I cannot stop wondering how I am the mother of such great kids. Lately, I have just been really grateful for my relationships with both of my children. Each is unique, yet so fulfilling in it's own right.
My son is my quiet serious man. He is obedient to a fault. He is shy and nervous in new situations. He does what is asked of him without a lot of drama. He never puts himself out there. My neighbor recently told me that he is "very humble." That sums him up. Interestingly, he reminds me of myself when I was young. I was such a nervous kid. It really didn't show on the outside but new situations, people and events completely freaked me out. I rolled with it and just did what I had to do but inside I was a mess.
I tried not to break the rules. When I was with kids who did things we shouldn't be doing, I was a wreck. I did not stand up to peer pressure well and I did things I shouldn't have but I was a maniac on the inside. My son is much stronger in this respect. He is very comfortable with himself and does not succumb to pressure. He usually stands his ground. Ironically, friends who have kids in school with him have told me that the kids at school respect him more for that. He hangs out with kids that party alot and drink and smoke pot. These are his very good friends but he doesn't do those things. His classmates think that is a good thing as opposed to making fun of him for it. That type of thing can go either way.
He and I have a very serious, mature relationship. Wherever I am, he will kind of "linger." If I'm reading on the front porch, next thing I know he will be sitting in the chair next to me. It's mostly quiet and then we will talk a bit. He really respects my opinions. He tries to pretend he is very independent but based on the conversations we have, he still needs us. We have conversations that I would have with other adults. We talk about literature, nutrition, working out, school, all kinds of things. I have rarely lost my temper with him in almost 18 years. He's just so chill that he doesn't provoke that level of emotion.
He is lazy though. He is rarely challenged in life. Everything comes pretty easily to him so he just doesn't grasp the concept of having to work for things. This is really the only thing that he and I get heated about. There is such a thing as too laid back. When I was young, I was very calm and relaxed but I had a job at 16. I worked for my money. My son is lucky to have very generous relatives and therefore, stockpiles his birthday and Christmas money and lives off of that. He makes CD's for friends and charges a small amount for those as well. I really think he will be an entrepeneur. I don't see him making money the conventional way as an adult.
My daughter is me as an adult. Once I got to college, I completely changed. I had to be independent. I had to be more brave. That is really where I found what little confidence I possess now. I still have a long way to go in that department but I'm so much better than I was. My daughter is fearless. She does have nerves underneath the exterior but she is much, much better at battling through them than her brother and myself.
She is so funny. She makes me laugh every day. When we go out and have a day alone, it is non-stop laughing and fun. I never dreamed I'd be this close to my 16 year old daughter. I had hoped that as an adult, we would be very close. I was not delusional though. I anticipated the usual teenage girl drama and angst. I've gotten none of that. Freshman year was as close as we came. That was a bumpy year as she established herself in high school. I have to say though, we talked about everything and she was so receptive to guidance.
I thought most teen kids thought they knew more than their parents and if the mom tried to help, they would just ignore her. I never had that happen. When we processed things that had gone on at school that upset her, she really listened. She went into school with a plan in place and worked through situations in a mature, calm way. Trust me, there was angst, but I was pleasantly surprised at how quickly she got over it.
Our relationship is a bit more explosive. We will get louder and go back and forth more often. However, it's then over. Whomever was at fault ALWAYS is the first to apologize. We always talk about what happened, how it got out of control and we promise to try harder next time. We don't always succeed but we always talk. She and I admit to being tired or crabby and just needing an outlet for that. We both know that our arguments have no heat. Sometimes as women, we just need that release.
We were going back and forth on recital day about something in the dressing room and another mom said, "at least you two aren't fighting, we would be in a huge fight by now" (meaning her and her daughter). My daughter said, "we never fight." I thought about that and we really don't. Like I said, it's this back and forth snapping but we've never really fought about anything. We are so similar in personality that neither of us has that need to be right or 'win.'
My kids have been helping me so much around the house lately. My husband's been working a ton and things need to get done so I've been doing them. My son carried over 15 patio blocks across my entire yard when he saw me struggle with two. I never asked him. He just went outside when I came in for a break and told me they were done. He came into the garage while I was cleaning it out and just started carrying stuff into the driveway. This is what I mean about his quiet presence in my life. All of a sudden he is just beside me. Nothing is said, he just acts.
My daughter has been helping out inside and with weeding, cooking and laundry. Again, it's nothing I ask. I'm pulling weeds out of the path in the backyard and then she is just beside me throwing them into the bag. I'll come in from outside work and she's chopping vegetables and tells me that she thought I might be tired from working so hard and she thought she would get a start on dinner.
I never in my wildest dreams thought I could feel the love that I feel for these two children. In almost 18 years, I have never been disappointed by either of my children. They have only made me more proud. Their accomplishments are so many, I couldn't even begin to list them. I have had so many friends, teachers, coaches, etc. compliment their character. That to me, means more than any academic, athletic or any other accomplishment. Their hearts make me the most proud.
Yes, I am blessed.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Precious Time
I am in a very 'panicky' mode lately. I have no idea what it's all about. I have been compulsive and anxiety-ridden. I have been organizing and cleaning and doing it all over again.
I don't know if it's because after one more Regents exam (happening as I type), I am officially the mother of a high school senior and a junior. I have no idea where the time has gone. I feel like I should have years left with my children home. In one short year, my son will be off to college and my daughter will follow immediately behind. I haven't a clue how this has happened.
I had so many plans. I had so many things we were going to do and see. I have wasted years just being crazy. I am so angry about that. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I am, by nature, a stressfree, relaxed person. I was supposed to ride that out until death. I have been questioning and fretting and screaming for years and I'm just plain mad. This was NOT supposed to be part of the blueprint the kids carry into adulthood. They were supposed to have only idyllic memories of their formative years in this household.
I feel like when they were younger, we did have a really happy home. I was all I wanted to be in a mom and we had a family that I was proud of. I am so disappointed in myself. I wish I could have kept a lid on all of this for a few more years until they went away to school. I just wasn't strong enough. I tried. I really tried. I wanted to insulate them against the negative. I wanted to be able to be ignored and feel unloved and never let them know it bothered me. At some point, I just snapped and I'm so remorseful.
