Pity Party, Table For One

Warning:  If you do not want to read an endless rant of self-pity, look away now.  There will be no positive spin on things.  There will be no evolved self-inspection.  There will be no reason or thought, just a miserable list of things I hate.

I am exhausted by my life.  Wake up, work out, clean house, walk dog, do laundry, fix meals, organize everyone's lives, go to bed, rinse, repeat.  I am not physically exhausted.  Let's face it, I could be a monkey and do what I do.  I am mentally exhausted by the monotony and boredom of it.  I am sick and tired of keeping track of schedules that never have one single thing on them for me.  Just for me.

Perhaps if I had a loving, happy relationship I would find more satisfaction in my life but that is NOT going to happen.  I know that now.  Any delusions I had of this marriage are just that.  I am sick to death of trying to find some shred of anything to hang onto and weave back into a marriage.  It is completely one-sided and at this point, stupid.  Again, yesterday my husband said something about how he treats me with respect and talks nicely to me and it is ALL me creating the drama.  UGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He is crazy.  I'm not being sarcastic here.  The dude is mentally ill.  I am married to someone who belongs in a psych center and I am trying to stay married to him and find happiness.  I take that back.  I am crazy.  I am beyond crazy.  I have crossed over into an area that is not in any psychological journal at this point.  How can I expect him to change his behavior when he will not acknowledge said behavior?  Oh that's right Kir, you can't!!

In his mind, he is a victim.  He is a man who married a woman who is a witch and he must suffer his private Hell in silence.  If I'm such a shrew, why wouldn't he just want to divorce me?  Lord knows, I've asked for one enough.  Why would he want to stay married to me until we die if I am so unbearable?  The worst part of this is, I have given everything I have to this family.  I have given more than I ever thought was even in my being to make everyone around me happy.  He discredits that fact every time he says something stupid.

Now I have an opinion and a voice and I'm a witch?  I see.  I am supposed to sit and suffer in silence and never express any discontent.  I am supposed to be thankful for a life which is so much worse than anything I could have conjured up in my worst nightmares.  I am a prisoner.  I can have no friends.  I am isolated from my family by distance and lack of funds to bridge that distance.  I can't go out.  I can't even go to the grocery store.  I have no car.  I have no money.  I have nothing but a desire to not give in to a life which is sucking me under more with every day that passes.

I am so mentally drained that I can't even implement a plan to get myself out of the mess I'm in.  I KNOW I can do it.  I know I HAVE to do it.  I just can't move.  It is taking every ounce of energy I have to drag myself out of bed every day and try to function.  To have this stupid moron tell me that the reason we are unhappy is MY fault is more than I can handle right now.

It's my fault he's miserable?  It's my fault he's a financial idiot?  It's my fault he has a disgusted ugly look on his face every day he is around us?  It's my fault he has no sex-drive?  It's my fault he can't even figure out his wife may want to be shown she is loved in other ways?  It's my fault he can't handle raising his own children and provide for them?  It's my fault that his idea of a good time is sitting at his parents house?  It's my fault he's already an old man?  It's my fault that everything intellectually challenges him because his brain cannot grasp the most basic concepts?  It's my fault the only place he can laugh and be happy is at work?  It's my fault that he is CONSTANTLY texting and talking to guys from work all day every day?  It's my fault he has no clue how to have a relationship with his kids?  It's my fault he is losing his wife and the only thing he can think of to resolve that is to blame her and push her away faster and further?

Fine.  I have broad shoulders.  I can handle the blame.  If this is his plan, that he is going to blame me when this is over, I can live with that.  The scariest part of this is, I always tell him, someday when he is alone and quiet in his mind, he is going to realize the truth.  He is going to realize that I gave him every opportunity to keep me.  He is going to realize it is ALL his fault.  I have never had any desire to leave my husband.  I never wanted to be a divorced woman.  He is going to realize that the way to deal with these issues when I brought them up would have been to have conversations and come up with solutions.  Not to say, "YOU do this and the kids will see the truth someday."  What truth?  They live here.  I take complete ownership of my bad behavior.  I acknowledge it and tell him I don't like it and want it to end.  The only one living in a lie is him.  Sadly, I think he is the type of man who even when he is alone, he will continue to believe the lies he has created.  He will never evolve or grow up.

I am done.

Can You Be Too Laid Back?

My son is going to junior prom on Saturday.  I'm thrilled.  He was the type of kid who, once he got to high school, stopped going to dances.  He loved them in middle school so this bummed me out.  All of a sudden he had no interest and I worried that he was losing his enthusiasm for school events.  He went to Homecoming this year and now is attending prom so maybe he just needed to find his groove.

I asked and asked if he was going.  For months I got the same response, "I don't know."  About two weeks ago he told me he had found a date and was going.  Of course, the next logical question was when prom was being held.  Again, "I don't know."

By the time he told us the date, I was not a happy camper.  There was a little matter of a tuxedo and a corsage, etc.  I don't remember my prom (and NO I was not drunk).  I have very few memories of my life.  I have no idea why that is.  I remember who I went with.  I remember what I wore but I have NO solid memory of the event.  I don't have any memory of the venue or if I danced or had fun.  I'm sure I did.  I went with a friend from work and he was a nice guy so I'm sure I enjoyed myself.  I just can't tell you one specific thing about the night.

I do, however, remember it was a big deal getting ready for it.  There was a gown to buy and hair and make up and nails.  It wasn't like today where the girls spend a fortune going all over and having services but it was a bit of work, nonetheless.  When I expressed all of this to my son, in his typical fashion, he told me not to get stressed.  So easy to say.

He is an odd size.  He is still growing and very inbetween.  I knew that he was not going to walk into a tux rental shop and pull one off of the rack and be done.  Sure enough, I was right.  His tux was coming in Friday (day before prom).  If there were any problems, well, the store would have to deal with it.  Luckily the tux came in early.  We called last night because now there is a baseball scrimmage on Friday.  They tend to end late and I wasn't sure there would be time to get to the store and deal with any problems.  Saturday is long practice (not to mention the day of prom) so that wasn't an option.

He just doesn't think of these things.  I think it's because I make his life too easy.  If it needs to happen, it does.  He has no idea how hard some things are because he is just the recipient of the effort.  He rarely has to put any in.  I like the fact that he is so chill.  It certainly makes raising him easy.  He is not impulsive, he does not get emotional, he doesn't have a temper at all.  These are all lovely qualities with a boy because there has never been an issue with a friend or teacher or anybody.  He is easy going and therefore just rolls through life.

However, can he be too laid back?  Is he just apathetic now?  If mommy isn't running behind him in life will he ever get anything done?  He's a responsible boy.  He has never missed a homework assignment or turned in anything late.  He knows what he has to do with school and activities and gets it done.  I never even have to ask.  He has a 97.25 overall GPA at school and I have ZERO to do with that.  He must have some spark, right?

I imagine all moms worry about some characteristic of their children.  We know them so well.  We are programmed to stress about their well-being.  I always try to embrace their positive attributes and focus on that but this time he threw me for a loop.  It has been a whirl wind week with games and prom but I guess that's what being a parent is all about.  You can have a loose plan in place but expect changes in it because one thing I have learned about living with kids, it is anything but predictable.

Halfway There

Every morning I start my day with three Sun Salutations (yoga).  It's a great way to stretch out after sleeping all night and I just feel refreshed and ready to start the day.  I also give thanks for five things in my life and state one goal.  I find if I start my mind thinking positively before I get out of bed, I tend to follow suit.

Today's goal was to only do healthy things for my body.  I will only put nutritious food into it and I will give myself a good work out.  Yesterday, I only got in a walk.  I have a pinched nerve in my neck from an old injury and I think playing with the weight set in the garage on Sunday aggravated it.  Once I feel that familiar twinge, I have to play it safe or else it becomes debilitating.  I intended to get on the elliptical but one thing led to another and I blew it off.  So today, my health is my priority.

