all know these people. They never feel well. Every little sniffle is a monumental illness. Every person they encounter is rude, unhelpful, or abrasive. It's funny, I've been to a ton of stores and I always find the people in them very pleasant. Of course I am always friendly with them. I believe when you are very nice to others they have no choice but to reciprocate. If you approach someone like an ogre I guess you are going to get a little bit of that back. They end up finding fault with their friends eventually too. That one I can never figure out. I don't have perfect friends. Who would want them? I would feel such pressure to appear perfect next to them, NOT my style. I like that my friends are a little quirky, it keeps things interesting. We all make mistakes. We all need support when we are not making the best decisions. Many times we see our friends doing things that we would not necessarily do but we don't drop them. If they ask our opinion, we give it and hope that whatever decision they make it works for them.
Happiness is a choice. Every day I choose it. Sometimes I feel as though the entire universe is conspiring against me but that does not deter me from my goal. I think we all want peaceful, harmonious lives. I'm pretty sure we don't wake up and say, "wow, I really hope everything is a hot mess today and I'm completely stressed out and miserable ALLLL day!!" I know I don't. When a bump in the road comes up I navigate around it or run it over but I do not let it change me intrinsically.
We have so much power over the lives we want and we don't even know it. I used to feel like my life was just what it was. I felt like the decisions I made in my mid-twenties were what I was stuck with forever. I was wrong. My life can be anything I want. I can be anything I want. The only limits on me are the ones that I place. I think you need age to gain this wisdom. I think you need to go through these tough times in order to understand that you can get through them and prevail. I can only imagine what I will believe myself capable of when I get 20 more years under my belt. Skydiving at 65, anyone?
Let's face it, life is not perfect. Every day holds disappointments and "surprises" that we all wish never happened but we ultimately have no control over these occurences. I know people who constantly moan and complain about EVERYTHING. How the heck do they get out of bed every day? If I KNEW, beyond doubt, that every single day was going to be filled with nothing but drama and trauma and I was going to be angry and disappointed about every curve ball thrown my way, I'm not sure how much motivation I would have to greet each new day.
We all know these people. They never feel well. Every little sniffle is a monumental illness. Every person they encounter is rude, unhelpful, or abrasive. It's funny, I've been to a ton of stores and I always find the people in them very pleasant. Of course I am always friendly with them. I believe when you are very nice to others they have no choice but to reciprocate. If you approach someone like an ogre I guess you are going to get a little bit of that back. They end up finding fault with their friends eventually too. That one I can never figure out. I don't have perfect friends. Who would want them? I would feel such pressure to appear perfect next to them, NOT my style. I like that my friends are a little quirky, it keeps things interesting. We all make mistakes. We all need support when we are not making the best decisions. Many times we see our friends doing things that we would not necessarily do but we don't drop them. If they ask our opinion, we give it and hope that whatever decision they make it works for them.
Happiness is a choice. Every day I choose it. Sometimes I feel as though the entire universe is conspiring against me but that does not deter me from my goal. I think we all want peaceful, harmonious lives. I'm pretty sure we don't wake up and say, "wow, I really hope everything is a hot mess today and I'm completely stressed out and miserable ALLLL day!!" I know I don't. When a bump in the road comes up I navigate around it or run it over but I do not let it change me intrinsically.
We have so much power over the lives we want and we don't even know it. I used to feel like my life was just what it was. I felt like the decisions I made in my mid-twenties were what I was stuck with forever. I was wrong. My life can be anything I want. I can be anything I want. The only limits on me are the ones that I place. I think you need age to gain this wisdom. I think you need to go through these tough times in order to understand that you can get through them and prevail. I can only imagine what I will believe myself capable of when I get 20 more years under my belt. Skydiving at 65, anyone?
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I'm Leaving On A Jetplane
Well, my mom called last night. She's worse, if that is possible. She admitted she cannot cope any more. She had two messages on her machine from someone saying it was very important she call them back "today." She could not understand the message in order to catch the number. She also could not tell me who the message was from or what it was regarding. She just cannot process information any longer.
The last time I spoke with her was Sunday. I called to offer the olive branch so that our rift could be healed and her pride would not keep her from calling if she needed me. She can hold a grudge forever and has. I refused to give any opinions or guidance. I knew she would not be receptive. In her mind, I was conspiring behind her back with her neighbor and trying to share her personal business with someone in her community. That was all she spoke about, over and over and over. She could not see that what I did came from a place of concern and fear. She will never see that. My mother is always right, in her own mind. She made it very clear that I was wrong and she will be handling this.
She also mentioned my brother was going to fly down to stay with her for a while. I thought that was a great idea. He hasn't got a job, a wife nor any kids so he has absolutely no reason not to go. I asked her about that and she said that him being there would confuse her more and make her more nervous. He doesn't understand all of this "stuff" and he's not educated in it so he won't be able to do it. I'm not sure when I got my education in elder care but I seem to have forgotten the whole curriculum. She doesn't think her 52 year old son can handle the basic responsiblities of life. I'm not sure what that says about him, or her. Since she has been supporting him on and off for more years than I can remember, I may know where this opinion is coming from. I thought he should go down and work off some of his debt to her but of course, as my mother said, what I think is irrelevant.
I told her I am happy to help and I am. I also told her that if she wants that help it has to come from me without arguing and challenge. I'm not going down there to play and go to lunch. If she cannot handle paying her bills they will come here and I will pay them. I will make the decisions and she has to be willing to give up that control she is so in love with. I would never do anything to her detriment. She is going to have to put her faith in me and trust me. I don't think my mom has ever put her faith completely in another person and just trusted that they would take care of her. She is fiercely independent and set in her ways. This is going to be challenging at best.
I am so overwhelmed. For a minute yesterday I was able to breathe. I assumed my brother was going down and that was why I hadn't heard from anyone. I thought I was going to be able to focus on my daughter's 16th birthday and really enjoy it and make it all about her. I was finally relieved. Now I am right back to juggling. When this part of my life is over, I am considering joining a circus because I have become a master juggler these past few years.
I am making lists and then lists upon those lists. I have no idea what I am up against because I've never had to do this. I know I will figure it all out. It's funny, so many of my siblings keep saying, "well I wouldn't know what to do." I have no idea what to do but I don't have anyone to pass the buck to so I guess I will be figuring it out rather quickly. Isn't that life though? We have to do everything once right? I'm pretty sure I never knew "what to do" before I actually did it.
I told my husband I want to fly out within the next couple of weeks. I just want to get through the birthday party and then fly out as soon as possible. His response, "We won't have the money by then." I really have been thinking about it and I don't think I have ever said a word to this man that he doesn't add one more obstacle to my problem or some more negativity. You can bet I let him know it too. When he has a problem every word that comes out of my mouth is to help him solve it or to lift him up. If he was telling me about something that was wrong it would never occur to me to throw out one more problem he didn't think of yet. I may think it but common sense tells me that is not the time to point out another hurdle. I shared this with him. Of course, then he said we could borrow the money from his parents and then pay them back when our income tax money comes. He had already shared this little tidbit with me when this all went down so that is why I assumed flying out was not going to be a problem. If he already knew that why wasn't that what he said as opposed to something negative?
Then he told me he supports me and always helps me. I told him, that yes, I can see that. He supports me much in the way he loves me, with words. Words filled with emptiness. Words with no action behind them. Words that come after words that have slashed and cut and hurt. Words that I no longer have faith in and am not sure I want to hear anymore. I'm sorry is empty if you keep repeating the offending behavior over and over. I love you is empty if you can never know what I need and just give it to me without a script. I support you is empty when I have to argue with you to get help. Life is empty when it is filled with nothing but meaningless words.
The last time I spoke with her was Sunday. I called to offer the olive branch so that our rift could be healed and her pride would not keep her from calling if she needed me. She can hold a grudge forever and has. I refused to give any opinions or guidance. I knew she would not be receptive. In her mind, I was conspiring behind her back with her neighbor and trying to share her personal business with someone in her community. That was all she spoke about, over and over and over. She could not see that what I did came from a place of concern and fear. She will never see that. My mother is always right, in her own mind. She made it very clear that I was wrong and she will be handling this.
She also mentioned my brother was going to fly down to stay with her for a while. I thought that was a great idea. He hasn't got a job, a wife nor any kids so he has absolutely no reason not to go. I asked her about that and she said that him being there would confuse her more and make her more nervous. He doesn't understand all of this "stuff" and he's not educated in it so he won't be able to do it. I'm not sure when I got my education in elder care but I seem to have forgotten the whole curriculum. She doesn't think her 52 year old son can handle the basic responsiblities of life. I'm not sure what that says about him, or her. Since she has been supporting him on and off for more years than I can remember, I may know where this opinion is coming from. I thought he should go down and work off some of his debt to her but of course, as my mother said, what I think is irrelevant.
I told her I am happy to help and I am. I also told her that if she wants that help it has to come from me without arguing and challenge. I'm not going down there to play and go to lunch. If she cannot handle paying her bills they will come here and I will pay them. I will make the decisions and she has to be willing to give up that control she is so in love with. I would never do anything to her detriment. She is going to have to put her faith in me and trust me. I don't think my mom has ever put her faith completely in another person and just trusted that they would take care of her. She is fiercely independent and set in her ways. This is going to be challenging at best.
I am so overwhelmed. For a minute yesterday I was able to breathe. I assumed my brother was going down and that was why I hadn't heard from anyone. I thought I was going to be able to focus on my daughter's 16th birthday and really enjoy it and make it all about her. I was finally relieved. Now I am right back to juggling. When this part of my life is over, I am considering joining a circus because I have become a master juggler these past few years.
I am making lists and then lists upon those lists. I have no idea what I am up against because I've never had to do this. I know I will figure it all out. It's funny, so many of my siblings keep saying, "well I wouldn't know what to do." I have no idea what to do but I don't have anyone to pass the buck to so I guess I will be figuring it out rather quickly. Isn't that life though? We have to do everything once right? I'm pretty sure I never knew "what to do" before I actually did it.
I told my husband I want to fly out within the next couple of weeks. I just want to get through the birthday party and then fly out as soon as possible. His response, "We won't have the money by then." I really have been thinking about it and I don't think I have ever said a word to this man that he doesn't add one more obstacle to my problem or some more negativity. You can bet I let him know it too. When he has a problem every word that comes out of my mouth is to help him solve it or to lift him up. If he was telling me about something that was wrong it would never occur to me to throw out one more problem he didn't think of yet. I may think it but common sense tells me that is not the time to point out another hurdle. I shared this with him. Of course, then he said we could borrow the money from his parents and then pay them back when our income tax money comes. He had already shared this little tidbit with me when this all went down so that is why I assumed flying out was not going to be a problem. If he already knew that why wasn't that what he said as opposed to something negative?
Then he told me he supports me and always helps me. I told him, that yes, I can see that. He supports me much in the way he loves me, with words. Words filled with emptiness. Words with no action behind them. Words that come after words that have slashed and cut and hurt. Words that I no longer have faith in and am not sure I want to hear anymore. I'm sorry is empty if you keep repeating the offending behavior over and over. I love you is empty if you can never know what I need and just give it to me without a script. I support you is empty when I have to argue with you to get help. Life is empty when it is filled with nothing but meaningless words.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Approved!
Does anyone else see endless blue, sunny skies and hear the birds singing? Today, that is all I'm seeing and hearing despite the actual grey dreary day outside my window because we have been approved for a home equity loan!! Cue the insane euphoria!
We got the amount requested and this nightmare we have been calling life will be over. I will sit right there while the checks are written. We actually will have a little leftover and I believe we should pay off smaller bills with that that we did not factor into our actual "debt." We haven't decided but I will say this, whatever is done with it WILL BE partially my decision. I will not back down. I will not agree with plans that I know are not a good idea just to be peaceful. I will be a wretched shrew if that is what it takes to make sure this money is used to maximum advantage.
Now that the terror has passed, I can honestly say, I am happy we've had this experience. Of course that is easy to say now that I have a way out within my reach. I have learned so much because of this. I have learned so much about who I am and what I really want. I have learned that I don't have to settle and sometimes in an attempt to keep the peace you create more animosity and upheaval than you can dream. I've also learned that your true feelings will eventually find a way out. I don't care how hard you try to tell yourself that everything is ok and that your problems don't matter, eventually you have to deal with your issues. Repression only works so long and when everything comes to a head it is significantly more intense than if you had dealt with the problems when they were beginning.
I have learned that marriage is hard. I have also learned that I am not a woman who walks away from it when the going gets tough. I think this surprises me most of all. I was the type of girl who left relationships simply when they bored me. I certainly wouldn't have stuck around if we had had any real problems. I am of the mindset that my next true love is around every corner. I am not hard to please and have no doubt that I could find another true love. It makes it easy to move on when you are confident you will find happiness again. I think if you are happy inside and send out positive energy the universe has no choice but to reciprocate. I would have good things come to me again.
I don't know what this means for my marriage. I always dreamed that once the financial issues were over I would look at my husband and feel exactly how I did before this mess. I am not finding that to be the case. I am VERY surprised by that. I had actually visualized us fixing this and then just being happy and intimate and passionately in love again. We are not. I am not. There has been a shift. Somewhere along the line my feelings have changed. Maybe I am hurt and need some time to heal. Maybe I am relieved and still processing that and cannot take on any other emotions at this point. Maybe I'm hesitant to open myself up and lay all of my emotions on the line to have them ignored and stomped on. Or maybe I've changed. Maybe I've grown and this is no longer what I want for myself. I don't know anything for certain right now but I do know I am no longer that impulsive, free-spirited girl who will make a rash decision without weighing the consequences of it for endless, excruciating hours.
We got the amount requested and this nightmare we have been calling life will be over. I will sit right there while the checks are written. We actually will have a little leftover and I believe we should pay off smaller bills with that that we did not factor into our actual "debt." We haven't decided but I will say this, whatever is done with it WILL BE partially my decision. I will not back down. I will not agree with plans that I know are not a good idea just to be peaceful. I will be a wretched shrew if that is what it takes to make sure this money is used to maximum advantage.