I think once I got into my 40's, I realized how much time I am really wasting in a life that is so unhappy. Could I stay with my husband and ride out this lifestyle? Absolutely. If I keep my mouth shut, we are fine. Lately, I just don't say anything. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of the same old arguments and issues. They are not going to change. I have written the script and it's still not going to change so why would I bother to waste more energy on this? I've just been going about my days, hanging with the kids and trying to turn around my attitude and my behavior. After all, that is the only thing I can truly have control over. I cannot make a man into something I think he should be. He either wants to try or he doesn't. I've given up and don't care.
I'm wasting more time. I actually sit and fantasize about my life with another man now. I see me loving him with all of the love I have to give someone else. When I love another, it is fiercely. I am passionate and demonstrative. I am almost possessive in my love. I want him. I want him consumed by me, thoughts of me, memories of me. I want to creep, uninvited into his thoughts in his mundane day. I want him to smile with some memory or thought of what is yet to come. I don't do 'easy' love. I have always told my husband that. I do active love. I don't get lazy and take it for granted.
I think my panic stems from the fact that I know, without doubt, I am wasting more time. I have so many regrets. So much I wish I had appreciated when I was in the moment. I look back and think of how I would stress about things that were perfectly fine. So much wasted time. So much regret. It's all crystallizing. I'm so reflective and in turn pensive.
I want this to pass. For I know, it too, shall. Am I going to look back on this phase and wish I'd not stressed so much? Or is this the catalyst? Is this going to be the life-changer? I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish life were as easy as it was when I was young, laying on a beach, wondering whether it was time to flip. Or maybe it is and I just don't know it yet.
I don't know if it's because after one more Regents exam (happening as I type), I am officially the mother of a high school senior and a junior. I have no idea where the time has gone. I feel like I should have years left with my children home. In one short year, my son will be off to college and my daughter will follow immediately behind. I haven't a clue how this has happened.
I had so many plans. I had so many things we were going to do and see. I have wasted years just being crazy. I am so angry about that. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I am, by nature, a stressfree, relaxed person. I was supposed to ride that out until death. I have been questioning and fretting and screaming for years and I'm just plain mad. This was NOT supposed to be part of the blueprint the kids carry into adulthood. They were supposed to have only idyllic memories of their formative years in this household.
I feel like when they were younger, we did have a really happy home. I was all I wanted to be in a mom and we had a family that I was proud of. I am so disappointed in myself. I wish I could have kept a lid on all of this for a few more years until they went away to school. I just wasn't strong enough. I tried. I really tried. I wanted to insulate them against the negative. I wanted to be able to be ignored and feel unloved and never let them know it bothered me. At some point, I just snapped and I'm so remorseful.
I think once I got into my 40's, I realized how much time I am really wasting in a life that is so unhappy. Could I stay with my husband and ride out this lifestyle? Absolutely. If I keep my mouth shut, we are fine. Lately, I just don't say anything. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of the same old arguments and issues. They are not going to change. I have written the script and it's still not going to change so why would I bother to waste more energy on this? I've just been going about my days, hanging with the kids and trying to turn around my attitude and my behavior. After all, that is the only thing I can truly have control over. I cannot make a man into something I think he should be. He either wants to try or he doesn't. I've given up and don't care.
I'm wasting more time. I actually sit and fantasize about my life with another man now. I see me loving him with all of the love I have to give someone else. When I love another, it is fiercely. I am passionate and demonstrative. I am almost possessive in my love. I want him. I want him consumed by me, thoughts of me, memories of me. I want to creep, uninvited into his thoughts in his mundane day. I want him to smile with some memory or thought of what is yet to come. I don't do 'easy' love. I have always told my husband that. I do active love. I don't get lazy and take it for granted.
I think my panic stems from the fact that I know, without doubt, I am wasting more time. I have so many regrets. So much I wish I had appreciated when I was in the moment. I look back and think of how I would stress about things that were perfectly fine. So much wasted time. So much regret. It's all crystallizing. I'm so reflective and in turn pensive.
I want this to pass. For I know, it too, shall. Am I going to look back on this phase and wish I'd not stressed so much? Or is this the catalyst? Is this going to be the life-changer? I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish life were as easy as it was when I was young, laying on a beach, wondering whether it was time to flip. Or maybe it is and I just don't know it yet.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Me. Just Me.
After my Friday night alone, I really started considering how much I do in my daily life that just doesn't please me. I do things to please everyone in my family but when I really reflected, they are not necessarily my preference.
The first thing is my eating. I cook things that my family likes, mainly my husband. He is the pickiest eater I have ever met. I admit to being finicky when I was growing up but once I matured and realized a taste of something that I didn't think I liked wasn't going to kill me, I would try anything. This philosophy has really opened my palate up to some amazing foods. My husband is stubborn, plain and simple. He does NOT like it. Even though he has never tried (even licked) 80% of what he claims not to like, he doesn't like it. This really limits meal times. He does not eat cheese, creamy things (dressings, casseroles, etc.), anything that meat is mixed into (stews, beef stroganoff, things like that), anything made with milk or gravy-type consistencies, the list goes on and on.
When I first married him, I thought that was just him, AT THAT TIME. I didn't even know that people at 22 were done evolving. At 21 I hadn't tried a whole lot of things and by no means did I think, "Well, that's that, I'm never going to know what that tastes like." I assumed he would try things as I cooked them and gradually his repertoire would grow and we could eat a variety of dinners. Nope. Never happened. He tells me all of the time to cook what I want and he will fend for himself. I can't do it.
He works all day and as a homemaker, I just feel part of my 'job' is to have dinner ready for him. I mean, after all, even when the kids were little, they were not sooo consuming that I could not throw together dinner. It wasn't always a gourmet feast, but there was a meal on the table. I just found myself making the things I knew he would eat. It seemed a lot simpler than getting angry when he tried something new I'd made and he claimed not to like it. I would be upset. I spent all of this time making something and he never liked it. The problem? We eat the same things (or variations of the same things) over and over.
My husband would eat pasta every night. He could care less if he ever saw any type of meat again. I don't want to eat carbs every night. As we are getting older, I'm trying to eat all of my carbs early in the day and stick to protein and veggies for dinner. That is his nightmare. Unless it's salad with chicken on it, he is not interested. So, as always, I end up giving in. I make things I know he will eat and suck it up. I'm certainly not going to make one meal for my family and a separate one for myself. I don't like to cook that much.