It occurred to me as I was stating this intention, that I have always done everything in my life "halfway."  I do some yoga, I work out every day but not to kill myself, I am fairly organized, I keep a decent home, I cook well but every night is not gourmet, I am intelligent but not too knowledgable on one thing.  I do things passably well and I tend to have ALOT of interests.  I do not, however, excel at anything.  Is this weird?  Don't people usually do something really well?

I think I am just one of those people who is content in the mediocre zone.  My mind is restless and therefore needs to always be stimulated by something new or exciting.  I am most happy when I am learning something or going somewhere different.  That is why my life so often makes no sense to me.

I am trying to find contentment in a life where I live as a recluse.  My every day life is in complete opposition to what excites me.  I read what I can and am always checking out something on the internet but every day of my life is so predictable, I could actually script it in the morning and it would actually play out exactly as written.  Maybe this is why I don't bring any enthusiasm to the table.  What's the point?

I think I want to pick something and run with it.  Maybe it will be my fitness.  Maybe I will see what this old body is capable of.  If I really put some effort into it what could I get my body to do for me?  Maybe I'll pick some crazy yoga pose and that will be my goal.  Maybe I'll try to build some major muscle all over.  Maybe I'll set a goal for running. 

I don't have alot of follow-through.  I start projects with loads of enthusiasm and it quickly wanes as something new and shiny catches my eye.  I wonder, if I really put my mind to it and set a goal what I could do.  I don't think I've ever even tried.  I have always said Oprah is a liar.  My forties are NOT the best time of my life.  In fact, I have yet to find ONE positive thing about them.  Maybe I need to put forth some effort and I will finally understand what she was talking about.  Maybe that will be my goal.

Stop Beating A Dead Horse

I'm a harpy, a fishwife, a shrew.  I cannot shut myself up.  I know I'm acting this way and am powerless to stop myself.  I am hoping by putting this in a concrete venue, I will acknowledge my behavior and rectify it.

Every conversation with my husband leads to an issue.  I cannot turn myself off.  Yesterday we needed to go get the kids some new summer clothes.  They grow.  They are only 17 and 16 and have not hit their "full size" yet.  I'm sorry about that.  I'm sorry that they cannot cooperate and just remain the same size and never need anything until they are adults and living on their own.  However, we are their parents and it IS our responsibility to clothe, feed and shelter them until adulthood happens.  I will never understand why my husband wanted children so desperately when he has never been able to grasp this simple concept.

We went to one store.  The shorts there did not fit my daughter right.  One size was too small.  The next size up was too big.  I am a woman.  I understand this.  Our clothing needs to "fit."  Men just pick out a waist size and the rest falls into place.  Our lives are not so simple.  We tend to spend alot of time in the gray areas.  He was not happy.  My daughter was so frustrated.  I had her try on EVERY style of short in the store.  I thought we were just choosing the wrong one.  No such luck.  I understood her frustration.  Summer is traumatic enough when we have to break out the skimpy clothing.  Having the clothes not fit right can start the season off on the wrong foot.

I suggested another store where I know the brands fit my daughter well.  My husband went to find a coupon at customer service.  They had none.  He was VERY unhappy at this point.  While my daughter was in the fitting room I asked him why our situation is still so dire.  We freed up a HUGE amount of money when we paid off our credit card bills yet our situation seems to have worsened.  He is even more frugal than ever.

I understand that we don't want to go on a free-for-all and waste money but we are talking necessities here.  My children need proper fitting clothing.  I can't stand it.  He ruins every outing with his foul attitude and miserable look on his face.  There is absolutely no joy in our lives when he is around us.  We try to stay positive and enjoy ourselves but he seems determined to ruin our day.  He walked away from me when I asked him what was going on with our money.  I told him in no uncertain terms NEVER to walk away from  me when I am asking a legitimate question.

Then I told him that he has yet to include me in our financial affairs so my asking questions was perfectly understandable.  Of course, I did not get an answer.  I got silence, the story of my life.  The routine is old and I'm done playing the same role.  It's time for a new cast of characters and another production because I've done all I can do with this show.

A conversation this morning led to me saying something about when I'm gone.  I told him we started as friends and that was all I wanted at this point.  To be amicable with one another and just be friends.  It is evident there is no hope for fixing my marriage and I'm trying to make the most of what is left.  He told me that will not happen because he WANTS me to stay and be married to him until we die.  I told him that he has had everything he WANTS up to this point with absolutely no effort on his part.  I have bent over backwards to make this man's life everything he could ever dream of with no reciprocity on his part.  Now I feel it is time for me to have the life I want.

I know why I'm doing this.  The logical part of me wants to just be quiet.  I want to go about my plans and just do what I have to do.  The other part, the dreamy girl, is still hopeful.  I'm throwing out the bait waiting for him to rise to the occasion.  I keep thinking he will take my opening and say the things he needs to say to make my marriage last.  He will open up and tell me the things that will save our marriage.  I think if I say the right thing to open up the conversation he will try.

I am a foolish woman.  Still, even still, I hope.  I crave peace and harmony with every ounce of my being.  I want love.  I want a man to look at me like it's the first time he's seeing me for the rest of his life.  I want to see the lust in his eyes and know I'm the reason for it.  I want to see the tenderness when we lock gazes and know that his love for me has put it there.  I love being a couple.  I like the intimacy of it.  There is no relationship on earth with that level of trust and commitment.  I like being touched and touching.  I don't do well being put aside and ignored.  For my sanity, for my happiness, for any future worth waking up for, I must put myself and my needs first.  I must stop looking for answers where obviously only questions dwell.

I'm Not Into You

I think I'm over my husband.  All of this time inside of my head is proving one thing, I don't think I love him anymore.  As a matter of fact, I'm starting not to like him.

Last night we got into a quarrel over who knows what.  That's how it is.  We are fine, we are having a conversation and then it ends up in cross words.  I told him I don't want to hate him.  I said I am really starting to feel nothing for him but animosity and I don't want it to end this way.

I told him I am no longer tolerating the way he speaks to me nor the tone when he does so.  His response (as always) was, "but it's ok the way you talk to me?"  I told him, no.  It is absolutely not ok.  I told him that was my first red flag.  When I started lashing out at him in anger and being disrespectful I immediately dug deep and checked myself.  What was going on?  This was NOT me.  Why was I acting so horribly?

I know why I do it.  He ignores me.  We have no relationship other than the raising of our children.  I am just like a child looking for attention.  Kids aren't really selective about the kind of attention they receive, it can be negative, just as long as they get it.  I know I'm doing this.  I'm not proud of it.  I try very hard to stop myself but I'm not perfect.  I want to hurt him.  I say the most hurtful things I can think of when we argue.  I hate myself afterward.  I feel guilty and small.

This is not me.  Being with him is making me an ugly person.  I believe being in a partnership should make you a better person.  If you have the right mate, you should be better than you ever thought you could be while with that person.  I try to be stronger than my impulses.  I try to just be quiet but he provokes me.  He likes to argue.  I think he is an unhappy frustrated man and he needs that release.

I have regrouped this morning.  I am going to pull into my shell and try to avoid the triggers.  I am going to try to rise above my petty, adolescent behavior and handle myself with dignity and control.  I cannot control him.  His idea of communicating is tit for tat.  He gets defensive and angry when we get into these situations.  It's old and I am tired.  I need to stay positive.  I need to have hope.  Hope that my life is going to be exactly what I make it.  I need to remember that all great things take time and I have plenty of it.

Quiet Time

I'm spending some time inside my head.  I am getting quiet and reflective.  This could be a good thing because I feel myself getting creative.

I never realized that I have a creative side to me.  When I had my first child and decided to be a stay at home mom our lifestyle obviously had to change.  We never lived extravagently but we had to be VERY frugal at that point.  We didn't buy new furniture for a while and our kitchen was probably from the 60's or 70's.  It never bothered me.  I always had some project going on.

