Today is one of those days I cannot wait to be over. I don't like when I feel like this because I hate to wish my life away but some days I can just do without.
We have our physicals for new life insurance today. We changed our policies and got each of the kids their own policy. This way they have it for life. It starts earning a little equity the moment they get it and they will never have to worry about getting one. Life insurance is so affordable these days.
When we got our first policies in our 20's it was very costly. The last policy we had was a whole life policy and we were paying well over $300 a month just for my husband and I. We had the kids as riders on ours but it was minimal insurance. Now we all have significant policies and we even have a fifth policy and it's costing us MUCH less.
We can not eat six hours before the blood work. Of course my kids were NOT happy to hear this. They are livid they have to have bloodwork and not eating for six hours in their worlds is like 10 days. My daughter planned and had a big breakfast and brought a snack and is fine. My son is being especially quarrelsome. He doesn't want life insurance, he doesn't want a physical, blah, blah, blah. He is just like me. I haven't been to a Dr. in I can't remember how long because I just can't be bothered. When I am injured or if I ever got sick, I would go. I just can't make myself go "just because." It's not the right approach to healthcare but with the increasing "business" of doctoring and pharmaceutical companies, I admit to having become a bit paranoid.
I am dreading this because my weight is at it's all-time high. I feel really good. I have been working out, I have been eating well, the inches are coming off but my weight will not budge. I am freaking out. I know when I see that number being recorded somewhere it is going to mess me up. I am trying SO hard to stay positive and remember this is a slow process and a steady process. I did not put the weight on in one day and I will not take it off in one day. I KNOW this. My rational, intellectual, logical self knows this. My psychotic self is going to trip.
I hate that I'm like this. I hate that my anxiety is sky-rocketing because I have to get on a scale and have that number written down. I am trying to be calm and rational but I am crabby. I know I am not myself. My son whining about this is not helping. I know I should not take my crazy out on my family but I'm having my own crisis here, I don't have a whole lot left over to coddle him. Why am I so stressed about this? I guarantee if any other woman had to weigh as much as I do they would be fine. I have seen women in magazines that are my height and this is their goal weight. I have only ever weighed this much when I delivered my daughter. This is 25 lbs more than I weighed when I had toddlers.
When they got into school I did gain 10 lbs and I was very comfortable there. I decided it was a good number for me. Being so low was alot of work. I really had to eat very little to maintain it. Slowly, over the last two years, 15 more lbs crept on. I saw it happening. I wasn't happy but I was so emmersed in my own traumatic life that my weight was the least of my problems. Now I have finally decided to take control of it and change it and I have to have this number written down, forever recorded as my failure. It cannot be forgotten or a hazy recollection. Just like every thing I write in this blog, it is now my truth; never to be manipulated in my mind to make coping easier down the road.
I know I'm making this too big. I know my son is making this too big. I know this little 10 minute physical is nothing. I cannot change how I feel. I wish with all of my heart that I could. I wish I could take control of my mind, demand it stop these ridiculous meanderings and be ok with myself. I wish, for just once in my life, I could accept myself as I am, not want to change one single thing and appreciate my uniqueness, my gifts. Someday. Someday, these will be my truths.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Fear Is Real
While the tone in our house is greatly improved, sometimes I worry. I worry that once these kids are gone, so too, will I be. I am afraid that my anger, while ebbing, will not completely dissipate. I am afraid one little thing will set me off and I will leave, never to look back.
Yesterday my daughter got home from school and went into the kitchen for a snack. Usually my husband isn't home from work yet at this time. I let my kids eat what they want. They are young adults and know if they are hungry or not. They know we eat dinner together every night and what time that happens. They are the judge as to what they can handle after school to still have an appetite at dinner hour.
My daughter asked if she could have a breadstick. My son didn't like what we were having for dinner Sunday night and asked if he could order himself Pizza Hut. I was fine with that, as long as he paid. He had some leftovers and he wasn't going to eat them so I told my daughter that was fine. My husband went into the kitchen and she was heating up a breadstick and a small slice of pizza. He accused her of lying...he didn't say those exact words but it was implied. Then he told her that was a meal and since she was eating so much she could skip dinner. My daughter was very mature and told him not to comment on what she eats. She was calm and was not disrespectful at all. He would not let it go.
I lost it. Of every single thing he does, THIS makes me the most insane. It makes me sick. I have told him no less than 50 times why I can have these conversations with my daughter and he cannot. A daughter is a father's jewel. I could have been 300 lbs. as a child and my father would have thought I was the most beautiful perfect girl that ever graced this earth. He told me he doesn't think she's "fat" but that she shouldn't eat all that. Same thing. To a young girl, hearing that from her dad, implies she should be ashamed. I have been over and over this.
Of course, his first response, "so you can say these things and I can't." My reply, "ABSOLUTELY!" He mimics me. He tries to deal with situations the way he thinks I would. I have explained to him a million times, he does not see my whole day with my kids. When he sees me snap or put my foot down he did not see the 10 times before that that I tried to be rational and reasonable. He is not home all of the time. I'm not going to recap every minute detail for him every night. He just doesn't get it. When I lose my temper, my kids don't bat an eyelash. They know they have pushed and I am now letting them know the discourse is at an end. Period.
My daughter had gone to her room, which is cavernous. What we were talking about downstairs was not about to be heard by her but that is all he was concerned with, her hearing us. I told him that of every thing he does to anger me (and the list is long) THIS is the top offense. He kept saying I shouldn't be yelling so she could hear me. He blamed me for making it worse and that this is where her issues were coming from. Let me clarify. I was NOT yelling. I was trying so hard NOT to yell that I am pretty sure I actually strained some neck muscles exercising so much self-control. He was deflecting.
I told him this. I told him to stop trying to take the focus of the conversation off of his behavior. We have had this conversation with the kids not even in the house. I have calmly sat down and told him that he was leaving scars on our daughter; that I was very afraid she would have issues with eating disorders down the road if he didn't desist. I told him I had talked to our daughter about this (she broached the topic, not me) and it really bothered her when he clocked her eating. She is 16 years old and a size 3, she is really a size 1/2 but I buy 3's so she can have them a while. He has no clue how tiny that is. I have said it calmly. I have said it in anger, in frustration, in desperation. Still, the lights are on and nobody's home.
He has no depth. He just doesn't get it. I have a degree in psychology. I have handled my life and my family like I would any client. Everything I say and do is with an eye on the future, it is done with the knowledge that this is staying with my children. It's not a moment or a word. If I treat my kids like animals or possessions or something I "control" am I turning out the best human being into society? My children have always been people to me. Since they were tiny little babies, I have treated them the way I treat everyone in my life, with respect and dignity. I am a mother not a prison warden. They were never "something" to me, they were "someone."
He doesn't realize how much his words affect us. He doesn't understand that this is all imprinting little subliminal messages into our psyches. Even if words are not said with intent, the implication is there. Even if they are said carelessly in anger or desperation, the damage is there. I do not speak perfectly. I say lots of things I regret. I ALWAYS go to my children or husband afterward and apologize. I explain that my words were hurtful and I regret them. I tell them I cannot take them back and I didn't mean them but the only way I can prove that is to try harder next time. I am human. I make mistakes. We all do. I try never to repeat the same offense twice. How sorry am I if I keep doing the same things over and over?
My frustration with my husband is that I've told him how this is wrong. I have explained calmly and succintly why he cannot do it. How unevolved do you have to be to keep repeating things over and over again? He accused me of "yelling" yesterday. I told him either I speak to him in that tone or drive a knife through his skull, which was really what I was wanting to do. His choice. Once he picked his jaw up and put his eyes back into his head, he went with the yelling. Maybe there is some hope for him yet.
Yesterday my daughter got home from school and went into the kitchen for a snack. Usually my husband isn't home from work yet at this time. I let my kids eat what they want. They are young adults and know if they are hungry or not. They know we eat dinner together every night and what time that happens. They are the judge as to what they can handle after school to still have an appetite at dinner hour.
My daughter asked if she could have a breadstick. My son didn't like what we were having for dinner Sunday night and asked if he could order himself Pizza Hut. I was fine with that, as long as he paid. He had some leftovers and he wasn't going to eat them so I told my daughter that was fine. My husband went into the kitchen and she was heating up a breadstick and a small slice of pizza. He accused her of lying...he didn't say those exact words but it was implied. Then he told her that was a meal and since she was eating so much she could skip dinner. My daughter was very mature and told him not to comment on what she eats. She was calm and was not disrespectful at all. He would not let it go.
I lost it. Of every single thing he does, THIS makes me the most insane. It makes me sick. I have told him no less than 50 times why I can have these conversations with my daughter and he cannot. A daughter is a father's jewel. I could have been 300 lbs. as a child and my father would have thought I was the most beautiful perfect girl that ever graced this earth. He told me he doesn't think she's "fat" but that she shouldn't eat all that. Same thing. To a young girl, hearing that from her dad, implies she should be ashamed. I have been over and over this.
Of course, his first response, "so you can say these things and I can't." My reply, "ABSOLUTELY!" He mimics me. He tries to deal with situations the way he thinks I would. I have explained to him a million times, he does not see my whole day with my kids. When he sees me snap or put my foot down he did not see the 10 times before that that I tried to be rational and reasonable. He is not home all of the time. I'm not going to recap every minute detail for him every night. He just doesn't get it. When I lose my temper, my kids don't bat an eyelash. They know they have pushed and I am now letting them know the discourse is at an end. Period.
My daughter had gone to her room, which is cavernous. What we were talking about downstairs was not about to be heard by her but that is all he was concerned with, her hearing us. I told him that of every thing he does to anger me (and the list is long) THIS is the top offense. He kept saying I shouldn't be yelling so she could hear me. He blamed me for making it worse and that this is where her issues were coming from. Let me clarify. I was NOT yelling. I was trying so hard NOT to yell that I am pretty sure I actually strained some neck muscles exercising so much self-control. He was deflecting.
I told him this. I told him to stop trying to take the focus of the conversation off of his behavior. We have had this conversation with the kids not even in the house. I have calmly sat down and told him that he was leaving scars on our daughter; that I was very afraid she would have issues with eating disorders down the road if he didn't desist. I told him I had talked to our daughter about this (she broached the topic, not me) and it really bothered her when he clocked her eating. She is 16 years old and a size 3, she is really a size 1/2 but I buy 3's so she can have them a while. He has no clue how tiny that is. I have said it calmly. I have said it in anger, in frustration, in desperation. Still, the lights are on and nobody's home.
He has no depth. He just doesn't get it. I have a degree in psychology. I have handled my life and my family like I would any client. Everything I say and do is with an eye on the future, it is done with the knowledge that this is staying with my children. It's not a moment or a word. If I treat my kids like animals or possessions or something I "control" am I turning out the best human being into society? My children have always been people to me. Since they were tiny little babies, I have treated them the way I treat everyone in my life, with respect and dignity. I am a mother not a prison warden. They were never "something" to me, they were "someone."
He doesn't realize how much his words affect us. He doesn't understand that this is all imprinting little subliminal messages into our psyches. Even if words are not said with intent, the implication is there. Even if they are said carelessly in anger or desperation, the damage is there. I do not speak perfectly. I say lots of things I regret. I ALWAYS go to my children or husband afterward and apologize. I explain that my words were hurtful and I regret them. I tell them I cannot take them back and I didn't mean them but the only way I can prove that is to try harder next time. I am human. I make mistakes. We all do. I try never to repeat the same offense twice. How sorry am I if I keep doing the same things over and over?
