I am tired of the sound of my mind. I am exhausted by it's endless restlessness and thinking and planning. It never stops. I cannot quiet the unrest that begins when I open my eyes in the morning and continues until I drift off every night, still dissatisfied with my life.
I try to remember the last time I was happy, utterly and truly happy. I would classify myself as a happy, optimistic person. My whole life I have been cheerful and fun-loving. I am game for anything and am always open to any new person I meet and any new situation I find myself in. In fact, I am most delighted when I find myself in new and unusual situations. That is where I thrive.
All of that has changed. My life is dreary. I get through the drudgery of one day just to wake up and repeat it again the next. I am never enthused to get out of bed. In fact, some days I lay there and wonder how I'm going to muster up the energy to get out and begin again. What's the point? I can predict my day to a letter. Specifics of the routine may vary, but the routine is the same, nonetheless.
Yes, I know. Get a job. Get an apartment. Get the life you want. I know. I'm so angry. I don't want to get a new life. I want my old life. The one where I was happy and content. The one where I loved my husband beyond reason and my children were the light that carried me through every day. I want to feel quiet in my mind and contentment in my soul. I want everything the way it was and I'm so angry that it is not happening. I feel stuck and hopeless and too tired to do a thing about it.
I'm panicking that time is running out. There were so many things I wanted to do and my son will be off to college next year and my daughter the year after. I have not done 1/3 of the things I had planned with them and then it will be too late. They will be adults and have their own lives. I have missed my window. I have spent so much time bemoaning what cannot be that I've wasted precious years when I could have already started on my new life. I'm angry about lost time. I'm sad about wasted energy I spent worrying about things that don't matter.
When did life get so hard? Why couldn't it just stay the way it was? Why can't I be stronger than all of this? I will myself to do and be a certain way and it just doesn't work. I'm frustrated and defeated. I want to close my eyes and wake up and have everything the way I want it. It's not going to happen. Coming to grips with that fact is the hardest thing I've every had to do.
Once I make my changes, they are permanent. I do not go backward in my life. It will be all forward steps from that day on. I think that is why I'm so stagnant. I know that once the process begins, it is game on. No more wondering or trying. I will have admitted defeat and from that moment on my life is going to be totally different. For better or worse, but definitely different. It's scary. It's overwhelming. I'm not an impulsive person. When I do something, I have thought long and hard about it and I am confident in my decision. I guess I'm just not there yet. If I were, wouldn't I already be doing something about it?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
I'm OK
Yesterday my son had a baseball game out of town. As I sat wrapped in my blanket buffeting myself against that chill wind that blew incessantly on the top of the mountain where this game took place, my 'nemesis' came and sat two rows in front of me.
I didn't look at her. I didn't speak to her (or her fiance, for that matter). I had seen her since the 'incident' at another game but it was crowded and we were more spaced out so I barely noticed her. This game was sparsely attended because of the distance and the cold. There was no pretending we didn't know the other was there.
At first, I panicked. I thought for sure she would not show up. It has been her record in the past that inclement or cold weather usually keeps her from attending games. I had forgotten however that now she is going for Mom of the Year and is being supportive (like she told me to be...ok, maybe I'm not totally "OK.") There she was with her screechy voice, talking non-stop with another mom. She did not shut up the whole game. She talked about everybody. Every so often their voices would drop and they would whisper and look over at someone. I assumed that was when the less than flattering things were being said.
As I was sitting behind them, most of what they said carried back. "Do all them kids live with her? Are they all brothers and sisters? Or are they half?" On and on it went. As I sat there, I realized I had nothing to feel guilty about and my crime was much less than I was giving myself credit for. Just like this other mom was answering or asking questions in the back in forth repartee, so too did I in past conversations with this woman. It is just the type of conversations she has.
I am the type of person that I immediately take ownership of my faults. It does me no good at all to not acknowledge them. How can I grow and evolve in this lifetime if I don't even admit I have anything to work on? When she accused me of talking about people, I acknowledged that as my truth. I realized that every conversation with her somehow led to talking about people. Like I've said before, she would bash people. She would say horribly hurtful, mean things. I have gone over and over my part in these conversations and have found peace. I never, EVER told anybody's personal business. I never, EVER said anything mean about anybody. I never judged, I never was hurtful. It was normal conversation. When someone talks about someone's situation, you ask questions or you contribute something. It's natural. We all do it.
I told my husband after the game, when he inquired how I was, that really I was ok. I felt nothing. I felt no loss or sadness. I could actually sit there and pretend I didn't know her and really not have to put very much effort into the act. She is toxic. She is mentally unstable. If I get super honest, I've never liked her. She has annoyed me since day one. I don't like anything about her and I've been required to have a "friendship" with her for 18 years. It was difficult. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from me, a dark cloud has moved along after years of blocking the sun. It feels more honest this way. The hypocrisy can be put to bed and I can just ignore her and that feels more "right" to me.
When my friendship with the "other one" ended, I admit in one way, it was a good thing. However, I did miss her. I was sad and felt the loss because she and I did on some level click. We had interesting conversations, we found humor in many of the same things and she interested me. When she was out of my life, there was a void. I genuinely thought of her as a friend. It took me a long time to let that go because I wished things could have been different. With this one, I'm relieved. I sense an evil in her that is only going to get worse before it gets better. I am glad I will not have to even pretend to care when she falls apart. Maybe then she will be able to get honest with herself. Although, if history repeats itself, she will just find someone else to blame.
I didn't look at her. I didn't speak to her (or her fiance, for that matter). I had seen her since the 'incident' at another game but it was crowded and we were more spaced out so I barely noticed her. This game was sparsely attended because of the distance and the cold. There was no pretending we didn't know the other was there.
At first, I panicked. I thought for sure she would not show up. It has been her record in the past that inclement or cold weather usually keeps her from attending games. I had forgotten however that now she is going for Mom of the Year and is being supportive (like she told me to be...ok, maybe I'm not totally "OK.") There she was with her screechy voice, talking non-stop with another mom. She did not shut up the whole game. She talked about everybody. Every so often their voices would drop and they would whisper and look over at someone. I assumed that was when the less than flattering things were being said.