We had panelling in both the bathroom and the kitchen for years.  I cannot remember how many times I painted it.  I also painted the kitchen cabinets one day.  I just stared at them long enough and then I had a can of paint in my hands.  I still don't know how that happened.  Then I had another color and I was "distressing" them.  There was no plan or technique.  I just kept painting until they looked about right.  To go with my shabby chic look I found an old ladder we had hanging around and hung it from a beam on the ceiling.  I dismantled a grapevine wreath I had hanging somewhere and wound it through and then hung baskets and cookie cutters from it.  I have to admit it was adorable.

Yesterday I saw that old ladder on the fence in our back yard.  Once the kitchen was new, there was no more playing inside.  Everything is as it should be and I don't dare touch it.  When my dad passed away, a friend sent me a climbing rose bush to plant in his honor.  To say it has been a prolific grower is an understatement.  I like to think that is my dad letting me know he is very much a part of my life still. The ladder was trapped under the rose bush and barely visible.  I thought it was such a shame.  Originally I placed it there to train the rose to grow on it but the rose surpassed that plan in year two.

Next thing I knew I was attacking the rose bush.  It has been pruned and man-handled to start growing horizontally down my fence.  It was growing primarily straight up and heading into my neighbor's yard.  I was also able to disentangle the ladder, remove the brackets and take it down.  I know I am being over ambitious but my in-laws have blocks left over from a patio they removed.  I have some here and I plan to go get the rest of them one by one.  I am going to attempt to build a small fire pit area by our pool and hang the ladder on the fence there.  I'm going to hang mason jars with tealights in them in between each rung.

It feels good to have a project.  It feels good to not be thinking of anything other than how to cozy up the backyard.  I have a small yard and it's always been a challenge to make it work for us.  The last few years, I had lost that enthusiasm.  I had no vision.  I didn't care.  I know I am changing, really changing because I feel alive inside again.  I am putting myself and my wants first right now.  I'm through waiting for everyone to get on board and I am just moving forward.

I am a firm believer that through every negative in our lives we learn something.  We take away something.  If we are really paying attention, we realize the lesson is not the hardship but rather what challenges us as humans and forces us to grow.  Let's face it, if life were just easy, would we evolve?  Would we be sympathetic to others and their situations if we did not face our own demons?  I think not.  Perhaps it was my time to be shaken up a bit.  My world needed to be rocked to teach me something bigger than I know.  Time will tell all.  I just need the patience to wait it out.

Positive Affirmations

I read an article yesterday about positive affirmations.  I have decided this is going to be my new philosophy.

We all tend to talk to ourselves very negatively.  I have seen a million times on facebook and pinterest this little saying that if a friend spoke to us the way we speak to ourselves, we would not be friends for long.  That is so true.  I would never tolerate someone berating me the way I have done.

This article said that we must speak to ourselves as though our positive affirmation has already happened.  It stated for instance, "if you weigh 150 lbs and you want to weigh 125 lbs by Christmas you must say you are already that weight."  So, you don't say, I WILL be 125 lbs.  You say, I AM 125 lbs.  Period.  You can say, "I like being 125 lbs. or it feels really good at 125 lbs."  The point is to get your mind where you wish to be rather than focusing on the "how" you are going to get there.

It said it will feel weird at first.  Well, I believe that.  It seems silly to say something over and over that isn't true yet.  However, I'm doing it.  I have a list of goals.  Physical and emotional goals that I have decided I am going to meet this year.  Yesterday I tried out this new technique.

I'm super positive this morning.  I'm full of energy and happy.  I don't know how much of this is the astounding weather we have been experiencing of late and how much is positive affirmations.  Frankly, I don't care.  I feel fabulous and I'm riding the wave.

I also looked in the mirror yesterday and forced myself to see only good things.  Rather than pick myself apart and find fault with every part of my face and body, I turned it around and turned every negative into a positive.  I refuse to waste one more moment of my life wasting the gift that is me.  I've never worn a bikini because I thought I was "fat."  Meanwhile my body was smokin' hot.  I had no clue until that body was gone.  I always underestimated my allure with the opposite sex because I only saw myself compared to other women.  They had a perfectly symmetrical face or a long graceful neck and a super thin rail-like body.

I don't.  I have a round face.  I have a short neck.  I have a curvy body.  You know what?  That's ok.  Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes.  I will not spend one more minute comparing myself and finding myself lacking.  "Comparison is the thief of joy" said Theodore Roosevelt.  How true that is.  No matter how much of anything we have, there will ALWAYS be someone who has more.  I am done thinking about how I measure up.  I am more than ready to appreciate what makes me unique.

Hey Girl, I've Missed You

So I'm liking this business of being me.  I'm liking getting back in touch with my REAL inner self.  I realize now how much I was letting everything and everyone around me influence my thoughts and actions.

Before I do anything now I check myself and ask if this is what I would be doing or saying if I lived alone.  If I were that single, childless woman that I dreamed I would be way back in the day, would I be doing or saying what I am?  When my doubt starts to creep in or I find myself regressing and heading back into negative territory, I stop.  I breathe and I start again.

It's funny, on St. Patrick's Day, I refused to let my husband's negative mood affect me.  I told him that before we left the house and once we were out, I stuck to it.  I didn't realize it but once he had left me to go to work that night he left a voicemail on my phone.  I didn't get it until Sunday afternoon because my phone had died and I never took it off the charger until Sunday so that was the first time I saw the message.

He apologized for being grumpy.  He said he was preoccupied because he knew he had to go to work at 5 p.m. and so he really couldn't get into the spirit and just have fun.  He said he was glad I was having fun and he was sorry he was less than enthusiastic.  I was happy.  He is at least acknowledging his behavior, admitting it and trying to make ammends for it.  On the other hand, I'm a bit tired of his excuses.  If this had happened and I was still the "old" me (you know, the one that I was five days ago), he would have ruined my day.  For so long now, he has brought me down before we go out and I feel myself smiling and talking but being so removed from the social situation I'm in.  Saturday I was fully engaged.  I felt free and light and truly happy.

Not once did I wonder what he was thinking of my behavior.  We went to one bar and my daughter and her friend pulled me out on the dance floor.  I danced and laughed and truly did NOT care at all what he was thinking about it.  I'm sorry he can't lighten up.  I'm sorry he can't have fun.  I'm sorry he is so old.  I'm not. 

I am young at heart.  I think I will always be young in my mind.  I take good care of myself again so that my body will cooperate.  I find joy in every day of my life.  The simplest things have always made me happy.  Where others see tragedy I have always had this ability to find something, anything, positive.  I see life as an adventure.  Not all adventures are happy at all times but I choose to learn something rather than wallow in misery.  I acknowledge the experience and then immediately my mind switches gears and I think, "What can I take away from this other than sorrow?"

My happiness will never again be dependent on another person.  The only thing I can be sure of in this life is myself.  I can only control my thoughts and actions.  I can only make sure I am living MY life as I wish.  I can hope with all my being that others around me will choose to embrace life and appreciate the beauty of it but if they don't, I cannot change them.  We have one life.  What is everyone waiting for?  What is going to be different next month, next year?  If we all don't get to the business of living, sooner than we think, the opportunity will have passed.

Just Breathe

I am pressing pause.  I am taking a break.  I have to think about things and calm down the mania.

My husband knows something is different but in his very expected typical fashion, he has decided to handle it with silence or sarcasm.  Everything he says to me is in a confrontational tone.  He knows something is different with me so he is going to be nasty and then pretend it's me. 

I have been very upbeat and positive.  When he says that I have a problem and am being confrontational I counter him.  I don't try to talk it out or communicate.  I just tell him he is wrong.  I tell him that I am trying very hard to be positive and he is making it difficult.  I repeat the conversation that just took place in exactly the tone it happened.  Of course, he denies it and accuses ME of having the wrong tone.  Even though the conversation just happened, he can still find a way to deny it.

I'm ok with it though.  It's funny how once you acknowledge something as your truth and understand it is what it is, you really can deal with it.  When you try to outthink it or understand it, you cannot really deal with it.  However, once you just honestly let yourself accept that it is what it is, it's easy.