I also walk around my house and think it does not reflect me at all. If I lived alone, I would have my house COMPLETELY different. I always take into consideration what makes everyone else comfortable. My living room should be a formal living room and set up as such. It's more like a family room. Practical, yes. Pretty, no. I would opt for pretty every time if given the choice.
Even the patio which is stressing me out so much is already a problem. I want to border it with small stones or something. It needs to be balanced. I told my husband that yesterday and he started coming up with 100 reasons why I shouldn't do that. Why? I'm doing it. I will dig the dirt and place the rocks and do the whole thing and then maintain it afterward. I told him that right now it looks like concrete blocks just plunked in our yard. He kept saying, "Well, YOU wanted it." I acknowledged that and then said I wanted to make it aesthetically pleasing. He just kept saying, "this is what YOU wanted." Ugh.
It makes me wonder. How much of this craziness is 'me' coming to the surface? How much is Kiraly just trying to have a voice in her world? I have been shoving her down and shutting her up for so long. I wonder if my unhappiness is caused by deep repression. The kind of repression that happens when you give up all of you in the mistaken attempt to please everyone around you. When you give up your identity, you are unhappy and ultimately everyone around you is unhappy. It can't work. It can't last. Eventually, some part of you must be acknowledged or insanity will ensue.
The first thing is my eating. I cook things that my family likes, mainly my husband. He is the pickiest eater I have ever met. I admit to being finicky when I was growing up but once I matured and realized a taste of something that I didn't think I liked wasn't going to kill me, I would try anything. This philosophy has really opened my palate up to some amazing foods. My husband is stubborn, plain and simple. He does NOT like it. Even though he has never tried (even licked) 80% of what he claims not to like, he doesn't like it. This really limits meal times. He does not eat cheese, creamy things (dressings, casseroles, etc.), anything that meat is mixed into (stews, beef stroganoff, things like that), anything made with milk or gravy-type consistencies, the list goes on and on.
When I first married him, I thought that was just him, AT THAT TIME. I didn't even know that people at 22 were done evolving. At 21 I hadn't tried a whole lot of things and by no means did I think, "Well, that's that, I'm never going to know what that tastes like." I assumed he would try things as I cooked them and gradually his repertoire would grow and we could eat a variety of dinners. Nope. Never happened. He tells me all of the time to cook what I want and he will fend for himself. I can't do it.
He works all day and as a homemaker, I just feel part of my 'job' is to have dinner ready for him. I mean, after all, even when the kids were little, they were not sooo consuming that I could not throw together dinner. It wasn't always a gourmet feast, but there was a meal on the table. I just found myself making the things I knew he would eat. It seemed a lot simpler than getting angry when he tried something new I'd made and he claimed not to like it. I would be upset. I spent all of this time making something and he never liked it. The problem? We eat the same things (or variations of the same things) over and over.
My husband would eat pasta every night. He could care less if he ever saw any type of meat again. I don't want to eat carbs every night. As we are getting older, I'm trying to eat all of my carbs early in the day and stick to protein and veggies for dinner. That is his nightmare. Unless it's salad with chicken on it, he is not interested. So, as always, I end up giving in. I make things I know he will eat and suck it up. I'm certainly not going to make one meal for my family and a separate one for myself. I don't like to cook that much.
I also walk around my house and think it does not reflect me at all. If I lived alone, I would have my house COMPLETELY different. I always take into consideration what makes everyone else comfortable. My living room should be a formal living room and set up as such. It's more like a family room. Practical, yes. Pretty, no. I would opt for pretty every time if given the choice.
Even the patio which is stressing me out so much is already a problem. I want to border it with small stones or something. It needs to be balanced. I told my husband that yesterday and he started coming up with 100 reasons why I shouldn't do that. Why? I'm doing it. I will dig the dirt and place the rocks and do the whole thing and then maintain it afterward. I told him that right now it looks like concrete blocks just plunked in our yard. He kept saying, "Well, YOU wanted it." I acknowledged that and then said I wanted to make it aesthetically pleasing. He just kept saying, "this is what YOU wanted." Ugh.
It makes me wonder. How much of this craziness is 'me' coming to the surface? How much is Kiraly just trying to have a voice in her world? I have been shoving her down and shutting her up for so long. I wonder if my unhappiness is caused by deep repression. The kind of repression that happens when you give up all of you in the mistaken attempt to please everyone around you. When you give up your identity, you are unhappy and ultimately everyone around you is unhappy. It can't work. It can't last. Eventually, some part of you must be acknowledged or insanity will ensue.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Patio Problems
My in-laws had a concrete patio under a grape arbor for years. About three years ago, they decided to build a pavillion and pour the concrete. This meant leftover pavers, and lots of them. It was driving me crazy that these pavers were just sitting behind their garage. I have a "dead" corner in my backyard. Grass does not grow there. It is uneven and more dirt and weeds than anything else. It is my nemesis.
Grass is definitely at a premium in my backyard. I have what I like to think of as entertaining areas. I have a deck off of my back door. It's two tiered and on the top, I have the "living room." It's a little bistro table, a loveseat and a fireplace. The bottom deck has our table and a bar. This is covered with a new roof (still not finished but that's another story for another day). Don't get me wrong, it's not extravagent. Our bar is one we found at a tag sale around 12 years ago that I repurposed. It's cute and I stuck an umbrella in it that looks like a kiwi and it works. It's cluttered but that's me. I cannot stand minimilast looks. I love them in other people's homes but NOT in mine.
Then we go down to another deck. That's where our hot tub is. When my husband's brother died we sold our van and bought a hot tub. My husband has a very bad back. I'm talking, surgery is going to have to happen kind of bad. It was really bothering him back then and so we just bought the hot tub. For a while after my brother in law passed away, we lived a bit more recklessly than we ever had. I have always been very controlled with my eating and drinking. I think I tasted more food in the year following his death than I had in my life. Donuts for breakfast? Why not? We could be dead tomorrow. Nachos and margaritas for dinner? Sure! I would never have allowed myself to eat those things.
Finally, one day, I told my husband I was pretty sure we weren't dying but if we kept eating and drinking like we were, we would be dead soon. In retrospect, I wish I'd never opened that Pandora's box. Losing weight is a whole lot harder than maintaining it. It's also much harder to 'give up' foods than to never have them in the first place. Again, another story, another day.
Behind our garage, we had a chunk of space. Not really big enough to do anything with so we put a pool and a small deck. It fits just perfectly there and doesn't take up any yard that matters.