As I was sitting behind them, most of what they said carried back. "Do all them kids live with her? Are they all brothers and sisters? Or are they half?" On and on it went. As I sat there, I realized I had nothing to feel guilty about and my crime was much less than I was giving myself credit for. Just like this other mom was answering or asking questions in the back in forth repartee, so too did I in past conversations with this woman. It is just the type of conversations she has.
I am the type of person that I immediately take ownership of my faults. It does me no good at all to not acknowledge them. How can I grow and evolve in this lifetime if I don't even admit I have anything to work on? When she accused me of talking about people, I acknowledged that as my truth. I realized that every conversation with her somehow led to talking about people. Like I've said before, she would bash people. She would say horribly hurtful, mean things. I have gone over and over my part in these conversations and have found peace. I never, EVER told anybody's personal business. I never, EVER said anything mean about anybody. I never judged, I never was hurtful. It was normal conversation. When someone talks about someone's situation, you ask questions or you contribute something. It's natural. We all do it.
I told my husband after the game, when he inquired how I was, that really I was ok. I felt nothing. I felt no loss or sadness. I could actually sit there and pretend I didn't know her and really not have to put very much effort into the act. She is toxic. She is mentally unstable. If I get super honest, I've never liked her. She has annoyed me since day one. I don't like anything about her and I've been required to have a "friendship" with her for 18 years. It was difficult. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from me, a dark cloud has moved along after years of blocking the sun. It feels more honest this way. The hypocrisy can be put to bed and I can just ignore her and that feels more "right" to me.
When my friendship with the "other one" ended, I admit in one way, it was a good thing. However, I did miss her. I was sad and felt the loss because she and I did on some level click. We had interesting conversations, we found humor in many of the same things and she interested me. When she was out of my life, there was a void. I genuinely thought of her as a friend. It took me a long time to let that go because I wished things could have been different. With this one, I'm relieved. I sense an evil in her that is only going to get worse before it gets better. I am glad I will not have to even pretend to care when she falls apart. Maybe then she will be able to get honest with herself. Although, if history repeats itself, she will just find someone else to blame.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Focus!
What is wrong with me that every time there is a bump in the road, I derail? I am so positive and so focused. I wake up with intent and drive. Then there is a mishap and I immediately curl up into a ball and die.
I am so frustrated. My mind is racing with what I want to accomplish in a day. My body will not cooperate. I have spent hours, days, sitting somewhere and staring. I feel so overwhelmed. I am exhausted just thinking about all I have to do.
The only way I can achieve change is if I implement it and follow through. I have given up on my marriage. I don't even want to try any more. The tiniest dregs of hope no longer exist in me and I don't even care. I have to start over. I am so angry. This was NOT supposed to be my life. I was supposed to get married, live a happy, peaceful life and then die.
I hate drama. I hate that we can't just get along. When a piece of white trash scum who doesn't even know how to treat animals says that you are treating your husband poorly, you know you have hit rock bottom. Of course, nobody sees my husband's true colors when we are in public. He either sits stoically and remains silent or is the life of the party. The people at the wedding when he turned insane got a brief look at him but that's as close as he's ever come to showing what we see every day in our home. I can't turn it on and off like that. That is why our socializing as a couple has waned so much. It was too hard to live this crazy life and then go out and pretend everything was fine. According to psycho it was my mouth (are you sensing I'm still angry over this?) but it was just the effort it required and my lack of enthusiasm for the project. Regardless, I should NOT be speaking to anyone, let alone my husband, the way I do. I've lost respect. I'm angry. I want attention and I'm going about it all in the wrong way.
Before we went to the beach, I had a loose plan in my mind. I had goals set and wanted to start accomplishing them once we got back. I feel so beat up. I feel completely unloved and unwanted by everyone in my life. I don't fit anywhere. I have tried so hard to acclimate to my lifestyle. I have had an open mind and tried to find the good in everyone that HAD to be in my life. I went to family functions and tried to keep conversation flowing. I tried to find that niche with everyone and get along. My husband's family is so small. I think coming from a large family, I felt sorry for my kids. Family functions growing up were always productions. There were people everywhere. Literally, you could spend the whole day together and not get a chance to talk to everyone. Having my kids have a sense of tradition and family means everything to me and I have swallowed every emotion I've ever felt in order to make them comfortable and happy.
I even feel hurt by my kids lately. I feel like I am only here for maid duty or chef duty or to have the laundry done in a timely manner. My son especially is so self-centered. Whenever I am less than happy, he is sure to point it out. Then he tells me I shouldn't be so stressed out. I wish I could tell this kid what I have put up with for the sake of this family. No money. No friends. No affection. No sex. No compassion. No family. No relationship. My husband is content to be my third child.
I want a relationship with an educated, evolved man. I want a man who can sit down and discuss things, not someone who waits for me to tell him what to say or feel. I do not want someone who parrots me. I feel like my husband has not had a thought independent from one of mine since we've met. He tries to anticipate how I would think and acts accordingly. That's a dangerous game. Noone knows what someone else would do in every situation. I don't even know what I'm going to do or think until something happens.
I have to get my focus back. I have to start working out again and eating well (those are always the first things to go when I'm under stress). I have to remember that life is not just going to happen, I have to make it what I want. I have to remember I am strong, I am smart and I can have anything I want in this lifetime. I just have to find the energy to do it.
I am so frustrated. My mind is racing with what I want to accomplish in a day. My body will not cooperate. I have spent hours, days, sitting somewhere and staring. I feel so overwhelmed. I am exhausted just thinking about all I have to do.
The only way I can achieve change is if I implement it and follow through. I have given up on my marriage. I don't even want to try any more. The tiniest dregs of hope no longer exist in me and I don't even care. I have to start over. I am so angry. This was NOT supposed to be my life. I was supposed to get married, live a happy, peaceful life and then die.