My frustration with my husband is that I've told him how this is wrong. I have explained calmly and succintly why he cannot do it. How unevolved do you have to be to keep repeating things over and over again? He accused me of "yelling" yesterday. I told him either I speak to him in that tone or drive a knife through his skull, which was really what I was wanting to do. His choice. Once he picked his jaw up and put his eyes back into his head, he went with the yelling. Maybe there is some hope for him yet.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Hope
I don't know if it's the early spring-like weather we are experiencing or just the change in the atmosphere in my home, but I feel such a sense of hope lately. For so long I felt nothing but despair and this is more than welcome.
It started simply. I went for a run yesterday and was debating going into the road because the sidewalks in my neighborhood can be difficult to navigate while trying not to look down. We need a new sidewalk and a driveway. We've needed it for a while but the money is never in the budget. For so long I would think about the fact that we needed them, realize we had a ton of debt and be depressed because I was never going to live long enough to see them. When I thought about them yesterday, I thought, maybe next year we can use our income tax return to get them. Usually that money is spent before we ever get it. It was so refreshing to look forward and not feel trapped.
I am the type of person who is always changing things. I'm constantly rearranging furniture and moving things all around the house when I get tired of looking at them somewhere. I'm the same way in the yard. Every spring I look forward to getting outside and seeing what I can create. The last few years, everything stayed exactly where it was. I felt like I had lost my ability to dream. I always have a project "cooking" in my mind. Most of them never come to fruition but it never stopped me from imagining. I had nothing. Most of my things for the yard never made it out of the shed. The gardens were left to bloom as they would. I did weed and maintain but that was the extent of my effort.
I cannot wait to get outside this year. I stand and stare out of my back door and in my mind I see it done. Do I want to make the kids a little basketball court with some concrete blocks that are laying around at my in-laws? Should I make a fire pit area in that corner of the yard where it's so bare? I dream and draw it over and over in my mind. Even though none of these projects will cost any money really (I am excellent at repurposing) for so long I just didn't care. What's the point? Who cares if my house is cute and cozy? We had become hermits who never entertained anyway. I see parties in my yard now. I see the food and drinks and what I will serve with what. I love it!
I'm a dreamer. I always have been. On one hand I am the most logical cerebral gal you will meet. I don't question alot in life. It happens. I deal. There is so much in this world that I can't control and I don't expend a whole lot of energy wondering why. I choose to spend my efforts on things I can control and change. However, I need to have that creative outlet. I need to not feel trapped in my life. For me, that is the death knell.
When I feel trapped in a rut is when I run. When I looked at my life and saw it being this way until old age and eventually death, it was tragic. More than the fighting and stress, the monotony was driving me from this marriage. With the coming of this spring, I feel my own rebirth. I feel my world unfolding like the flora and fauna will when the sun shines longer and the days turn warmer. I feel joy and I feel hope. I feel absolutely, wonderfully alive.
It started simply. I went for a run yesterday and was debating going into the road because the sidewalks in my neighborhood can be difficult to navigate while trying not to look down. We need a new sidewalk and a driveway. We've needed it for a while but the money is never in the budget. For so long I would think about the fact that we needed them, realize we had a ton of debt and be depressed because I was never going to live long enough to see them. When I thought about them yesterday, I thought, maybe next year we can use our income tax return to get them. Usually that money is spent before we ever get it. It was so refreshing to look forward and not feel trapped.
I am the type of person who is always changing things. I'm constantly rearranging furniture and moving things all around the house when I get tired of looking at them somewhere. I'm the same way in the yard. Every spring I look forward to getting outside and seeing what I can create. The last few years, everything stayed exactly where it was. I felt like I had lost my ability to dream. I always have a project "cooking" in my mind. Most of them never come to fruition but it never stopped me from imagining. I had nothing. Most of my things for the yard never made it out of the shed. The gardens were left to bloom as they would. I did weed and maintain but that was the extent of my effort.
I cannot wait to get outside this year. I stand and stare out of my back door and in my mind I see it done. Do I want to make the kids a little basketball court with some concrete blocks that are laying around at my in-laws? Should I make a fire pit area in that corner of the yard where it's so bare? I dream and draw it over and over in my mind. Even though none of these projects will cost any money really (I am excellent at repurposing) for so long I just didn't care. What's the point? Who cares if my house is cute and cozy? We had become hermits who never entertained anyway. I see parties in my yard now. I see the food and drinks and what I will serve with what. I love it!
I'm a dreamer. I always have been. On one hand I am the most logical cerebral gal you will meet. I don't question alot in life. It happens. I deal. There is so much in this world that I can't control and I don't expend a whole lot of energy wondering why. I choose to spend my efforts on things I can control and change. However, I need to have that creative outlet. I need to not feel trapped in my life. For me, that is the death knell.
When I feel trapped in a rut is when I run. When I looked at my life and saw it being this way until old age and eventually death, it was tragic. More than the fighting and stress, the monotony was driving me from this marriage. With the coming of this spring, I feel my own rebirth. I feel my world unfolding like the flora and fauna will when the sun shines longer and the days turn warmer. I feel joy and I feel hope. I feel absolutely, wonderfully alive.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Do You Remember?
Yesterday my daughter was watching a show on TLC called, "Four Weddings." Four brides compete with one another for the best wedding. At the end, the one that gets the highest overall ratings wins a spectacular honeymoom for herself and her new husband. I found myself glued to it even after she left to babysit for a neighbor.
It was interesting for me as I sat watching these blissful couples filled with love and joy. I was suddenly transported back to my own wedding day. To that moment when I stood just out of sight of the aisle in the church, on my dad's arm. My heart was beating triple time, my palms were sweaty, I had butterflies in my stomach and a million doubts in my mind. This was it. For the rest of my life I was going to be with one man. My destiny, my world was going to be forevermore intertwined with this person. I was never again going to be free to make a decision for myself, about myself. I was so young. Was I too young? Should I have shopped around a bit more? Was there a better guy and I was missing him because I was taking myself off of the market too soon?
Then I turned into that aisle. I saw my husband to be. I saw his face full of emotion and his eyes tearing and every doubt I had vanished in that moment. Every single thing on paper says I should not be with this man. In so many ways we are so opposite and we shouldn't work. Yet, deep in my soul, there was a feeling I can't describe. I knew the day I was marrying him it was going to be hard. We grew up very differently and I knew there were going to be kinks to work out but deep inside, where it matters, he was my missing puzzle piece. In all of the big ways we were exactly the same.
We both love to laugh. We have literally cracked each other up since the day we met. I think that was the hardest part of the tumultuous times we have recently experienced, the laughter was missing. It's hard to laugh when you can't pay your bills and you are not intimate and every day has become another chore to get through. There was nothing funny about our life. I have often said to my husband that we could never be with other partners because they would think we are nuts, not funny. We launch into crazy voices, sing at the top of our lungs, do crazy dances while cooking dinner. I often think our kids will be so immune to anything as adults, there isn't a whole lot of crazy they haven't experienced.
We are so compassionate. If there is a one-eyed, three-limbed, flea-infested homeless creature roaming around, it's ours. I tend to adopt the least adoptable animals. I find out exactly why they were not adopted once they are mine but I work it out. Every creature deserves love and comfort in this life. I have always wanted to live in the country and my husband, as much as he would love it, has always balked. He is afraid if I had more space it would just have more animals. I don't know another husband in the world who would come home to six feral cats and only say, "You have the best heart. You are just like Mother Theresa. I knew you wouldn't let them euthanize those cats, you wouldn't have been able to live with yourself." This was on top of the two cats, two dogs and two rabbits we already had. He went to the garage, found his bite gloves (used for inmates who act like animals) and helped me fish those kitties out twice a day for their eye drops and medications. I don't know of another guy who would have had that reaction.
I don't know if you have ever felt loved, really and truly loved, but there is no feeling like it. My ex-boyfriend, who really wanted to marry me, loved me. I know he did. He was very good to me and it was a pretty easy relationship. It was not as much work as my relationship with my husband. We were both raised in Connecticut, had similar values, both didn't want kids, etc. On paper it worked. I didn't feel it in my heart. I loved him, I really did but I knew I wouldn't love him forever. It would have been an easy marriage. I keep myself thin and attractive, speak eloquently with his colleagues, impress them with my wit and knowledge and I would in turn have a comfortable easy life. I would have been miserable.
My heart was breaking while my husband went through these last couple of years. I didn't feel that love. While it is wonderful to feel so loved, it is so much harder when it's taken away. The logical part of your brain tells you it's not something wrong with you. Every other part of your mind screams, "You're too fat! You're mean! You're impatient! You're old! You're not the girl he met!!" You try to quiet the voices but they are there, always there, clawing their way into your rational thoughts. We cannot control those around us. We can control ourselves so we look for any way we can change the situation. We try every possible thing to right the world and put it back on it's axis and sometimes it just doesn't work.
While I watched those couples on their wedding days, saying the vows that would forever join them, I remembered that love. We are lost, things are hard but I know us. We ARE those two young, scared kids who pledged their love in a church, in front of God and a few hundred of our closest friends (some of whom I've never seen since that day). Life is getting in the way of living right now but I refuse to believe that we have changed so much that we can't get back to that place. I can't believe I even thought I could give up trying.
It was interesting for me as I sat watching these blissful couples filled with love and joy. I was suddenly transported back to my own wedding day. To that moment when I stood just out of sight of the aisle in the church, on my dad's arm. My heart was beating triple time, my palms were sweaty, I had butterflies in my stomach and a million doubts in my mind. This was it. For the rest of my life I was going to be with one man. My destiny, my world was going to be forevermore intertwined with this person. I was never again going to be free to make a decision for myself, about myself. I was so young. Was I too young? Should I have shopped around a bit more? Was there a better guy and I was missing him because I was taking myself off of the market too soon?
Then I turned into that aisle. I saw my husband to be. I saw his face full of emotion and his eyes tearing and every doubt I had vanished in that moment. Every single thing on paper says I should not be with this man. In so many ways we are so opposite and we shouldn't work. Yet, deep in my soul, there was a feeling I can't describe. I knew the day I was marrying him it was going to be hard. We grew up very differently and I knew there were going to be kinks to work out but deep inside, where it matters, he was my missing puzzle piece. In all of the big ways we were exactly the same.
We both love to laugh. We have literally cracked each other up since the day we met. I think that was the hardest part of the tumultuous times we have recently experienced, the laughter was missing. It's hard to laugh when you can't pay your bills and you are not intimate and every day has become another chore to get through. There was nothing funny about our life. I have often said to my husband that we could never be with other partners because they would think we are nuts, not funny. We launch into crazy voices, sing at the top of our lungs, do crazy dances while cooking dinner. I often think our kids will be so immune to anything as adults, there isn't a whole lot of crazy they haven't experienced.