We had a huge maple tree in the dead center of our yard. When we moved in, it was just right. Then it was huge. It blocked the sun pretty much all day from our pool. Everyone else's pools were 80 degrees and ours would be 70 because of the continuous shade. When we decided to get rid of the tree, it was a really hard decision. On one hand, it was the focal point of my yard. I had put a little path to run between it and the pond next to the garage. I also planted plenty of shade plants. The tree was the reason I had to originally think outside of the box with the whole grass thing. It blocked the evening sun from our deck and the back of the house. I was really sad to see it go but it was going to have to happen eventually. A maple is just not a great choice when you live in the city on a small lot.
Now I have taken 24 of the pavers. I carried two to the back corner and was done (they are WAY heavier than they look). My husband got some back and my son ended up carrying 15 back, one at a time. He just did it, without my asking. He knew I wanted it done and couldn't physically do it so he went out and carried them back. I have no idea when he became a young man and acquired the strength to do that but I was grateful nonetheless.
I thought about bringing the portable basketball hoop back there. Then I thought again. It's right by the fence and I'm sure that is going to lead to more balls out of the yard than not. I have a concrete table set that has been all over my yard and that is now my plan. To somehow make that yet another seating area. My problem? Right now it looks like some leftover concrete pavers plunked in my yard. Nothing is clicking. Usually I start something like this and it takes shape in my mind. This time, I'm tapped. I'm not sure what is holding up my mental process. Maybe because it's all uneven and not quite right yet. Maybe I need the table and benches on it to get some divine inspiration. All I know is I stared at that slab of pavers until I went cross-eyed yesterday, waiting for something, anything.
It will work. It always does (at least until I change my mind and move stuff around again). I'm just impatient. I want this adorable space. I want it to be cozy and charming and inviting and right now it is anything but that. My life these days is an exercise in patience and I guess this is one more thing I will add to that ever-growing list.
Grass is definitely at a premium in my backyard. I have what I like to think of as entertaining areas. I have a deck off of my back door. It's two tiered and on the top, I have the "living room." It's a little bistro table, a loveseat and a fireplace. The bottom deck has our table and a bar. This is covered with a new roof (still not finished but that's another story for another day). Don't get me wrong, it's not extravagent. Our bar is one we found at a tag sale around 12 years ago that I repurposed. It's cute and I stuck an umbrella in it that looks like a kiwi and it works. It's cluttered but that's me. I cannot stand minimilast looks. I love them in other people's homes but NOT in mine.
Then we go down to another deck. That's where our hot tub is. When my husband's brother died we sold our van and bought a hot tub. My husband has a very bad back. I'm talking, surgery is going to have to happen kind of bad. It was really bothering him back then and so we just bought the hot tub. For a while after my brother in law passed away, we lived a bit more recklessly than we ever had. I have always been very controlled with my eating and drinking. I think I tasted more food in the year following his death than I had in my life. Donuts for breakfast? Why not? We could be dead tomorrow. Nachos and margaritas for dinner? Sure! I would never have allowed myself to eat those things.
Finally, one day, I told my husband I was pretty sure we weren't dying but if we kept eating and drinking like we were, we would be dead soon. In retrospect, I wish I'd never opened that Pandora's box. Losing weight is a whole lot harder than maintaining it. It's also much harder to 'give up' foods than to never have them in the first place. Again, another story, another day.
Behind our garage, we had a chunk of space. Not really big enough to do anything with so we put a pool and a small deck. It fits just perfectly there and doesn't take up any yard that matters.
We had a huge maple tree in the dead center of our yard. When we moved in, it was just right. Then it was huge. It blocked the sun pretty much all day from our pool. Everyone else's pools were 80 degrees and ours would be 70 because of the continuous shade. When we decided to get rid of the tree, it was a really hard decision. On one hand, it was the focal point of my yard. I had put a little path to run between it and the pond next to the garage. I also planted plenty of shade plants. The tree was the reason I had to originally think outside of the box with the whole grass thing. It blocked the evening sun from our deck and the back of the house. I was really sad to see it go but it was going to have to happen eventually. A maple is just not a great choice when you live in the city on a small lot.
Now I have taken 24 of the pavers. I carried two to the back corner and was done (they are WAY heavier than they look). My husband got some back and my son ended up carrying 15 back, one at a time. He just did it, without my asking. He knew I wanted it done and couldn't physically do it so he went out and carried them back. I have no idea when he became a young man and acquired the strength to do that but I was grateful nonetheless.
I thought about bringing the portable basketball hoop back there. Then I thought again. It's right by the fence and I'm sure that is going to lead to more balls out of the yard than not. I have a concrete table set that has been all over my yard and that is now my plan. To somehow make that yet another seating area. My problem? Right now it looks like some leftover concrete pavers plunked in my yard. Nothing is clicking. Usually I start something like this and it takes shape in my mind. This time, I'm tapped. I'm not sure what is holding up my mental process. Maybe because it's all uneven and not quite right yet. Maybe I need the table and benches on it to get some divine inspiration. All I know is I stared at that slab of pavers until I went cross-eyed yesterday, waiting for something, anything.
It will work. It always does (at least until I change my mind and move stuff around again). I'm just impatient. I want this adorable space. I want it to be cozy and charming and inviting and right now it is anything but that. My life these days is an exercise in patience and I guess this is one more thing I will add to that ever-growing list.
Friday, June 8, 2012
Home Alone
It's Friday night. I am home alone. I am blissful. I am peaceful. Somehow it's different than being home alone all day every day. Then I am lonely and bored. Tonight I am content.
It was so thrilling to decide what I wanted for dinner. Just me. What did I feel like having? I didn't have to worry if someone would complain that they didn't want it or we had just had something similar or any other thing. I took leftover rapini, peas, mushrooms, ground sausage, tomatoes and scallions and sauteed it. Then I grabbed some portabello mushroom ravioli out of the freezer I've been wanting to try. I tossed it all together and topped it with some grated parmigianno regianno and I have to say, it was decadent. I poured myself a glass of chablis and ate while I read my new book I'd started, on the front porch no less.
This is one of the most relaxing nights I can remember in a long time. I don't have to drive anyone anywhere nor pick them up. Lately on weekend nights, I've been picking my daughter up from a friend's between 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. Almost every night she dances until 9 or later and it's such a pain just waiting every night. There is no settling in and relaxing because I know I have to just get up and drive 20 minutes to pick her up. Now that she is going to a friend's on weekends, the ritual continues.