I hate drama. I hate that we can't just get along. When a piece of white trash scum who doesn't even know how to treat animals says that you are treating your husband poorly, you know you have hit rock bottom. Of course, nobody sees my husband's true colors when we are in public. He either sits stoically and remains silent or is the life of the party. The people at the wedding when he turned insane got a brief look at him but that's as close as he's ever come to showing what we see every day in our home. I can't turn it on and off like that. That is why our socializing as a couple has waned so much. It was too hard to live this crazy life and then go out and pretend everything was fine. According to psycho it was my mouth (are you sensing I'm still angry over this?) but it was just the effort it required and my lack of enthusiasm for the project. Regardless, I should NOT be speaking to anyone, let alone my husband, the way I do. I've lost respect. I'm angry. I want attention and I'm going about it all in the wrong way.
Before we went to the beach, I had a loose plan in my mind. I had goals set and wanted to start accomplishing them once we got back. I feel so beat up. I feel completely unloved and unwanted by everyone in my life. I don't fit anywhere. I have tried so hard to acclimate to my lifestyle. I have had an open mind and tried to find the good in everyone that HAD to be in my life. I went to family functions and tried to keep conversation flowing. I tried to find that niche with everyone and get along. My husband's family is so small. I think coming from a large family, I felt sorry for my kids. Family functions growing up were always productions. There were people everywhere. Literally, you could spend the whole day together and not get a chance to talk to everyone. Having my kids have a sense of tradition and family means everything to me and I have swallowed every emotion I've ever felt in order to make them comfortable and happy.
I even feel hurt by my kids lately. I feel like I am only here for maid duty or chef duty or to have the laundry done in a timely manner. My son especially is so self-centered. Whenever I am less than happy, he is sure to point it out. Then he tells me I shouldn't be so stressed out. I wish I could tell this kid what I have put up with for the sake of this family. No money. No friends. No affection. No sex. No compassion. No family. No relationship. My husband is content to be my third child.
I want a relationship with an educated, evolved man. I want a man who can sit down and discuss things, not someone who waits for me to tell him what to say or feel. I do not want someone who parrots me. I feel like my husband has not had a thought independent from one of mine since we've met. He tries to anticipate how I would think and acts accordingly. That's a dangerous game. Noone knows what someone else would do in every situation. I don't even know what I'm going to do or think until something happens.
I have to get my focus back. I have to start working out again and eating well (those are always the first things to go when I'm under stress). I have to remember that life is not just going to happen, I have to make it what I want. I have to remember I am strong, I am smart and I can have anything I want in this lifetime. I just have to find the energy to do it.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
People Disappoint Me
After my facebook drama, I decided to go through my friends and delete alot of local people. If you live by me and we NEVER communicate on facebook, I decided we did not need to be friends on there. Whatever happened to just having "real" friendships?
I deleted about 35 people. I deleted all of my husband's friends. Why was I friends with them to begin with? If they need to know something shouldn't they just ask my husband? One of his friends sent a text "as head of the ________ family...." He told me they were glad they didn't make the cut. This was a family who I have prepared TONS of food for when they had a death. We are always at their house and they at mine. I considered them such close friends. I was so hurt.
I wrote back and told him I was hoping we could just be real friends like we were before facebook. Of course he wrote back, "no problem here. I don't care for facebook anyway." Ok, I guess problem solved. I just could not get over his first text. After years of friendship, his whole family was glad they weren't my friends anymore? I loved this family. I felt so close to them. He couldn't take back those words now that they were typed. I so wish he had just asked why they were deleted rather than the way he handled it. That I could have gotten over. That I could have understood. The way he did it, I just don't get.
I have been so disappointed by people this week. I guess I expect everyone to be like I am. If someone had deleted me on facebook, I am the type of person that would go up to them in public and be like, "ohhh, I don't know if I can talk to you anymore, we're not facebook friends!" I would tease them for a minute and then assume they use facebook for other things. I like to keep in touch with friends and family from my past or who are far away. I feel so utterly connected to the girl I used to be. The carefree, happy girl of my youth. I don't think I even knew what anger or sadness were back then. I just had a lightness about me.
I was on the phone with my mom when I received that text. She said it was the first time she has ever heard me cry. I mean, I assume I cried when I was a baby but I have never cried in front of my parents since I can remember. She said it was the first time she has ever heard me sad. She told me she can always count on me to be cheerful and positive, no matter what is going on. She said I always make her feel good and everyone who has ever met me or spoken to me on the phone has always come up to her afterward and told her what a pleasant person I am. She said, "it doesn't matter if you spoke to them for two minutes on your walk around the park, they always come up to me and say how lovely you are to speak with." She said everyone loves me and I shouldn't let those people hurt me.
Logically, I know this. The woman who went so crazy on me told me that friends are never trustworthy and are never as good as you think they are. I defended my friends. I told her, mine are. We will always be there for eachother, whether we see eachother never or every day, I feel that connectedness. I am learning who those friends are though. Some, who I thought were true, are proving disappointing. Others, who I barely knew, are proving a pleasant surprise. I pity the woman who hates me so. I feel sorry that she will never know a true, loyal friend.
I have gotten bare bones honest with myself. I have replayed our conversations in my head, wondering if I was deluding myself or projecting. I can honestly say, I have not said a mean thing about a person (well, that's not entirely true, I have said VERY mean things about the two women who I have fought with in my adulthood). I talked about situations with this woman. The normal things we ALL talk about. So and so is getting divorced, he's moving out, she's keeping the house, etc. SHE is the type who defames peoples' characters. She speaks about THEM rather than their lives. She judges and accused me of that. WRONG! I cannot even believe I got sucked into it for a minute. I know me. I know I wouldn't do it and I can't believe I even had to pause to wonder. She has an amazing ability to lie, to others and herself. I don't know if it's mental illness or a coping mechanism, but every thing she said I do is her. I need to know that and move on.
In the midst of all of this my brother tried to commit suicide. He is a horrible alcoholic. He had 14 or 15 years sober and fell off of the wagon a couple of years ago. The decline is so much faster than the first go round. I don't know how serious it is. He is not reaching out to our family and we have learned there is nothing you can do for an alcoholic until they are ready for help. He is very much the type who likes pity. I have a friend who is in contact with him and she and a group of people are trying to give him some tough love and help him. I'm trying to understand that I cannot control the situation but of course that's easier said than done. I want to fix it. I just want him to live a normal life.