We are so compassionate. If there is a one-eyed, three-limbed, flea-infested homeless creature roaming around, it's ours. I tend to adopt the least adoptable animals. I find out exactly why they were not adopted once they are mine but I work it out. Every creature deserves love and comfort in this life. I have always wanted to live in the country and my husband, as much as he would love it, has always balked. He is afraid if I had more space it would just have more animals. I don't know another husband in the world who would come home to six feral cats and only say, "You have the best heart. You are just like Mother Theresa. I knew you wouldn't let them euthanize those cats, you wouldn't have been able to live with yourself." This was on top of the two cats, two dogs and two rabbits we already had. He went to the garage, found his bite gloves (used for inmates who act like animals) and helped me fish those kitties out twice a day for their eye drops and medications. I don't know of another guy who would have had that reaction.
I don't know if you have ever felt loved, really and truly loved, but there is no feeling like it. My ex-boyfriend, who really wanted to marry me, loved me. I know he did. He was very good to me and it was a pretty easy relationship. It was not as much work as my relationship with my husband. We were both raised in Connecticut, had similar values, both didn't want kids, etc. On paper it worked. I didn't feel it in my heart. I loved him, I really did but I knew I wouldn't love him forever. It would have been an easy marriage. I keep myself thin and attractive, speak eloquently with his colleagues, impress them with my wit and knowledge and I would in turn have a comfortable easy life. I would have been miserable.
My heart was breaking while my husband went through these last couple of years. I didn't feel that love. While it is wonderful to feel so loved, it is so much harder when it's taken away. The logical part of your brain tells you it's not something wrong with you. Every other part of your mind screams, "You're too fat! You're mean! You're impatient! You're old! You're not the girl he met!!" You try to quiet the voices but they are there, always there, clawing their way into your rational thoughts. We cannot control those around us. We can control ourselves so we look for any way we can change the situation. We try every possible thing to right the world and put it back on it's axis and sometimes it just doesn't work.
While I watched those couples on their wedding days, saying the vows that would forever join them, I remembered that love. We are lost, things are hard but I know us. We ARE those two young, scared kids who pledged their love in a church, in front of God and a few hundred of our closest friends (some of whom I've never seen since that day). Life is getting in the way of living right now but I refuse to believe that we have changed so much that we can't get back to that place. I can't believe I even thought I could give up trying.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Energy, I've Got It
Growing up I was never an athletic child. My sister, who is one year my junior, is freakishly athletic. She excelled in any sport she decided to try. My mom, being the mother of nine, decided to save time and sign me up for any sport my sister decided to test-drive. It was torture.
While my sister mastered the back tuck and aerial in gymnastics, I stalled out at the back walkover. I had no desire to do anything which did not involve hands. Even as a youngster, I saw where that had potential for a life-changing injury. While she was smacking homeruns and diving for catches in softball, I was in right field wondering what idiot chose brown uniforms for a sport played in the dead heat of summer. When my coach felt I made a great pitcher and first baseman, I begged until I got put back in right field. Way too much pressure in the other two positions.
Finally at around age 13, I begged my case sufficiently and was released from the contract. I was able to choose my own activities. I understand a parent having to give a child like me a bit of a push. I would have been content to stay in my room all day with books. I chose horseback riding and piano. I loved both. I even took an English riding class my freshman year in college to fulfill my PE requirement.
After I had children, I began walking. After all, that baby weight wasn't going to take itself off. I enjoyed it. I would pack the kids up and we would go to the park and all around the neighborhood. We would collect things on our walks every day and make crafts with them after their naps. Nothing extravagant, just time killers.
Over the years, I added lots of workout tapes to the mix. When the kids took their morning naps, I worked out. I loved tae bo, yoga, dancing, basically anything to vary my work outs. A friend of ours used to stop by alot on his days off for coffee and he said, "everytime I come here, you are working out." I didn't realize I had gotten so into it but he was right. I get bored easily and it was a way to get some variety into my days.
The last couple of years my enthusiasm has waned. I would go through spurts when I had a lot of enthusiasm. I have a friend and she inspired me to try running. We would go on marathon hiking/walking adventures every weekend. Then I rolled my ankle and had to take months off. We never did get back into the swing of it.
I continued to work out but it felt like a chore. I turned my basement into a full-fledged gym hoping it would inspire me. It wasn't a room with gym equipment in it, it became a gym (with one filing cabinet in it which I have yet to find another spot for). I did go use it but it was with dread, not enthusiasm.
The last couple of weeks I have been working out with gusto. The kids make fun of me because I will be sitting on the couch and then I'm in a plank. I'm at the computer then they look over and I'm doing push ups. I decided to just do little things all day. I had the "all or nothing" mentality. If I couldn't get a full, good workout in, I did nothing. These little changes added up and now I'm doing a quality workout every day.
Last night my husband told me he is so proud of how much I work out. I had no idea but he said he was sitting on the steps watching me in the "gym" the other day and he is so impressed with how strong I am and how committed. He doesn't know anyone who works out as much as I do. (Apparently, he took a picture of me doing yoga which I am trying to get him to delete but so far, no luck!) He also thanked me for trying so hard to cook healthfully for us and always watching out what we eat. He would eat like a teen boy if I didn't try to keep things straight. We are not perfect but I would say, 80% of our lifestyle is healthy and 20% is just fun.
I told him I struggled for a few years but I think it was because of all we were going through; the stress, the fighting and the overall pall which had begun to shadow our daily existence. I let him know that I tried my best to remain positive and optimistic but it was taking it's toll. I only have so much in me and he was draining it. As much as I would try every day to wake up and carry on, I knew things were coming to a head and my mind was filled with it. I told myself working out would make it less stressful to go through all of this but my body would not cooperate.
There is a totally different feel in my household. It feels like my old life. The kids have noticed the difference. The other day my husband was downloading music from the computer and singing and rocking out and my son said, "Oh, papa is happy again?" It's so strange because at that moment I realized I hadn't seem my husband relaxed and happy in a very long time. His face even looks peaceful and rested again. I didn't realize how changed it was for a while.
I'm back to working out. I look forward to it every day. I started my day with yoga this morning. I plan on hitting the elliptical and doing some strength training. I will walk the dog. All of this will be done with a happy heart, not a sense of dread and requirement. I am realizing how much stress affected me. I was totally unaware. I thought I was coping. No matter how much we think we control our minds, when there are things our subconscious wants to deal with, it will; with or without our permission.
While my sister mastered the back tuck and aerial in gymnastics, I stalled out at the back walkover. I had no desire to do anything which did not involve hands. Even as a youngster, I saw where that had potential for a life-changing injury. While she was smacking homeruns and diving for catches in softball, I was in right field wondering what idiot chose brown uniforms for a sport played in the dead heat of summer. When my coach felt I made a great pitcher and first baseman, I begged until I got put back in right field. Way too much pressure in the other two positions.
Finally at around age 13, I begged my case sufficiently and was released from the contract. I was able to choose my own activities. I understand a parent having to give a child like me a bit of a push. I would have been content to stay in my room all day with books. I chose horseback riding and piano. I loved both. I even took an English riding class my freshman year in college to fulfill my PE requirement.
After I had children, I began walking. After all, that baby weight wasn't going to take itself off. I enjoyed it. I would pack the kids up and we would go to the park and all around the neighborhood. We would collect things on our walks every day and make crafts with them after their naps. Nothing extravagant, just time killers.
Over the years, I added lots of workout tapes to the mix. When the kids took their morning naps, I worked out. I loved tae bo, yoga, dancing, basically anything to vary my work outs. A friend of ours used to stop by alot on his days off for coffee and he said, "everytime I come here, you are working out." I didn't realize I had gotten so into it but he was right. I get bored easily and it was a way to get some variety into my days.
The last couple of years my enthusiasm has waned. I would go through spurts when I had a lot of enthusiasm. I have a friend and she inspired me to try running. We would go on marathon hiking/walking adventures every weekend. Then I rolled my ankle and had to take months off. We never did get back into the swing of it.
I continued to work out but it felt like a chore. I turned my basement into a full-fledged gym hoping it would inspire me. It wasn't a room with gym equipment in it, it became a gym (with one filing cabinet in it which I have yet to find another spot for). I did go use it but it was with dread, not enthusiasm.
The last couple of weeks I have been working out with gusto. The kids make fun of me because I will be sitting on the couch and then I'm in a plank. I'm at the computer then they look over and I'm doing push ups. I decided to just do little things all day. I had the "all or nothing" mentality. If I couldn't get a full, good workout in, I did nothing. These little changes added up and now I'm doing a quality workout every day.
Last night my husband told me he is so proud of how much I work out. I had no idea but he said he was sitting on the steps watching me in the "gym" the other day and he is so impressed with how strong I am and how committed. He doesn't know anyone who works out as much as I do. (Apparently, he took a picture of me doing yoga which I am trying to get him to delete but so far, no luck!) He also thanked me for trying so hard to cook healthfully for us and always watching out what we eat. He would eat like a teen boy if I didn't try to keep things straight. We are not perfect but I would say, 80% of our lifestyle is healthy and 20% is just fun.
I told him I struggled for a few years but I think it was because of all we were going through; the stress, the fighting and the overall pall which had begun to shadow our daily existence. I let him know that I tried my best to remain positive and optimistic but it was taking it's toll. I only have so much in me and he was draining it. As much as I would try every day to wake up and carry on, I knew things were coming to a head and my mind was filled with it. I told myself working out would make it less stressful to go through all of this but my body would not cooperate.
There is a totally different feel in my household. It feels like my old life. The kids have noticed the difference. The other day my husband was downloading music from the computer and singing and rocking out and my son said, "Oh, papa is happy again?" It's so strange because at that moment I realized I hadn't seem my husband relaxed and happy in a very long time. His face even looks peaceful and rested again. I didn't realize how changed it was for a while.
I'm back to working out. I look forward to it every day. I started my day with yoga this morning. I plan on hitting the elliptical and doing some strength training. I will walk the dog. All of this will be done with a happy heart, not a sense of dread and requirement. I am realizing how much stress affected me. I was totally unaware. I thought I was coping. No matter how much we think we control our minds, when there are things our subconscious wants to deal with, it will; with or without our permission.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
A Little Help From Above
Yesterday was a beautiful sunny day. The temperatures were mild and the birds were chirping. It really felt like spring . Whenever the weather is like that I find myself thinking of my husband's brother. I had a whole conversation with him yesterday while running on the elliptical. Turns out my husband was visiting him at the exact same time. He decided to stop by the cemetary on the way home.
He told me he felt that our luck had really been changing lately and he has been feeling his brother's presence very strongly. I have felt the same. It's nothing I can explain. He is just "there." I am doing something totally unrelated and he is in my mind. It feels like he is in the room with me and I talk directly to him in my head. My husband has been experiencing the same thing and wanted to stop by and let him know that we have felt him and we appreciate his guidance.
It's been 11 years since he has passed away. I don't think there are times that we DON'T think of him. It's always a void. Especially because he was so great. He was the life of the party. He was kind and humorous. There was nothing he wouldn't do for a friend or family member. Next to my husband, I loved him as much as I have ever loved any man, of course in a platonic sense. He felt like a brother to me. He loved my kids as if they were his own. When my daughter was little he was the only one besides my husband and myself who could comfort her. He was very protective of her being the only girl in a group of male cousins.