Of course, I want my kids to have a full social life but I am not a night owl. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am all about mornings. Yesterday, by the time the kids left for school, I had almost all of my windows washed (inside and out). I feel like if I don't have things done by 10 a.m. that I've wasted the day. That's just how I'm wired. For me to stay up is really hard. I am beat by the time night rolls around.
I think more than the aloneness, it is the break from responsibility that I am enjoying. Everyone is where they need to be and I have nothing to do with any of it. It's nice. It's a glimpse into what my life is going to be sooner than I know it.
I also love that my husband has been working that last few weekends at the bar. It's strange but I like him not home at night. For years he worked 3-11 and it was just the kids and I. I had a routine and we were like a well-oiled machine. I loved when he was off because it was like fun day but by the time he went back to work, I was ready. I like routine. Then for years, he worked every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at the bar. I think I just got used to being alone at night.
When the kids were young, on Friday nights, I would bring laundry upstairs and fold it and put it away and the kids would hang out in my room watching tv while I did it. One Friday, my son told me Friday nights were his favorite because we were "all cozy upstairs and everything was so warm." It's funny. That's exactly how I remember it. We were cozy. They would have their baths and be in their jammies and all of the lamps would be on creating a snuggly feel in all of the bedrooms as I went room to room and got things in order for the weekend.
We were so happy. We were so content. We had nothing, materially, yet we had everything. If I could, I would go back and hang on to those days. They've gone so quickly. Everything has flown by. My kids will be a senior and a junior in high school come the fall. I wish I had appreciated that time that I thought was so stressful. The little things that came day to day with having small children close in age were nothing. Nothing. I only wish I had known then what the future would hold. I would have appreciated those little moments a whole lot more.
It was so thrilling to decide what I wanted for dinner. Just me. What did I feel like having? I didn't have to worry if someone would complain that they didn't want it or we had just had something similar or any other thing. I took leftover rapini, peas, mushrooms, ground sausage, tomatoes and scallions and sauteed it. Then I grabbed some portabello mushroom ravioli out of the freezer I've been wanting to try. I tossed it all together and topped it with some grated parmigianno regianno and I have to say, it was decadent. I poured myself a glass of chablis and ate while I read my new book I'd started, on the front porch no less.
This is one of the most relaxing nights I can remember in a long time. I don't have to drive anyone anywhere nor pick them up. Lately on weekend nights, I've been picking my daughter up from a friend's between 10 p.m. and 10:30 p.m. Almost every night she dances until 9 or later and it's such a pain just waiting every night. There is no settling in and relaxing because I know I have to just get up and drive 20 minutes to pick her up. Now that she is going to a friend's on weekends, the ritual continues.
Of course, I want my kids to have a full social life but I am not a night owl. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I am all about mornings. Yesterday, by the time the kids left for school, I had almost all of my windows washed (inside and out). I feel like if I don't have things done by 10 a.m. that I've wasted the day. That's just how I'm wired. For me to stay up is really hard. I am beat by the time night rolls around.
I think more than the aloneness, it is the break from responsibility that I am enjoying. Everyone is where they need to be and I have nothing to do with any of it. It's nice. It's a glimpse into what my life is going to be sooner than I know it.
I also love that my husband has been working that last few weekends at the bar. It's strange but I like him not home at night. For years he worked 3-11 and it was just the kids and I. I had a routine and we were like a well-oiled machine. I loved when he was off because it was like fun day but by the time he went back to work, I was ready. I like routine. Then for years, he worked every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night at the bar. I think I just got used to being alone at night.
When the kids were young, on Friday nights, I would bring laundry upstairs and fold it and put it away and the kids would hang out in my room watching tv while I did it. One Friday, my son told me Friday nights were his favorite because we were "all cozy upstairs and everything was so warm." It's funny. That's exactly how I remember it. We were cozy. They would have their baths and be in their jammies and all of the lamps would be on creating a snuggly feel in all of the bedrooms as I went room to room and got things in order for the weekend.
We were so happy. We were so content. We had nothing, materially, yet we had everything. If I could, I would go back and hang on to those days. They've gone so quickly. Everything has flown by. My kids will be a senior and a junior in high school come the fall. I wish I had appreciated that time that I thought was so stressful. The little things that came day to day with having small children close in age were nothing. Nothing. I only wish I had known then what the future would hold. I would have appreciated those little moments a whole lot more.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
It's A Start
The doctor's appointment went pretty well. My husband wanted me to go with him but I declined. I felt like the mother hen. He's practically 45 years old and I thought it odd that I would have to be his mouthpiece. The doctor probably would have thought I was insane. Why would I speak for him like he was my child?
We did come up with a list of issues to be addressed. I wanted to make sure he didn't just blow this off. When I told him to bring the lab results from our life insurance company, he initially refused. I lost my ever-living mind. I really blew up. I told him his embarrassment and shame over our financial mistakes put undo stress on us for years. Ignoring the problem made a mountain out of a molehill and when we finally addressed the issues, the problem was remedied in a half hour. He really has a childlike mindset. If he does not acknowledge problems, they just don't exist.
I told him that was the whole reason for the visit. The doctor needed to see where to focus. He said he wanted "new" bloodwork and they would go from there. I know how he thinks. The new bloodwork would turn out better because he's been more careful and then the whole issue is miraculously over. Not this time. I yelled (loudly) and ranted. I told him he just doesn't get that he is a father and a husband that that he is the grown-up in this family. I said he had no clue what that responsibility meant.
Then I told him to do what he wanted. I said I have a life insurance policy that is perfectly valid and if he drops dead I will have more than enough money (the new polices were just to bundle our insurances and save money). I said I have prayed and prayed for an answer. I am always on the fence and undecided what to do with my marriage and maybe this was God's way of taking the matter out of my hands. I can't make him do things that make sense. I can't make him want to be healthy and live a long life.
As brutal as my ploy was, it worked. I left it at that and dropped it. He brought the lab results and talked about every single issue on the list we had come up with. He even had to talk about this stuff with the nurse first (who he knew vaguely from around town). Apparently she was pretty hot so he was mortified (hot in a hard, fake-boob kind of way) and he was appalled but he did it. Then he talked about it all again with the doctor.