Now that the terror has passed, I can honestly say, I am happy we've had this experience. Of course that is easy to say now that I have a way out within my reach. I have learned so much because of this. I have learned so much about who I am and what I really want. I have learned that I don't have to settle and sometimes in an attempt to keep the peace you create more animosity and upheaval than you can dream. I've also learned that your true feelings will eventually find a way out. I don't care how hard you try to tell yourself that everything is ok and that your problems don't matter, eventually you have to deal with your issues. Repression only works so long and when everything comes to a head it is significantly more intense than if you had dealt with the problems when they were beginning.
I have learned that marriage is hard. I have also learned that I am not a woman who walks away from it when the going gets tough. I think this surprises me most of all. I was the type of girl who left relationships simply when they bored me. I certainly wouldn't have stuck around if we had had any real problems. I am of the mindset that my next true love is around every corner. I am not hard to please and have no doubt that I could find another true love. It makes it easy to move on when you are confident you will find happiness again. I think if you are happy inside and send out positive energy the universe has no choice but to reciprocate. I would have good things come to me again.
I don't know what this means for my marriage. I always dreamed that once the financial issues were over I would look at my husband and feel exactly how I did before this mess. I am not finding that to be the case. I am VERY surprised by that. I had actually visualized us fixing this and then just being happy and intimate and passionately in love again. We are not. I am not. There has been a shift. Somewhere along the line my feelings have changed. Maybe I am hurt and need some time to heal. Maybe I am relieved and still processing that and cannot take on any other emotions at this point. Maybe I'm hesitant to open myself up and lay all of my emotions on the line to have them ignored and stomped on. Or maybe I've changed. Maybe I've grown and this is no longer what I want for myself. I don't know anything for certain right now but I do know I am no longer that impulsive, free-spirited girl who will make a rash decision without weighing the consequences of it for endless, excruciating hours.
Monday, January 23, 2012
All Cried Out
I am an emotional trainwreck. The slightest little provocation cues the water works and I'm a blubbering, blotchy mess. I am disgusted and done.
I have no idea who this woman is. I have no idea when I decided the best way to deal with my problems was to cry over them rather than try to fix them. The only answer I can come up with is that I have lived in this middle land for so long that I was numb. I woke up, repressed my anger, repressed my sadness, thought about how angry and sad I was all day, got through the day, lather, rinse, repeat. Letting myself verbalize through writing what is really going on in my life is taking it's toll. Like I said when I started this journey, when I gave voice to the chorus it was going to get real and there is no more denying. No more pushing things aside until a more convenient time.
My daughter's 16th birthday is this week. I always envisioned an amazing party. There is nothing I like better than putting together a party. I love everything about it. I wanted a theme and a teen menu. I wanted to prepare all of the food myself because I love to cook and entertain. I knew the venue I wanted and envisioned her dress and the decorations. None of that is happening. She will be home like every other birthday with the same people who come to all of our family get-togethers. It's our fault. We were financially irresponsible and now we are paying the price for it. It is what it is but it doesn't make it less disappointing.
I'm redoing her room instead. It's going to be fairly inexpensive to do. I will be repurposing alot of things from our home and she had been hinting around that she had outgrown the theme of her room. She's very excited and we've been on pinterest making a board of all of the things she would love to have and then browsing the web to find similar looks for less money. We're having alot of fun with it and I think she will be happy. That makes it easier.
I need to get through this week. Way back when, this birthday was my goal. I needed to get through every major event before I decide, once and for all, what I'm doing. Maybe that's why the emotions are simmering so close to the surface and bubbling over so much more than they ever have before. Our subconscious is a powerful entity. It knows what we are thinking even when we don't allow ourselves to formally acknowlege those thoughts. Our minds will deal with issues whether we decide we would like to or not.
I have no idea who this woman is. I have no idea when I decided the best way to deal with my problems was to cry over them rather than try to fix them. The only answer I can come up with is that I have lived in this middle land for so long that I was numb. I woke up, repressed my anger, repressed my sadness, thought about how angry and sad I was all day, got through the day, lather, rinse, repeat. Letting myself verbalize through writing what is really going on in my life is taking it's toll. Like I said when I started this journey, when I gave voice to the chorus it was going to get real and there is no more denying. No more pushing things aside until a more convenient time.
My daughter's 16th birthday is this week. I always envisioned an amazing party. There is nothing I like better than putting together a party. I love everything about it. I wanted a theme and a teen menu. I wanted to prepare all of the food myself because I love to cook and entertain. I knew the venue I wanted and envisioned her dress and the decorations. None of that is happening. She will be home like every other birthday with the same people who come to all of our family get-togethers. It's our fault. We were financially irresponsible and now we are paying the price for it. It is what it is but it doesn't make it less disappointing.
I'm redoing her room instead. It's going to be fairly inexpensive to do. I will be repurposing alot of things from our home and she had been hinting around that she had outgrown the theme of her room. She's very excited and we've been on pinterest making a board of all of the things she would love to have and then browsing the web to find similar looks for less money. We're having alot of fun with it and I think she will be happy. That makes it easier.
I need to get through this week. Way back when, this birthday was my goal. I needed to get through every major event before I decide, once and for all, what I'm doing. Maybe that's why the emotions are simmering so close to the surface and bubbling over so much more than they ever have before. Our subconscious is a powerful entity. It knows what we are thinking even when we don't allow ourselves to formally acknowlege those thoughts. Our minds will deal with issues whether we decide we would like to or not.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
My mom is the most stubborn person I have ever met, ever. I don't know if it's a generational thing or just her but she absolutely refuses to admit she may be at a point where she really needs to reach out and ask for help. Even though she has fallen again, once again off of a chair, and her blood sugar is ranging from 500+ to 40 (the reason she fell out of her chair), she still thinks she is independent.
She finally scheduled a Dr.'s appointment to find out what is going on. I called several of her neighbors to coordinate a ride. Obviously, she cannot drive right now. She is not the best driver when she is healthy. I tell her all of the time she is like Mr. Magoo; she drives straight, glasses on, hunched over the steering wheel and meanwhile all matter of mayhem is taking place in the path she is leaving behind. Her operating any motor vehicle right now could be disastrous.
I asked her if her neighbor could come into the Dr.'s office with her. I did not expect her to be in there for the exam but for the part where the Dr. sums things up and makes recommendations. She exploded. She informed me she does not disrobe in front of people. I tried to explain that wasn't what I wanted. She talked over me. She told me her neighbor would have her business all over the community and that she is a very private person, blah, blah, blah. Then she said she would call me and tell me everything the Dr. told her. Well, I lost my temper and raised my voice. I told her she hadn't been able to give me any information for three days. Of course, she did not understand that I meant ANY, she kept saying she hadn't been to the Dr. yet so of course she couldn't tell me anything.
When I said that, I meant she could not finish a thought, she could not tell me if she had eaten, taken her medication, who she had spoken to on the phone, and the list goes on and on. I was so frustrated. I told her I couldn't help her and make plans if I didn't have the information I needed. She informed me, "if Amy (my bestie) was sick, you would already be in CT." I was mad. I am not still in NY because I don't want to be with my mom. I am here for a myriad of reasons but honestly that is not even in the running. I informed her that I can't just fly down there at will. I have a family that I need to make arrangements for. I have to find the money to get down there. She thinks I can just fly down to play with her because I will it. Unfortunately, my life doesn't work like that.
She accused me of conspiring with her neighbors behind her back. I was so hurt. I have been on the phone for HOURS, for days, with her and her neighbors trying to make arrangements so she doesn't have to worry about it. I got everything set so she can just walk out the door and now I've done something wrong? She told me she was sorry she "burdened" me with her problems and that I was acting like she had been "bothering" me for a week instead of just a few days. I don't think she had a clue she was calling me every hour and a half and just talking in circles. I was missing meals with my family, putting off chores, pacing laps around my house with the phone to my ear to listen to her rambling just to give her an outlet, just to let her know she is not alone.
I called some sisters. I told them I was resigning. I don't know when I became my mom's keeper but I quit. One didn't answer her phone. One's immediate response, "NOT ME!!!" Another's response, "You know what to do in these situations. You can deal with her." Really? I have no clue what I am doing. I want to call up and baby her and coo to her and agree with everything that comes out of her mouth. I want to yes her to death and not even pay one wit of attention to her endless prattling. I want to be the one who "cares so much about her" (yes, she says this). They care so much that the first thing they say is they have no room for her. The second is that there is no way they could live with her. The third is that I am better at dealing with her. So, I get to be the witch who can "deal." I stopped my mom from giving thousands of dollars to a scam artist and ruining her credit because they were afraid she would get mad at them if they disagreed with her? I guess I was willing to take my chances.
I have one sister who I know would help me. Unfortunately, she sat for three months and watched her daughter pass away in October. She gets an exempt card. I think watching one's loved one pass away is more than enough in a lifetime. She's the only other one who stands up to my mom when she sees her making a mistake and is willing to deal with her wrath. She is just not strong enough right now and I understand that. That is a legitimate reason to have to back off. Not wanting to "make mom mad" is not.
One sister informed me that I should call my mom because if something happens I will feel badly. I informed her that I absolutely will NOT. I flew to Florida and helped my dad pass away when my mom wasn't able. I organized every detail of his death and funeral. I helped my mom through a major surgery when everyone else had too many things to do. I have helped her with more things than I can count. My conscience is clear. I will call my mom to chit chat. I'll call and talk about irrelevant things and ohhh and ahhh over her. I will NOT try to help her. She is going to have to ask, sincerely ask, for my help. She is going to have to agree to give up the control and understand that any decisions I make will be with her best interest in mind. She is going to have to understand she doesn't have all of the answers right now and trust me.
Maybe one of my siblings who care so much for her and love her so much can fly down there and take care of her and this mess. Maybe one of the ones who she has been supporting for years can begin to payback one iota of what they owe her. Or maybe I'll grow wings and be able to fly down like the snowbirds who travel south every winter. I see a better chance of that happening.
She finally scheduled a Dr.'s appointment to find out what is going on. I called several of her neighbors to coordinate a ride. Obviously, she cannot drive right now. She is not the best driver when she is healthy. I tell her all of the time she is like Mr. Magoo; she drives straight, glasses on, hunched over the steering wheel and meanwhile all matter of mayhem is taking place in the path she is leaving behind. Her operating any motor vehicle right now could be disastrous.
I asked her if her neighbor could come into the Dr.'s office with her. I did not expect her to be in there for the exam but for the part where the Dr. sums things up and makes recommendations. She exploded. She informed me she does not disrobe in front of people. I tried to explain that wasn't what I wanted. She talked over me. She told me her neighbor would have her business all over the community and that she is a very private person, blah, blah, blah. Then she said she would call me and tell me everything the Dr. told her. Well, I lost my temper and raised my voice. I told her she hadn't been able to give me any information for three days. Of course, she did not understand that I meant ANY, she kept saying she hadn't been to the Dr. yet so of course she couldn't tell me anything.
When I said that, I meant she could not finish a thought, she could not tell me if she had eaten, taken her medication, who she had spoken to on the phone, and the list goes on and on. I was so frustrated. I told her I couldn't help her and make plans if I didn't have the information I needed. She informed me, "if Amy (my bestie) was sick, you would already be in CT." I was mad. I am not still in NY because I don't want to be with my mom. I am here for a myriad of reasons but honestly that is not even in the running. I informed her that I can't just fly down there at will. I have a family that I need to make arrangements for. I have to find the money to get down there. She thinks I can just fly down to play with her because I will it. Unfortunately, my life doesn't work like that.
She accused me of conspiring with her neighbors behind her back. I was so hurt. I have been on the phone for HOURS, for days, with her and her neighbors trying to make arrangements so she doesn't have to worry about it. I got everything set so she can just walk out the door and now I've done something wrong? She told me she was sorry she "burdened" me with her problems and that I was acting like she had been "bothering" me for a week instead of just a few days. I don't think she had a clue she was calling me every hour and a half and just talking in circles. I was missing meals with my family, putting off chores, pacing laps around my house with the phone to my ear to listen to her rambling just to give her an outlet, just to let her know she is not alone.
I called some sisters. I told them I was resigning. I don't know when I became my mom's keeper but I quit. One didn't answer her phone. One's immediate response, "NOT ME!!!" Another's response, "You know what to do in these situations. You can deal with her." Really? I have no clue what I am doing. I want to call up and baby her and coo to her and agree with everything that comes out of her mouth. I want to yes her to death and not even pay one wit of attention to her endless prattling. I want to be the one who "cares so much about her" (yes, she says this). They care so much that the first thing they say is they have no room for her. The second is that there is no way they could live with her. The third is that I am better at dealing with her. So, I get to be the witch who can "deal." I stopped my mom from giving thousands of dollars to a scam artist and ruining her credit because they were afraid she would get mad at them if they disagreed with her? I guess I was willing to take my chances.
I have one sister who I know would help me. Unfortunately, she sat for three months and watched her daughter pass away in October. She gets an exempt card. I think watching one's loved one pass away is more than enough in a lifetime. She's the only other one who stands up to my mom when she sees her making a mistake and is willing to deal with her wrath. She is just not strong enough right now and I understand that. That is a legitimate reason to have to back off. Not wanting to "make mom mad" is not.
One sister informed me that I should call my mom because if something happens I will feel badly. I informed her that I absolutely will NOT. I flew to Florida and helped my dad pass away when my mom wasn't able. I organized every detail of his death and funeral. I helped my mom through a major surgery when everyone else had too many things to do. I have helped her with more things than I can count. My conscience is clear. I will call my mom to chit chat. I'll call and talk about irrelevant things and ohhh and ahhh over her. I will NOT try to help her. She is going to have to ask, sincerely ask, for my help. She is going to have to agree to give up the control and understand that any decisions I make will be with her best interest in mind. She is going to have to understand she doesn't have all of the answers right now and trust me.
Maybe one of my siblings who care so much for her and love her so much can fly down there and take care of her and this mess. Maybe one of the ones who she has been supporting for years can begin to payback one iota of what they owe her. Or maybe I'll grow wings and be able to fly down like the snowbirds who travel south every winter. I see a better chance of that happening.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
I Have A Problem With Pinterest
I'm addicted to Pinterest. I have only been on for a couple of weeks but I'm in love, the kind of love you feel for a guy in the first two weeks of dating. It's dreamy.