I guess this week is going to be learning about things I can't control and learning how to live with that. I just wish the big life lessons didn't have to be so hard.
I deleted about 35 people. I deleted all of my husband's friends. Why was I friends with them to begin with? If they need to know something shouldn't they just ask my husband? One of his friends sent a text "as head of the ________ family...." He told me they were glad they didn't make the cut. This was a family who I have prepared TONS of food for when they had a death. We are always at their house and they at mine. I considered them such close friends. I was so hurt.
I wrote back and told him I was hoping we could just be real friends like we were before facebook. Of course he wrote back, "no problem here. I don't care for facebook anyway." Ok, I guess problem solved. I just could not get over his first text. After years of friendship, his whole family was glad they weren't my friends anymore? I loved this family. I felt so close to them. He couldn't take back those words now that they were typed. I so wish he had just asked why they were deleted rather than the way he handled it. That I could have gotten over. That I could have understood. The way he did it, I just don't get.
I have been so disappointed by people this week. I guess I expect everyone to be like I am. If someone had deleted me on facebook, I am the type of person that would go up to them in public and be like, "ohhh, I don't know if I can talk to you anymore, we're not facebook friends!" I would tease them for a minute and then assume they use facebook for other things. I like to keep in touch with friends and family from my past or who are far away. I feel so utterly connected to the girl I used to be. The carefree, happy girl of my youth. I don't think I even knew what anger or sadness were back then. I just had a lightness about me.
I was on the phone with my mom when I received that text. She said it was the first time she has ever heard me cry. I mean, I assume I cried when I was a baby but I have never cried in front of my parents since I can remember. She said it was the first time she has ever heard me sad. She told me she can always count on me to be cheerful and positive, no matter what is going on. She said I always make her feel good and everyone who has ever met me or spoken to me on the phone has always come up to her afterward and told her what a pleasant person I am. She said, "it doesn't matter if you spoke to them for two minutes on your walk around the park, they always come up to me and say how lovely you are to speak with." She said everyone loves me and I shouldn't let those people hurt me.
Logically, I know this. The woman who went so crazy on me told me that friends are never trustworthy and are never as good as you think they are. I defended my friends. I told her, mine are. We will always be there for eachother, whether we see eachother never or every day, I feel that connectedness. I am learning who those friends are though. Some, who I thought were true, are proving disappointing. Others, who I barely knew, are proving a pleasant surprise. I pity the woman who hates me so. I feel sorry that she will never know a true, loyal friend.
I have gotten bare bones honest with myself. I have replayed our conversations in my head, wondering if I was deluding myself or projecting. I can honestly say, I have not said a mean thing about a person (well, that's not entirely true, I have said VERY mean things about the two women who I have fought with in my adulthood). I talked about situations with this woman. The normal things we ALL talk about. So and so is getting divorced, he's moving out, she's keeping the house, etc. SHE is the type who defames peoples' characters. She speaks about THEM rather than their lives. She judges and accused me of that. WRONG! I cannot even believe I got sucked into it for a minute. I know me. I know I wouldn't do it and I can't believe I even had to pause to wonder. She has an amazing ability to lie, to others and herself. I don't know if it's mental illness or a coping mechanism, but every thing she said I do is her. I need to know that and move on.
In the midst of all of this my brother tried to commit suicide. He is a horrible alcoholic. He had 14 or 15 years sober and fell off of the wagon a couple of years ago. The decline is so much faster than the first go round. I don't know how serious it is. He is not reaching out to our family and we have learned there is nothing you can do for an alcoholic until they are ready for help. He is very much the type who likes pity. I have a friend who is in contact with him and she and a group of people are trying to give him some tough love and help him. I'm trying to understand that I cannot control the situation but of course that's easier said than done. I want to fix it. I just want him to live a normal life.
I guess this week is going to be learning about things I can't control and learning how to live with that. I just wish the big life lessons didn't have to be so hard.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
So Over It
Well, yesterday was an interesting day. For once, I had some drama not involving myself and my own little world. This was from a very unexpected source.
I shared a facebook status about a local girl who had anorexia and used the tanning booth alot and tragically had passed away. She was the story behind the post but the POINT of the post was that as a society we are always seeking that "ideal." We want to be thinner, prettier, younger and for what? This girl did things to be more beautiful and it killed her. It was sad and tragic. I didn't know the girl (I made that clear in my status), I didn't mention her name and only one person in my friends knew her personally.
Well, sure enough that ONE person piped up. She said I didn't know her and how dare I judge her, blah, blah, blah. I responded on facebook and then sent a text. I told her to reread the post because I thought she was missing the point. She said she did 20 times and then she just got plain nasty. She said I am so judgemental and all I do is talk about people and she's been putting up with it for years and can't take it any more.
Ironically, THIS person is the one who told me about the dead girl's problems. THIS person also shared much more personal things about the deceased but I didn't share them on facebook because the point of the status was not about the girl but about perception and image and wasted time. If this person knows something, so does the world. Years ago, we were in a wedding together. All she did was complain about the dresses. She then flipped out on the bride and said, "even Kiraly thinks the dresses are ugly." I NEVER said anything of the kind. I called the bride and told her I didn't care if I wore a sack, I had my day in my gown, it was NOT about me at all. I don't know if because I never flat out disagreed with her she thought I was saying the same thing or what. If she were really paying attention she would KNOW I never said one word.
I admit, most of the time I was with her, we did just talk about everyone and everything. It was the only thing we had in common, people we knew. I would just fish for information and she would gladly oblige and tell everyone's life story. It was boredom on my part. Rather than sit in silence, I figured out early on, the way to fill it was to get her talking about anyone and the time would fly by. It was never malicious gossip, just stories. SHE however, would say things like, "I hate so and so, she thinks she's so much better than everyone, etc." She would attack peoples' characters. She has had fights with every member of my husband's family. She was in a feud for years with one sister but then had a huge fight with her other sister and is now talking to sister #1. She accused sister #2's husband of being gay and on drugs, etc. See what I mean? Character assasination.