Yesterday was St. Patrick's Day.  It's a long fun day for us being the parents of an Irish dancer.  Eight stops in eight hours.  I can honestly say, for the first time in a long time, I really enjoyed myself.  I did not worry about what my husband was going to think.  He is always mad at me for something or other, especially when we are out and drinking.  I can have two drinks and he will accuse me of being drunk, etc.  It's never true and I have no idea why it always comes down to that because it is so evident I'm not even impaired, let alone "drunk."  I went out with the expectation that I was not going to let him bring me down.

I socialized and laughed with the other dance moms.  I saw people out who I hadn't seen since last St. Paddy's Day and talked with them.  The weather was beyond gorgeous.  It was just a perfect day.  He left to go to work at a local bar at 5 p.m. and I hitched a ride with another dance family.  I didn't worry once about what he was going to say or think.  I didn't come home until 11 p.m., which is very late for me (it's a long day) and I really didn't care what he thought about it.

I felt like me again.  I felt like Kiraly who is a fun, social person.  I did not feel like my husband's wife.  This is the first time in years that I have gone out and really let myself just be me.  I've missed me.   I've decided I like me.  I am finally realizing that I am ok, just as I am.  I do not have to prove anything to anybody.  If people don't like me the way I am, the fault is in them and not me.  I am all done changing myself to please anybody.  Either they get on board with the real me or get off the train.  This ride is about to change drastically.

I Must Be Silent

I couldn't post today until now.  I am too angry.  I am too disturbed.  Too much of what is my life is no longer making sense to me.  I am confused and unsure of what words can express what is going on in my head.

Yesterday my husband informed me that a condo we were looking into in Myrtle Beach would be available if our son made the baseball team at school.  They go to Myrtle Beach to play a tournament over spring break.  This condo belongs to a friend of the family and we could stay free of charge.  Sounds great, right?  I thought so.

When we first started talking about it he told me he was going to ask his mom to come with us.  She had mentioned she would like to go and I was fine with that.  She and I get along and she is always up for anything.  She has some physical problems but never complains or slows us down when she goes away with us.  Then he mentioned he might ask his godmother to go as well.  It is her brother's condo that we would be staying in and he thought she would be good company for his mom.  Again, she's a fun lady and I thought that was a good idea.

Yesterday when he said we could stay he mentioned that the owner and his girlfriend would also be there.  I know the owner and his girlfriend.  I have met them a handful of times at best.  I was less than thrilled.  I am a VERY private person.  I am not comfortable at all staying with other people.  Staying with his godmother was pushing my comfort levels a bit but this was beyond what I could tolerate.  I told him that.  I asked him if we could just get a hotel and he told me we have no money for one.  I told him he could go with the entourage and I would stay home.  He informed me that if I didn't go, noone was going, including my daughter.

He has a LONG history of this tactic.  We went skiing as a family when I was 35.  I did NOT want to go.  I was terrified to learn to ski.  I had no desire to learn to ski.  He would not bring the kids unless I went.  I went.  I was glad I did it but I've never done it again so I think it's safe to say he didn't push me into that for my good.  I cannot count how many times we have all done things that I did not want to do.  I mean REALLY did not want to do.  He will not take the kids unless I go along.  They are punished for my lack of enthusiasm so I go.  I hate it the whole time but I am there.

He called tonight from work and said he was looking for a hotel.  I asked about the condo and he said it was too many people so we would just get a hotel.  So when I expressed that same sentiment he stuffed me and shut me down before the discussion began and used money as the excuse, again.  He was not willing to discuss it or even consider my feelings.  The answer was if I don't go, my daughter does not get to go.  He knew I would go.

I asked him tonight where our income tax money was.  We had some left over from our return.  He told me what was left is right where it was.  OK???  Am I supposed to know where that is?  I told him we NEED to sit down together and do the money.  I backed down and agreed to do the money jointly rather than by myself when I thought I was being spiteful about it.  I have asked him probably a dozen times to sit down so we could do it and every time he has an excuse.  After the credit cards are paid off by the bank.  After this next billing cycle.  After he gets a notebook to write everything down in.  He "promises" it is going to happen.  If I could count how many promises he has broken to me, I'd be a genius and have to create a new number.

I got angry.  I told him just because I haven't pushed does not mean I don't want to be involved.  I told him I don't trust him and I'm getting nervous because I'm in the dark and I think he is messing up our finances again.  I tried to comfort him and make him not feel badly that our money was such a mess but the truth is, his mismanagement of some minor debt became monumental.  It IS his fault.  Plain and simple HE is to blame for what happened.

At this point he said, "Kiraly, I'm not getting into all of this.  I'm up here with other people."  I hung up.  I had no words for that.  He called right back and I told him to go talk to his people.  Apparently what his wife has to say doesn't matter much.  He said he didn't mean it that way (of course not) and that I didn't even call him for that so why did I have to start on it?  I don't know.  That's where the conversation went.  I didn't realize when you called for one reason you were only allowed to discuss that topic and then call back if you had another issue.

I told him there are going to be some changes.  I am done being ignored and disrespected.  I am done with him pouting and treating me horribly because he's in a mood.  Then I told him I was also going to go out twice a month with my friends so he could get used to the concept and not have such a fit every time it happens.  I told him he would be giving me money to do so without an arguement or I'd be finding a job so I could make sure I'd have my own money.  He said, "well, good luck with your job."

I'm crazy.  Or I'm going crazy.  It is such a fine line I am walking that it's all blending into one. What am I doing?  I am better than this arent' I?  Not to be egotistical but I am sure another man would appreciate me.  I am thin and attractive.  I can cook like a chef.  I am the most loving mother I can be.  I keep a warm, cozy home.  I am frugal.  I don't ask for anything.  I try to be content with what I have.  I find ways to do everything myself so I don't spend unneccesary money.  I tried to be helpful when I knew we had money problems.  I didn't go out or whine about it.  I am devoted.  I am so devoted and I can't for the life of me figure out why.  My husband does not want to be intimate with me, ever.  I am patient about it.  I am understanding.  I try to get him to talk about why or see a doctor.  I never criticize or judge.  I have never even considered being unfaithful and God knows there isn't a woman on this earth who has more reason.

I know I have gifts.  I know I am special.  I know that people want to be around me and confide in me and talk to me.  I know that I could be surrounded by people the minute I open myself up to it.  I am fun and funny.  I can talk to anyone and make anyone feel at ease.  I am wasting away here.  I am wasting so much of what makes me special.  I am killing what makes me happy and unique to please this man.

We were listening to our favorite Irish group in the car tonight.  We have seen them live several times.  I have always LOVED them.  Since the first time I saw them, I jump and dance and sing along the whole concert.  This summer we saw them twice.  The second time he accused me of trying to get all of the attention on me by being so crazy.  He said I was over the top.  I had so much fun.  I was so happy.  I had jumped and danced for two straight hours and had endorphins pumping through me at the speed of light.  In seconds, he took that away from me.  He made me feel ashamed and embarrassed.  I'm only 43.  I don't feel old yet.  I don't feel ready to just sit on the couch watching tv every night.

When he met me I was the life of the party.  I was wild and a dancer and up for anything.  If he wanted a wallflower, why did he pursue me?  There are plenty of women who would be content to sit home every night eating chips on the couch, watching tv and loving the fact that their husband will never want sex.  He is tearing me apart and I know it.  I feel it.  I hate it.  I don't want to hate him.  He is so good in so many ways.  I think my reluctance to admit that he is not very good to me is what is holding me back.  I don't want to see these flaws in him and admit that maybe I have allowed a man to treat me less than I deserve.  I don't want to admit to myself how very bad things really are.

Here We Go Again

I guess I am forgiven for going out this weekend.  My husband was chatty and fun and fine yesterday.  I guess a good word for me is, unreceptive.  I wasn't rude, I was just not interested.