Our purse strings are tightened to the point of asphyxiation so shopping doesn't hold the same allure for me these days that it used to. I am a window shopper and I truly do enjoy browsing but somehow KNOWING beyond doubt that you cannot bring home a single item, no matter how fantastic, takes the wind out of my sails. Pinterest is like virtual window shopping minus the disappointment.
I have outfits pinned for the rest of the winter; fabulous outfits with accessories and make up right along with them. Outfits I will never wear because I am a recluse and live in sweats with my hair in a ponytail and no make up. BUT if I ever get somewhere to go I know exactly where I'm going to get myself together. "My Style" board is going to guide me to looking fabulous no matter the occasion. I'm going to venture into my closet and put together jaw-dropping outfits from the plethora of clothing that has been hanging there just waiting for new ways to be combined. My accessories are going to be put together in ways I could never have imagined and I will be switching purses with each new ensemble. Please, give me somwhere to go soon.
I anxiously await spring. My "outdoor spaces" are going to be beyond amazing. Cozy nooks filled with lanterns and candle light. Entertaining areas set with fabulous dinnerware and adorable centerpieces. The landscaping in my yard will be undergoing a major overhaul. Every path and flower will be perfectly combined for an aesthetically pleasing journey every time I venture into my yard for a morning stroll. It doesn't matter that my backyard is the size of a postage stamp. Pinterest has shown me my dreams can be big though my reality may be small.
I have been building an aresenal of recipes. Some are "yummy," some are "healthy meals," some are for "entertaining" only and some are for days like today, when the snow is falling and the temperature right along with it. My "comfort foods" are perfect for today. I'm studying and staring, ready to choose the perfect one from my board to entice my family to the kitchen. I envision them gathered around the table, laughing and chatting while I whip up the perfect meal from my board. Maybe we can even play a board game while it simmers. It doesn't matter that I probably don't have a single ingredient to prepare a single recipe. It doesn't matter that my children are 17 and 16 and would probably rather maim themselves than to sit around our table with their lame parents playing board games while their dinner cooks. None of this matters because with Pinterest, anything is possible.
I even have my "thinspiration" board. All of this cooking and eating is going to require some major working out and dieting if I'm supposed to resemble anything smaller than a beached whale this summer. I have work outs pinned. I have inspirational quotes. I have women in bikinis and before and afters. I look at them every day and think, YES!! that is going to be me this summer. I read about what one must do to achieve that kind of result. I read and I look and I think and I dream. Then I log off and have a snack and sometimes take a little nap because all of this dreaming and looking is exhausting.
Oh Pinterest....I shudder to think what my grey, empty, dreamless life was before you. I wake early in the morning just to log on and see what the genius people I "follow" have found on the web over night. I thank you for giving me yet one more way to waste yet more time sitting at my computer while my butt grows to the size of my chair. I thank you Pinterest.
Our purse strings are tightened to the point of asphyxiation so shopping doesn't hold the same allure for me these days that it used to. I am a window shopper and I truly do enjoy browsing but somehow KNOWING beyond doubt that you cannot bring home a single item, no matter how fantastic, takes the wind out of my sails. Pinterest is like virtual window shopping minus the disappointment.
I have outfits pinned for the rest of the winter; fabulous outfits with accessories and make up right along with them. Outfits I will never wear because I am a recluse and live in sweats with my hair in a ponytail and no make up. BUT if I ever get somewhere to go I know exactly where I'm going to get myself together. "My Style" board is going to guide me to looking fabulous no matter the occasion. I'm going to venture into my closet and put together jaw-dropping outfits from the plethora of clothing that has been hanging there just waiting for new ways to be combined. My accessories are going to be put together in ways I could never have imagined and I will be switching purses with each new ensemble. Please, give me somwhere to go soon.
I anxiously await spring. My "outdoor spaces" are going to be beyond amazing. Cozy nooks filled with lanterns and candle light. Entertaining areas set with fabulous dinnerware and adorable centerpieces. The landscaping in my yard will be undergoing a major overhaul. Every path and flower will be perfectly combined for an aesthetically pleasing journey every time I venture into my yard for a morning stroll. It doesn't matter that my backyard is the size of a postage stamp. Pinterest has shown me my dreams can be big though my reality may be small.
I have been building an aresenal of recipes. Some are "yummy," some are "healthy meals," some are for "entertaining" only and some are for days like today, when the snow is falling and the temperature right along with it. My "comfort foods" are perfect for today. I'm studying and staring, ready to choose the perfect one from my board to entice my family to the kitchen. I envision them gathered around the table, laughing and chatting while I whip up the perfect meal from my board. Maybe we can even play a board game while it simmers. It doesn't matter that I probably don't have a single ingredient to prepare a single recipe. It doesn't matter that my children are 17 and 16 and would probably rather maim themselves than to sit around our table with their lame parents playing board games while their dinner cooks. None of this matters because with Pinterest, anything is possible.
I even have my "thinspiration" board. All of this cooking and eating is going to require some major working out and dieting if I'm supposed to resemble anything smaller than a beached whale this summer. I have work outs pinned. I have inspirational quotes. I have women in bikinis and before and afters. I look at them every day and think, YES!! that is going to be me this summer. I read about what one must do to achieve that kind of result. I read and I look and I think and I dream. Then I log off and have a snack and sometimes take a little nap because all of this dreaming and looking is exhausting.
Oh Pinterest....I shudder to think what my grey, empty, dreamless life was before you. I wake early in the morning just to log on and see what the genius people I "follow" have found on the web over night. I thank you for giving me yet one more way to waste yet more time sitting at my computer while my butt grows to the size of my chair. I thank you Pinterest.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Generations
My childrens' lives unfold before my loving eyes,
Futures filled with hope and promise and endless sunny skies.
And while my heart is filled with joy, watching what is yet to come,
The other half is filled with another mother's love.
Thinking of a mother who once held these dreams for me,
Who looked on me with hope and joy and pondered who I'd be.
A mother who's world is changing with the dawn of each new day,
A mother who's fear is palpable in every single way.
The cycle of life continues, though at times difficult to bear,
And forward we must travel through the uncertainty and fear.
Futures filled with hope and promise and endless sunny skies.
And while my heart is filled with joy, watching what is yet to come,
The other half is filled with another mother's love.
Thinking of a mother who once held these dreams for me,
Who looked on me with hope and joy and pondered who I'd be.
A mother who's world is changing with the dawn of each new day,
A mother who's fear is palpable in every single way.
The cycle of life continues, though at times difficult to bear,
And forward we must travel through the uncertainty and fear.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Am I Living In a Parellel Universe?
Yesterday was one heck of a day. Let it suffice to say that there was wine at dinner last night, and lots of it! Trying to talk on the phone with my mother and straighten out her situation was similar to to sitting down your toddler and discussing his financial portfolio with him. Now imagine that toddler has all of the power, the final say on whether or not he likes your ideas. Oh, and now imagine the toddler has limited speaking abilites, you know, when they can speak but the sentences are not quite complete.
Trying to get any information from my mother is like a spy gig. I have limited information and have to try to piece together the puzzle from the bits and pieces I can pull from her. "I have the bank credit card, you know? The bank....but I don't want to get rid of that one...I like those girls there...they are like my friends." "Ask David Robinson if you can take that one off and just have the other one...you know the one....ummmmm.....ahhhhh....well, you know what I'm talking about." No mom I don't. I don't have a flippin' clue what the heck we are talking about.
I tried to get her to tell me her monthly income and her monthly bills to see where the hole in this equation is. "Mom, how much is your phone bill a month?" "Well, I called Brighthouse and I told that girl that I just want 23 channels on my cable. I don't need all of those extra channels anyway. I watch my Everyone loves Raymond and my games shows. As long as I have them I'm fine. We all know I get my money's worth out of my phone....hahahahaha....." GIVE ME A NUMBER!!!! GIVE ME A DOLLAR AMOUNT!!!!!! At the end of a good hour, I still hadn't a clue what bills she had. Every question had a story but rarely ended in a dollar amount.
Then the comment that cued the screeching brakes in my mind, "Well, I have that savings account with x amount of money in it in the bank." What? She's sitting on a chunk of money that she is drawing on every month and we are even having this conversation? Eureka! I can solve this problem in two seconds. I explained how she should take out enough money to pay her two highest credit cards and then work on paying extra on the rest until they go away. Her balances aren't that high (from what I could piece together) and she would still have comfortable savings left. "OH NO KIRALY!! I need that money in there! I need that money to live on. If I take out a big chunk I won't be able to pay my bills!" "But mom if you pay off your cards your bills will be significantly decreased every month and you won't have to draw any more. You will be able to live comfortably on your social security." Nuh uh, no way. It was not flying.
I actually sank to the floor, phone in hand, where I stood. Is this for real? After five years of explaining this concept to my husband eight ways from Wednesday am I really up against another person who cannot or will not accept that having a chunk of money in the bank is useless when you have credit card debt? That money WILL disappear but the debt will not. I can't do it. I am not strong enough.
Remember I said I am not a crier? Well, I cried when I hung up that phone. I cried like my heart might actually break and I would be a puddle of nothingness on the floor. I cried so hard, my husband started crying watching me cry. I cried at the futility of my mission. I cried at the knowledge that if I couldn't make my husband understand this when we live together and I could daily point out examples of how his financial methods were NOT working there was no way I was going to get my mom to understand this simple truth. I cried because I have not had two weeks reprieve from my husband FINALLY acknowledging his way is not working and maybe we should try my ideas. I cried because I'm just tired.
Then I was done. I got on the phone. I organized my mom's information (well, what I could figure out from the fragments) and came up with a budget. I went on line and found some senior housing to check into. I got proactive because crying has never solved a problem that I know of. I am stronger than I know. I can handle whatever life gives me and I know that because God will never give me more than I can handle.
I love God and I trust him. I know I have so many angels watching over me. I know I am smart and capable and that the only person who limits me in what I can do is me. I can do whatever I want. I can have whatever I want. This blog, this place, the support of my friends and family is a daily reminder to me that I am special and strong and what I say and do matters. I told my husband I am done being a victim and 2012 is the year I take control. I will never be at someone's mercy again.
My name is on all of my mom's accounts. I will not sit and watch another person destroy herself with the stress and worry that financial problems create. Especially not an 80 year old woman who had more than enough money to live out her life very comfortably. There is no way on earth she should worry about money at all. When my dad passed away she had more than enough to live until 100 very comfortably. I don't want to do it but I will intervene. I cannot let her do this to herself. She won't be happy and I don't want to take her independence away but she is just too confused and mixed up to do it on her own.
When my dad died, I had a little chat with him. He was in a coma but he heard me, I know. I told him to go ahead and wait for all of us. I told him I would take care of my mom and that he could go knowing I would watch out for her. She has made it almost impossible for me to do so. I never dreamed she would change so dramatically after his death and fight me so hard. Come hell or high water, I will honor that promise.
Trying to get any information from my mother is like a spy gig. I have limited information and have to try to piece together the puzzle from the bits and pieces I can pull from her. "I have the bank credit card, you know? The bank....but I don't want to get rid of that one...I like those girls there...they are like my friends." "Ask David Robinson if you can take that one off and just have the other one...you know the one....ummmmm.....ahhhhh....well, you know what I'm talking about." No mom I don't. I don't have a flippin' clue what the heck we are talking about.
I tried to get her to tell me her monthly income and her monthly bills to see where the hole in this equation is. "Mom, how much is your phone bill a month?" "Well, I called Brighthouse and I told that girl that I just want 23 channels on my cable. I don't need all of those extra channels anyway. I watch my Everyone loves Raymond and my games shows. As long as I have them I'm fine. We all know I get my money's worth out of my phone....hahahahaha....." GIVE ME A NUMBER!!!! GIVE ME A DOLLAR AMOUNT!!!!!! At the end of a good hour, I still hadn't a clue what bills she had. Every question had a story but rarely ended in a dollar amount.
Then the comment that cued the screeching brakes in my mind, "Well, I have that savings account with x amount of money in it in the bank." What? She's sitting on a chunk of money that she is drawing on every month and we are even having this conversation? Eureka! I can solve this problem in two seconds. I explained how she should take out enough money to pay her two highest credit cards and then work on paying extra on the rest until they go away. Her balances aren't that high (from what I could piece together) and she would still have comfortable savings left. "OH NO KIRALY!! I need that money in there! I need that money to live on. If I take out a big chunk I won't be able to pay my bills!" "But mom if you pay off your cards your bills will be significantly decreased every month and you won't have to draw any more. You will be able to live comfortably on your social security." Nuh uh, no way. It was not flying.
I actually sank to the floor, phone in hand, where I stood. Is this for real? After five years of explaining this concept to my husband eight ways from Wednesday am I really up against another person who cannot or will not accept that having a chunk of money in the bank is useless when you have credit card debt? That money WILL disappear but the debt will not. I can't do it. I am not strong enough.
Remember I said I am not a crier? Well, I cried when I hung up that phone. I cried like my heart might actually break and I would be a puddle of nothingness on the floor. I cried so hard, my husband started crying watching me cry. I cried at the futility of my mission. I cried at the knowledge that if I couldn't make my husband understand this when we live together and I could daily point out examples of how his financial methods were NOT working there was no way I was going to get my mom to understand this simple truth. I cried because I have not had two weeks reprieve from my husband FINALLY acknowledging his way is not working and maybe we should try my ideas. I cried because I'm just tired.
Then I was done. I got on the phone. I organized my mom's information (well, what I could figure out from the fragments) and came up with a budget. I went on line and found some senior housing to check into. I got proactive because crying has never solved a problem that I know of. I am stronger than I know. I can handle whatever life gives me and I know that because God will never give me more than I can handle.
I love God and I trust him. I know I have so many angels watching over me. I know I am smart and capable and that the only person who limits me in what I can do is me. I can do whatever I want. I can have whatever I want. This blog, this place, the support of my friends and family is a daily reminder to me that I am special and strong and what I say and do matters. I told my husband I am done being a victim and 2012 is the year I take control. I will never be at someone's mercy again.