She then told me that maybe I was unhappy with my life and that's why I talked about everyone else. Well, as true as that is, not really. With my other friends, we talk about nutrition, health, clothes, food, kids and on and on and on. It is with this particular person the talk revolved around people. I'm not proud of it. It is small and beneath me and I was always exhausted when I left her because it was so negative. The problem was I couldn't avoid her. She then told me that was why I don't see any of my old friends, because of "my mouth."
First of all, I'm not sure how she knows who I'm seeing and when. I see this person on average 10 times a year at family gatherings. Sometimes I will see her in between and now that the boys are on the same baseball team I see her there. I don't talk to her really though. I found it really interesting that she knows me so well yet knows nothing about what I do on a daily basis. She also told me I treat my husband terribly and she doesn't know how he lives like that. She is literally crazy and I'm not sure how her fiance lives like that but never felt it was my place to speculate about it. He loves her and it's his business what goes on in his love life. She also told me I need meds. Again, not sure how she knows my mental state so well.
I informed her that I hate my husband and was probably getting a divorce. I informed her that my friends (my REAL friends) know how stressful my marriage is and understand that I've had to take a break from my social life because it's too difficult to put on the happy face. I assured her that they are very much in touch with me and are always checking in and that we do keep in touch in ways I am able to handle at this time. I see my one friend, my neighbor, almost every day so I'm still not sure where she is getting her information. In fact, I went to my friend's house when she got home from work and let her read all of the texts and we had a good laugh. There is nothing like a true friend to put things into perspective.
Then she told me that I should be at my son's baseball games instead of on facebook. I told her I did see him run around the bases once and play one inning (that was the total playing time he got in Myrtle). She said, "who cares, you should support him, he scored our first run yesterday." Yes, I was sorry I missed that but I'm sure there will be more. It's interesting to me that she missed a few games when her son was on the bench but now that he's back on the field she's the great cheerleader.
The last time we were together she was talking about her sisters' kids and how they never had sit down meals and never ate breakfast, lunch and dinner, etc. I was thinking, she NEVER makes meals. Out of her own mouth she will say that. Her son wouldn't eat lunch when he was younger until 2 p.m. when he would show up at his grandmother's starving. Her boyfriend works a full day and has to come home and make dinner every night. Did I contradict her? Did I go home and talk about this with my husband? Nope. I thought it but again, her life, her business. She had such a huge fight with her own daughter the cops were called and her daughter moved down south. Did I accuse her of horrible mothering? Did I judge her? I don't know her situation. I do know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
The fact that she has been going home for years and talking about all of my short comings proves one thing. SHE cannot stop talking about people. Does she not see this? SHE made my post about the deceased rather than about the bigger concept. SHE talks about me to everyone. SHE talks about anyone you ask about. SHE is unhappy.
I told her I was glad we had this little conversation. I was tired of sitting on the fence. I'm so glad my husband and kids have someone to watch out for them when I'm gone. She can take right over. Since she hasn't even been able to procure the title of wife in 18 years, I'm sure she'll do a bang up job. I have put up with her and her ghetto-fabulous self for years with patience to keep peace in this family and for what? For her to flip? She then said she was stressed and angry because she lost her friend. I told her I was sorry she chose to direct that anger on me. I do not forgive these days. I do not forget these days. I am all done being walked all over in the name of kindness and having people accuse me of being a witch anyway. Maybe it's time they see just how nasty I can be.
I shared a facebook status about a local girl who had anorexia and used the tanning booth alot and tragically had passed away. She was the story behind the post but the POINT of the post was that as a society we are always seeking that "ideal." We want to be thinner, prettier, younger and for what? This girl did things to be more beautiful and it killed her. It was sad and tragic. I didn't know the girl (I made that clear in my status), I didn't mention her name and only one person in my friends knew her personally.
Well, sure enough that ONE person piped up. She said I didn't know her and how dare I judge her, blah, blah, blah. I responded on facebook and then sent a text. I told her to reread the post because I thought she was missing the point. She said she did 20 times and then she just got plain nasty. She said I am so judgemental and all I do is talk about people and she's been putting up with it for years and can't take it any more.
Ironically, THIS person is the one who told me about the dead girl's problems. THIS person also shared much more personal things about the deceased but I didn't share them on facebook because the point of the status was not about the girl but about perception and image and wasted time. If this person knows something, so does the world. Years ago, we were in a wedding together. All she did was complain about the dresses. She then flipped out on the bride and said, "even Kiraly thinks the dresses are ugly." I NEVER said anything of the kind. I called the bride and told her I didn't care if I wore a sack, I had my day in my gown, it was NOT about me at all. I don't know if because I never flat out disagreed with her she thought I was saying the same thing or what. If she were really paying attention she would KNOW I never said one word.
I admit, most of the time I was with her, we did just talk about everyone and everything. It was the only thing we had in common, people we knew. I would just fish for information and she would gladly oblige and tell everyone's life story. It was boredom on my part. Rather than sit in silence, I figured out early on, the way to fill it was to get her talking about anyone and the time would fly by. It was never malicious gossip, just stories. SHE however, would say things like, "I hate so and so, she thinks she's so much better than everyone, etc." She would attack peoples' characters. She has had fights with every member of my husband's family. She was in a feud for years with one sister but then had a huge fight with her other sister and is now talking to sister #1. She accused sister #2's husband of being gay and on drugs, etc. See what I mean? Character assasination.
She then told me that maybe I was unhappy with my life and that's why I talked about everyone else. Well, as true as that is, not really. With my other friends, we talk about nutrition, health, clothes, food, kids and on and on and on. It is with this particular person the talk revolved around people. I'm not proud of it. It is small and beneath me and I was always exhausted when I left her because it was so negative. The problem was I couldn't avoid her. She then told me that was why I don't see any of my old friends, because of "my mouth."