He does need some follow up tests but the doctor was very reassuring. It turns out that a lot of the issues could be digestive. If things aren't digested properly, it can really mess up your whole body (makes sense). Of course, the doctor could see where one level was very high but another was low so they kind of balanced eachother out. These were the answers he needed. I can only research so much on the computer. I don't know what the heck I'm looking for so I can only repeat what the computer says about each number.
He got a couple of prescriptions, which he filled right away and started this morning. This is BIG for him. Usually he will not take pills, of any kind, for any reason. It shows me he is really committed to getting to the bottom of his problems and that makes me happy. Ignorance is a huge pet peeve of mine. Life happens. Ignoring it doesn't make things less real and people who do that drive me nuts.
So, all is good. We will know more after the next round of tests but my mind is eased and so is his. I could actually see the relief on his face. I told him his face looked so happy and relaxed yesterday. It's been so long since I've seen that look. Of course, I told him that this could have been settled a year ago when I told him to go to the doctor (hey, I'm not perfect and I had to rub it in a bit).
Then I told him that both things that were such big huge embarrassments to him that he put off and ignored ended up being so simple and not shameful at all. The doctor made him feel that none of this stuff is out of the ordinary. The few things that were wrong were countered with amazing health for a guy of his age on every other point. He actually felt really proud of that. We do live an overall healthful lifestyle and he was really happy to have the doctor acknowledge that he can see he tries to take care of himself.
It's just a good day, for all of us today.
We did come up with a list of issues to be addressed. I wanted to make sure he didn't just blow this off. When I told him to bring the lab results from our life insurance company, he initially refused. I lost my ever-living mind. I really blew up. I told him his embarrassment and shame over our financial mistakes put undo stress on us for years. Ignoring the problem made a mountain out of a molehill and when we finally addressed the issues, the problem was remedied in a half hour. He really has a childlike mindset. If he does not acknowledge problems, they just don't exist.
I told him that was the whole reason for the visit. The doctor needed to see where to focus. He said he wanted "new" bloodwork and they would go from there. I know how he thinks. The new bloodwork would turn out better because he's been more careful and then the whole issue is miraculously over. Not this time. I yelled (loudly) and ranted. I told him he just doesn't get that he is a father and a husband that that he is the grown-up in this family. I said he had no clue what that responsibility meant.
Then I told him to do what he wanted. I said I have a life insurance policy that is perfectly valid and if he drops dead I will have more than enough money (the new polices were just to bundle our insurances and save money). I said I have prayed and prayed for an answer. I am always on the fence and undecided what to do with my marriage and maybe this was God's way of taking the matter out of my hands. I can't make him do things that make sense. I can't make him want to be healthy and live a long life.
As brutal as my ploy was, it worked. I left it at that and dropped it. He brought the lab results and talked about every single issue on the list we had come up with. He even had to talk about this stuff with the nurse first (who he knew vaguely from around town). Apparently she was pretty hot so he was mortified (hot in a hard, fake-boob kind of way) and he was appalled but he did it. Then he talked about it all again with the doctor.
He does need some follow up tests but the doctor was very reassuring. It turns out that a lot of the issues could be digestive. If things aren't digested properly, it can really mess up your whole body (makes sense). Of course, the doctor could see where one level was very high but another was low so they kind of balanced eachother out. These were the answers he needed. I can only research so much on the computer. I don't know what the heck I'm looking for so I can only repeat what the computer says about each number.
He got a couple of prescriptions, which he filled right away and started this morning. This is BIG for him. Usually he will not take pills, of any kind, for any reason. It shows me he is really committed to getting to the bottom of his problems and that makes me happy. Ignorance is a huge pet peeve of mine. Life happens. Ignoring it doesn't make things less real and people who do that drive me nuts.
So, all is good. We will know more after the next round of tests but my mind is eased and so is his. I could actually see the relief on his face. I told him his face looked so happy and relaxed yesterday. It's been so long since I've seen that look. Of course, I told him that this could have been settled a year ago when I told him to go to the doctor (hey, I'm not perfect and I had to rub it in a bit).
Then I told him that both things that were such big huge embarrassments to him that he put off and ignored ended up being so simple and not shameful at all. The doctor made him feel that none of this stuff is out of the ordinary. The few things that were wrong were countered with amazing health for a guy of his age on every other point. He actually felt really proud of that. We do live an overall healthful lifestyle and he was really happy to have the doctor acknowledge that he can see he tries to take care of himself.
It's just a good day, for all of us today.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Is That You Doctor?
Today is my husband's doctor appointment. I have no idea why but I have had a sense of foreboding about his health for over a year now. I have literally been begging him to get a check up because I just had a weird feeling something is off.
He is not at all the same. I know he has been depressed and stressed and therefore tired all of the time. His sex drive used to be super strong and has been waning for years now. We once went an entire year with no intimacy, zero, zilch. This is NOT normal for a man just hitting his mid-forties. I thought for a long time he must be having an affair. Then I prayed he was. It would have explained so many of the changes in our relationship.
His mood swings and downright hurtfulness are so out of character for him that I have begun to suspect something is just off with his health. He always looks so tired and haggard. I always feel guilty because I work out and eat well and unless something is really bothering me, I sleep well. I don't work and I feel like all of the stress falls on him and it must be such a burden. Granted, I quit my job because everyone in the house wanted me too but I still feel guilt.
Getting a job has become a major priority for me. I want one I will be in for years. After all, I am just starting to build for my retirement. I have a long time to make up for if I want any type of security in my old age. I also think, as much as everyone says they don't want me to work, that contributing financially will take some stress off of my husband.
The kids are costing a boatload right now. Two thousand dollars for a trip to Spain (that does not include spending money), $300+ for recital costumes, $300 for baseball tournament team, $500 deductible for car accident this month, $150 dance tuition, etc. These are just the bills due right now. I know it is hard. Even with so many bills paid off, our loan payment over, I do understand what a huge responsibility being financially responsible for our family is.
I don't think that's all that's bothering him though. He is out like a light the minute he sits down. Again, this could be depression. He goes through the motions of what he has to do all day and when that second of free time pops up, he uses it sleeping. It's just so sad to me. We are young. He should not be so tired yet. Our evenings could be so much more fun and productive if he acted our age. He literally just doesn't have the energy.