My husband's nephew may be moving in down the street with his mom. One day, years ago, his nephew asked why his mom never came to family functions. I knew that day would come. When his dad passed away, they were not together. There were alot of trust issues and she really was actually cruel in the confused state he was in at the end. We all knew she was with another man but she would have his brother over for dinner and tell him she wanted to be a family, etc. Every time he tried to move on, she would come back around. She knew she didn't want him but she didn't want to lose the security of him. My husband knew this and hated her for it. My brother in law also knew but was ok with it. He was so sick he just didn't have the energy to put up a fight about it. When someone passes away there is alot of anger. My husband decided to direct it all at her. Was it fair? No. He died from cancer, not her. We all deal with grief differently and I let it be.
After his nephew asked however, I knew things had to change. The past was over and you can't hold a grudge forever. Holding on to anger just makes you an angry person. He had to find a way to let it go. I tried everything. Finally one day I said to him, "You know if your brother was alive our boys would be like brothers. They would be as close as you and your brother were." That was it. It clicked and we had a good relationship for a number of years. Sure enough our boys did get very close.
Then there was another falling out, over money of course. I was elected spokesperson on an issue and we ended up disagreeing. Honestly, I could care less. However, I made promises to my brother-in-law before he passed. He made me promise never to let this woman near his son's money or to know how much he had if something happened. He felt the day his son got it that she would go through it. This was to be all his son had left of him. He wanted it to be HIS and his alone, to do with what he wanted. I promised him. When she got angry and defensive there was nothing I could say other than what he had said all those years ago. I would not break my word.
She decided to be angry. That's fine. I didn't have a problem with her. We had a disagreement. I don't always agree with everyone on every issue but I certainly don't hold a grudge over it. She decided to and I'm ok with that. However, our children have suffered. The kids don't see eachother like they used to and their relationship isn't nearly as close. I told my kids I was sorry for it but I felt I'd extended the olive branch and that I can't control everything. They have grown to accept that.
Now he is moving to a house I can see from my front door. I told my husband I thought that was his brother working things out. The falling out was,after all, over his wishes. My son is so excited. He's told me he is going to take his cousin to and from school every day and they can play catch after school and go to the basketball court to play with their other friends. He also said on Wednesdays he can come with us to their grandparents' to eat dinner. He's so thrilled to have him nearby and he's not even in the house yet.
In this world we can only control so much. We can try our best to be good people and kind. We cannot, unfortunately, control everyone around us. We can have the best of intentions and be met with stubborness and hostility. There isn't alot we can do about that. At those times, I think it's a good idea to ask for a little help from above. Just look, it's working pretty well for us.
He told me he felt that our luck had really been changing lately and he has been feeling his brother's presence very strongly. I have felt the same. It's nothing I can explain. He is just "there." I am doing something totally unrelated and he is in my mind. It feels like he is in the room with me and I talk directly to him in my head. My husband has been experiencing the same thing and wanted to stop by and let him know that we have felt him and we appreciate his guidance.
It's been 11 years since he has passed away. I don't think there are times that we DON'T think of him. It's always a void. Especially because he was so great. He was the life of the party. He was kind and humorous. There was nothing he wouldn't do for a friend or family member. Next to my husband, I loved him as much as I have ever loved any man, of course in a platonic sense. He felt like a brother to me. He loved my kids as if they were his own. When my daughter was little he was the only one besides my husband and myself who could comfort her. He was very protective of her being the only girl in a group of male cousins.
My husband's nephew may be moving in down the street with his mom. One day, years ago, his nephew asked why his mom never came to family functions. I knew that day would come. When his dad passed away, they were not together. There were alot of trust issues and she really was actually cruel in the confused state he was in at the end. We all knew she was with another man but she would have his brother over for dinner and tell him she wanted to be a family, etc. Every time he tried to move on, she would come back around. She knew she didn't want him but she didn't want to lose the security of him. My husband knew this and hated her for it. My brother in law also knew but was ok with it. He was so sick he just didn't have the energy to put up a fight about it. When someone passes away there is alot of anger. My husband decided to direct it all at her. Was it fair? No. He died from cancer, not her. We all deal with grief differently and I let it be.
After his nephew asked however, I knew things had to change. The past was over and you can't hold a grudge forever. Holding on to anger just makes you an angry person. He had to find a way to let it go. I tried everything. Finally one day I said to him, "You know if your brother was alive our boys would be like brothers. They would be as close as you and your brother were." That was it. It clicked and we had a good relationship for a number of years. Sure enough our boys did get very close.
Then there was another falling out, over money of course. I was elected spokesperson on an issue and we ended up disagreeing. Honestly, I could care less. However, I made promises to my brother-in-law before he passed. He made me promise never to let this woman near his son's money or to know how much he had if something happened. He felt the day his son got it that she would go through it. This was to be all his son had left of him. He wanted it to be HIS and his alone, to do with what he wanted. I promised him. When she got angry and defensive there was nothing I could say other than what he had said all those years ago. I would not break my word.
She decided to be angry. That's fine. I didn't have a problem with her. We had a disagreement. I don't always agree with everyone on every issue but I certainly don't hold a grudge over it. She decided to and I'm ok with that. However, our children have suffered. The kids don't see eachother like they used to and their relationship isn't nearly as close. I told my kids I was sorry for it but I felt I'd extended the olive branch and that I can't control everything. They have grown to accept that.
Now he is moving to a house I can see from my front door. I told my husband I thought that was his brother working things out. The falling out was,after all, over his wishes. My son is so excited. He's told me he is going to take his cousin to and from school every day and they can play catch after school and go to the basketball court to play with their other friends. He also said on Wednesdays he can come with us to their grandparents' to eat dinner. He's so thrilled to have him nearby and he's not even in the house yet.
In this world we can only control so much. We can try our best to be good people and kind. We cannot, unfortunately, control everyone around us. We can have the best of intentions and be met with stubborness and hostility. There isn't alot we can do about that. At those times, I think it's a good idea to ask for a little help from above. Just look, it's working pretty well for us.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Turn It Around
I have often joked, half-heartedly, to my husband that we have a black cloud hanging over us at all times. If something can go wrong, for us, it goes catastrophically so.
Our tv just stopped working the other night. We could hear it but there was no picture. Normally this would mean tons of drama. Something as simple as a broken tv usually turns into about five more "wrong" things before the problem is remedied. Not this time!
About a year ago, when the tv was still under warranty, we started having problems with the picture. We called Sam's club (where we purchased it) and they referred us to Vizio (the manufacturer). After a few phone calls back and forth a tech was supposed to come out and take a look. We never heard from anyone again. After a few phone calls to get someone out here, the tv magically started working again so we just let it go.
Now, a year has passed and we have no tv. In our "normal" world we would call Sam's, they would tell us how very sorry they are but the tv is out of warranty so too bad. NOT in our new world. My husband called, explained the situation and how we tried to have it looked at last year but the ball got dropped so it never happened. He has all of his receipts, extended warranty info and all of the details of the phone calls. The manager at Sam's Club told him to come on up and he would make it right. Boy, did he!
I'm not sure if you all know this or not but flat screen tv's have dramatically dropped in price since the first ones came out. We got a new 42" tv for the living room, a 22" tv for our bedroom and had almost $400 in store credit. THAT is making it right. As soon as the manager saw all of the paperwork he didn't ask another question, just said, "Go pick out a new tv." That, my friends, is customer service. A forgotten art in our new busy worlds.
A while back my husband was griping about something. I told him it was exhausting being around him. I explained that I had been sucked into his negative energy for too long and that I was going back to the old me. I have always been very cheerful and positive. I found myself looking at everything with doom on my mind and jealousy in my heart. I didn't like it. There is always going to be someone with more than me. More beauty, more thinness, more money, a bigger home, a nicer car. If I try to keep up or outdo I will never stop.
When something bad happened I was always the one who would be calm. Stuff happens, it's called life. My husband would flip and panic and I would talk him down. I found myself feeling that same sense of despondency and misery every time something else went wrong. I didn't like it. It doesn't fit on me. I don't like being sad and I don't like gloom and doom. Guess what? The only one who controls how I look at life is me. I choose to handle trauma positively. I find it passes much more quickly and painlessly with the right attitude.
Since that conversation, I really saw my husband trying to handle things differently. He wouldn't get so frustrated and angry when things went wrong. I saw a genuine effort and control. You can bet I was very quick to point out the turn in our luck. I told him I noticed him trying to put forth good positive energy into the world and asked him if he noticed how this situation turned out much more optimistically than most of ours do. He said he had been thinking about that ever since I pointed it out and he really was trying to change. Then he told me I just might be right about this. I, of course, laughed and agreed but in my mind I was thinking, "THIS?" Oh darling, I'm right about everything!!
Our tv just stopped working the other night. We could hear it but there was no picture. Normally this would mean tons of drama. Something as simple as a broken tv usually turns into about five more "wrong" things before the problem is remedied. Not this time!
About a year ago, when the tv was still under warranty, we started having problems with the picture. We called Sam's club (where we purchased it) and they referred us to Vizio (the manufacturer). After a few phone calls back and forth a tech was supposed to come out and take a look. We never heard from anyone again. After a few phone calls to get someone out here, the tv magically started working again so we just let it go.
Now, a year has passed and we have no tv. In our "normal" world we would call Sam's, they would tell us how very sorry they are but the tv is out of warranty so too bad. NOT in our new world. My husband called, explained the situation and how we tried to have it looked at last year but the ball got dropped so it never happened. He has all of his receipts, extended warranty info and all of the details of the phone calls. The manager at Sam's Club told him to come on up and he would make it right. Boy, did he!
I'm not sure if you all know this or not but flat screen tv's have dramatically dropped in price since the first ones came out. We got a new 42" tv for the living room, a 22" tv for our bedroom and had almost $400 in store credit. THAT is making it right. As soon as the manager saw all of the paperwork he didn't ask another question, just said, "Go pick out a new tv." That, my friends, is customer service. A forgotten art in our new busy worlds.
A while back my husband was griping about something. I told him it was exhausting being around him. I explained that I had been sucked into his negative energy for too long and that I was going back to the old me. I have always been very cheerful and positive. I found myself looking at everything with doom on my mind and jealousy in my heart. I didn't like it. There is always going to be someone with more than me. More beauty, more thinness, more money, a bigger home, a nicer car. If I try to keep up or outdo I will never stop.
When something bad happened I was always the one who would be calm. Stuff happens, it's called life. My husband would flip and panic and I would talk him down. I found myself feeling that same sense of despondency and misery every time something else went wrong. I didn't like it. It doesn't fit on me. I don't like being sad and I don't like gloom and doom. Guess what? The only one who controls how I look at life is me. I choose to handle trauma positively. I find it passes much more quickly and painlessly with the right attitude.
Since that conversation, I really saw my husband trying to handle things differently. He wouldn't get so frustrated and angry when things went wrong. I saw a genuine effort and control. You can bet I was very quick to point out the turn in our luck. I told him I noticed him trying to put forth good positive energy into the world and asked him if he noticed how this situation turned out much more optimistically than most of ours do. He said he had been thinking about that ever since I pointed it out and he really was trying to change. Then he told me I just might be right about this. I, of course, laughed and agreed but in my mind I was thinking, "THIS?" Oh darling, I'm right about everything!!
Monday, February 20, 2012
It Just Keeps Raining
Last week our car had to have the radiator replaced. Our son went to pick up our daughter at dance and called and said steam was coming out of the hood when he parked it. So at 9 p.m., we jumped in the car with a gallon of antifreeze and after a trip to a service station for yet ANOTHER gallon, we were able to drive the car home.