My name is on all of my mom's accounts. I will not sit and watch another person destroy herself with the stress and worry that financial problems create. Especially not an 80 year old woman who had more than enough money to live out her life very comfortably. There is no way on earth she should worry about money at all. When my dad passed away she had more than enough to live until 100 very comfortably. I don't want to do it but I will intervene. I cannot let her do this to herself. She won't be happy and I don't want to take her independence away but she is just too confused and mixed up to do it on her own.
When my dad died, I had a little chat with him. He was in a coma but he heard me, I know. I told him to go ahead and wait for all of us. I told him I would take care of my mom and that he could go knowing I would watch out for her. She has made it almost impossible for me to do so. I never dreamed she would change so dramatically after his death and fight me so hard. Come hell or high water, I will honor that promise.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Mommy Dearest
I spoke with my mom last night for the first time since the new year. I hate to admit it but she rarely remembers if she has spoken to me or not and our conversations are so exhausting that I "forget" to call for a couple of weeks at a time. I do check in via my other sisters who she calls regularly so I'm informed but I just don't have to suffer through the phone call.
My mom turned 80 this past August and for the past six months she has just been deteriorating, physically and mentally. She is a diabetic who is just not inclined or truly doesn't understand how to take control of that through diet. When I was there in April she was doing great! I explained how she has to eat every few hours to keep her insulin stable, what types of foods she should be eating, etc. I even bought a little notebook and wrote down meal and snack ideas and simple recipes she could whip up quickly for herself. I kept it very minimal because my mom is not known for her love of cooking. She said she was going to keep it up because she really could feel the difference.
Of course, she did amazingly for a while and then she lost interest. She started eating out more. I believe it's because she craves the interaction with people. I understand that 100%. Since my dad passed away she lives in her home in Florida all by herself with nothing but solitary, empty days looming before her. She goes to Bingo and Lunch Bunch and get-togethers at the club house but in between she is lonely and bored.
I also left a notebook for shopping. I told her as she realizes she is out of something to write it in the notebook and then bring it to the store with her. She was getting to the store and wandering around aimlessly and going home with crazy things that she couldn't even make a meal out of and forgetting the basics like bread and milk. The problem is, on the way to write in the notebook she forgets what she is doing and ends up doing something else or she forgets to bring the notebook to the store.
Last night she told me she had gone for some xrays. She had taken a fall off of a new kitchenette set she had purchased. It was a stool with three legs and she said she just fell backward off of it. Why on earth she bought a stool to sit on at 80 is beyond me. She needs four legs, a back and a seatbelt as far as I'm concerned. She also told me her sugar has been very low. She danced for two straight hours at the New Year's Eve bash at the clubhouse and "forgot" to eat. She forgets to eat alot, a huge problem when you are a diabetic. She said she hasn't felt right since. She can't see, she is weaving when she walks, she can't finish a thought, let alone a sentence.
She is scared. I could hear it in her voice, she is terrified. She cannot retain anything she reads and right now she is sending money to a "debt consolidation" firm in Plano, Texas so they can pay all of her bills and she can write one check and not get so mixed up every month. They are getting a phone call today from me because I can't tell if she is just so confused or if this is as shady as it seems. NOT ONE THING made sense about this plan. She said they "found" her when I asked how she found out about them. Call me paranoid but when a business like this "finds" a confused elderly woman in a senior housing complex no good can come from that. It doesn't help that I googled them and cannot find anything, not a good sign.
My first inclination was to fly to Florida and just stay with her for a month and get her together. Get her diet in order, get her finances in order, get her home sold and get her to Connecticut. This would be so much easier if she were there. At least most of my family is there and could pop over and help her when she needs it. Heck, it's only five hours from me and I could go home for a weekend just to get her straight for a while. As we all know, I live on Brokeback Mountain (well, without all of the homosexuality) and flying there is NOT an option. It's times like this when our financial irresponsibility downright hurts. It kills me that I can't, really can't, go down and just sit with her and comfort her. I know just that would calm her down immensely. I will do what I can from here but I can't lie, it stings.
I think the most upsetting part of all of this is that I have siblings who are drug addicts/alcoholics and they have siphoned every penny they could get from her since my dad passed away. My dad was like the gatekeeper. He didn't work hard his whole life to give his money away to people too lazy or irresponsible to earn their own. My mom is another story. She loved giving them money. She has been a mom since she was 17 years old. She had her last child when she was 39. Mothering is all she's ever known and I think it helped her feel still somewhat in control of those children. We told her she was enabling them to continue drinking/drugging. We told her for every dollar she gave for rent money, car payments, gas, cigarettes, that was one more dollar they had to buy alcohol or drugs. I believe deep down she knew. I also believe she was so lost without my dad that she had to find purpose. Being mired in their dramatic lives kept her mind busy. It was stressful but it was a distraction, albeit a disastrous one.
Am I angry with my siblings? You betcha. However, they are addicts. I have enough experience with them to know the root of addiction is selfishness. What do I want and how am I going to get it? They don't think of the hurt, the consequences, the fact that their disease affects every person who has ever cared for them. Even their recovery is completely egocentric. It's like the slate is wiped clean and they get to forget every horrific thing they did while using and live their blessed and wonderful lives from the day they decide they want it. Oh, except of course when the get to the "amends" step when they call you up and vaguely apologize for whatever injustice they may have perpetrated against you and you must forgive them so their "recovery" can progress. Yes, I am bitter. I've been through too many recoveries and relapses not to harbor some ill will for the process.
Mostly, I blame my mom. My other siblings and I tried to warn her. We asked her who was going to give her money when the others had taken all of hers. Her answer was always that it is HER money and she will give it to who she wants and spend it the way she wants. She always said she would be dead before it ran out and we warned her as well that she could live another 20 years and she needed to think of herself and her needs. Again, we were told it was HER money.
I'm heartbroken. I listened to my mom's breathless, unfinished sentences and something in me broke. The despair and desperation in her plea for guidance and help broke me. My mom doesn't want to accept the limitations of her body and her aging mind. She has fire and spunk but I really sense fear now. Fear that sheer force of will is not going to be enough this time to make her physical being cooperate. Fear that her independence is coming to an end. My own mortality has never been more shockingly clear to me. My own fear that once my mom passes I am, essentially, an orphan. I will not have a living parent left in this world. It was the first time I had thought of that and how I will feel, what it will mean.
I will do what I can from here. I wish it could be more. I wish I could comfort her like she did me so many times when I was a child. I wish distance and money were not an issue. I wish my mom hadn't squanderd her money on adults too selfish and lazy to earn their own. I wish my dad were alive so none of this would be an issue. I wish my mom's mind and body would just cooperate and get her to death comfortably. I wish I didn't feel so helpless and sad. I wish growing old weren't so hard. But like my mom has always said, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
My mom turned 80 this past August and for the past six months she has just been deteriorating, physically and mentally. She is a diabetic who is just not inclined or truly doesn't understand how to take control of that through diet. When I was there in April she was doing great! I explained how she has to eat every few hours to keep her insulin stable, what types of foods she should be eating, etc. I even bought a little notebook and wrote down meal and snack ideas and simple recipes she could whip up quickly for herself. I kept it very minimal because my mom is not known for her love of cooking. She said she was going to keep it up because she really could feel the difference.
Of course, she did amazingly for a while and then she lost interest. She started eating out more. I believe it's because she craves the interaction with people. I understand that 100%. Since my dad passed away she lives in her home in Florida all by herself with nothing but solitary, empty days looming before her. She goes to Bingo and Lunch Bunch and get-togethers at the club house but in between she is lonely and bored.
I also left a notebook for shopping. I told her as she realizes she is out of something to write it in the notebook and then bring it to the store with her. She was getting to the store and wandering around aimlessly and going home with crazy things that she couldn't even make a meal out of and forgetting the basics like bread and milk. The problem is, on the way to write in the notebook she forgets what she is doing and ends up doing something else or she forgets to bring the notebook to the store.
Last night she told me she had gone for some xrays. She had taken a fall off of a new kitchenette set she had purchased. It was a stool with three legs and she said she just fell backward off of it. Why on earth she bought a stool to sit on at 80 is beyond me. She needs four legs, a back and a seatbelt as far as I'm concerned. She also told me her sugar has been very low. She danced for two straight hours at the New Year's Eve bash at the clubhouse and "forgot" to eat. She forgets to eat alot, a huge problem when you are a diabetic. She said she hasn't felt right since. She can't see, she is weaving when she walks, she can't finish a thought, let alone a sentence.
She is scared. I could hear it in her voice, she is terrified. She cannot retain anything she reads and right now she is sending money to a "debt consolidation" firm in Plano, Texas so they can pay all of her bills and she can write one check and not get so mixed up every month. They are getting a phone call today from me because I can't tell if she is just so confused or if this is as shady as it seems. NOT ONE THING made sense about this plan. She said they "found" her when I asked how she found out about them. Call me paranoid but when a business like this "finds" a confused elderly woman in a senior housing complex no good can come from that. It doesn't help that I googled them and cannot find anything, not a good sign.
My first inclination was to fly to Florida and just stay with her for a month and get her together. Get her diet in order, get her finances in order, get her home sold and get her to Connecticut. This would be so much easier if she were there. At least most of my family is there and could pop over and help her when she needs it. Heck, it's only five hours from me and I could go home for a weekend just to get her straight for a while. As we all know, I live on Brokeback Mountain (well, without all of the homosexuality) and flying there is NOT an option. It's times like this when our financial irresponsibility downright hurts. It kills me that I can't, really can't, go down and just sit with her and comfort her. I know just that would calm her down immensely. I will do what I can from here but I can't lie, it stings.
I think the most upsetting part of all of this is that I have siblings who are drug addicts/alcoholics and they have siphoned every penny they could get from her since my dad passed away. My dad was like the gatekeeper. He didn't work hard his whole life to give his money away to people too lazy or irresponsible to earn their own. My mom is another story. She loved giving them money. She has been a mom since she was 17 years old. She had her last child when she was 39. Mothering is all she's ever known and I think it helped her feel still somewhat in control of those children. We told her she was enabling them to continue drinking/drugging. We told her for every dollar she gave for rent money, car payments, gas, cigarettes, that was one more dollar they had to buy alcohol or drugs. I believe deep down she knew. I also believe she was so lost without my dad that she had to find purpose. Being mired in their dramatic lives kept her mind busy. It was stressful but it was a distraction, albeit a disastrous one.
Am I angry with my siblings? You betcha. However, they are addicts. I have enough experience with them to know the root of addiction is selfishness. What do I want and how am I going to get it? They don't think of the hurt, the consequences, the fact that their disease affects every person who has ever cared for them. Even their recovery is completely egocentric. It's like the slate is wiped clean and they get to forget every horrific thing they did while using and live their blessed and wonderful lives from the day they decide they want it. Oh, except of course when the get to the "amends" step when they call you up and vaguely apologize for whatever injustice they may have perpetrated against you and you must forgive them so their "recovery" can progress. Yes, I am bitter. I've been through too many recoveries and relapses not to harbor some ill will for the process.
Mostly, I blame my mom. My other siblings and I tried to warn her. We asked her who was going to give her money when the others had taken all of hers. Her answer was always that it is HER money and she will give it to who she wants and spend it the way she wants. She always said she would be dead before it ran out and we warned her as well that she could live another 20 years and she needed to think of herself and her needs. Again, we were told it was HER money.
I'm heartbroken. I listened to my mom's breathless, unfinished sentences and something in me broke. The despair and desperation in her plea for guidance and help broke me. My mom doesn't want to accept the limitations of her body and her aging mind. She has fire and spunk but I really sense fear now. Fear that sheer force of will is not going to be enough this time to make her physical being cooperate. Fear that her independence is coming to an end. My own mortality has never been more shockingly clear to me. My own fear that once my mom passes I am, essentially, an orphan. I will not have a living parent left in this world. It was the first time I had thought of that and how I will feel, what it will mean.
I will do what I can from here. I wish it could be more. I wish I could comfort her like she did me so many times when I was a child. I wish distance and money were not an issue. I wish my mom hadn't squanderd her money on adults too selfish and lazy to earn their own. I wish my dad were alive so none of this would be an issue. I wish my mom's mind and body would just cooperate and get her to death comfortably. I wish I didn't feel so helpless and sad. I wish growing old weren't so hard. But like my mom has always said, "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Put On A Happy Face
I have wonderful friends. When I say I love them and would do anything for them I mean that from the bottom of my soul. That's usually why I have such a hard time understanding friends who desert others in their time of need or don't have eachothers' backs. When you call yourself a friend, you take the good with the bad. Maybe that's why I choose to have a few rather than an entourage. It's not a commitment I make lightly.
I have a friend who follows my blog and she and I were chatting yesterday. She shared that she experiences so many of the same thoughts and feelings that I'm going through. She has been through a life that would probably have beaten me but she has risen from her circumstances, taken life by the horns and is creating the one she wants. It was worth every dirty little secret I have bared on here so far. It hasn't been easy, airing my dirty laundry, but it is turning out to be worth it. I've also had other friends tell me they are having the same feelings, going through the same things. My goal in starting this is coming to fruition. I am not alone. We are not alone.
She told me that I do a better job of hiding it than she did though. I thought about that a long time. Am I hiding it? Am I putting on the happy face to mask my sorrow and sadness? Another one of those introspective moments where it was time to get honest with myself. The answer is no. I'm not a sad person. I'm not completely consumed with this aspect of my life. Overall, I am more joyful and thankful than mired in this mess.
I really think I could have ignored the issues that I've been addressing in this blog for the rest of my life and had a pretty happy one. Granted, lately it's been harder to be around people with my husband because this was starting to consume my thoughts. I really think that is because my subconscious knew I was repressing my issues and they wanted out. They wanted a voice and it was getting harder to quiet the chorus. For so long I was content to just move along, blissfully ignorant to the bad in our lives. I spent all of my energy embracing the good, the positive, the joyful and just ignoring the negative.