We had some things to do yesterday.  One thing involved an hour and a half car ride.  That's alot of time.  He was making conversation and being humorous.  I was singing in my head.  I was singing out loud.  I was admiring the scenery.  I was doing everything in my power to forget I was in the car with this guy.  I did speak when spoken to.  I did so politely but I did not initiate conversation nor did I engage enthusiastically.

I am sick and tired of being "punished" for some imaginary transgression and then having to be receptive when he decides my penance is up.  Normally, I just go with it.  I don't like to hold a grudge.  I can't stand when my home is in disharmony and I am in constant search of peace.  The problem with this is that I am not at peace.  Everything seems at peace but I am angry, inside.

All of this resentment is building.  I am not dealing with it.  More repression.  He gets to be angry and not speak to me because I go out with a friend once a year and I am supposed to just let him ride that out until he decides he doesn't want to be angry any more?  Why?  If I confront him, I feel like a witch.  I am so sick of arguing and to start a conversation that I know will lead to an arguement just seems like so much work right now.

He will deny that he was angry.  He will deny that he has a problem with me going out.  He will deny he was in a mood the next day.  What is the point?  We have been there, done that.  He will tell me this is all in my head and that I was THINKING he was mad and that he really wasn't at all.  It won't matter that his parents and my son saw his reaction.

So I sang.  And I dreamed.  I imagined myself living in the country, on a farm where we were.  I saw myself riding my horse and walking my dog on my acres of land.  I saw trails through the woods where I was hiking.  My house was overlooking the lake.  I could have my farm but then head across the street and access the lake. 

I removed myself from my reality and created one that is more me.  Not this stress and arguing in a home I've never liked since we bought it.  We bought it because it was next door to one of his best friends.  The friend has since divorced and moved on.  We bought it with the promise of moving out after five years when we had some equity.  We bought it with the promise that we would move to Connecticut after he got tenure and his retirement was vested.  We bought it when we were young and foolish and dreamed we would be blissful forever, no matter where we were.  We bought it when it wasn't so hard for me to dream at all.

All Aboard

I am more convinced than ever that not only does my huband ride the crazy train but he is the conductor.  I can hear the train chugging down the tracks when he gets a certain look on his face and I wait for the ensuing battle.  I'm more than ready to derail this thing.

Saturday night he and I went out to dinner, alone.  The kids had other plans with friends and we decided to take advantage and dine out.  We NEVER go out to dinner (or breakfast or lunch for that matter).  As we all know, money is tight and I just cannot justify spending money eating out when I can make a meal for us at home which is healthier and MUCH cheaper.  I would love to eat out more, just because it gets monotonous figuring out what to cook every night and it's some work.  That being said, I stay at home so part of that, for me, has been to provide a nice meal at the end of the day for my family.

After dinner we went by his aunt and uncle's house.  They were hosting a going away dinner for their in-laws who are moving to Florida next week and while our plans kept us busy for the actual dinner, we told them we would stop by for a drink after.  The streets were rolled up, lights out, vacant home.  It was only shortly before 8:00 p.m. but apparently the party was over.

His parents live in a double house with his aunt and uncle so we just went to their side for a drink instead where our son met us to hang out for a bit.  While we were there, a friend called and asked me to meet her for a drink.  We have been trying to connect for a while and this seemed like the perfect opportunity.  I told her I would meet her at the bar where my daughter was attending a birthday party (upstairs in the banquet rooms) and when it ended at 10:00 p.m. she could drive us both home.

I thought this plan was inspired.  We had already talked my son into picking her up so we didn't have to leave the house again at 10 to get her.  This was so much easier.  The minute I hung up the phone, my husband had "that" look on his face.  He told me that I had messed up our plans because we were going to stay at his parents and then go get her.  Really?  It was 8:30 at this point.  We had gotten his dad out of bed when we got there.  We were going to keep them up for another hour and a half?  I think not.

Then he told me it was very "coincidental" that she called.  Did he think it was a secret plan?  Interesting since I was with him ALL day and night and that was the first time I had touched my phone.  At this point my son said, "Papa, just let her go out with her friend.  What's the big deal?  Did she say anything when you went out with your friends?"  Ah, interesting point my wise son.

A couple of weeks ago he went out with some friends from work.  They went to a hockey game and then out.  They went to a few bars, a strip club, and a friend's house to cap off the night.  He came home after 1:30 a.m. and turned right into our bedroom and kept turning.  He knocked all of my perfume bottles off of my jewelry chest.  I woke him up the next morning and he ended up late for work.  He was still drunk when he left for work more than a half hour late.  He has NEVER been late for work in 23 1/2 years.

Was I angry?  No.  I laughed and made fun of him and told him I was glad that he had such a good time.  I told him he needed to let loose and relax.  Lord knows, our lives have been stressful and he needed just to forget all that for a minute.  Why is it so hard every time I want a break?

I do NOT go out.  The last time I went out with friends was in May.  We had an arguement in the side street by our house because my friend had called and asked me to go out for another friend's birthday.  He was mutinous.  Then he told me he wasn't giving me money to go out and when I informed him that I would just have my friends pay for me he coughed it up.  The friend who called felt guilty and said she feels bad asking me to go out because it always causes a fight for me.  THAT does not cause a fight, my crazy husband causes the fight.

I met my friend for a drink.  My daughter ended up sleeping at the birthday girl's house so we didn't have to be home at 10.  We actually went to a local pizza place and ate salads after the bar.  It was nice just to be myself.  A girl with a friend, having a good time and catching up.  I am ALWAYS a wife and mother.  I never get a break from that role.  I do not have any life at all that does not involve my family.  Sometimes I think that is a huge part of my restlessness.

My husband did not speak to me at all yesterday morning.  It was a beautiful morning and I refused to let him ruin it for me.  I went about my business.  I made my son pancakes.  I got my daughter to parade practice by noon and came back home to pick up my husband so he could attend the parade.  We ran into old friends at the parade and caught up with them so by the end of it, he was back to being "normal" and talking.

A part of me wants to be stubborn and say, "Oh, now you want to talk to me?  Well guess what?  I have nothing to say to you."  The more mature side of me knows that's pointless.  I do know I cannot live like this.  I am not his possession.  He doesn't own me and I am not his child.  I do not need to ask permission to go out.  The nice thing this time is this happened in front of his parents.  They got to see exactly what I deal with.  His face is actually scary when he gets like he was.  I hate it.  Part of me wants to give in and just not anger him and make an excuse to my friends.  I do that more often than not. 

I think I'm over it though.  I need to take a stand.  He acts like I'm some crazy floozy who he can't trust and it angers me beyond sanity.  I am the most loyal wife in the world.  I have stood by him in times I can only say I must have been insane to do so.  He swears every time this happens that he trusts me and doesn't mind me going out.  Then why is it such a project every time?  Why is everyone around me getting the same impression?  Why am I still here making excuses for everything this man does?

Rome Wasn't Built In A Day

Every morning I wake up so impatient to be at the finish line of my goals.  I tend to start projects with loads of enthusiasm but when they start to take too long or get monotonous I am done.  I am working so hard not to be like that this time.

There are things I want to accomplish.  Personal, physical, emotional goals that I want to reach.  I don't want to quit.  When things aren't going as quickly as I think they should I start to doubt and give up.  Then I stop and look in the mirror.  I tell myself I am changing.  I look for the subtle changes that I can see and I look inside for the ones that may not be visible but that I know are happening.

I tell myself that things didn't get out of hand in a day so logically they will not be better in a day.  Real change, the kind that lasts, takes time and effort.  I want these changes to be lasting.  I don't want to improve things just to fall back into old habits and then have to start over again in a few years.

I will accomplish what I want.  I will be the person I want to be, inside and out.  I am not going to quit this time.  No matter what goes on around me, I will stay true to my mission.  This time, the world could literally quit spinning and I will stay on course.  I am tired of giving up because it's easier.  I am tired of taking the easy way out because it is non-confrontational or uncomfortable.  I think it's about time I am challenged.  Who better to challenge me than myself?