We picked up our car yesterday and it is running great. That is until last night when again my son was going to pick up my daughter from dance. This time he noticed the front light flashed brightly and then dimmed. Thank God that happened in the driveway. It was 9:30 p.m. and technically he shouldn't be driving past 9 p.m. but I cannot describe how much I hate going to pick her up in the winter that late at night. I am not a late night girl. He just took the other car, no big deal.
We then went to turn on the tv. No picture. We've got sound but no picture. So we googled it and every piece of information we found said the same thing; after about five years they die. If I had known that when we bought the tv, I'm not sure how willingly I would have gone into it. I don't do electronics. That is my husband's domain. He chooses the computers, phones, tv's, etc. That is his "thing." Honestly, I could care less about the tv. I don't think I'd miss it if we didn't replace it.
Earlier in the night my husband tried to open my daughter's window and broke all of the clips off that allow the window to tilt. I'm still not sure why he was opening the window in the middle of February. Luckily, he had some extra clips in the basement so that wasn't a big problem either.
Usually when these little tragedies occur, I get anxious. I know my husband is going to flip and I have a horrible feeling inside waiting for the blow up that is sure to occur. Last night, I couldn't care less. I think I am gaining back my independence. I am all done allowing my emotions to be tied to his. If he chooses to handle every problem like a lunatic, that is his choice. I accept that the more "stuff" we have, the more chance we have of it breaking. Technology is a wonderful thing in so many ways but at the same time it is non-stop maintenance.
I think about my parents' lives all of the time. There was no huge cable bill. No cell phone bill. No $800 tv. No online bills. When they bought a car it was meant to last, not break down the minute it was paid off. Tires were made to last for years, not a few thousand miles. The cars didn't have all of the electronic "gadgets" that are constantly breaking. Our bills are huge compared to what they had. I'm sure if I shared with my mom our basic "operating" bills every month she would be appalled.
Life is so much more complicated now. I often feel I was born in the wrong era or maybe it's that I'm still tied to another life in another time. I am such a simple person. I like the most basic lifestyle. Granted, I'm addicted to Facebook and Pinterest but only because I have them. I'm confident if I no longer had access to them I would just start reading incessantly which is what I did before them.
I miss my childhood when we played outside all day until dinner. After dinner it was a few family shows on our 13 channels and then bed. We all watched the same shows together and we all could appreciate them. I think about my kids' futures and how isolated and dependent on technology they are going to be. For them it just IS. They could literally not have any life outside of their virtual one and never think twice about it. I'm sad for them. I'm sad that they will not know the slowness of life. I'm sad they will not have a minute of their adulthood without stimulation. They are so used to constantly having access to everyone and everything at the touch of a button. Progress is a wonderful thing but wouldn't it be nice to get ahead for a minute and stay there without something breaking and sucking yet another dollar out of the budget?
We picked up our car yesterday and it is running great. That is until last night when again my son was going to pick up my daughter from dance. This time he noticed the front light flashed brightly and then dimmed. Thank God that happened in the driveway. It was 9:30 p.m. and technically he shouldn't be driving past 9 p.m. but I cannot describe how much I hate going to pick her up in the winter that late at night. I am not a late night girl. He just took the other car, no big deal.
We then went to turn on the tv. No picture. We've got sound but no picture. So we googled it and every piece of information we found said the same thing; after about five years they die. If I had known that when we bought the tv, I'm not sure how willingly I would have gone into it. I don't do electronics. That is my husband's domain. He chooses the computers, phones, tv's, etc. That is his "thing." Honestly, I could care less about the tv. I don't think I'd miss it if we didn't replace it.
Earlier in the night my husband tried to open my daughter's window and broke all of the clips off that allow the window to tilt. I'm still not sure why he was opening the window in the middle of February. Luckily, he had some extra clips in the basement so that wasn't a big problem either.
Usually when these little tragedies occur, I get anxious. I know my husband is going to flip and I have a horrible feeling inside waiting for the blow up that is sure to occur. Last night, I couldn't care less. I think I am gaining back my independence. I am all done allowing my emotions to be tied to his. If he chooses to handle every problem like a lunatic, that is his choice. I accept that the more "stuff" we have, the more chance we have of it breaking. Technology is a wonderful thing in so many ways but at the same time it is non-stop maintenance.
I think about my parents' lives all of the time. There was no huge cable bill. No cell phone bill. No $800 tv. No online bills. When they bought a car it was meant to last, not break down the minute it was paid off. Tires were made to last for years, not a few thousand miles. The cars didn't have all of the electronic "gadgets" that are constantly breaking. Our bills are huge compared to what they had. I'm sure if I shared with my mom our basic "operating" bills every month she would be appalled.
Life is so much more complicated now. I often feel I was born in the wrong era or maybe it's that I'm still tied to another life in another time. I am such a simple person. I like the most basic lifestyle. Granted, I'm addicted to Facebook and Pinterest but only because I have them. I'm confident if I no longer had access to them I would just start reading incessantly which is what I did before them.
I miss my childhood when we played outside all day until dinner. After dinner it was a few family shows on our 13 channels and then bed. We all watched the same shows together and we all could appreciate them. I think about my kids' futures and how isolated and dependent on technology they are going to be. For them it just IS. They could literally not have any life outside of their virtual one and never think twice about it. I'm sad for them. I'm sad that they will not know the slowness of life. I'm sad they will not have a minute of their adulthood without stimulation. They are so used to constantly having access to everyone and everything at the touch of a button. Progress is a wonderful thing but wouldn't it be nice to get ahead for a minute and stay there without something breaking and sucking yet another dollar out of the budget?
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Baby Steps
My husband used to be so motivated. The grass never grew under his feet. Any projects that had to be done were taken care of immediately and he would try anything. He didn't always know what he was doing but he was willing to learn. We are not wealthy and when you own a home you either figure some simple things out or get ready to shell out money for EVERYTHING. One thing I've learned is that eventually things you don't even know are IN your home will need repairs or replacement.
The last few years he became a huge procrastinator. We've had things that needed fixing that have been put on the back burner literally for years. The kids would ask for something or ask when something was going to get fixed and he would say, "I'll get to it." At some point, they learned that meant it was not getting done. Ever. If they hear those words come out of his mouth it's as good as a lie.
I had cleared out my daughter's room the other day. Some of her furniture was in our bedroom and some was in the hallway. Our upstairs is VERY small. The kids' rooms are huge because we put an addition on and doubled their bedrooms but the original part of our house is tiny. This is the source of my anxiety when I undertake projects. The work doesn't scare me but navigating the crammed in junk does. I feel like everywhere I turn there is "stuff." I like organization. Everything has a place in my home. I'm not neurotic and I can deal with a mess but I know that that mess will eventually find it's way back to it's rightful place so that makes me able to cope.
I told my husband that my daughter's bed needed to be disassembled and brought to the attic (well, at that point I said "thrown out the window" but we compromised and decided attic). I also told him the dresser and trunk needed to be brought up as well. Right away he balked. He told me he wouldn't work overtime and he would get out at three and bring it up the next day.
I know my husband. He had worked until 6 p.m. and he wanted to sit down with some supper and his glass of wine and relax after a long day at work. I get that. We are all tired at the end of the day and the last thing we want to do in the evening is move furniture around or work some more. I really understood it but come on, this stuff has to be done. It's a half hour work right now or three hours lost overtime and the same amount of work the next day. It was his typical response to anything these days.
Then I heard him in the attic rearranging. He told me he was going to do that so I didn't think much of it. I went into my bedroom and noticed the trunk and mirror were gone. Next thing I knew he called me and asked if I could help bring up the dresser. Next the bed was apart and being whisked into the attic as well. Every little thing I had asked for was done. I didn't have to argue or beg or ask again.
I just went and hugged him and asked if he had changed his mind. He told me it was just easier to do it at that moment rather than put it off until tomorrow. It wasn't going to be any easier then. He said at the end of a long day he was tired and just wanted to relax but realized he would just wait for another half hour and have the rest of the night to do that. He told me that now the room was cleared so when I had to paint that half it would be easier.
I was thrilled. THIS is my husband. This rational man who knows that when there are things to be done, ultimately, he and I are the only ones to do them. I felt his procrastinating was a symptom of depression. I told him that a million times and recommended he see a doctor. Depression runs in his family and let's face it, even if it didn't, who wouldn't be depressed in the situation we were in?
This week I see my old guy emerging. He is hopeful. He speaks of plans for the future. For so long he didn't talk about anything we would be doing. I think he knew if things didn't change we would be doing things in our living room only. His sense of humor is slowly emerging. When the kids are not immediately cooperative I see him trying to be patient rather than snapping. He is trying to find compromise with them rather than "win." He's excited about the projects going on around the house and told me he can't wait to get home from work today and get her room put together because he knows she's going to love it.
I am hopeful. I feel a sense of adventure looking toward our future that I though was dead. I had lost my ability to dream or care. I didn't look forward to anything because it only led to disappointment. I didn't make plans because I was let down when they didn't work out. I feel lighter now. I'm slowly beginning to trust again because his actions are speaking to me rather than his empty words. Like the phoenix, from the ashes, we can emerge.
The last few years he became a huge procrastinator. We've had things that needed fixing that have been put on the back burner literally for years. The kids would ask for something or ask when something was going to get fixed and he would say, "I'll get to it." At some point, they learned that meant it was not getting done. Ever. If they hear those words come out of his mouth it's as good as a lie.
I had cleared out my daughter's room the other day. Some of her furniture was in our bedroom and some was in the hallway. Our upstairs is VERY small. The kids' rooms are huge because we put an addition on and doubled their bedrooms but the original part of our house is tiny. This is the source of my anxiety when I undertake projects. The work doesn't scare me but navigating the crammed in junk does. I feel like everywhere I turn there is "stuff." I like organization. Everything has a place in my home. I'm not neurotic and I can deal with a mess but I know that that mess will eventually find it's way back to it's rightful place so that makes me able to cope.
I told my husband that my daughter's bed needed to be disassembled and brought to the attic (well, at that point I said "thrown out the window" but we compromised and decided attic). I also told him the dresser and trunk needed to be brought up as well. Right away he balked. He told me he wouldn't work overtime and he would get out at three and bring it up the next day.
I know my husband. He had worked until 6 p.m. and he wanted to sit down with some supper and his glass of wine and relax after a long day at work. I get that. We are all tired at the end of the day and the last thing we want to do in the evening is move furniture around or work some more. I really understood it but come on, this stuff has to be done. It's a half hour work right now or three hours lost overtime and the same amount of work the next day. It was his typical response to anything these days.
Then I heard him in the attic rearranging. He told me he was going to do that so I didn't think much of it. I went into my bedroom and noticed the trunk and mirror were gone. Next thing I knew he called me and asked if I could help bring up the dresser. Next the bed was apart and being whisked into the attic as well. Every little thing I had asked for was done. I didn't have to argue or beg or ask again.
I just went and hugged him and asked if he had changed his mind. He told me it was just easier to do it at that moment rather than put it off until tomorrow. It wasn't going to be any easier then. He said at the end of a long day he was tired and just wanted to relax but realized he would just wait for another half hour and have the rest of the night to do that. He told me that now the room was cleared so when I had to paint that half it would be easier.