Don't I deserve better? Don't I deserve all of the joy life has to offer me? I spend all of my time and energy making sure my home is a happy one, that the memories my children take from here will be more good than bad. Don't I deserve to really be happy, inside and out? When I say I could live with anyone, that is absolutely true. Unless you hurt me directly or my children, my philosophy is live and let live. I don't judge because I don't care. If you want to mess your life up and end up a hot mess, who am I to tell you you shouldn't? I don't have all of the answers. If you ask my opinion, I won't sugar coat it but if you choose not to take my advice, so be it.
This blog is the result of knowing I want it all. I don't want half and have to settle with that. I'm a great wife and a great person and I deserve someone who knows that. I told my husband he doesn't appreciate me because he got me right out of the gate. He didn't have that "crazy ex" to compare me to. I'm a great cook and love to entertain yet my weight is in check. I love to keep a cozy home and have it nicely decorated yet I always look decent as well. I'm intelligent but also funny and down-to-earth. I don't like to argue. I don't do drama. I'm not a "crier." I'm not a complainer. Whenever he is down or stressed I ALWAYS find the words to make him feel better. I don't freak him out or fret about our doom. I talk him down and get him to see that in the big scheme of things these little "tragedies" are so inconsequential. Life happens, stuff happens and it's going to continue to do so until the day we die. I'm just chill. I like calmness and laughter. It is so rare to find a woman who does all of these things. Usually you have to give up one to get the other. He needed one needy psycho in his past to see all of this.
I know I'm sounding egotistical right now but I'm also brutally honest. I know I have faults, lots of them but overall as far as life partners go, I'd marry me. I'm one of nine children and my mother always tells me the only one she could live with is me. I took care of her this year when she had some surgery and stayed with her for ten days. She told me it's the best she's felt in years. Her home was infused with laughter and purpose. I don't let people around me pout. Life is a gift and it's up to us to make the most of it. None of us should waste a moment of it because we are going to blink our eyes and it's going to be the end of it. I don't want to be in that place saying I wish I had spent more time enjoying my life rather than squandering my energy on a bunch of situations I was powerless to change anyway. We are going to have disappointments but how much energy we choose to spend on those moments is entirely up to us. We can let it consume us or we can realize our limitations and move along.
So am I hiding my pain? Nope. I'm just letting the crazy out for a little romp, giving it some air and seeing what becomes of it. I'm confident I'll figure out where to stable it in my brain eventually. I just finally realized I needed to bring it in from the far pasture where it's been left to graze for a little too long now.
I have a friend who follows my blog and she and I were chatting yesterday. She shared that she experiences so many of the same thoughts and feelings that I'm going through. She has been through a life that would probably have beaten me but she has risen from her circumstances, taken life by the horns and is creating the one she wants. It was worth every dirty little secret I have bared on here so far. It hasn't been easy, airing my dirty laundry, but it is turning out to be worth it. I've also had other friends tell me they are having the same feelings, going through the same things. My goal in starting this is coming to fruition. I am not alone. We are not alone.
She told me that I do a better job of hiding it than she did though. I thought about that a long time. Am I hiding it? Am I putting on the happy face to mask my sorrow and sadness? Another one of those introspective moments where it was time to get honest with myself. The answer is no. I'm not a sad person. I'm not completely consumed with this aspect of my life. Overall, I am more joyful and thankful than mired in this mess.
I really think I could have ignored the issues that I've been addressing in this blog for the rest of my life and had a pretty happy one. Granted, lately it's been harder to be around people with my husband because this was starting to consume my thoughts. I really think that is because my subconscious knew I was repressing my issues and they wanted out. They wanted a voice and it was getting harder to quiet the chorus. For so long I was content to just move along, blissfully ignorant to the bad in our lives. I spent all of my energy embracing the good, the positive, the joyful and just ignoring the negative.
Don't I deserve better? Don't I deserve all of the joy life has to offer me? I spend all of my time and energy making sure my home is a happy one, that the memories my children take from here will be more good than bad. Don't I deserve to really be happy, inside and out? When I say I could live with anyone, that is absolutely true. Unless you hurt me directly or my children, my philosophy is live and let live. I don't judge because I don't care. If you want to mess your life up and end up a hot mess, who am I to tell you you shouldn't? I don't have all of the answers. If you ask my opinion, I won't sugar coat it but if you choose not to take my advice, so be it.
This blog is the result of knowing I want it all. I don't want half and have to settle with that. I'm a great wife and a great person and I deserve someone who knows that. I told my husband he doesn't appreciate me because he got me right out of the gate. He didn't have that "crazy ex" to compare me to. I'm a great cook and love to entertain yet my weight is in check. I love to keep a cozy home and have it nicely decorated yet I always look decent as well. I'm intelligent but also funny and down-to-earth. I don't like to argue. I don't do drama. I'm not a "crier." I'm not a complainer. Whenever he is down or stressed I ALWAYS find the words to make him feel better. I don't freak him out or fret about our doom. I talk him down and get him to see that in the big scheme of things these little "tragedies" are so inconsequential. Life happens, stuff happens and it's going to continue to do so until the day we die. I'm just chill. I like calmness and laughter. It is so rare to find a woman who does all of these things. Usually you have to give up one to get the other. He needed one needy psycho in his past to see all of this.
I know I'm sounding egotistical right now but I'm also brutally honest. I know I have faults, lots of them but overall as far as life partners go, I'd marry me. I'm one of nine children and my mother always tells me the only one she could live with is me. I took care of her this year when she had some surgery and stayed with her for ten days. She told me it's the best she's felt in years. Her home was infused with laughter and purpose. I don't let people around me pout. Life is a gift and it's up to us to make the most of it. None of us should waste a moment of it because we are going to blink our eyes and it's going to be the end of it. I don't want to be in that place saying I wish I had spent more time enjoying my life rather than squandering my energy on a bunch of situations I was powerless to change anyway. We are going to have disappointments but how much energy we choose to spend on those moments is entirely up to us. We can let it consume us or we can realize our limitations and move along.
So am I hiding my pain? Nope. I'm just letting the crazy out for a little romp, giving it some air and seeing what becomes of it. I'm confident I'll figure out where to stable it in my brain eventually. I just finally realized I needed to bring it in from the far pasture where it's been left to graze for a little too long now.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Facebook Saved My Sanity
I know Facebook has been getting a lot of bad rap. Marriages are breaking up, couples are cheating and everyone is trying to recapture their childhood feelings of irresponsiblity and lightheartedness by hooking up with that "one that got away."
Facebook has been my life lately. I know, that says pathetic things about me but in so many ways I really think I would be curled up in bed, refusing to come out if I didn't have my friends on facebook to play with. I talked about the money thing and it affects everything. A friend I haven't seen in quite a while wants to get together for dinner this week and catch up. I told my husband. He told me he is "trying to get our finances in order and he doesn't have money for me to go out to dinner." Really? We have money to go to the grocery store but not for me to go to dinner? I get that the money is in the bank but they do have this nifty feature called a withdrawal and then the cash can be in your hand as opposed to your account. It's just not worth arguing over. I'm just praying this loan comes through and things can settle down in that corner. I have a feeling that is going to be a HUGE determining factor in the future of this marriage.
I have realized through Facebook that friends I thought I had lost touch with and would never see again are turning out to be some of my very best, most-trusted friends. I have become friends with people in my town who I knew very superficially and whom I would probably never have known any better are actually turning out to be some of my most loyal, trusted friends here. I even have male friends from my past who are so supportive and I can really talk to and trust. Not in a creepy, "you're unhappy and I'm going to prey on that" way but in a genuine, "you are a good person and I care about you" kind of way. Many days I wake up just to see how hard I can laugh with one friend on there. Ironically, I never knew him in grammar school where our "friendship" originated. I became friends with him because we had so many mutual friends and I assumed I knew him (the name rang a bell and I'm HORRIBLE with remembering people). Our back and forth quips are the highlight of many of my days.
People always give me a hard time. I went to my high school reunion and so many people were like "Here's Kiraly...the Facebook queen." I don't apologize or make excuses for being on facebook. I don't care what people think if I post 20 statuses in a day. I don't care what they think about those statuses. There is a "hide" option and a "delete" option if I annoy them. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even miss them. I have my people I look for. I love that I'm in contact with so many people from my past but I know who is talking junk about Facebook and secretly checking it out all day long. I guess it makes them feel they have more of a "real" life than those of us on there all of the time. That's ok. I'm quite sure they do. My son takes our second car to school every day so I am literally homebound. I walk the errands that are close-by, clean house, work out, etc. If it requires a car, I'm not involved.
I would lose my mind with ZERO contact with another human being, all day every day. Most of the people I know work so there are only so many I can talk to on the phone during the day (although I certainly make the most of the ones that are available). Do you have any idea how lonely it is with only your thoughts for company every day? Maybe that's why this is all coming to a head. I spent all of 2011 not working. That's alot of thinking time. Everyone wants to be at home but it is boring and lonely and you can only come up with so many productive things to do. Many days I think, "why bother? It's the same thing day after day!"
That's when Facebook saves my sanity. I jump on, catch up, maybe have a little conversation, whatever. I feel rejuvenated and can get back to the daily humdrum. It has literally been my lifesaver.
Facebook has been my life lately. I know, that says pathetic things about me but in so many ways I really think I would be curled up in bed, refusing to come out if I didn't have my friends on facebook to play with. I talked about the money thing and it affects everything. A friend I haven't seen in quite a while wants to get together for dinner this week and catch up. I told my husband. He told me he is "trying to get our finances in order and he doesn't have money for me to go out to dinner." Really? We have money to go to the grocery store but not for me to go to dinner? I get that the money is in the bank but they do have this nifty feature called a withdrawal and then the cash can be in your hand as opposed to your account. It's just not worth arguing over. I'm just praying this loan comes through and things can settle down in that corner. I have a feeling that is going to be a HUGE determining factor in the future of this marriage.
I have realized through Facebook that friends I thought I had lost touch with and would never see again are turning out to be some of my very best, most-trusted friends. I have become friends with people in my town who I knew very superficially and whom I would probably never have known any better are actually turning out to be some of my most loyal, trusted friends here. I even have male friends from my past who are so supportive and I can really talk to and trust. Not in a creepy, "you're unhappy and I'm going to prey on that" way but in a genuine, "you are a good person and I care about you" kind of way. Many days I wake up just to see how hard I can laugh with one friend on there. Ironically, I never knew him in grammar school where our "friendship" originated. I became friends with him because we had so many mutual friends and I assumed I knew him (the name rang a bell and I'm HORRIBLE with remembering people). Our back and forth quips are the highlight of many of my days.
People always give me a hard time. I went to my high school reunion and so many people were like "Here's Kiraly...the Facebook queen." I don't apologize or make excuses for being on facebook. I don't care what people think if I post 20 statuses in a day. I don't care what they think about those statuses. There is a "hide" option and a "delete" option if I annoy them. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even miss them. I have my people I look for. I love that I'm in contact with so many people from my past but I know who is talking junk about Facebook and secretly checking it out all day long. I guess it makes them feel they have more of a "real" life than those of us on there all of the time. That's ok. I'm quite sure they do. My son takes our second car to school every day so I am literally homebound. I walk the errands that are close-by, clean house, work out, etc. If it requires a car, I'm not involved.
I would lose my mind with ZERO contact with another human being, all day every day. Most of the people I know work so there are only so many I can talk to on the phone during the day (although I certainly make the most of the ones that are available). Do you have any idea how lonely it is with only your thoughts for company every day? Maybe that's why this is all coming to a head. I spent all of 2011 not working. That's alot of thinking time. Everyone wants to be at home but it is boring and lonely and you can only come up with so many productive things to do. Many days I think, "why bother? It's the same thing day after day!"
That's when Facebook saves my sanity. I jump on, catch up, maybe have a little conversation, whatever. I feel rejuvenated and can get back to the daily humdrum. It has literally been my lifesaver.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
For Better Or Worse
My husband and I will be married 19 years this October. We have been together 22. Trust me when I say we have been through a lot of wonderful times over this span and I would say an equal number of not so great ones.
We have had deaths; significant deaths, unexpected deaths, deaths we did not want to accept. We have had MAJOR financial issues which have in turn caused MAJOR trust issues. For me to be a grown woman raising my children and not have a handle on what our financial situation is is mortifying. I put my trust implicitly into my husband to handle that end of things. He works, he pays the bills and I do the rest. I am ashamed of myself. I feel ignorant, like I put on blinders and just let life pass me by without a care in the world. There were signs but I have so much on my plate every day I wanted to make excuses and ignore them. I know all moms/women have the same full plate but somehow I've always felt less equipped to handle it. The responsibility of making sure three people have all of their needs met, day in, day out for 17+ years now has been overwhelming. I never wanted children because intrinsically I am selfish. I like to worry about myself, my wants, my needs. Trying to always put the kids first and make sure EVERY need, EVERY day is fulfilled is emotionally draining. Some people are nurturing by nature, they have that gene to care for and worry about everyone around them. That is not me.
When my husband began to completely change his personality I knew it was time to address my suspicions. While he never said exactly what our situation was he admitted he was struggling. Alot of the debt was my fault. I had started a career as an independent jewelry consultant. I did great at it! Every show was excellent. Eventually it became less and less of a priority in our household. I couldn't do shows on Thursdays, Fridays or Saturdays because my husband worked at a bar where he made great money so he couldn't give that up. I couldn't do Mondays because he played hockey. I couldn't do Wednesdays because that was the day each week we ate at his parents house. See where this is going? Noone wants to do a Sunday or Tuesday night home party, trust me. I decided to stop (much to the dismay of my customers, it was GREAT stuff!). Now I had alot of inventory that wasn't going to sell and debt. I put half of that debt on a zero percent credit card. I told him to pay that off and when it was done, we would transfer the other half. Great plan, if you pay the bill on time. My husband was late with a payment and the APR went up somewhere over 20%. We were never going to pay this off.
I came up with a new plan. We borrowed from my husband's retirement. It's his money going in there so we could borrow it and just pay it back over 5 years, no problem. We got the loan, I assumed things were fine. Well, come to find out, my husband put that money in a bank account and paid our bills monthly until it ran out. The whole point was to pay off those bills so we would only have the loan payment. I made that abundantly clear. It's like his brain could not compute this simple fact. If he had paid the debt, he would not need a stash of cash to make sure we could meet our bills every month. I did not find out that he had done this until about four years into the loan payback. So now we are paying the loan, paying the debt and the hole is getting deeper.