How Do You Do It?

At least once a day I have to laugh at somebody's status on Facebook.  They mention something about having positive energy or a good outlook or having good karma come their way (or about the absence of these things).  They talk about how positive they are and how of course it's coming around.

I actually do "laugh out loud."  These are the same people who criticize, judge, find fault with, argue with, get offended by, get angry with anyone and everyone.  Every status preceding and following this ONE positive one will be predictable and negative.  They are miserable.  I don't know how they even find the will to wake up and function with such awful attitudes.

They are the ones who claim to be accepting and non-judgemental.  Yet, they are the same ones who post things all day long that are offensive to people with a philosophy contrary to theirs.  When they are called out for it, they immediately get irate and rude or else threaten with the big ole delete.  Oh, I see, you are accepting and non-judgemental of people who are EXACTLY like you and of the EXACT same mind-set.  Now I get it.  Funnier still is that they are completely oblivious to it.

They are always talking about karma coming to get everyone.  You know the ones, "What comes around, goes around,"  "Be careful, karma comes back around."  I see the posts every day.  Wow.  They are that bothered by so many people that they really wish bad karma on them.  Do they even know what they are wishing for?  Why are they so consumed with how someone else's life is playing out?

Everything people say to them "offends" them.  Casually asked questions get attacked and then I see the "friend" who commented trying to placate them.  It's like, "oh, I'm so sorry I expressed my opinion that doesn't agree with what you think and now I will soothe your ruffled feathers."  Are you that anti-social that people asking questions about things that YOU posted on your facebook (inviting them into your life, by the way) make you that angry?  I cannot imagine.

Everyone claims to be positive and good.  Sadly, I see very few people that genuinely are.  We ALL have lives that are hard.  You are not the exception, you are the rule.   We all suffer disappointment, loss, heart ache and sorrow.  What makes you positive is how you handle those situations. 

When people ask me personal questions I have NEVER been offended by that.  I am flattered.  I am happy that they are interested enough in me to learn more about me.  It does not occur to me that they are asking me things to be snide or nosey.  Since I wouldn't do those things I choose to deny it would happen to me.  Does that make me naive?  Maybe but I'm rarely angry with complete strangers or acquaintances.  It helps me to remain positive.  When their questions or comments are contrary to mine I really pause.  I think, "is that the impression I want to give? or is that what I'm really wanting to say?"  It makes me think harder about what comes out of my mouth.

When I see horrible people getting good things coming to them I don't wish bad karma on them.  I have always told my husband and kids that to do that will bring nothing but negativity to us.  I wish them happiness.  No matter how it looks to us, there is something lacking in a mean person.  To the world it may look like they have more than they deserve but inside, where it matters most, they are so empty.  I don't envy them and I don't wish evil on them, I pity them.

When I see people on Facebook writing with such conviction about how right they are about everything and how their way is "the" way and their opinions are the "right" ones and how they are such great people, I pity them as well.  I pity them for their ignorance and their immaturity.  I pity the fact that maybe there is a person in there that could do alot of good for this world but because they are so hard-headed they will never evolve to know their potential.  I wait to see if time will change them but the thing about people who know it all is that they rarely know they just may be wrong on a few things.

My Heavy Heart

I spoke with my mom today.  It was the first time I've spoken to her in a while, I am ashamed to admit.  My daughter spoke to her last week and I thought my mom would want her to pass the phone but she just said good-bye.

I was so sad.  She called me to ask what time it was.  She thought we set the clocks ahead last night but wasn't sure so she had only changed one.  I'm pretty sure my heart cracked right in half. 

I have been avoiding her.  I am not proud of that.  I just don't have answers and when I talk to her I feel this overwhelming need to fix her.  I don't know how.  I feel like my hands are tied because there are so many extenuating factors and I can't control them.  I get frustrated; with her confusion, with my confusion, with the whole situation.

She has lowered the price on her home in Florida again.  It HAS to sell!  Once we can get her to Connecticut, I feel like things will be easier.  There will be more of us at close proximity to help her.  She needs help, desperately.

I envision her alone, confused, not even knowing what time it is.  She knows my daughter is an Irish dancer and she was asking if she was excited for this weekend and her long day of dancing.  She had no idea St. Patrick's Day isn't until next week. 

I have been to her place a couple of times now and I can see her there.  Somehow, I wish I couldn't.  I wish I couldn't see my tiny little mom, withering away to an even smaller version of herself.  I wish I couldn't see her watching a tv show last night and falling asleep only to wake up at 8:30 p.m. and realize she missed bingo.  She was so disappointed.  She told me she looks so forward to that all week and she couldn't understand how she could fall asleep and miss it.

I want to say to her, because you are 80 years old.  Because your body and your mind are tired and just want to rest now.  Because you have 80 years worth of living running through your 80 year old brain and it's wearing down.  Because at the end nothing is as it was and everything is harder than it should be.

I don't say these things.  I make her laugh.  I tell her some dumb thing I did or am thinking of doing.  She knows me well enough to know things don't always quite work out how I envision them.  I tell her how happy I am and how well my husband and kids are.  I tell her my life is beautiful and make her laugh again at some silly story involving the kids or my farm qualifying amount of pets.  I try to bring her peace for that short time we are on the phone.  I try to make her forget her problems for a little while and remember there is life outside of her little house and that her legacy is busy enjoying it. 


Then I hang up that phone and vow to be a better daughter and not avoid her.  I vow to be a better mother and wife and friend.  I remember that so many things that seem so monumentally important right now really don't matter so very much after all. 

Restless In Upstate NY

I have a million things going through my mind.  I want to do so many things at once and I can't stop my brain.

I want to buy the paint and get the bathroom done.  I just want it over with.  Of course, my daughter's dance tuition is due and also her bill for all of the new Irish garb she needs for the St. Patrick's Day season.  She is an Irish dancer and March is the equivalent of December for Santa for an Irish dancer.  It is non-stop.  Of course, she grows and therefore must have new supplies every few years.   Since she was squeezing her foot into a size 1 1/2 ghillie and she is actually a 4 1/2, it was time.  Once again, the paint for the bathroom is on hold.

I saw yesterday on pinterest a technique for inexpensively painting wood furniture that will give it a french country look.  It requires stain, flat white paint and shoe polish.  I'm pretty sure I have the stain and paint and the shoe polish could be acquired by a quick trip to the dollar store.  As I was dusting yesterday I noticed that "monster table" (as we have lovingly dubbed it based on it's size and weight alone) is looking kind of beat.  We have moved it everywhere.  It doesn't fit in my house.  My husband saw it years ago and had to have it.  Half of the table opens like a trunk for storage and the other half has tons of drawers for cd's.  We have a TON of cd's.  I'm trying to convince him to clear out because we do everything now on the computer but we shall see.

It seems like the perfect idea to give it a new life.  However, it is heavy.  I mean to the point that I cannot move it myself (trust me, I have tried).  In order to paint it, I would have to lift the edges and slide something under each edge to catch little "mistakes."  I prefer to do these things while my husband is at work.  He hates change.  If he comes home and it's just done, he is much more accepting.  I want to paint it but do not want to deal with the lifting.  Looks like that project will wait a bit too.

I also want to paint the bathroom vanity.  I KNOW my husband will flip if I do that so that definitely needs to be done while he is not home.  He hates when I paint things that are permanent.  I tried to paint the brick around the fireplace last year and he was so miserable about it that I gave up.  Actually, now that I mention it, I think I have enough paint to do that still.

See what I mean?  This is my head.  All day, every day.  Yesterday I made a four course meal for dinner because I found so many recipes on pinterest and happened to have all of the ingredients.  I would have made more but at some point even I realized my ridiculousness.