I hope I'm being fanciful. I hope, once again, I am making things bigger than they are. I think I just want an explanation so badly that I cling to each excuse. If he's sick, that would explain things. If he's depressed, that will explain things. If he's having an affair, that will explain things. I don't even care that this way of thinking is bizarre.
I'm nervous. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I hope in this case, I am dead wrong. I hope he comes out of that office healthier than he was when he was 21. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than this wish today.
He is not at all the same. I know he has been depressed and stressed and therefore tired all of the time. His sex drive used to be super strong and has been waning for years now. We once went an entire year with no intimacy, zero, zilch. This is NOT normal for a man just hitting his mid-forties. I thought for a long time he must be having an affair. Then I prayed he was. It would have explained so many of the changes in our relationship.
His mood swings and downright hurtfulness are so out of character for him that I have begun to suspect something is just off with his health. He always looks so tired and haggard. I always feel guilty because I work out and eat well and unless something is really bothering me, I sleep well. I don't work and I feel like all of the stress falls on him and it must be such a burden. Granted, I quit my job because everyone in the house wanted me too but I still feel guilt.
Getting a job has become a major priority for me. I want one I will be in for years. After all, I am just starting to build for my retirement. I have a long time to make up for if I want any type of security in my old age. I also think, as much as everyone says they don't want me to work, that contributing financially will take some stress off of my husband.
The kids are costing a boatload right now. Two thousand dollars for a trip to Spain (that does not include spending money), $300+ for recital costumes, $300 for baseball tournament team, $500 deductible for car accident this month, $150 dance tuition, etc. These are just the bills due right now. I know it is hard. Even with so many bills paid off, our loan payment over, I do understand what a huge responsibility being financially responsible for our family is.
I don't think that's all that's bothering him though. He is out like a light the minute he sits down. Again, this could be depression. He goes through the motions of what he has to do all day and when that second of free time pops up, he uses it sleeping. It's just so sad to me. We are young. He should not be so tired yet. Our evenings could be so much more fun and productive if he acted our age. He literally just doesn't have the energy.
I hope I'm being fanciful. I hope, once again, I am making things bigger than they are. I think I just want an explanation so badly that I cling to each excuse. If he's sick, that would explain things. If he's depressed, that will explain things. If he's having an affair, that will explain things. I don't even care that this way of thinking is bizarre.
I'm nervous. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I hope in this case, I am dead wrong. I hope he comes out of that office healthier than he was when he was 21. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than this wish today.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
My Mind Is Bigger Than My Reality
Ok, so court wasn't so bad. At first I went into the wrong courtroom and there were inmates in bright orange jumpers and people who looked like they made a living sitting in those chairs, waiting to be called before the judge. After I sat down and listened for a bit, I quickly decided I would just find out where to pay my ticket. There was no way I was sitting in there all day. I found where we "lesser offenders" were supposed to be and it was much less intimidating so I decided to wait it out.
I was literally sick with dread. I was shaking, my stomach was queasy and I thought I really just couldn't do it. I am the type of person that I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable. I hate confrontation, I hate awkwardness so I tend to just avoid things that make me feel like that. I know it's unrealistic. Had I never had children, maybe I would have been able to live pretty closely to my comfort level. However, since becoming a mom, I have found myself in ALL kinds of uncomfortable spots. They have no voice and I'm it. I have spoken for them more than I thought myself possible. I do find it very hard to speak for myself still.
I was second to last to go. The judge was just lovely. There is no other word for him. He was kind and compassionate. He had empathy for the people before him and tried to the best of his ability to work with them and their circumstances. The DA was obliging to his wishes and it was just such a positive experience. I actually found myself enjoying the morning. I had a new found respect for our justice system and my faith was restored in humanity. Not everyone in a position of power abuses it. I see so many people on the news taking advantage of their position that I think I had lost hope that there were still people out there trying to do the right thing.
Of course, when it was actually my turn to tell my tale, my hands and voice were both shaking. It was all good while sitting in the courtroom but being up there was still intimidating. He was kindness personified. The DA was gentle and sympathetic. Even the courtroom officer was looking at me with encouragement when I was speaking. After hearing my story, it was decided I needed to get some information from my insurance company and guess what? I have to go back!
I'm not terrified of the concept now. I'm actually looking forward to it. It was nice to have to get "dressed" and be somewhere. I'm beginning to wonder how much of "our" problems are my lack of purpose. I'm a stay at home mom to two teens. Other than a maid, laundress and driver, what am I doing with my life? I think I need more. It felt so good to see people, to be in a different situation and experience something out of my element. That is where I thrive, in everchanging situations.
I really have to buckle down and get a job. Even if it's part-time, I need something to do. I'm too intelligent and easily bored to be constantly trying to entertain myself at home. I mean how much stimulation can I provide myself? I need outside influence. I try. Lord knows, I try to challenge myself and mix it up but I'm at the end of that road.
I really hope that this huge negative experience will jumpstart something positive. I always look for the silver lining, the rainbow after the storm. It's what keeps me sane (well, as sane as I can be right now). I'm going to start that momentum and make something good happen. It's the only way I know.
I was literally sick with dread. I was shaking, my stomach was queasy and I thought I really just couldn't do it. I am the type of person that I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable. I hate confrontation, I hate awkwardness so I tend to just avoid things that make me feel like that. I know it's unrealistic. Had I never had children, maybe I would have been able to live pretty closely to my comfort level. However, since becoming a mom, I have found myself in ALL kinds of uncomfortable spots. They have no voice and I'm it. I have spoken for them more than I thought myself possible. I do find it very hard to speak for myself still.
I was second to last to go. The judge was just lovely. There is no other word for him. He was kind and compassionate. He had empathy for the people before him and tried to the best of his ability to work with them and their circumstances. The DA was obliging to his wishes and it was just such a positive experience. I actually found myself enjoying the morning. I had a new found respect for our justice system and my faith was restored in humanity. Not everyone in a position of power abuses it. I see so many people on the news taking advantage of their position that I think I had lost hope that there were still people out there trying to do the right thing.
Of course, when it was actually my turn to tell my tale, my hands and voice were both shaking. It was all good while sitting in the courtroom but being up there was still intimidating. He was kindness personified. The DA was gentle and sympathetic. Even the courtroom officer was looking at me with encouragement when I was speaking. After hearing my story, it was decided I needed to get some information from my insurance company and guess what? I have to go back!