I was thrilled. THIS is my husband. This rational man who knows that when there are things to be done, ultimately, he and I are the only ones to do them. I felt his procrastinating was a symptom of depression. I told him that a million times and recommended he see a doctor. Depression runs in his family and let's face it, even if it didn't, who wouldn't be depressed in the situation we were in?
This week I see my old guy emerging. He is hopeful. He speaks of plans for the future. For so long he didn't talk about anything we would be doing. I think he knew if things didn't change we would be doing things in our living room only. His sense of humor is slowly emerging. When the kids are not immediately cooperative I see him trying to be patient rather than snapping. He is trying to find compromise with them rather than "win." He's excited about the projects going on around the house and told me he can't wait to get home from work today and get her room put together because he knows she's going to love it.
I am hopeful. I feel a sense of adventure looking toward our future that I though was dead. I had lost my ability to dream or care. I didn't look forward to anything because it only led to disappointment. I didn't make plans because I was let down when they didn't work out. I feel lighter now. I'm slowly beginning to trust again because his actions are speaking to me rather than his empty words. Like the phoenix, from the ashes, we can emerge.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Eye On The Prize
Today I will be painting my daughter's room. It is part of her 16th birthday gift. We have the bed here, I have been going around the house looking for things to repurpose and I'm excited to get the painting done. I do NOT like doing ceilings but I just have to remember, it's one ceiling. It will be over and then I don't have to do it again (well, not for a few years at least).
I'm always enthused to do these little projects but shortly in I start to panic. Bathrooms and living rooms are ok because there is a limited amount of "stuff." Bedrooms are my biggest triggers. Especially when I'm redoing them along with painting. There is the plethora of items that will no longer be in the room that have to be stored somewhere until I decide what to do with them. I like to put them into the car and immediately bring them to Volunteers of America. That way they are cleared out right away and I feel less anxious.
My husband usually agrees with this approach. This time he wants to have a tag sale. I despise tag sales. When the kids were little I liked them. It was a great way to get rid of clothing, toys, furniture, etc. that they had outgrown. I had one every spring so the junk was cleared out regularly. For years I didn't have one. It seemed like so much work for so little money. I give my stuff away at my sales. I can't be bothered bringing it back into the house so I make sure it's priced to sell. Finally, little by little, I brought the stuff that I had been saving for the next sale to charity and got rid of it.
Then we decided to have another sale and it stockpiled again. Even though the things are in the attic, it freaks me out. To know that I have this huge amount of useless junk piled up in my attic disturbs me. We did a very impromptu sale so half of the stuff never even made it out of the attic last time. I just went up and grabbed what was readily available. I really didn't "dig." Afterward, I saw SO much more I could have sold. Of course I wanted to just bring it down little by little and bring it to charity but my husband convinced me to wait.
Now we will have most of my daughter's bedroom as well. I have no idea where we are going to put it but my husband assures me he will take care of it and organize it so I don't have to worry. I am taking him at his word. I understand his point. Her furniture is beautiful. It is perfect for a little girl's room. I would just put it on the curb for free. He knows this so that's why he made sure he had a plan in place. We are totally changing the whole theme of the room so most of her accessories are going too. Nothing is wrong with any of this stuff, she's just at a different phase.
Everything will go everywhere today while I paint. I will remove as much as I can but the bigger pieces are going to have to wait for my husband to get home tonight. I am going to have to navigate around them. The kids are also off from school today and want to help. Of course they are old enough to be an asset in the project but having the controlling nature I tend to possess in my remodeling jobs, I'm going to have to work really hard on patience today. All of the stuff plus three people in the room as opposed to just me is going to really push my limits.
I am going to have to keep in mind that ultimately the extra hands will be time saving. That is one less crick in my neck tonight. I may actually be able to use my right arm tomorrow if I have some help. This will be my mantra today. I need to remember that in the end my daughter is going to have a beautiful space that reflects her growing personality. I will keep in mind that it is going to be a clean, serene room when all is said and done. If I have to be uncomfortable for a few hours to get to that place, I can endure. Oh, and I'm going to pray. I'm going to pray my butt off that all of these intentions I put forth this morning will carry me through the disarray that is going to be my day.
I'm always enthused to do these little projects but shortly in I start to panic. Bathrooms and living rooms are ok because there is a limited amount of "stuff." Bedrooms are my biggest triggers. Especially when I'm redoing them along with painting. There is the plethora of items that will no longer be in the room that have to be stored somewhere until I decide what to do with them. I like to put them into the car and immediately bring them to Volunteers of America. That way they are cleared out right away and I feel less anxious.
My husband usually agrees with this approach. This time he wants to have a tag sale. I despise tag sales. When the kids were little I liked them. It was a great way to get rid of clothing, toys, furniture, etc. that they had outgrown. I had one every spring so the junk was cleared out regularly. For years I didn't have one. It seemed like so much work for so little money. I give my stuff away at my sales. I can't be bothered bringing it back into the house so I make sure it's priced to sell. Finally, little by little, I brought the stuff that I had been saving for the next sale to charity and got rid of it.
Then we decided to have another sale and it stockpiled again. Even though the things are in the attic, it freaks me out. To know that I have this huge amount of useless junk piled up in my attic disturbs me. We did a very impromptu sale so half of the stuff never even made it out of the attic last time. I just went up and grabbed what was readily available. I really didn't "dig." Afterward, I saw SO much more I could have sold. Of course I wanted to just bring it down little by little and bring it to charity but my husband convinced me to wait.
Now we will have most of my daughter's bedroom as well. I have no idea where we are going to put it but my husband assures me he will take care of it and organize it so I don't have to worry. I am taking him at his word. I understand his point. Her furniture is beautiful. It is perfect for a little girl's room. I would just put it on the curb for free. He knows this so that's why he made sure he had a plan in place. We are totally changing the whole theme of the room so most of her accessories are going too. Nothing is wrong with any of this stuff, she's just at a different phase.
Everything will go everywhere today while I paint. I will remove as much as I can but the bigger pieces are going to have to wait for my husband to get home tonight. I am going to have to navigate around them. The kids are also off from school today and want to help. Of course they are old enough to be an asset in the project but having the controlling nature I tend to possess in my remodeling jobs, I'm going to have to work really hard on patience today. All of the stuff plus three people in the room as opposed to just me is going to really push my limits.
I am going to have to keep in mind that ultimately the extra hands will be time saving. That is one less crick in my neck tonight. I may actually be able to use my right arm tomorrow if I have some help. This will be my mantra today. I need to remember that in the end my daughter is going to have a beautiful space that reflects her growing personality. I will keep in mind that it is going to be a clean, serene room when all is said and done. If I have to be uncomfortable for a few hours to get to that place, I can endure. Oh, and I'm going to pray. I'm going to pray my butt off that all of these intentions I put forth this morning will carry me through the disarray that is going to be my day.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Let The Sunshine In
My husband was like a machine yesterday. He was going through his list of things to do like lightening. As the day wore on, I could see his face literally clearing like the grey skies after a ground-soaking summer storm. The light within him is slowly beginning to shine again.
At dinner last night (yes, I am back to eating with the family, turns out I'm not great at laying around) he told me he checked so many things off of his "list." I had no idea he had a list or was worried about getting anything done. Turns out these things have been consuming him for a while but he just couldn't do anything about it. He said the next thing he's doing is a Dr.'s appointment. That is huge.
The one thing that was non-negotiable was that he establish savings accounts for the kids. When I found out he went through their old accounts trying to pay our debt, insane does not come close to my reaction. I was devastated. When we got our income tax money I told him either to put a couple of thousand into each kid's account or I was getting a full-time job, putting the money in and then moving out. Yesterday he came home with two passbooks for the kids. He told me he put $1,000 into each account. I was shocked. Did he not get the memo? That is NOT 2,000. He said he put that and was going to put the other $1,000 in "after."
This scared me. He is doing it again. Whenever we have a chunk of money he spends it nickel by dime until it's gone. I told him I know his intention was good but not an option. The money had to go in now. He kept saying that he would be only left with x amount but I stuck to my guns. I told him I didn't care if we were left with nothing, those accounts came first. Then I told him to book me a plane ticket. Apparently I wasn't clear. Either the money went into the accounts or I was out. He made the choice for me by not putting the money in. He could NOT process why I was so upset. He was so proud of himself. I was harshing his mellow and of course that was me being an irrational witch again. He, again, was the victim of one of my tirades.
I took the dog for a walk because trying to get him to understand me was fruitless. Normally in that situation I would pet him and coddle him and tell him how proud I was that he got the accounts set up. I would tell him that I know he would put the money in. Yesterday I told him I didn't trust him and I didn't know if I ever would again. I told him his word meant nothing to me and I needed to see the money in there NOW, not when he got done taking care of "other stuff."
When the kids got home from school he gave them each their passbooks and told them they had $2,000 in their accounts. He explained how they worked, what they were for, etc. ALL I heard was $2,000. When they went upstairs I asked how that happened. When I took the dog for his walk, he called the bank and put another thousand into each account.
That single action spoke to me more than all of the words he could utter. He's getting it. He is trying to change. He is not so stubborn that we are going to go through the same hell we have been in. He heard me and listened, really listened. He knew this one thing was not optional, not negotiable. It was my way or there was going to be very real, unpleasant consequences.
We both want change. We both want happiness and intimacy and love. We are not the people who we have become. I have been doing so much reflection. Neither one of us wants to be the people we are now. I lay my head on the pillow and have so many regrets. I have really started thinking about how hard it was for this man to know we did not have the money to cover our bills every month and the stress that put him under. I have thought about the juggling game it was every month. I would have snapped long before he did.
I can't blame any more. I can't be angry. He did the best he could and how long do I punish him for being less than chipper? I'm lucky he wasn't in a catatonic depression. I'm opening my heart. I'm letting go of my bitterness and stubborness. My acting like him to punish him isn't going to get us anywhere but where we've been. His one action may seem like a little thing to an outsider but for me it was all I needed to begin my investment anew. It's time to turn our faces to the sun and let it's warmth and light back into our home.
At dinner last night (yes, I am back to eating with the family, turns out I'm not great at laying around) he told me he checked so many things off of his "list." I had no idea he had a list or was worried about getting anything done. Turns out these things have been consuming him for a while but he just couldn't do anything about it. He said the next thing he's doing is a Dr.'s appointment. That is huge.
The one thing that was non-negotiable was that he establish savings accounts for the kids. When I found out he went through their old accounts trying to pay our debt, insane does not come close to my reaction. I was devastated. When we got our income tax money I told him either to put a couple of thousand into each kid's account or I was getting a full-time job, putting the money in and then moving out. Yesterday he came home with two passbooks for the kids. He told me he put $1,000 into each account. I was shocked. Did he not get the memo? That is NOT 2,000. He said he put that and was going to put the other $1,000 in "after."
This scared me. He is doing it again. Whenever we have a chunk of money he spends it nickel by dime until it's gone. I told him I know his intention was good but not an option. The money had to go in now. He kept saying that he would be only left with x amount but I stuck to my guns. I told him I didn't care if we were left with nothing, those accounts came first. Then I told him to book me a plane ticket. Apparently I wasn't clear. Either the money went into the accounts or I was out. He made the choice for me by not putting the money in. He could NOT process why I was so upset. He was so proud of himself. I was harshing his mellow and of course that was me being an irrational witch again. He, again, was the victim of one of my tirades.