I did yoga this morning hoping to calm my mind.  Still churning.  I am going for a run now because 1. It's going to be gorgeous out today and I want to enjoy every minute of it and 2. I need to expend some of my energy.  I am worried.  When I get like this, it usually means I am going to get myself into some major mess.  I will start a million things and then a week from now change my mind and not want to finish them.  I hope the run tires me enough that the only thing I want to do when I get home is shower and nap!

Facebook Drama

I love Facebook.  For quite a while it was my only means of socialization.  I withdrew for a long time.  It became too difficult to be around my friends when I was always on the verge of crying.  I didn't have the energy to put on the happy face and I didn't have the motivation to move, let alone have fun. It prevented me from sinking into a major depression.  I knew I was depressed and it potentially could have been bigger but just that minute or two every so often socializing with a friend on Facebook saved me from that.

Yesterday a friend shared that she had been "turned in" to Facebook for something inappropriate on her wall.  My head was realing.  Why didn't this person just "hide" her or delete her or at most extreme, block her?  Why is this person friends with her in the first place if they find the quirkly little things she puts on Facebook offensive?

We all know our friends.  We know which ones swear like a trucker in real life and when we accept that friend request we must be pretty sure they are going to swear like that in their writing.  Personally I try never to write curse words.  I can curse like a sailor on leave, especially when I'm fired up about something.  I just choose not to write them, especially on social forums.  I will use them in private messages, however.  This is my choice.  I would never dream of ending a friendship because someone chooses differently.

When I see some folks who curse in every single status, admittedly I do feel differently about them.  There are a million ways to say things without vulgarity.  If overdone, I feel it trashes you up.  That's it though.  I just think, hmmm...this person can't say a thing without cursing.  I don't love them any less and I don't want to end a friendship over cursing.  It's ridiculous. 

I have a friend who never curses and when we get together, nine times out of ten, I'm swearing like a truck driver.  Should we not be close because we choose to express ourselves differently?  That is absurd and would never happen in the "real" world.  If I hung out with someone who swore in public alot, yes, I may rethink that relationship.  We all know we are judged on how we present.  Is it fair?  No, but it is true.  I do get peeved when I'm out in public and teens are throwing around the F bomb like soldiers at war.  It makes them look uneducated and trashy.  They are just speaking normally and interjecting it constantly.  I think, you don't look cool or mature, you look like a scumbag.

I also have friends who put lewd things on there.  Surprise, surprise, they are actually like that in life.  I know this.  They are the people who find that naughty little humor hysterical.  When we are together, they always have some joke or story that pushes the boundaries of acceptability.  Why would I expect them to be any different on a computer?  Are they all of a sudden going to start quoting Aristotle when they've always been a Benny Hill type of person?  Highly doubtful.

We are all different.  Frankly, that's what I like about friendships.  I like people who challenge me to think outside of the box.  People who have different opinions and present them and make me pause and think fascinate me.  My friends are not clones of me who agree with everything that comes out of my mouth.  Granted, there needs to be some commanality in order for the friendship to begin but then we learn about eachother and perhaps we are very different.  That's ok.

I always laugh when I see people who are "cleaning up" their friends' list (and sadly, I see it ALOT).  They make this big announcement, like a threat.  Really?  Are you 12?  Grow up.  Is that how you handle situations that make you uncomfortable?  You just "delete" them.  How about this?  How about you look at the people who are rubbing you the wrong way and then look inside and figure out what is going on inside YOU.  When you get so frustrated by what people are writing on Facebook, the problem is yours, not theirs.  Somehow you are lacking.  YOU are the one who needs to develop some patience and acceptance of others.

I always hope they will delete me when I see this announcement.  I think, what kind of friend are you?  If I really need someone at my back, would you be there?  If you delete people just because they tick you off you are immature and have no clue what a friend is.  If you report people to the Facebook police rather than sending them a quick not saying, "Gee, what you choose to share makes me uncomfortable so I'm doing to delete you here but we are still friends"  then you are a coward and a child.

It's interesting to me.  People are able to present to the world any person they want to be.  Social media is eye-opening.  I find they cannot control themselves as well on there.  The "true" person shines on Facebook.  I think we all need to pay closer attention to that person.  The real one.  The one that hides behind the computer and lets their real feelings out with hate and negativity.  These are the "friends" we need to "delete" on a permanent level.

Peace Be With You

I am content.  After a weekend filled with fun, I am content.  I think alot of my problem is boredom.  I do the same things every day.  Let's face it, how excited can you be to wake up and spend another day cleaning?

My son takes the second car to school while my husband takes the other to work every day.  This basically means I am homebound.  I really am okay with that.  I've been working on our family leaving a smaller carbon footprint and this helps me resist temptation.  With gas prices skyrocketing again, it is helpful to have both cars parked all day.  If I really need one, the high school is only a couple of miles away so I can walk there and use that car.

However, this also means the most exciting thing I have to look forward to is working out and whether it will be linens day or floors day.  I clean all day, every day.  Somehow there is always cleaning to be done.  There is always tons of laundry and if it slows down then I do the throw blankets around the house or shower curtains or some other thing that doesn't get washed as much as I'd like.  With six pets I cannot vacuum or dust enough.  When I miss one day, I get a little panicky inside.  It just doesn't feel clean enough to me if I skip.

I was not like this before kids.  When we were young and childless, Saturdays were our big cleaning day.  My husband and I would work together and clean the whole house.  That way it was ready for weekend entertaining.  Once I had kids, the thought of them crawling around or sitting in dirt was beyond me.  That's when the crazy cleaning started, when everything started going into their mouths.

This weekend we went to a huge St. Partrick's Day parade in Binhamton.  There are 500 participants in the parade so it's a big one.  It is also a university town.  All of the VERY drunk college students attend.  I have to admit, my husband and I usually spend more time watching them than the actual parade.  They are so young and so fun.  I love watching them, dressed completely inappropriately, yet festivly, trying to navigate the crowds while beyond messed up.  I imagine them going to grab a little nap, and then starting all over again and making it until the wee hours of the night.  Of course, some, trained for the marathon, will just keep it going and somehow make it all day.  I envy them their youth.

They make me smile.  I remember being so carefree.  The biggest worry I had was who was going to get the beer because I looked 12 years old when I was in college.  I think about how my own two children will be them in a couple of short years.  I have encouraged them not to party in high school.  College is time enough for it and I have no doubt they will make good use of their time there.  That's part of the experience.  I will hope they will use their heads but that's their time to get that all out.  Once they enter the "real" world, the party is over and responsibility sets in very quickly.  I want them to have fun as long as they can.

I enjoyed doing something different.  I like variety.  It refreshes me and makes me able to cope with the mundaneness that becomes my life again on Monday.  Sometimes I think I should have lived in a city, where there are endless choices.  I could do something different every night if I wanted.   Then I have the other side of me that snuggles in and likes being tucked safely away in my home.  I like the constancy of things.  I guess the trick, for me, is going to be to find that balance.  It's all a process and I am working it to find my peace.  I will not compromise any longer on what I want my life to be.

I Don't Want To Grow Up

I am narrowing down my frustrations.  I think I am just immature.  I have a much more laidback approach to life and this is a continuous source of contention for my husband and I.  This is one thing I will not compromise on.  I have changed just about everything about me to please this man and I will not grow old to satisfy him.

My son was waiting on some friends to come over.  They were all going to go to the movies.  While waiting he decided to shoot some hoops in the driveway.  He brought his basketball in from the front porch to put some air in it and left the door open to the front porch.  Our front porch in enclosed and it is cold out there but the task was literally going to take a few minutes.  I was holding the ball and my son was filling it and my husband was telling my son to shut the front door.

That was all he was concerned about, that stupid door.  I told him to hold on and we would be done in a minute.  He was relentless and angry so I just went and shut it.  Then I told him he is old.  I could hear my parents' voices in him.  It occurred to me that I have always felt like his child.  He runs the house and I'm like one of the kids in it.  I have no idea what's going on and he likes it that way.