First of all, I'm not sure how she knows who I'm seeing and when. I see this person on average 10 times a year at family gatherings. Sometimes I will see her in between and now that the boys are on the same baseball team I see her there. I don't talk to her really though. I found it really interesting that she knows me so well yet knows nothing about what I do on a daily basis. She also told me I treat my husband terribly and she doesn't know how he lives like that. She is literally crazy and I'm not sure how her fiance lives like that but never felt it was my place to speculate about it. He loves her and it's his business what goes on in his love life. She also told me I need meds. Again, not sure how she knows my mental state so well.
I informed her that I hate my husband and was probably getting a divorce. I informed her that my friends (my REAL friends) know how stressful my marriage is and understand that I've had to take a break from my social life because it's too difficult to put on the happy face. I assured her that they are very much in touch with me and are always checking in and that we do keep in touch in ways I am able to handle at this time. I see my one friend, my neighbor, almost every day so I'm still not sure where she is getting her information. In fact, I went to my friend's house when she got home from work and let her read all of the texts and we had a good laugh. There is nothing like a true friend to put things into perspective.
Then she told me that I should be at my son's baseball games instead of on facebook. I told her I did see him run around the bases once and play one inning (that was the total playing time he got in Myrtle). She said, "who cares, you should support him, he scored our first run yesterday." Yes, I was sorry I missed that but I'm sure there will be more. It's interesting to me that she missed a few games when her son was on the bench but now that he's back on the field she's the great cheerleader.
The last time we were together she was talking about her sisters' kids and how they never had sit down meals and never ate breakfast, lunch and dinner, etc. I was thinking, she NEVER makes meals. Out of her own mouth she will say that. Her son wouldn't eat lunch when he was younger until 2 p.m. when he would show up at his grandmother's starving. Her boyfriend works a full day and has to come home and make dinner every night. Did I contradict her? Did I go home and talk about this with my husband? Nope. I thought it but again, her life, her business. She had such a huge fight with her own daughter the cops were called and her daughter moved down south. Did I accuse her of horrible mothering? Did I judge her? I don't know her situation. I do know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
The fact that she has been going home for years and talking about all of my short comings proves one thing. SHE cannot stop talking about people. Does she not see this? SHE made my post about the deceased rather than about the bigger concept. SHE talks about me to everyone. SHE talks about anyone you ask about. SHE is unhappy.
I told her I was glad we had this little conversation. I was tired of sitting on the fence. I'm so glad my husband and kids have someone to watch out for them when I'm gone. She can take right over. Since she hasn't even been able to procure the title of wife in 18 years, I'm sure she'll do a bang up job. I have put up with her and her ghetto-fabulous self for years with patience to keep peace in this family and for what? For her to flip? She then said she was stressed and angry because she lost her friend. I told her I was sorry she chose to direct that anger on me. I do not forgive these days. I do not forget these days. I am all done being walked all over in the name of kindness and having people accuse me of being a witch anyway. Maybe it's time they see just how nasty I can be.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Stop!
I get so frustrated with myself. I resolve that I will behave and think a certain way and I end up being sucked into the darkness that has become my world. I vow I will not go there and then I find myself with my old comfortable friend, negativity, and can't figure out how it happened.
I have to be stronger. I have to be in control of myself. How do I call myself an evolved human being when I cannot control my most base impulses? I say and do whatever pops into my small mind. I have never been this person. I have been able to be silent through the most trying times in my life. Why can't I summon that strength now? I feel the words gathering in my mouth, tumbling over eachother in their haste to be released. I feel the spite and anger racing eachother to see who will be first to attack. I have a moment's pause, but just a moment, before I release the hounds.
He wants to fight. He wants to disagree. He wants to vent his frustration with his unhappiness in our lives somewhere and I am convenient. I know this. I know I cannot give him what he wants. I know until I close my mouth, this will be our relationship. I am the only one who can change what I don't like about my life. I am trying so hard. I want so badly the life I dream of when I close my eyes and just let my mind wander.
I am so peaceful at those times. I am so happy. I am meant to be a happy person. Some people are comfortable being argumentative and 'right' all of the time. It's never been very important to me to be right. That is a huge reason we are in the mess we are. I should have been forceful years ago. I had no idea that I needed to be that way to make my husband really hear me and respect me. That disappoints me.
I want a husband who will listen, really listen. I want a husband who will talk, really talk. I want his opinion. I want him to share whatever pops into his head. I am so open to anything. I love that people are so diverse and full of different opinions and lifestyles. It fascinates me. I am so open to change in my life. I could be a rich snob. I could be a granola-eating hippie. I could be a career mogul. I could be a crafty housewife. I love the fact that I am never committed to any one path in my life.
I will try harder. I know I am strong. I know I am able. If I want to approach my life with nothing but positivity, it may be ignorant, but it is what I wish. I will have fun on this vacation. I will not let his moods affect me. This will be my biggest challenge. I find on the days when I can REALLY ignore him and his foulness, I do find a measure of contentedness. I find my peace. I can do this.
I have to be stronger. I have to be in control of myself. How do I call myself an evolved human being when I cannot control my most base impulses? I say and do whatever pops into my small mind. I have never been this person. I have been able to be silent through the most trying times in my life. Why can't I summon that strength now? I feel the words gathering in my mouth, tumbling over eachother in their haste to be released. I feel the spite and anger racing eachother to see who will be first to attack. I have a moment's pause, but just a moment, before I release the hounds.
He wants to fight. He wants to disagree. He wants to vent his frustration with his unhappiness in our lives somewhere and I am convenient. I know this. I know I cannot give him what he wants. I know until I close my mouth, this will be our relationship. I am the only one who can change what I don't like about my life. I am trying so hard. I want so badly the life I dream of when I close my eyes and just let my mind wander.
I am so peaceful at those times. I am so happy. I am meant to be a happy person. Some people are comfortable being argumentative and 'right' all of the time. It's never been very important to me to be right. That is a huge reason we are in the mess we are. I should have been forceful years ago. I had no idea that I needed to be that way to make my husband really hear me and respect me. That disappoints me.
I want a husband who will listen, really listen. I want a husband who will talk, really talk. I want his opinion. I want him to share whatever pops into his head. I am so open to anything. I love that people are so diverse and full of different opinions and lifestyles. It fascinates me. I am so open to change in my life. I could be a rich snob. I could be a granola-eating hippie. I could be a career mogul. I could be a crafty housewife. I love the fact that I am never committed to any one path in my life.