Now, I decided we need to get a home equity loan and get this resolved once and for all. I explained how we would get the loan, I would SIT WITH HIM while he wrote out the checks and we would finish this. I have been telling him this for over a year. I have sat down calmly and explained how really this is our only option, I have screamed and berated him for not taking care of this with my last two plans, I have cried because I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. He cannot see this is ruining us. Everything comes down to money in our lives. We have two paid off vehicles, our mortgage is ridiculously low and we can't do or buy anything.
My husband has been off on comp for almost a month now. He is not working any overtime. The noose is tightening. He approached me the other day and told me he was calling the bank to get a home equity loan. He said he always felt more secure before having savings in the bank but now he sees that if our credit cards were paid off he wouldn't need that stash to make sure our bills are paid. He also realizes he could build savings more quickly if he didn't have so much money going out every month. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, all I could do was stare silently at him. Really? He was saying all of this to me like he was just sitting on the couch and came to this revelation. My first reaction was pure joy. This nightmare was finally going to be over. Like an alcoholic, he had to come to this decision on his own.
My second reaction, pure rage. We have been living in Hell, literally for years now because he is always stressed, always pinching a penny, always telling the kids no and that they have to use their own money for everything. We NEVER go out, ever. I can make a meal out of anything I have in this house. My grocery bill is around $25 a week to feed a family of four because I can create a meal out of thin air. I have done everything in my power to ease his burden and I have lived in sheer hell. I don't sleep, I eat compulsively, I am shakey inside because we have this problem and I can not get him to see his way out of it. I wanted to help him but he would not let me.
Ironically, we have applied for the loan. My credit is excellent, my husband's is above average. His embarrassment and shame was the reason he never sought help. He didn't want anyone to see he had messed up. When his brother died he paid all of our bills late, every month. He couldn't cope. Instead of asking for help, he stayed in the catch up mode for years. He didn't take my advice when I tried to offer it. Again, I think it was a pride thing. He was supposed to be taking care of his family and he was going to do it his way. I don't know what our debt is. Even when I was signing the papers I didn't look. Since my husband would consider owing ANY money shameful it could be anything. I don't care at this point. I just know I will be writing out the checks this time. The blinders will be off and I am taking control of this, even if I have to wrestle him to the floor for the pen. This is over.
Can I forgive him though? Yes, I agreed to stay in a union with this man for better or worse, till death do us part but can I stay in a relationship where I have no voice? How much is too much? I want to be married to one man until I die. I don't want to start over in my 40's. Do you have any idea how much dieting, working out and waxing that would require? I would have to hunt again and let's face it, I've been married a long time, I'm not exactly at my fighting weight. I have told him and told him how to fix this and I was ignored. I couldn't MAKE him do it. I did tell him I was calling the bank and we WERE getting the loan. I think that's why he finally did it, he knew it was happening with or without him and he wanted to be the one to say he solved it. I am patient. I am kind. Am I just crossing the line into pathetic if I stay? I do have some pride too.
We have had deaths; significant deaths, unexpected deaths, deaths we did not want to accept. We have had MAJOR financial issues which have in turn caused MAJOR trust issues. For me to be a grown woman raising my children and not have a handle on what our financial situation is is mortifying. I put my trust implicitly into my husband to handle that end of things. He works, he pays the bills and I do the rest. I am ashamed of myself. I feel ignorant, like I put on blinders and just let life pass me by without a care in the world. There were signs but I have so much on my plate every day I wanted to make excuses and ignore them. I know all moms/women have the same full plate but somehow I've always felt less equipped to handle it. The responsibility of making sure three people have all of their needs met, day in, day out for 17+ years now has been overwhelming. I never wanted children because intrinsically I am selfish. I like to worry about myself, my wants, my needs. Trying to always put the kids first and make sure EVERY need, EVERY day is fulfilled is emotionally draining. Some people are nurturing by nature, they have that gene to care for and worry about everyone around them. That is not me.
When my husband began to completely change his personality I knew it was time to address my suspicions. While he never said exactly what our situation was he admitted he was struggling. Alot of the debt was my fault. I had started a career as an independent jewelry consultant. I did great at it! Every show was excellent. Eventually it became less and less of a priority in our household. I couldn't do shows on Thursdays, Fridays or Saturdays because my husband worked at a bar where he made great money so he couldn't give that up. I couldn't do Mondays because he played hockey. I couldn't do Wednesdays because that was the day each week we ate at his parents house. See where this is going? Noone wants to do a Sunday or Tuesday night home party, trust me. I decided to stop (much to the dismay of my customers, it was GREAT stuff!). Now I had alot of inventory that wasn't going to sell and debt. I put half of that debt on a zero percent credit card. I told him to pay that off and when it was done, we would transfer the other half. Great plan, if you pay the bill on time. My husband was late with a payment and the APR went up somewhere over 20%. We were never going to pay this off.
I came up with a new plan. We borrowed from my husband's retirement. It's his money going in there so we could borrow it and just pay it back over 5 years, no problem. We got the loan, I assumed things were fine. Well, come to find out, my husband put that money in a bank account and paid our bills monthly until it ran out. The whole point was to pay off those bills so we would only have the loan payment. I made that abundantly clear. It's like his brain could not compute this simple fact. If he had paid the debt, he would not need a stash of cash to make sure we could meet our bills every month. I did not find out that he had done this until about four years into the loan payback. So now we are paying the loan, paying the debt and the hole is getting deeper.
Now, I decided we need to get a home equity loan and get this resolved once and for all. I explained how we would get the loan, I would SIT WITH HIM while he wrote out the checks and we would finish this. I have been telling him this for over a year. I have sat down calmly and explained how really this is our only option, I have screamed and berated him for not taking care of this with my last two plans, I have cried because I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall. He cannot see this is ruining us. Everything comes down to money in our lives. We have two paid off vehicles, our mortgage is ridiculously low and we can't do or buy anything.
My husband has been off on comp for almost a month now. He is not working any overtime. The noose is tightening. He approached me the other day and told me he was calling the bank to get a home equity loan. He said he always felt more secure before having savings in the bank but now he sees that if our credit cards were paid off he wouldn't need that stash to make sure our bills are paid. He also realizes he could build savings more quickly if he didn't have so much money going out every month. After I picked my jaw up off the floor, all I could do was stare silently at him. Really? He was saying all of this to me like he was just sitting on the couch and came to this revelation. My first reaction was pure joy. This nightmare was finally going to be over. Like an alcoholic, he had to come to this decision on his own.
My second reaction, pure rage. We have been living in Hell, literally for years now because he is always stressed, always pinching a penny, always telling the kids no and that they have to use their own money for everything. We NEVER go out, ever. I can make a meal out of anything I have in this house. My grocery bill is around $25 a week to feed a family of four because I can create a meal out of thin air. I have done everything in my power to ease his burden and I have lived in sheer hell. I don't sleep, I eat compulsively, I am shakey inside because we have this problem and I can not get him to see his way out of it. I wanted to help him but he would not let me.
Ironically, we have applied for the loan. My credit is excellent, my husband's is above average. His embarrassment and shame was the reason he never sought help. He didn't want anyone to see he had messed up. When his brother died he paid all of our bills late, every month. He couldn't cope. Instead of asking for help, he stayed in the catch up mode for years. He didn't take my advice when I tried to offer it. Again, I think it was a pride thing. He was supposed to be taking care of his family and he was going to do it his way. I don't know what our debt is. Even when I was signing the papers I didn't look. Since my husband would consider owing ANY money shameful it could be anything. I don't care at this point. I just know I will be writing out the checks this time. The blinders will be off and I am taking control of this, even if I have to wrestle him to the floor for the pen. This is over.
Can I forgive him though? Yes, I agreed to stay in a union with this man for better or worse, till death do us part but can I stay in a relationship where I have no voice? How much is too much? I want to be married to one man until I die. I don't want to start over in my 40's. Do you have any idea how much dieting, working out and waxing that would require? I would have to hunt again and let's face it, I've been married a long time, I'm not exactly at my fighting weight. I have told him and told him how to fix this and I was ignored. I couldn't MAKE him do it. I did tell him I was calling the bank and we WERE getting the loan. I think that's why he finally did it, he knew it was happening with or without him and he wanted to be the one to say he solved it. I am patient. I am kind. Am I just crossing the line into pathetic if I stay? I do have some pride too.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Who Defines Perfect Anyway?
Yesterday on Facebook a friend put a link to a new ad for plus size models vs. regular models. The point was that women come in all sizes and the "plus" size model is actually more likely to be the woman you encounter in your own life and the "regular" models are borderline anorexic.
A few of us were commenting on the article and one friend from high school told how after her son was born she got down to a size 4. She had tons of stressful issues happening simultaneously and wanted to be "perfect." She wanted to be superwoman, able to handle it all and look fabulous while doing it. She received constant praise for looking so wonderful. Then her hair started falling out, she was chronically fatigued and miserable. She realized size 4 was not the place for her.
I think society has this image. Women can work, keep a perfect home, raise children who are stimulated and bright and cultured, be a loving wife and look good through it all. If you don't work your home should be extra perfect and your kids had better be extra smart. She said she put away the parenting magazines and got back to her reality.
I remember doing the same thing. My children are 15 months apart and when I say to you I had absolutely no idea what to do with my firstborn, I cannot say that emphatically enough. We got home from the hospital and I asked my husband if he knew what we were supposed to do with him. His reply was, "Didn't that mother instinct they talk about kick in? You're supposed to know what to do." I had nothing. I sat and wondered if I had some magical information that had somehow implanted itself into my being while I pushed out my 8 lb. bundle of joy into the world. Sadly, I felt the exact same as when I was a huge preganant woman eating ice cream from a bowl balanced precariously on my belly in the bathtub with a Dorito chaser. We were doomed.
I read voraciously. I was not messing up this kid because I was underprepared for his emergence into our lives. I was a stay at home mom, this was my JOB, I was going to be great at it. I fed him exactly on schedule, breastfeeding, rice cereal, baby food, solids, etc. I let him cry it out in his crib to "teach" him that's where he belonged. Go in after 5 minutes, "Mommy loves you," no contact, 10 minutes more of screaming, "Mommy loves you," no contact, 15 minutes....We did this forever it seemed. Eventually our precious pumpkin succumbed to his "teachings" and slept in that crib.
Fifteen months later his sister joined him. Now I had two kids. I couldn't have sibling rivalry. How was I going to make sure they each felt loved and special when I have two? I had to read more, I had to look to the experts and master this. I didn't want one of my kids growing up and venturing into society a homicidal maniac because I never had it right. I could see the news report, "I didn't want to kill that man but my mother always favored my brother. I felt insignificant and ignored so my anger snowballed into adulthood and it needed a release. Seventy seven stab wounds was not enough to vent the damage my mother did to me." Nuh-uh, not on my watch. I was NOT messing this up.
I renewed my subscriptions to all of the parenting magazines, bought more books on multiple child households. After my kids went to bed every night I read. Less than two years later, I was all wrong. Everything I had done with my first child was wrong. New studies showed NOT to let your baby cry to fall asleep, co-sleeping was all the rage. Five months was NOT the correct time to introduce cereal, it should be earlier. WHAT???? I've ruined my son. I had it all wrong. What was I going to do? How could I undo all of the damage I'd done? Me, his mother, had completely ruined him, at less than two years old I had messed him up for life.
I fretted, I stressed, I cried (that whole letting him cry in the crib thing was really hard!) and then I chucked my magazines. I ripped out fun projects or recipes and ignored all of the parenting advice. I breastfed my daughter in our bed, half asleep...GASP!...I carried her around like a chimp baby wrapped around my neck. At nine months old she was eating steak and potatoes with her two little teeth. She had zero interest in baby food and the Dr. told me as long as it wasn't too spicy to go for it and I did, with gusto. I had a toddler and an infant. At this point it was about survival and sanity.
You know what? They lived. They were smart in school, socially adjusted, well-mannered, loving, sweet kids. Trust me, I looked. I looked for the weak spot, the place where my God-complex messed them up, thinking I could raise them just because I birthed them. I still have not found it. They are sixteen and seventeen and still the sunshine in my day, every day. I dare an "expert" to have done a better job.
We don't have to be perfect. We have to love our kids and value them and treat them like human beings. We have to talk to them like we talk to our friends (so many times I find our friends get the best version of us while our family gets the psycho one) and let them know that we have expectations for their behavior. Noone is perfect, not us and not them. Perfection is sooo overrated anyway.
A few of us were commenting on the article and one friend from high school told how after her son was born she got down to a size 4. She had tons of stressful issues happening simultaneously and wanted to be "perfect." She wanted to be superwoman, able to handle it all and look fabulous while doing it. She received constant praise for looking so wonderful. Then her hair started falling out, she was chronically fatigued and miserable. She realized size 4 was not the place for her.
I think society has this image. Women can work, keep a perfect home, raise children who are stimulated and bright and cultured, be a loving wife and look good through it all. If you don't work your home should be extra perfect and your kids had better be extra smart. She said she put away the parenting magazines and got back to her reality.
I remember doing the same thing. My children are 15 months apart and when I say to you I had absolutely no idea what to do with my firstborn, I cannot say that emphatically enough. We got home from the hospital and I asked my husband if he knew what we were supposed to do with him. His reply was, "Didn't that mother instinct they talk about kick in? You're supposed to know what to do." I had nothing. I sat and wondered if I had some magical information that had somehow implanted itself into my being while I pushed out my 8 lb. bundle of joy into the world. Sadly, I felt the exact same as when I was a huge preganant woman eating ice cream from a bowl balanced precariously on my belly in the bathtub with a Dorito chaser. We were doomed.
I read voraciously. I was not messing up this kid because I was underprepared for his emergence into our lives. I was a stay at home mom, this was my JOB, I was going to be great at it. I fed him exactly on schedule, breastfeeding, rice cereal, baby food, solids, etc. I let him cry it out in his crib to "teach" him that's where he belonged. Go in after 5 minutes, "Mommy loves you," no contact, 10 minutes more of screaming, "Mommy loves you," no contact, 15 minutes....We did this forever it seemed. Eventually our precious pumpkin succumbed to his "teachings" and slept in that crib.