On one hand, I am the brains behind the operation.  He has no idea how to be a father or a husband or a man.  I have to spoonfeed him that.  On the other hand, he controls everything.  We are all supposed to be blindly obedient to him.  We aren't to question or have an opinion other than his.  If we don't do his bidding we have to deal with his mood.  It is exhausting.

I am very carefree.  My home is very neat and organized but we live here.  Kids traipsing in and out of my home wet from the pool or with mud on their shoes, etc. has never bothered me.  I do all of the cleaning.  I have to clean it again so why would I flip out?  The dirt is always there whether we bring it in or sit like statues in the house.  Why does all of this stuff bother him so much?  He has never lifted a finger to clean a thing in 20 years.  That's not true.  On occassion he will vacuum or straighten up, I should give credit where it is due.

I sit and look at him and to me he is already a senior citizen.  I am bored.  I don't need a party every night but I need something to look forward to.  He sits on the couch with his newspaper and the tv on.  For a while he was watching Wheel Of Fortune and Jeopardy and I literally thought I would lose my mind.  I can't do it yet.  That is what every senior in America is doing every night.


I am too young for this.  I know I'm almost 44 but I don't feel it.  I'm responsible, I know I am a mother and an adult and I certainly don't ignore those commitments but I'm not ready for every evening on the couch.  I'm not ready for every day to mimic the one before with no spontaneity or excitement.  I guess I'm just not ready to grow up.

What's My Problem?

I am a crab.  I don't even want to be around myself lately.  I have the most intense feeling of dissatisfaction and I am trying so hard to squelch it but to no avail.

I am so tired of being surrounded by negativity.  I know that our family has been in this place for a long time and we all cannot let it go overnight but I have decided to do just that and I am impatient that everyone else isn't keeping up.  I want everyone to turn the page, embrace life again and move forward.  They haven't gotten the memo.

I am especially frustrated with my husband.  He is not doing anything overt.  We are not fighting but I'm just disgusted with him.  I am tired.  I am angry with myself for being so understanding.  I feel stupid and neglected and like a dog who continues to be kicked and whimpers back to her master for the pat on the head.  A huge part of me wants to walk out the door.  I want it over.  I want to show him that the words I have been spewing forth for more time than I care to recollect carry weight.  I want him to see I have value and someone else would appreciate it and cherish me forever.

Then I want my marriage to work.  I want us to be content and peaceful and die together.  I feel constantly torn.  It's not him at this point, it is me.  I feel like I have jeopardized my pride.  I have written the script and waited for him to start playing his role.  I have sat patiently in the wings and breathlessly anticipated the day he would step onto the stage and recite the lines I have handfed him for more time than I can count.  He's on stage, the spotlight has illuminated him and he still can't get it right.  Does he have a thought other than mine?  He is like a child.  A child I am molding to be the adult I can be proud of someday in society.

I've always known he tried to think and act the way he anticipates I would.  I used to find it flattering.  It's heady to think your partner admires you so much that he wants to be like you.  I thought, "well, this guy knows me better than anyone and if he copies me so much, I must be doing something right."  Now I am annoyed.  I can't have a conversation with him.  We cannot have a discourse on anything because he does not have a thought independent from mine.  I want an intelligent husband.  One who can discuss things that matter with me.  One that can challenge me and make me think.  I want to disagree with my husband and have him try to convince me he's right.  I don't want a mindless puppet who is afraid to say anything contrary.

I don't want to be like this.  I'm angry with myself for feeling this way.  He's trying.  In his way, he is really trying to change and I should be grateful and focus on that.  I should embrace the positive and overlook the little niggling details.  I feel unevolved and petty.  In turn, I am now more frustrated with my behavior on top of my issues with him.

I know this is a work in progress.  I know something that is eroded, slowly, bit by bit over time will not be rebuilt in a day.  I know it is going to take work and patience.  I'm not perfect and should not expect those around me to be so.  Patience, patience, patience...it is my mantra.  I feel like it runs through my mind, all day, every day.  I am worn out with my effort toward patience.  Some days I guess I just want to be the master, deciding if the pup has pleased me and will receive a reward or if he'll be turned back out, tail between his legs until his master decides to be gracious.

I Did It

I got on the scale.  I did not have a mental breakdown.  As a matter of fact, I didn't even look.  The nurse had called earlier in the day and asked if we would like her to come earlier for the appointments.  I told her that her scale might meet with an unfortunate accident and that it would be wrong if she blamed me.  She told me not to look.  Duh.  Why didn't I think of that?

Of course, we didn't just have the nurse alone but she had a trainee with her.  I explained to them how I went on a bender at the end of last year.  That is true.  I knew 2012 was going to be my year of action and not thought.  I knew along with other changes I was going to be making, I was going to get control of my health.  I know how to be healthy and thin.  It was very deliberate, my weight gain. 

The initial 8 lbs or so was not.  That was stress eating, emotional comfort and quite unintended.  The last 7 lbs were put on knowing full well they would have to go.  In my mind, I figured if I already had to lose some weight, why not lose some more?  I had no idea when I adapted that philosophy that the weight would move so stubbornly.  Usually I have a few good, disciplined weeks and voila!, the weight is gone.  Not so this time.  Would I have eaten in such excess if I had known this ahead of time?  No.  I cannot, however, regret it.  It was fun.  I can't lie.  It was fun not worrying about every calorie I consumed.  It was refreshing not thinking about how long I would have to work out to undue the damage I had shoved into my gullet that day.  Heck, it was great not working out at all if I didn't feel so inclined.

I even rode the wave through January this year.  I slowly reigned myself in but really didn't start trying until last Monday.  I have not been perfect.  Normally I am when I put my mind to it.  I'm trying to do this right.  I'm not on a diet this time.  I'm not working out to lose weight this time.  I'm trying not to be consumed this time.  I told the nurses that I had been on a bender and that this weight was never supposed to be recorded, ever.  Of course, their response was that I looked great and I was small, etc.  That's part of the problem. I'm fine.  I could stay right where I am and be perfectly fine and look perfectly fine.  I am not ok with it.  Just me.  I told them that. 

I let them know I had put on 15 lbs and I was in the process of getting it off and if it wouldn't hold up our life insurance any longer, I would not have let them come until April.  They cracked up and thought I was kidding.  I laughed along and thought, "What's so funny?  I am so serious!"  Then they couldn't find a vein to take blood and not even thinking I said, "ugh, I didn't strength train today because it would have made me weigh more.  I should have because my veins would have been more prominent."  They thought that was utterly hysterical.  I think at that point I realized I am truly certifiably insane.

I hit a bump in the road.  I lost control for a moment.  I will not let it derail me.  I am committed to stay the course and reach my goals.  At this point they are hazy goals and open to interpretation.  If this weight won't move and I feel good and strong and fit here, then this will be my new weight.  I am certainly within the healthy guidelines for my height (you know I checked).  I feel good when I eat well and work out alot.  It is not for vanity's sake that I do it, it is because that truly is my comfort zone.

After my emotional day, I drank wine at dinner last night.  I had tiramisu for dessert and if that weren't enough, I ate some chips and dip later on the coach.  It's my way of dealing with stress and I recognize that.  I woke up this morning filled with guilt and remorse.  My husband set me straight.  He reminded me everyone needs to indulge once in a while.  I eat like that once and think I'm an out of control pig who eats like that every day. 

He reminded me that I eat very well the rest of the time.  He told me I should have wine once in a while if I want it.  He said that really, I didn't even eat that much.  He told me to let it go and that it was ok.  I felt better.  Usually I would discredit what he says as obligation.  Not this time.  He's right and I was open to hear it.  I'm not perfect. I'm a work in progress.  Slow and steady progress is better than not trying at all.  I'm going to start praising myself for my positive efforts and continue to shush that negative whisper that tries at every opportunity to put me down.  I'm going to start talking to myself the way I would a friend who is trying to better herself.  Would I belittle her for every little slip?  NO.  Would I praise her for every tiny bit of progress and be sure to point out the smallest positive step?  YES.  I'm going to let myself be my friend.  A very good friend indeed.