I took the dog for a walk because trying to get him to understand me was fruitless. Normally in that situation I would pet him and coddle him and tell him how proud I was that he got the accounts set up. I would tell him that I know he would put the money in. Yesterday I told him I didn't trust him and I didn't know if I ever would again. I told him his word meant nothing to me and I needed to see the money in there NOW, not when he got done taking care of "other stuff."
When the kids got home from school he gave them each their passbooks and told them they had $2,000 in their accounts. He explained how they worked, what they were for, etc. ALL I heard was $2,000. When they went upstairs I asked how that happened. When I took the dog for his walk, he called the bank and put another thousand into each account.
That single action spoke to me more than all of the words he could utter. He's getting it. He is trying to change. He is not so stubborn that we are going to go through the same hell we have been in. He heard me and listened, really listened. He knew this one thing was not optional, not negotiable. It was my way or there was going to be very real, unpleasant consequences.
We both want change. We both want happiness and intimacy and love. We are not the people who we have become. I have been doing so much reflection. Neither one of us wants to be the people we are now. I lay my head on the pillow and have so many regrets. I have really started thinking about how hard it was for this man to know we did not have the money to cover our bills every month and the stress that put him under. I have thought about the juggling game it was every month. I would have snapped long before he did.
I can't blame any more. I can't be angry. He did the best he could and how long do I punish him for being less than chipper? I'm lucky he wasn't in a catatonic depression. I'm opening my heart. I'm letting go of my bitterness and stubborness. My acting like him to punish him isn't going to get us anywhere but where we've been. His one action may seem like a little thing to an outsider but for me it was all I needed to begin my investment anew. It's time to turn our faces to the sun and let it's warmth and light back into our home.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Avert Your Eyes
Yes, I will be bragging about my children. I hate to brag but honestly, they make me so proud and I can't just walk up to people and start telling them how fabulous my kids are so you all get to suffer. At least you can look away.
Report cards came Friday. My son is a junior and taking all honors classes. He even took a college course last semester. I keep waiting for that semester that is going to throw him off, the one that is going to challenge him so much that his GPA has to drop. He had Physics, Pre-Calc, World History, and Spanish (this was the college course). He ended the semester with a 97.25 GPA. He astounds me.
His time management is so on point. I have never, in his entire school career, had to ask him about homework. He has NEVER forgotten an assignment, ever. I know that if he has a job to do, it's as good as done. What makes me more proud are the comments he receives. It's almost like his teachers are thankful he does his work so easily.
I remember in sixth grade, I had a parent/teacher conference. His teacher didn't know why I was there (in his old school you always had a conference, whether they were doing well or poorly). She told me he was so smart, like "nerdy" smart. Then she said he was athletic and popular at the same time. She told me how unusual it was to find a child that had all of that going on. She then told me the thing that made him most special to her.
A new boy had come to school. She said there was something obviously "wrong" with him. It was nothing overt but he was just off. She was trying to find someone to partner up with him to show him the ropes. She said not one child stepped forward except my son. She said he didn't hesitate. He was patient and kind and really helped this kid fit in. The boy ended up in a special needs class but she was so proud of my son for being so selfless. To say I was as well is a huge understatement.
Then there is my daughter. I swear when I look at her there is a light in her that instantly brightens my day. She also had a couple of honors classes and ended up with a respectable 91.75 GPA. That is doubly great as she had Global and Earth Science, neither one of which she loves. She struggles with them because they require her to actually memorize. A task far too mundane for her.
I believe she is actually a genius. The fact that she can maintain good grades, dance for hours a day, almost seven days a week PLUS know every single thing going on in three high schools amazes me. If you need to know, she is your go-to girl. She also has amazing time management. She has her day mapped out to the minute and never lets a responsibilty slide.
She loves being busy. She likes to constantly be stimulated. If she has a minute free, you can bet she will be finding something to do with it. On top of this, she has the most compassionate heart of any person I have ever met. She has an empathy that is innate. She senses sadness or confusion in a person and reaches out. Noone has to tell her to do this, it just is.
We are so blessed. I thank my children every day for just being them. I tell them every little thing I appreciate about them. They are 17 and 16. They are with their family, no questions asked, whenever we tell them. They do not go out and party on the weekends. They are always home by curfew and hang out with us on Fridays and Saturdays. I remind my husband every day what other kids their ages are doing and tell him how very lucky we are. I know every day my situation could change.
They could become different kids overnight, after all they are teens. You can bet I will absorb every minute of this while it lasts and make sure I tell them how special I think they are every day I have it.
Report cards came Friday. My son is a junior and taking all honors classes. He even took a college course last semester. I keep waiting for that semester that is going to throw him off, the one that is going to challenge him so much that his GPA has to drop. He had Physics, Pre-Calc, World History, and Spanish (this was the college course). He ended the semester with a 97.25 GPA. He astounds me.
His time management is so on point. I have never, in his entire school career, had to ask him about homework. He has NEVER forgotten an assignment, ever. I know that if he has a job to do, it's as good as done. What makes me more proud are the comments he receives. It's almost like his teachers are thankful he does his work so easily.
I remember in sixth grade, I had a parent/teacher conference. His teacher didn't know why I was there (in his old school you always had a conference, whether they were doing well or poorly). She told me he was so smart, like "nerdy" smart. Then she said he was athletic and popular at the same time. She told me how unusual it was to find a child that had all of that going on. She then told me the thing that made him most special to her.
A new boy had come to school. She said there was something obviously "wrong" with him. It was nothing overt but he was just off. She was trying to find someone to partner up with him to show him the ropes. She said not one child stepped forward except my son. She said he didn't hesitate. He was patient and kind and really helped this kid fit in. The boy ended up in a special needs class but she was so proud of my son for being so selfless. To say I was as well is a huge understatement.
Then there is my daughter. I swear when I look at her there is a light in her that instantly brightens my day. She also had a couple of honors classes and ended up with a respectable 91.75 GPA. That is doubly great as she had Global and Earth Science, neither one of which she loves. She struggles with them because they require her to actually memorize. A task far too mundane for her.
I believe she is actually a genius. The fact that she can maintain good grades, dance for hours a day, almost seven days a week PLUS know every single thing going on in three high schools amazes me. If you need to know, she is your go-to girl. She also has amazing time management. She has her day mapped out to the minute and never lets a responsibilty slide.
She loves being busy. She likes to constantly be stimulated. If she has a minute free, you can bet she will be finding something to do with it. On top of this, she has the most compassionate heart of any person I have ever met. She has an empathy that is innate. She senses sadness or confusion in a person and reaches out. Noone has to tell her to do this, it just is.
We are so blessed. I thank my children every day for just being them. I tell them every little thing I appreciate about them. They are 17 and 16. They are with their family, no questions asked, whenever we tell them. They do not go out and party on the weekends. They are always home by curfew and hang out with us on Fridays and Saturdays. I remind my husband every day what other kids their ages are doing and tell him how very lucky we are. I know every day my situation could change.
They could become different kids overnight, after all they are teens. You can bet I will absorb every minute of this while it lasts and make sure I tell them how special I think they are every day I have it.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Hide And Seek
After my disinfecting spree yesterday I ended up back in bed. I knew I would while I was doing it but it had to be done so it was worth it. The saddest part, I liked being in bed while everyone else was going about their day. I realized I loved not having to be engaged.
I put on the tv for two days and just watched whatever I wanted for two straight days. I didn't have to watch the same stupid tv shows that we watch every night. I got to choose my very own stupid shows to stare at. I didn't have to sit through the painful event we call dinner. Dinner used to be my very favorite part of the day. We would all sit down and converse. Really talk, about things that mattered.
Now either my kids bicker which ruins it for me or my husband starts with one of the kids or stares so intently at someone eating that I want to claw his eyes out. This is another new thing for him. He clocks what everyone eats. He can absolutely tell you if you had seven fries or ten and he stares so intently at us that it makes us all uncomfortable. Meanwhile, his appetite has diminished to borderline anorexia. I've never seen a grown man eat so little. He likes his wine and chips later though. I have no motivation to cook at all because he gets so little pleasure out of eating.
Of course he has always been picky. I cannot make anything resembling a casserole, nothing with cheese (any kind), nothing with cream sauces, nothing with pieces of meat (stews, etc.), nothing with gravy, we can't have beef more than once a month or so, if we have chicken he doesn't want it for at least another week, the list goes on and on. I LOVE to cook. I love to cook everything and it really puts a damper on things when my choices are so limited. It's actually annoying.
I like the fact that I've been so nauseous I haven't been able to eat. I haven't even been able to sit up for more than a few minutes so I can't even join them for the company. Last night as I was laying in bed, not missing dinner at all, I thought this could work for me until I get things straight to go to Florida.
I will prepare dinner and have one of the kids put it in the oven or I'll just have it done and head to bed. I've been wanting to drop a few pounds so this will serve double duty. I get to miss dinner, skip the drama and hopefully lose some weight.
Is this yet one more coping mechanism in a long list of them? Yes. Is this escaping so I don't have to deal with my life? Absolutely. But you know what? I don't feel angry or sad. I don't feel much of anything. I guess you could say I feel peaceful. I don't have some insane rage simmering just below the surface. I don't have to worry what kind of raging lunatic I'm going to act like. I don't have to analyze and regret my behavior for that day. Most importantly, I don't have to waste more time trying to fix something alone. I don't have to feel frustrated that my husband's behavior seems to be deteriorating as opposed to improving despite the fact he says he wants our marriage to work. I don't have to listen to any empty words.
I put on the tv for two days and just watched whatever I wanted for two straight days. I didn't have to watch the same stupid tv shows that we watch every night. I got to choose my very own stupid shows to stare at. I didn't have to sit through the painful event we call dinner. Dinner used to be my very favorite part of the day. We would all sit down and converse. Really talk, about things that mattered.
Now either my kids bicker which ruins it for me or my husband starts with one of the kids or stares so intently at someone eating that I want to claw his eyes out. This is another new thing for him. He clocks what everyone eats. He can absolutely tell you if you had seven fries or ten and he stares so intently at us that it makes us all uncomfortable. Meanwhile, his appetite has diminished to borderline anorexia. I've never seen a grown man eat so little. He likes his wine and chips later though. I have no motivation to cook at all because he gets so little pleasure out of eating.
Of course he has always been picky. I cannot make anything resembling a casserole, nothing with cheese (any kind), nothing with cream sauces, nothing with pieces of meat (stews, etc.), nothing with gravy, we can't have beef more than once a month or so, if we have chicken he doesn't want it for at least another week, the list goes on and on. I LOVE to cook. I love to cook everything and it really puts a damper on things when my choices are so limited. It's actually annoying.
I like the fact that I've been so nauseous I haven't been able to eat. I haven't even been able to sit up for more than a few minutes so I can't even join them for the company. Last night as I was laying in bed, not missing dinner at all, I thought this could work for me until I get things straight to go to Florida.
I will prepare dinner and have one of the kids put it in the oven or I'll just have it done and head to bed. I've been wanting to drop a few pounds so this will serve double duty. I get to miss dinner, skip the drama and hopefully lose some weight.