I will try harder. I know I am strong. I know I am able. If I want to approach my life with nothing but positivity, it may be ignorant, but it is what I wish. I will have fun on this vacation. I will not let his moods affect me. This will be my biggest challenge. I find on the days when I can REALLY ignore him and his foulness, I do find a measure of contentedness. I find my peace. I can do this.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Vacation...Whoop De Doo
We are going to Myrtle for my son's baseball tournaments next week. Since he is now relegated to third string on the team because of our school board's lack of financial aptitude, this should be fun.
I am not a fan of Myrtle Beach. We went once years ago because everyone here raves about it. I found it overcrowded, commercialized and a bit 'cheesy.' It is not my idea of vacation. I also didn't like the fact that no matter where I looked I saw someone from my town. On the beach, at the hotel, out to dinner, they were everywhere. What's the point of going away if everyone comes with you?
I could get on board with just going down there and sitting on the beach the whole time. Let's face it, a beach is fabulous no matter where it is. When we went the first time, the kids were younger and we felt compelled to partake in all of the gimmicky activities. I did enjoy the aquarium but the rest was just not me. Since my son will be with his team, I am sure my daughter would be delighted just to hang on the beach and do a little shopping. I think I would enjoy that.
I know my husband. He will be a nightmare about ALL of us having to be at EVERY game. I don't agree. If my child's not playing, I am completely uninterested. I could care less about how his team does. I am not a good parent for an athletic child. I hate competitive sports. I am a nervous wreck at them. I always feel an absurd amount of sympathy for the losing team. God help me if a kid messes up and loses the game for his team. My heart literally cracks in half. I want to cry because I am so sad for him. There is so much pressure. I'm just not cut out for it. I get absolutely zero enjoyment sitting in the hot sun, in a barren ballfield, cooking while a bunch of kids battle it out.
If my husband would just leave my daughter and I alone, I would be fine with going. I know I will not be so lucky. Already he is telling me what we will eat. We will NOT be going out to dinner every night. We will NOT be buying alot of food to keep in the room because we will probably not eat it, etc. What kind of vacation is this? He informs me, it is NOT vacation. We are going to support our son and that is all. Wow, he's really making something I'm already dreading soooo much more appealing.
I'm meeting an old friend from college down there. He is furious about that too. When I asked him why he was so angry about it, he said because I was going to be "wanting money to go out or party." Yes, I am such a "go out girl." When I asked him why we paid off our credit cards and freed up almost $2,000 a month and our situation has gotten worse, I got the same answer. We have to use cash for everything now. OK? Again, why don't we have it? If we aren't paying all of those bills every month don't we have that cash to use to live on?
Round and round we go. He never answers me. He told me that when we get home from Myrtle he is going to sit down and show me our finances. Well, since he is behind about 3 months on that plan already, I will be surprised if it happens. Then he told me I can get a job and start contributing to the expenses of the house. I had a job. I loved my job and had to quit it because he couldn't take care of two teenagers who were self-sufficient. That's irony.
I told him, it's already on the list. I planned on getting a job when we got back. I then told him he will not be getting one red cent of my money. My last paycheck all went into a checking account that I never withdrew one dime from. He used it for whatever he wanted. I informed him, my money this time will be for me and my kids. I will be opening my own account and he will not have access to it. Ever.
He also blamed me for our financial mess. I told him that several times I came up with plans to get us out of debt. Once we got the lump sum of money he screwed up the plan by putting it in the bank and using it to pay off bills month by month until it was gone instead of paying them off in one shot like I said to do. He told me I was "not very insistent." Really? So because I told him what to do and then didn't become a maniac about it, he didn't need to do it? I then informed him that the old Kiraly didn't like to argue or make him unhappy. The old Kiraly wanted to be calm and reasonable and talk it out and try to coerce him to do what was the right thing without being a witch about it. How sad is it that if I had been the harping shrew I now am back then, this would have all been resolved?
Yes, now I don't back down. I am a barking dog until he does what I want. Ironically, our situation is finally clearing up. He is doing what I say to do because I don't stop until he does. The problem? I hate myself. This is NOT me. I believe adults should be able to communicate, respect eachother and work things out, as a team. Being his mean mommy is not working for me. Maybe that's the only thing he understands but I can't stay in this role anymore.
I am not a fan of Myrtle Beach. We went once years ago because everyone here raves about it. I found it overcrowded, commercialized and a bit 'cheesy.' It is not my idea of vacation. I also didn't like the fact that no matter where I looked I saw someone from my town. On the beach, at the hotel, out to dinner, they were everywhere. What's the point of going away if everyone comes with you?
I could get on board with just going down there and sitting on the beach the whole time. Let's face it, a beach is fabulous no matter where it is. When we went the first time, the kids were younger and we felt compelled to partake in all of the gimmicky activities. I did enjoy the aquarium but the rest was just not me. Since my son will be with his team, I am sure my daughter would be delighted just to hang on the beach and do a little shopping. I think I would enjoy that.
I know my husband. He will be a nightmare about ALL of us having to be at EVERY game. I don't agree. If my child's not playing, I am completely uninterested. I could care less about how his team does. I am not a good parent for an athletic child. I hate competitive sports. I am a nervous wreck at them. I always feel an absurd amount of sympathy for the losing team. God help me if a kid messes up and loses the game for his team. My heart literally cracks in half. I want to cry because I am so sad for him. There is so much pressure. I'm just not cut out for it. I get absolutely zero enjoyment sitting in the hot sun, in a barren ballfield, cooking while a bunch of kids battle it out.
If my husband would just leave my daughter and I alone, I would be fine with going. I know I will not be so lucky. Already he is telling me what we will eat. We will NOT be going out to dinner every night. We will NOT be buying alot of food to keep in the room because we will probably not eat it, etc. What kind of vacation is this? He informs me, it is NOT vacation. We are going to support our son and that is all. Wow, he's really making something I'm already dreading soooo much more appealing.