Fifteen months later his sister joined him. Now I had two kids. I couldn't have sibling rivalry. How was I going to make sure they each felt loved and special when I have two? I had to read more, I had to look to the experts and master this. I didn't want one of my kids growing up and venturing into society a homicidal maniac because I never had it right. I could see the news report, "I didn't want to kill that man but my mother always favored my brother. I felt insignificant and ignored so my anger snowballed into adulthood and it needed a release. Seventy seven stab wounds was not enough to vent the damage my mother did to me." Nuh-uh, not on my watch. I was NOT messing this up.
I renewed my subscriptions to all of the parenting magazines, bought more books on multiple child households. After my kids went to bed every night I read. Less than two years later, I was all wrong. Everything I had done with my first child was wrong. New studies showed NOT to let your baby cry to fall asleep, co-sleeping was all the rage. Five months was NOT the correct time to introduce cereal, it should be earlier. WHAT???? I've ruined my son. I had it all wrong. What was I going to do? How could I undo all of the damage I'd done? Me, his mother, had completely ruined him, at less than two years old I had messed him up for life.
I fretted, I stressed, I cried (that whole letting him cry in the crib thing was really hard!) and then I chucked my magazines. I ripped out fun projects or recipes and ignored all of the parenting advice. I breastfed my daughter in our bed, half asleep...GASP!...I carried her around like a chimp baby wrapped around my neck. At nine months old she was eating steak and potatoes with her two little teeth. She had zero interest in baby food and the Dr. told me as long as it wasn't too spicy to go for it and I did, with gusto. I had a toddler and an infant. At this point it was about survival and sanity.
You know what? They lived. They were smart in school, socially adjusted, well-mannered, loving, sweet kids. Trust me, I looked. I looked for the weak spot, the place where my God-complex messed them up, thinking I could raise them just because I birthed them. I still have not found it. They are sixteen and seventeen and still the sunshine in my day, every day. I dare an "expert" to have done a better job.
We don't have to be perfect. We have to love our kids and value them and treat them like human beings. We have to talk to them like we talk to our friends (so many times I find our friends get the best version of us while our family gets the psycho one) and let them know that we have expectations for their behavior. Noone is perfect, not us and not them. Perfection is sooo overrated anyway.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Mirror, Mirror
I'm a stress eater. I wish I could be that woman who gets stressed out and can't eat a thing. You know the one who goes through a divorce and 3 weeks into the process has dropped 25 lbs. Alas, this is not me.
I'm the grazer. I'm the woman who goes through stressful situations and constantly shoves anything into my head all day long just for something to do. I'm the gal who medicates herself with wine and hopes to get to that blank place; the "flat" place where nothing matters and all of the emotions level out. For me, that's usually glass two, anything after that is really cake. I don't like to "feel" too much. I don't like to be uber-aware of my emotions and be in touch with them. That would require action, action I am too lazy to follow through with.
I'm not a big person. I'm a size 8. I have been a size 8 for as long as I can remember. If there is a size 6 on clearance for a low enough price, they come home too. They also fit but I would never dare to buy my wardrobe ONLY in a size 6...that would leave me absolutely NO wiggle room. Eight is my comfort zone. I'm so depressed about my weight. I've only ever weighed this much when I was pregnant. Even though my size hasn't changed my weight has gone up. I'm losing my mind over it. It consumes me. Every waking minute of every day is spent thinking about how huge I am. Every thought in my head comes back to, "well, if you weren't such a giant cow maybe your marriage would be a happy one." "Of course your husband has no desire for you, you're repulsive." It never fails. I look in the mirror and see a giant, wrinkled vague resemblance to the girl I used to be. I am dismayed and heartbroken every time.
I KNOW this is insane. I KNOW this is unhealthy but it's like a train barreling down the track and I am powerless to stop the momentum. I can tell you my weight at every milestone throughout my entire life. Eighth grade- 84 lbs. I know this because I remember the summer going into ninth grade being at the beach in a lounge chair thinking I will probably be over 100 lbs in high school. When I went to college I was 111 lbs. After one week, I was 106. I could NOT get on board with the food. End of freshman year, 134 lbs. I COULD, however, get on board with the partying.
This body obsession is nothing new for me but couple it with the intense dysfunction I am living and it's almost unbearable. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I normally work out every day (I know some of the weight is muscle as when I weighed so little I had ZERO muscle tone) but lately it's hit or miss. I walk the dog every day without fail but some days that's as good as it gets. I know I will feel better if I get those endorphins pumping. I know I will feel better if I give my body the nutritious food it craves rather than the "food" man has created. I KNOW all of this yet I cannot put it into action.
Since this seems to be the week for me to do rather than think, I will make it my mission to really turn things around. I want to be healthy. I feel better when I am strong and thin. I need to do it for me though. I do not need to do this for anyone's approval or acceptance. I really think that's the difference. Lately I'm so worried about others' opinions of me that I've lost my own in the process. I never in my life thought about what another person thought of my size. Perhaps I have just hit upon the key to my success...it's all about me.
I'm the grazer. I'm the woman who goes through stressful situations and constantly shoves anything into my head all day long just for something to do. I'm the gal who medicates herself with wine and hopes to get to that blank place; the "flat" place where nothing matters and all of the emotions level out. For me, that's usually glass two, anything after that is really cake. I don't like to "feel" too much. I don't like to be uber-aware of my emotions and be in touch with them. That would require action, action I am too lazy to follow through with.
I'm not a big person. I'm a size 8. I have been a size 8 for as long as I can remember. If there is a size 6 on clearance for a low enough price, they come home too. They also fit but I would never dare to buy my wardrobe ONLY in a size 6...that would leave me absolutely NO wiggle room. Eight is my comfort zone. I'm so depressed about my weight. I've only ever weighed this much when I was pregnant. Even though my size hasn't changed my weight has gone up. I'm losing my mind over it. It consumes me. Every waking minute of every day is spent thinking about how huge I am. Every thought in my head comes back to, "well, if you weren't such a giant cow maybe your marriage would be a happy one." "Of course your husband has no desire for you, you're repulsive." It never fails. I look in the mirror and see a giant, wrinkled vague resemblance to the girl I used to be. I am dismayed and heartbroken every time.
I KNOW this is insane. I KNOW this is unhealthy but it's like a train barreling down the track and I am powerless to stop the momentum. I can tell you my weight at every milestone throughout my entire life. Eighth grade- 84 lbs. I know this because I remember the summer going into ninth grade being at the beach in a lounge chair thinking I will probably be over 100 lbs in high school. When I went to college I was 111 lbs. After one week, I was 106. I could NOT get on board with the food. End of freshman year, 134 lbs. I COULD, however, get on board with the partying.
This body obsession is nothing new for me but couple it with the intense dysfunction I am living and it's almost unbearable. I want to lose weight. I want to be healthy. I normally work out every day (I know some of the weight is muscle as when I weighed so little I had ZERO muscle tone) but lately it's hit or miss. I walk the dog every day without fail but some days that's as good as it gets. I know I will feel better if I get those endorphins pumping. I know I will feel better if I give my body the nutritious food it craves rather than the "food" man has created. I KNOW all of this yet I cannot put it into action.
Since this seems to be the week for me to do rather than think, I will make it my mission to really turn things around. I want to be healthy. I feel better when I am strong and thin. I need to do it for me though. I do not need to do this for anyone's approval or acceptance. I really think that's the difference. Lately I'm so worried about others' opinions of me that I've lost my own in the process. I never in my life thought about what another person thought of my size. Perhaps I have just hit upon the key to my success...it's all about me.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Is That A Tear I See?
The night I decided I needed to start this blog I was laying on a pillow on my husband's lap. He was sitting on the couch and I put a pillow on his lap and was facing him just talking about the fact that I felt I needed an outlet. I've kept journals, lots of journals, but somehow writing something and stuffing it in a drawer doesn't feel like I'm dealing. It feels like more repressing.
I was explaining how I really don't feel any viable outlet for my problems. We all have problems and I tend to be the person trying to solve everyone else's (see why that Phd would have worked?). I do share mine with a couple of friends but it's very superficial. We don't get into it. Part of that is the fact that they all seem to have problems that far outweigh my petty issues and part is that I just want to figure all of this out on my own. I want to make sure that whatever decisions I make about my life, I have decided, with no influences. If I make them I will not question nor regret them. I tend to go round and round with my ranting but nothing gets closer to resolved. Of course, we all need to vent so I do appreciate the fact that I have a few friends I can really trust with the crazy and know that they have my best interests at heart and will not betray me.
My husband said he thought it was a good idea. He told me that he cannot describe me. He's been off on comp for almost a month now so he's been home all day, every day. He said no matter what time the phone rings and what problems are on the other end, I answer it and try to listen/help whoever calls. Then he said if you're not on the phone you are messaging with someone on the computer who's having a bad day trying to help them. He said he knows that I have always put the kids and him first. Every decision I've ever made, I decide how it will affect the kids, how it will affect him and then how it will affect me. He told me he doesn't know how I put everyone, everytime in front of me.
Then he told me that I'm so special. He said he didn't have the words to describe me but there is something so unique about me...my selflessness, my ability to listen endlessly to the same problems and try to help, my love for everyone in my life is so abundant. He said he looks at other mothers and thanks God every day that I am the mother of his children, that he loves the way I treat them and the people they are becoming and he knows that is all because of me. He said I am so patient with him and that I should have left him years ago because he's crazy and a loser and he doesn't deserve me; that I could do so much better and would be so much happier. He doesn't know why I've put up with him for as long as I have and that there is noone he's ever met like me.
As he was saying all of this there were two little tears, one from each eye that trailed down each cheek. This is the first conversation we have had in years where I feel like we were communicating, really on the same page. I felt like under the blank robot my husband has become the man I fell in love with still exists. I saw the exterior start to thaw and the loving sweet guy I adored start to emerge. My joy was boundless. He loves me. He still loves me. I, of course, did not let this show because our relationship is so dysfunctional at this point that it's like a military strategy every day. I don't let him see a break in my defenses and he doesn't let me see his. I have so many defense mechanisms in place at this point, I wasn't sure I could feel anything except for anger and sorrow. I've worked long and hard to make sure of that. He tells me he loves me all of the time but they were empty words, words with nothing behind them. I have expressed that sentiment to him repeatedly. What comes out of his mouth and his actions are at such odds with eachother that I find it impossible to believe anything.
If just describing me can make him feel such emotion that he would tear up there has got to be hope right? If we get the rest of our lives in place can we still be that happy couple we were so many years ago? I'm afraid to let myself feel, I've spent so long putting up the shell to make myself invincible to feeling but I'm so afraid to not let myself try one last time. If I let myself be honest, without the walls up, I'm pretty sure I'm still crazy about this guy.
I was explaining how I really don't feel any viable outlet for my problems. We all have problems and I tend to be the person trying to solve everyone else's (see why that Phd would have worked?). I do share mine with a couple of friends but it's very superficial. We don't get into it. Part of that is the fact that they all seem to have problems that far outweigh my petty issues and part is that I just want to figure all of this out on my own. I want to make sure that whatever decisions I make about my life, I have decided, with no influences. If I make them I will not question nor regret them. I tend to go round and round with my ranting but nothing gets closer to resolved. Of course, we all need to vent so I do appreciate the fact that I have a few friends I can really trust with the crazy and know that they have my best interests at heart and will not betray me.
My husband said he thought it was a good idea. He told me that he cannot describe me. He's been off on comp for almost a month now so he's been home all day, every day. He said no matter what time the phone rings and what problems are on the other end, I answer it and try to listen/help whoever calls. Then he said if you're not on the phone you are messaging with someone on the computer who's having a bad day trying to help them. He said he knows that I have always put the kids and him first. Every decision I've ever made, I decide how it will affect the kids, how it will affect him and then how it will affect me. He told me he doesn't know how I put everyone, everytime in front of me.
Then he told me that I'm so special. He said he didn't have the words to describe me but there is something so unique about me...my selflessness, my ability to listen endlessly to the same problems and try to help, my love for everyone in my life is so abundant. He said he looks at other mothers and thanks God every day that I am the mother of his children, that he loves the way I treat them and the people they are becoming and he knows that is all because of me. He said I am so patient with him and that I should have left him years ago because he's crazy and a loser and he doesn't deserve me; that I could do so much better and would be so much happier. He doesn't know why I've put up with him for as long as I have and that there is noone he's ever met like me.
As he was saying all of this there were two little tears, one from each eye that trailed down each cheek. This is the first conversation we have had in years where I feel like we were communicating, really on the same page. I felt like under the blank robot my husband has become the man I fell in love with still exists. I saw the exterior start to thaw and the loving sweet guy I adored start to emerge. My joy was boundless. He loves me. He still loves me. I, of course, did not let this show because our relationship is so dysfunctional at this point that it's like a military strategy every day. I don't let him see a break in my defenses and he doesn't let me see his. I have so many defense mechanisms in place at this point, I wasn't sure I could feel anything except for anger and sorrow. I've worked long and hard to make sure of that. He tells me he loves me all of the time but they were empty words, words with nothing behind them. I have expressed that sentiment to him repeatedly. What comes out of his mouth and his actions are at such odds with eachother that I find it impossible to believe anything.
If just describing me can make him feel such emotion that he would tear up there has got to be hope right? If we get the rest of our lives in place can we still be that happy couple we were so many years ago? I'm afraid to let myself feel, I've spent so long putting up the shell to make myself invincible to feeling but I'm so afraid to not let myself try one last time. If I let myself be honest, without the walls up, I'm pretty sure I'm still crazy about this guy.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
My Dad's Eulogy
Today's post got me thinking about my dad. Thought I would share the eulogy I wrote and delivered at his funeral. A greater man I have never known. There are so many days I want to talk to him or know his comfort. I know he is in my heart. I talk to him all the time and although it's impossible I know he still guides me. In some strange, ethereal way, he still fathers me.