I'm not terrified of the concept now. I'm actually looking forward to it. It was nice to have to get "dressed" and be somewhere. I'm beginning to wonder how much of "our" problems are my lack of purpose. I'm a stay at home mom to two teens. Other than a maid, laundress and driver, what am I doing with my life? I think I need more. It felt so good to see people, to be in a different situation and experience something out of my element. That is where I thrive, in everchanging situations.
I really have to buckle down and get a job. Even if it's part-time, I need something to do. I'm too intelligent and easily bored to be constantly trying to entertain myself at home. I mean how much stimulation can I provide myself? I need outside influence. I try. Lord knows, I try to challenge myself and mix it up but I'm at the end of that road.
I really hope that this huge negative experience will jumpstart something positive. I always look for the silver lining, the rainbow after the storm. It's what keeps me sane (well, as sane as I can be right now). I'm going to start that momentum and make something good happen. It's the only way I know.
Friday, June 1, 2012
See Ya In Court
I have to go to court today. Does this life get any more nightmarish? The worst part? It's for a traffic violation.
This could easily be handled by mail. NOOOO! That would have been too simple and less mortifying. Of course, a friend, who is a police officer, told my husband that the ticket would be less and I'd get no points on my license if I went to court. It was non-negotiable, I had to go.
Basically, to save a few bucks, I have to actually go sit in a court room, plead not guilty and possibly perjure myself. I'm having a problem with this. I'm not guilty but I am guilty. In order to get the ticket lowered, I have to plead not guilty and this is a moral issue for me.
The ticket is for following too closely. That was not the case. There was plenty of room in between cars. If there was a ticket for hitting the gas pedal when thinking you are slamming on the brakes, that should have been the one issued. See what I mean? It's nit-picking but is that perjury? If you hit the car in front of you, is that technically "following too close?" If so, ticket well-deserved.
I just wanted to plead guilty, send in the ticket and pay the fine. That way, my moral quandry is a non-issue. I'm not worried about points on my license. I've never so much as been pulled over for ANY reason, let alone had a ticket before. This was a fluke. It was an extraordinary circumstance and one I will not find myself in again so I'm not worried about future points. My husband did not want to pay a bigger fine so I'm now under a ridiculous amount of stress.
I actually had a great birthday yesterday. We had to go to Ithaca for a parade my daughter was dancing in. It was a GREAT parade. I just love Ithaca. The people are so ecclectic. There is something for everyone there and the turn out was amazing. It really was so fun. Then we went to dinner at a restaurant right on the lake that we had never been to. It was just beautiful. The food was amazing, the view was spectacular and it was just a peaceful, great night.
Then we were driving home and I was thinking about what the day ahead had in store. That's when I remembered court. It ruined my mood. It just null and voided my whole great night. I was so angry. I told my husband that I hoped the few dollars he was saving was worth it. I explained how the anxiety of this ruined what was the perfect night. Then he tried to make a phone call and told me we would just mail it in.
No way. He does not get to 're-do' anymore. He needs to make the right decisions the first time around. This is just another nail in his coffin. In a way, it's a good thing I have to go. I was softening. Lately, we've been getting along and actually having some fun together. My birthday was so special and I could tell he really listened to me. I always complain that I'm bored. We never do anything different or go anywhere new. My life is monotonous and that is the death knell for me. He really put in alot of effort to make the whole night exciting and I really appreciated it.
I was starting to think, "If we could just do things like this more often, maybe things could work...if he could be this fun, happy guy more, we can stay married." This was a slap in the face reminder that underneath the facade, the miserable, cheap guy is there. He does NOT care about me and my feelings. He wants what he wants. He claims that he loves me so much and would do anything to protect me but he threw me under the bus and couldn't care less about how stressed out I am about this. That is my husband. That is my truth.
This could easily be handled by mail. NOOOO! That would have been too simple and less mortifying. Of course, a friend, who is a police officer, told my husband that the ticket would be less and I'd get no points on my license if I went to court. It was non-negotiable, I had to go.
Basically, to save a few bucks, I have to actually go sit in a court room, plead not guilty and possibly perjure myself. I'm having a problem with this. I'm not guilty but I am guilty. In order to get the ticket lowered, I have to plead not guilty and this is a moral issue for me.
The ticket is for following too closely. That was not the case. There was plenty of room in between cars. If there was a ticket for hitting the gas pedal when thinking you are slamming on the brakes, that should have been the one issued. See what I mean? It's nit-picking but is that perjury? If you hit the car in front of you, is that technically "following too close?" If so, ticket well-deserved.
I just wanted to plead guilty, send in the ticket and pay the fine. That way, my moral quandry is a non-issue. I'm not worried about points on my license. I've never so much as been pulled over for ANY reason, let alone had a ticket before. This was a fluke. It was an extraordinary circumstance and one I will not find myself in again so I'm not worried about future points. My husband did not want to pay a bigger fine so I'm now under a ridiculous amount of stress.
I actually had a great birthday yesterday. We had to go to Ithaca for a parade my daughter was dancing in. It was a GREAT parade. I just love Ithaca. The people are so ecclectic. There is something for everyone there and the turn out was amazing. It really was so fun. Then we went to dinner at a restaurant right on the lake that we had never been to. It was just beautiful. The food was amazing, the view was spectacular and it was just a peaceful, great night.
Then we were driving home and I was thinking about what the day ahead had in store. That's when I remembered court. It ruined my mood. It just null and voided my whole great night. I was so angry. I told my husband that I hoped the few dollars he was saving was worth it. I explained how the anxiety of this ruined what was the perfect night. Then he tried to make a phone call and told me we would just mail it in.
No way. He does not get to 're-do' anymore. He needs to make the right decisions the first time around. This is just another nail in his coffin. In a way, it's a good thing I have to go. I was softening. Lately, we've been getting along and actually having some fun together. My birthday was so special and I could tell he really listened to me. I always complain that I'm bored. We never do anything different or go anywhere new. My life is monotonous and that is the death knell for me. He really put in alot of effort to make the whole night exciting and I really appreciated it.
I was starting to think, "If we could just do things like this more often, maybe things could work...if he could be this fun, happy guy more, we can stay married." This was a slap in the face reminder that underneath the facade, the miserable, cheap guy is there. He does NOT care about me and my feelings. He wants what he wants. He claims that he loves me so much and would do anything to protect me but he threw me under the bus and couldn't care less about how stressed out I am about this. That is my husband. That is my truth.
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