I'm meeting an old friend from college down there. He is furious about that too. When I asked him why he was so angry about it, he said because I was going to be "wanting money to go out or party." Yes, I am such a "go out girl." When I asked him why we paid off our credit cards and freed up almost $2,000 a month and our situation has gotten worse, I got the same answer. We have to use cash for everything now. OK? Again, why don't we have it? If we aren't paying all of those bills every month don't we have that cash to use to live on?
Round and round we go. He never answers me. He told me that when we get home from Myrtle he is going to sit down and show me our finances. Well, since he is behind about 3 months on that plan already, I will be surprised if it happens. Then he told me I can get a job and start contributing to the expenses of the house. I had a job. I loved my job and had to quit it because he couldn't take care of two teenagers who were self-sufficient. That's irony.
I told him, it's already on the list. I planned on getting a job when we got back. I then told him he will not be getting one red cent of my money. My last paycheck all went into a checking account that I never withdrew one dime from. He used it for whatever he wanted. I informed him, my money this time will be for me and my kids. I will be opening my own account and he will not have access to it. Ever.
He also blamed me for our financial mess. I told him that several times I came up with plans to get us out of debt. Once we got the lump sum of money he screwed up the plan by putting it in the bank and using it to pay off bills month by month until it was gone instead of paying them off in one shot like I said to do. He told me I was "not very insistent." Really? So because I told him what to do and then didn't become a maniac about it, he didn't need to do it? I then informed him that the old Kiraly didn't like to argue or make him unhappy. The old Kiraly wanted to be calm and reasonable and talk it out and try to coerce him to do what was the right thing without being a witch about it. How sad is it that if I had been the harping shrew I now am back then, this would have all been resolved?
Yes, now I don't back down. I am a barking dog until he does what I want. Ironically, our situation is finally clearing up. He is doing what I say to do because I don't stop until he does. The problem? I hate myself. This is NOT me. I believe adults should be able to communicate, respect eachother and work things out, as a team. Being his mean mommy is not working for me. Maybe that's the only thing he understands but I can't stay in this role anymore.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Trapped
Now I know why it is called 'madness.' Slowly, any semblance of logical rational thought slips away until you are completely consumed by anger, regret and remorse. The worst part of it all? For the present moment, you are powerless to change it.
I am going mad. I am mad. They are one and the same. I cannot hear his voice. I cannot look at his face. I am filling with hatred. I am filling with spite. I am filling with emotions I never thought I would be capable of feeling for any human being let alone one I loved more than myself.
Love and hate. Are there two emotions more interchangeable? Both require such intensity. Both require passion. That which we love the most is that which we can hate at the flip of a switch. I am frightened because I only feel one now. The love is gone. I just want out. I just want it over.
I am wishing my kids' lives to pass more quickly because I know if they were both in college I would already be gone. It's awful. I am wasting these last precious years with my babies because I cannot wait to escape their father. That thought, that dream, is the only reason I bother to rise from my bed in the morning. If the only thing I had to look forward to is the monotony of my life and fighting with this beast, I don't think I would make the effort.
I pity my children. Their last memories of living with us are going to be of dysfunction and tension. I am afraid that all of the wonderful times and the carefree light-hearted years are being eclipsed by the now. I know for me, that is certainly the case. I can barely recall ever being happy. I can conjure just the faintest of feelings when I remember how our family used to be.
He doesn't get it. He will never get it. He is too stubborn. He is too proud. He is too emotionally unevolved to grasp that he has complete control over the outcome of our situation. If he had even put forth one iota of effort, our lives could be very different at this moment and in the future. He had the power in the palm of his hand and he is too slow to grasp it.
I've given all I have to give. I have tried so hard to save my marriage that I never in a million years thought I would put forth this amount of effort into anything in my life, let alone a man. I have talked and yelled. I have cried and pouted. I am emotionally wrung out. I have nothing left to devote to this worthless cause.
It is time to plan my future. A future that will be mine. That I will have complete and utter control of. A future that will succeed or fail based on the effort I put into it. A future that will bring about my happiness or my demise. The difference will be I will own it. It will be completely of my making and what it becomes can be laid squarely on my shoulders and noone else's. I cannnot wait.
I am going mad. I am mad. They are one and the same. I cannot hear his voice. I cannot look at his face. I am filling with hatred. I am filling with spite. I am filling with emotions I never thought I would be capable of feeling for any human being let alone one I loved more than myself.
Love and hate. Are there two emotions more interchangeable? Both require such intensity. Both require passion. That which we love the most is that which we can hate at the flip of a switch. I am frightened because I only feel one now. The love is gone. I just want out. I just want it over.
I am wishing my kids' lives to pass more quickly because I know if they were both in college I would already be gone. It's awful. I am wasting these last precious years with my babies because I cannot wait to escape their father. That thought, that dream, is the only reason I bother to rise from my bed in the morning. If the only thing I had to look forward to is the monotony of my life and fighting with this beast, I don't think I would make the effort.
I pity my children. Their last memories of living with us are going to be of dysfunction and tension. I am afraid that all of the wonderful times and the carefree light-hearted years are being eclipsed by the now. I know for me, that is certainly the case. I can barely recall ever being happy. I can conjure just the faintest of feelings when I remember how our family used to be.
He doesn't get it. He will never get it. He is too stubborn. He is too proud. He is too emotionally unevolved to grasp that he has complete control over the outcome of our situation. If he had even put forth one iota of effort, our lives could be very different at this moment and in the future. He had the power in the palm of his hand and he is too slow to grasp it.
I've given all I have to give. I have tried so hard to save my marriage that I never in a million years thought I would put forth this amount of effort into anything in my life, let alone a man. I have talked and yelled. I have cried and pouted. I am emotionally wrung out. I have nothing left to devote to this worthless cause.
It is time to plan my future. A future that will be mine. That I will have complete and utter control of. A future that will succeed or fail based on the effort I put into it. A future that will bring about my happiness or my demise. The difference will be I will own it. It will be completely of my making and what it becomes can be laid squarely on my shoulders and noone else's. I cannnot wait.
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