Saint Augustine said, "No eulogy is due to him who simply does his duty and nothing more." Though my father lived simply, he certainly did far more than just his duty.
When I began thinking about what I wanted to say about my dad, I gradually came to the realization that his life was a repetitive process of building something from very little.
He was born to Hungarian immigrants who came to this country to build upon the foundation they had as a family. My father's mother died when he was young and the entire family pulled together to make ends meet. Even at the tender age of 9, my dad went out to pick beans to help earn money to contribute to the family. Though this was not unusual in the era he grew up in, it began his lifelong commitment to getting a job done. He was not a procrastinator and when something needed to be fixed or taken care of it was done immediately. I am sure all of our husbands are very thankful that this set the precedent for our expectations from the men in our lives. I believe no matter how hard they work they will never catch up with what we believed our father capable of.
This commitment to duty and selflessness continued when his country called upon him to serve in the Second World War. He and his two brothers, Mike and Stephen, enlisted and served until honorably discharged. Our father was a radioman in the air force and saw much of Europe while fighting in the war. He looked upon every opportunity he had as a learning experience and though he did not have a long formal education his vast knowledge was evident to anyone who ever had the good fortune to have a conversation with him.
I believe my father's most altruistic act was when he married our mother. I'm not sure what kind of man meets a woman with seven children and doesn't run but our father was him. Again, he took a fragmented unit that our mother was struggling to keep together and built upon that foundation. He became our rock and the person we could run our problems by first. He possessed a certain calmness and rational thinking that was helpful before presenting the problems to mom. I think we can all agree she wasn't always as understanding.
Our father loved to cook and host family holidays and get-togethers with friends. His cooking was a process of taking little bits of nothing and combining them into something substantial and wonderful. Though putting a meal together seems the most mundane of chores, he created recipes and traditions that we all use and will pass down to our own children. Being all together was the real benefit of his wonderful meals.
He spent 37 years as a longshoreman where he took a simple job and made it a career. He was admired and respected by the men and women he worked with. He was never judgmental or pretentious and his co-workers respected him because he earned it not because he was owed it.
Anyone who knew our father will attest to his passion for golf. Though he did not even take up the game until around his 50th birthday, it was his joy. I'm not sure whether all of the time and effort he devoted to the game ever paid off though. Every time he got home from the course mom would ask, "How'd ya hit 'em?" The response was always , "Meza, Meza--half good, half bad."
This half-good, half-bad philosophy held true for other aspects of my father's life. Along with the good times our father faced cancer not once but twice in his lifetime. He did not wallow in self-pity or look upon it as a death sentence. He calmly found out what he needed to do and proceeded to do it. He was courageous at a time when most fall apart. He faced adversity with resolve and continued on with life. It was this kind of attitude which made our father's life so full and worthwhile. It was knowing that in the big scheme of things, when God needed him he would go and until then he would squeeze the most out of every day.
Hermann Broch said, "No one's death comes to pass without making some impression, and those close to to the deceased inherit part of the liberated soul and become richer in their humaneness."
That's us. We, each one of us, have a responsibility. A responsibility to live our lives as our father did. There was something unique and special about our father that made people want to be around him. That was a gift. A gift we can all possess, by living our lives more simply, non-judgmentally, more humbly. By living the way God wants us to live-striving to always be kinder, more patient, more understanding and humane.
Some people leave this world with a lot of fanfare and pomp. Our father left the way he lived; with a quiet dignity and an acceptance of the inevitable but he left behind his wisdom, his strength and his goodness in each person who was lucky enough to know him.
I leave you with these words by Henry Van Dyke.
I am standing upon the seashore
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts
For the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength
I stand and watch her until at length
She hangs like a speck of white cloud
Just where the sea and sky come
To mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
And spar as she was when she left my side
And she is just as able to bear her
Load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone
At my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming
And other voices ready to take up the glad
Shout,
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Saint Augustine said, "No eulogy is due to him who simply does his duty and nothing more." Though my father lived simply, he certainly did far more than just his duty.
When I began thinking about what I wanted to say about my dad, I gradually came to the realization that his life was a repetitive process of building something from very little.
He was born to Hungarian immigrants who came to this country to build upon the foundation they had as a family. My father's mother died when he was young and the entire family pulled together to make ends meet. Even at the tender age of 9, my dad went out to pick beans to help earn money to contribute to the family. Though this was not unusual in the era he grew up in, it began his lifelong commitment to getting a job done. He was not a procrastinator and when something needed to be fixed or taken care of it was done immediately. I am sure all of our husbands are very thankful that this set the precedent for our expectations from the men in our lives. I believe no matter how hard they work they will never catch up with what we believed our father capable of.
This commitment to duty and selflessness continued when his country called upon him to serve in the Second World War. He and his two brothers, Mike and Stephen, enlisted and served until honorably discharged. Our father was a radioman in the air force and saw much of Europe while fighting in the war. He looked upon every opportunity he had as a learning experience and though he did not have a long formal education his vast knowledge was evident to anyone who ever had the good fortune to have a conversation with him.
I believe my father's most altruistic act was when he married our mother. I'm not sure what kind of man meets a woman with seven children and doesn't run but our father was him. Again, he took a fragmented unit that our mother was struggling to keep together and built upon that foundation. He became our rock and the person we could run our problems by first. He possessed a certain calmness and rational thinking that was helpful before presenting the problems to mom. I think we can all agree she wasn't always as understanding.
Our father loved to cook and host family holidays and get-togethers with friends. His cooking was a process of taking little bits of nothing and combining them into something substantial and wonderful. Though putting a meal together seems the most mundane of chores, he created recipes and traditions that we all use and will pass down to our own children. Being all together was the real benefit of his wonderful meals.
He spent 37 years as a longshoreman where he took a simple job and made it a career. He was admired and respected by the men and women he worked with. He was never judgmental or pretentious and his co-workers respected him because he earned it not because he was owed it.
Anyone who knew our father will attest to his passion for golf. Though he did not even take up the game until around his 50th birthday, it was his joy. I'm not sure whether all of the time and effort he devoted to the game ever paid off though. Every time he got home from the course mom would ask, "How'd ya hit 'em?" The response was always , "Meza, Meza--half good, half bad."
This half-good, half-bad philosophy held true for other aspects of my father's life. Along with the good times our father faced cancer not once but twice in his lifetime. He did not wallow in self-pity or look upon it as a death sentence. He calmly found out what he needed to do and proceeded to do it. He was courageous at a time when most fall apart. He faced adversity with resolve and continued on with life. It was this kind of attitude which made our father's life so full and worthwhile. It was knowing that in the big scheme of things, when God needed him he would go and until then he would squeeze the most out of every day.
Hermann Broch said, "No one's death comes to pass without making some impression, and those close to to the deceased inherit part of the liberated soul and become richer in their humaneness."
That's us. We, each one of us, have a responsibility. A responsibility to live our lives as our father did. There was something unique and special about our father that made people want to be around him. That was a gift. A gift we can all possess, by living our lives more simply, non-judgmentally, more humbly. By living the way God wants us to live-striving to always be kinder, more patient, more understanding and humane.
Some people leave this world with a lot of fanfare and pomp. Our father left the way he lived; with a quiet dignity and an acceptance of the inevitable but he left behind his wisdom, his strength and his goodness in each person who was lucky enough to know him.
I leave you with these words by Henry Van Dyke.
I am standing upon the seashore
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts
For the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength
I stand and watch her until at length
She hangs like a speck of white cloud
Just where the sea and sky come
To mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says;
"There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?"
Gone from my sight. That is all.
She is just as large in mast and hull
And spar as she was when she left my side
And she is just as able to bear her
Load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.
And just at the moment when someone
At my side says, "There, she is gone!"
There are other eyes watching her coming
And other voices ready to take up the glad
Shout,
"Here she comes!"
And that is dying.
Awfully Whiny Aren't We?
Remember I mentioned the crazy mind? I'm only three days into this and I'm doubting. I feel like I'm complaining. I feel egotistical and I DON'T feel happy and witty and gay.
Isn't that the point? This is my place to vent. This is the place where those little truths will be disclosed, eventually. The ones that float on the fringe of my consciousness; the very ones that I'm always so afraid to give a voice to because they will become real.
Don't get me wrong, I know my reality. I just know that at the moment I give voice to it I have to deal with it. No more pretending it will go away without address. No more waiting for the skies to clear and the sun to shine just because I wish it. I'm an apathetic person but I'm not a stupid one. I realize that in order to have the life I want I have to make it happen. No one can give me it. I am in control of my destiny and I make or break it. 2011 was a year of thought for me. Who am I? What would my life be like without all of these constrictions? If my first concern wasn't always not rocking the boat so that my children stay the great kids they are and continue to thrive what would I be doing? The picture in my head is very different from my reality.
The saddest part is, by fretting about keeping everything the way it should be in order to keep my kids happy, I was creating a war zone. I usually just chug along. I can repress like nobody's business. However, the more I thought, the more I realized I'm invisible. My husband could prop me in a corner and dust me off once a month and he wouldn't even miss me. We have issues, SERIOUS issues and I have been trying to help solve them for over five years now. It's like I don't speak. He looks at me with such a look of disgust and then completely ignores me. I'm a stay at home mom. I'm not uneducated. I do have valuable opinions and ideas that can actually help benefit our family. I would never suggest something that would hurt us. Do you have any idea how it feels to be the matriarch of a family, half of a couple and have absolutely no say in the destiny of that unit? I think I was going insane, literally.
I couldn't repress any more. I wanted to hurt him like I was being hurt. I spoke to him so hurtfully and with absolutely no respect. It was only a matter of time before the children began to emulate me. In my attempt to keep this family together I was keeping us all tightly packed into the dysfunction that had become our reality. Our communication with one another was something I cannot begin to describe. The kids and I were on one team and my husband was the enemy. I would never intentionally turn my kids against my husband. My father was my hero, the sun rose and set in that man and I want my children to feel the same about their dad. Kids are so much more aware than we ever give them credit for. They saw the change in the way I was acting and I think they gathered around me like a pack and guarded me with ferocity. They sensed my pain and anger and reacted to the source. I saw it happening, I didn't like it and yet I didn't have the energy to stop it.
Ending a marriage is so scary. How do I support myself? I haven't had a full-time job and supported myself since I was 24. Can I do it? How do I leave his family who has become mine? Who gets the friends? Do we each take two cats and one dog? How about the rabbit? Is it mine because I'm the only one who knows it exists? My kids are perfect. I know, I know, cue the eye roll but I cannot say that enough. When I had these kids I never knew they would be such a joy. I envisioned terrible toddler tantrums and tumultuous teens. They've been none of that. They crack me up, literally. They are witty and my daughter has a heart that could swallow up the Grand Canyon. My son loves to start political debates and argue the opposition. We discuss things that matter. I can actually have more intellectual conversations with him than I can with half of the adults I know. Will ending my marriage change them? Will staying change them more?
There was an incident and I was done. It was the wake-up call that I'd been needing. That's another post for another day but suffice to say, things were going to change from that point on because living in anger and fear is like not living at all.
Isn't that the point? This is my place to vent. This is the place where those little truths will be disclosed, eventually. The ones that float on the fringe of my consciousness; the very ones that I'm always so afraid to give a voice to because they will become real.
Don't get me wrong, I know my reality. I just know that at the moment I give voice to it I have to deal with it. No more pretending it will go away without address. No more waiting for the skies to clear and the sun to shine just because I wish it. I'm an apathetic person but I'm not a stupid one. I realize that in order to have the life I want I have to make it happen. No one can give me it. I am in control of my destiny and I make or break it. 2011 was a year of thought for me. Who am I? What would my life be like without all of these constrictions? If my first concern wasn't always not rocking the boat so that my children stay the great kids they are and continue to thrive what would I be doing? The picture in my head is very different from my reality.
The saddest part is, by fretting about keeping everything the way it should be in order to keep my kids happy, I was creating a war zone. I usually just chug along. I can repress like nobody's business. However, the more I thought, the more I realized I'm invisible. My husband could prop me in a corner and dust me off once a month and he wouldn't even miss me. We have issues, SERIOUS issues and I have been trying to help solve them for over five years now. It's like I don't speak. He looks at me with such a look of disgust and then completely ignores me. I'm a stay at home mom. I'm not uneducated. I do have valuable opinions and ideas that can actually help benefit our family. I would never suggest something that would hurt us. Do you have any idea how it feels to be the matriarch of a family, half of a couple and have absolutely no say in the destiny of that unit? I think I was going insane, literally.
I couldn't repress any more. I wanted to hurt him like I was being hurt. I spoke to him so hurtfully and with absolutely no respect. It was only a matter of time before the children began to emulate me. In my attempt to keep this family together I was keeping us all tightly packed into the dysfunction that had become our reality. Our communication with one another was something I cannot begin to describe. The kids and I were on one team and my husband was the enemy. I would never intentionally turn my kids against my husband. My father was my hero, the sun rose and set in that man and I want my children to feel the same about their dad. Kids are so much more aware than we ever give them credit for. They saw the change in the way I was acting and I think they gathered around me like a pack and guarded me with ferocity. They sensed my pain and anger and reacted to the source. I saw it happening, I didn't like it and yet I didn't have the energy to stop it.
Ending a marriage is so scary. How do I support myself? I haven't had a full-time job and supported myself since I was 24. Can I do it? How do I leave his family who has become mine? Who gets the friends? Do we each take two cats and one dog? How about the rabbit? Is it mine because I'm the only one who knows it exists? My kids are perfect. I know, I know, cue the eye roll but I cannot say that enough. When I had these kids I never knew they would be such a joy. I envisioned terrible toddler tantrums and tumultuous teens. They've been none of that. They crack me up, literally. They are witty and my daughter has a heart that could swallow up the Grand Canyon. My son loves to start political debates and argue the opposition. We discuss things that matter. I can actually have more intellectual conversations with him than I can with half of the adults I know. Will ending my marriage change them? Will staying change them more?
There was an incident and I was done. It was the wake-up call that I'd been needing. That's another post for another day but suffice to say, things were going to change from that point on because living in anger and fear is like not living at all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)