Is this yet one more coping mechanism in a long list of them? Yes. Is this escaping so I don't have to deal with my life? Absolutely. But you know what? I don't feel angry or sad. I don't feel much of anything. I guess you could say I feel peaceful. I don't have some insane rage simmering just below the surface. I don't have to worry what kind of raging lunatic I'm going to act like. I don't have to analyze and regret my behavior for that day. Most importantly, I don't have to waste more time trying to fix something alone. I don't have to feel frustrated that my husband's behavior seems to be deteriorating as opposed to improving despite the fact he says he wants our marriage to work. I don't have to listen to any empty words.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Is This Love?
I still have the flu. Granted, I am better than yesterday and yesterday I was better than Saturday but it lingers on. Yesterday I spent the entire day in bed, dozing and tv surfing. I literally only surfaced when my daughter was at dance to make myself some Theraflu and a cup of soup.
This morning was business as usual. I got the kids up and around for school and looked around the house. Nothing was done. My husband had off yesterday, unexpectedly, and when he got home Saturday and found me sleeping on the bathroom floor he was happy at the prospect. He told me it was a good thing he would be home so he could take care of me.
I woke up yesterday morning around 7 a.m. I made myself some Theraflu and downed that. Next order of business was a shower. I was so sick on Saturday I couldn't even manage to grab a five minute one and I hate being sick and unshowered. It always makes me feel more ill. I was so exhausted after those two things I was right back into bed.
I think around 11 a.m. my husband called upstairs and asked me if I wanted some Theraflu. I told him I'd already had some. Around 3 p.m. he came into the bedroom and set his alarm for the morning and didn't say one word. Around 5 p.m. he came into the room and asked if I wanted him to make me anything to eat. I declined and he left. Granted, we had a major fight the night before before I went upstairs. It was ugly and I don't blame him for tip toeing around me. However, how do these things get resolved? Do we forget it happened? Do I just start talking normally and we just carry on? Another major problem left unresolved to surface at a later date. More resentment left to fester and grow.
This is us. This is our pattern. I always try to resolve every issue we have. I calmly say we need to talk about what happened. I start to talk about the problem and he sits silently. When I ask him how he feels or what he thinks, I get nothing. He claims it is because I will "yell" at him. I assure you, yelling never takes place at these conversations. Disagreeing, yes. Yelling, no. He says that no matter what he says it will be "wrong." My husband has a terrible habit of adopting my opinions as his own.
Since we have been together he has increasingly done this. He will say things that I think are off the wall and when I question him, he says he's just saying what I would. What? Usually he's way off base and why wouldn't he just say what he thinks. I never change my opinion to please him. He has told me so many times that I "saved him." He thinks he would have ended up a loser with nothing if he hadn't met me. I disagree. I think he had so many gifts and he just needed someone to tap into them and let him realize his worth. We were so young when we met. Of course he didn't have anyone do that before me. He hadn't had a serious girlfriend before me.
It amazes me that for all of his wanting to think like me and be like me that yesterday he spent out of the house (I have no idea where he was, he never even told me he was leaving) and watching tv. He knows I am a germ freak when anyone is sick. My house gets disinfected top to bottom when anyone has a sniffle. Granted, he couldn't do much in my room as I was in the bed but there was a whole house he could have dealt with.
This morning I brought up the clean laundry that was still downstairs from Friday and emptied the hamper that was literally overflowing and got that laundry started. I stripped all of the beds and Lysoled all of the rooms. The sheets are in the wash as we speak. I will probably get to cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming the furniture and Lysoling all of that but I'm afraid that is as far as I will get. I feel my energy ebbing even now. I am so dizzy that I am literally doing all of this like a drunken sailor. I'm taking the basement steps at a snail's pace as I'm terrified I'm going to just fly down them. I literally feel myself sort of floating as I go up and down. The nausea is also returning with a vengeance.
Is this love? He's lived with me for over 20 years and he knew this would be weighing on me. If he really loved me, wouldn't he have done some of this yesterday? Wouldn't he at least have brought the laundry up and down the stairs so I would be spared that? Wouldn't he have swallowed his pride and tried to take care of me? Granted, I am more stubborn now than I have ever been but I always give in. He only has to give and inch and I'm always willing to run the rest of the mile. After 22 years together would I even need to ask these questions if he still loved me?
This morning was business as usual. I got the kids up and around for school and looked around the house. Nothing was done. My husband had off yesterday, unexpectedly, and when he got home Saturday and found me sleeping on the bathroom floor he was happy at the prospect. He told me it was a good thing he would be home so he could take care of me.
I woke up yesterday morning around 7 a.m. I made myself some Theraflu and downed that. Next order of business was a shower. I was so sick on Saturday I couldn't even manage to grab a five minute one and I hate being sick and unshowered. It always makes me feel more ill. I was so exhausted after those two things I was right back into bed.
I think around 11 a.m. my husband called upstairs and asked me if I wanted some Theraflu. I told him I'd already had some. Around 3 p.m. he came into the bedroom and set his alarm for the morning and didn't say one word. Around 5 p.m. he came into the room and asked if I wanted him to make me anything to eat. I declined and he left. Granted, we had a major fight the night before before I went upstairs. It was ugly and I don't blame him for tip toeing around me. However, how do these things get resolved? Do we forget it happened? Do I just start talking normally and we just carry on? Another major problem left unresolved to surface at a later date. More resentment left to fester and grow.
This is us. This is our pattern. I always try to resolve every issue we have. I calmly say we need to talk about what happened. I start to talk about the problem and he sits silently. When I ask him how he feels or what he thinks, I get nothing. He claims it is because I will "yell" at him. I assure you, yelling never takes place at these conversations. Disagreeing, yes. Yelling, no. He says that no matter what he says it will be "wrong." My husband has a terrible habit of adopting my opinions as his own.
Since we have been together he has increasingly done this. He will say things that I think are off the wall and when I question him, he says he's just saying what I would. What? Usually he's way off base and why wouldn't he just say what he thinks. I never change my opinion to please him. He has told me so many times that I "saved him." He thinks he would have ended up a loser with nothing if he hadn't met me. I disagree. I think he had so many gifts and he just needed someone to tap into them and let him realize his worth. We were so young when we met. Of course he didn't have anyone do that before me. He hadn't had a serious girlfriend before me.
It amazes me that for all of his wanting to think like me and be like me that yesterday he spent out of the house (I have no idea where he was, he never even told me he was leaving) and watching tv. He knows I am a germ freak when anyone is sick. My house gets disinfected top to bottom when anyone has a sniffle. Granted, he couldn't do much in my room as I was in the bed but there was a whole house he could have dealt with.
This morning I brought up the clean laundry that was still downstairs from Friday and emptied the hamper that was literally overflowing and got that laundry started. I stripped all of the beds and Lysoled all of the rooms. The sheets are in the wash as we speak. I will probably get to cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming the furniture and Lysoling all of that but I'm afraid that is as far as I will get. I feel my energy ebbing even now. I am so dizzy that I am literally doing all of this like a drunken sailor. I'm taking the basement steps at a snail's pace as I'm terrified I'm going to just fly down them. I literally feel myself sort of floating as I go up and down. The nausea is also returning with a vengeance.
Is this love? He's lived with me for over 20 years and he knew this would be weighing on me. If he really loved me, wouldn't he have done some of this yesterday? Wouldn't he at least have brought the laundry up and down the stairs so I would be spared that? Wouldn't he have swallowed his pride and tried to take care of me? Granted, I am more stubborn now than I have ever been but I always give in. He only has to give and inch and I'm always willing to run the rest of the mile. After 22 years together would I even need to ask these questions if he still loved me?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
It's Not Working
I want to go to Florida. Last night I made up my mind that I want to go to Florida to be with my mom and help her out. Here is the caveat, I don't want to book my return flight.
I need a break. I need to get out of a house that is all negativity, all day. Yesterday I had the flu. I'm talking sleeping on the bathroom floor flu. If I even swallowed, I vomitted. My husband, luckily, got out of work at 3 p.m. I had my daughter making an easy dinner because he was going to work until 6 p.m. originally and I didn't want everyone to wait until midnight to eat. There was ZERO possibility I could cook even the simplest thing.
I was on the couch and I heard the three of them sit down to dinner. Of course it was a fun meal. There were frozen onion rings and tater tots involved. If my 16 year old was cooking it couldn't be too complex. I heard my son and daughter start bickering over something. Then my husband intervened. He told my daughter she couldn't have any more tater tots. He then said, "Isn't that enough food anyway? You had a big manwich and your brother only had a grilled cheese." I HATE (did I mention, HATE) when he criticizes her for eating too much. I have told him this no less than 1,000 times.
I do cut my daughter off. She has no limit. She is very active and dances a lot and burns calories like a machine. I try to explain to her that she needs to understand portions because she is not always going to be this active. I am her mom. We have a totally different relationship. She knows I'm not criticizing her. We can say anything to eachother. When he says the exact same things to her, she gets defensive and hurt. A father is always supposed to look at his daughter and see nothing but perfection. I know that's how I felt with my dad. He wouldn't have noticed if I was 300 lbs. I have explained this to him, over and over and over.
My daughter ended up asking if she could finish her meal in her room. As I was walking into the kitchen I heard him starting with my son. Now this was all his fault. He was swearing and complaining and criticizing him. I lost it. He is so negative and miserable. I am really convinced that until I am away from him, far away, I will never be happy again. I was so sick I couldn't even walk or sit up but I could scream my head off at that moment. I felt nothing but hatred for him.
I think this is him. I want so badly for my marriage to work and I keep deluding myself into thinking my old guy is in there somewhere. If I get really honest, blinders off honest, I think this new version is it. He just doesn't get it. He becomes stuck in a behavior. This is the way we've been so this is how we will be. The only people who can change the tone of this family are us. We need to lead by example. We need to bring back the positivity that used to define us as a family. We need to handle our emotions in a mature, calm way as opposed to snapping and criticizing.
I'm ready to move on. The logistics are in place and mentally I am ready to proceed into the future I desire. I just don't think he can change. He is an unhappy man. He is a mean man. He is a man who believes he is a victim. I am a witch and he is reacting. Well, I will take ownership of that in the past. I was frustrated and angry. I criticized him at every turn. He was ruining our family with his stubborness refusing to seek help. Yes, I was less than stellar in my behavior. I own it and now am ready to change it. We've talked about this. I've expained my desire to put that behind us and move forward in a positive momentum. He agrees and then acts exactly the same.
I know my daughter will be upset if I go to Florida. I need to do something though. I feel trapped. I feel like I have no choices. I was back on the couch and he just kept talking. I told him to shut up. My head was pounding with the sound of his voice (not to mention the flu). He wouldn't stop. He just kept talking. I finally grabbed my slipper and threw it at him. Now I'm acting more insane than he is. This is our life. This is our relationship.
I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to hide in my bedroom because I cannot be on the same floor as my husband. That's when I thought a change of scenery may be just what I need. I need to remove myself from the dysfunction so I can make a decision. I think as long as I'm here I will be determined to make this work. I need some space to look at this objectively and make some plans. I need to figure out just how much more I'm willing to invest in a situation that has no hope.
I need a break. I need to get out of a house that is all negativity, all day. Yesterday I had the flu. I'm talking sleeping on the bathroom floor flu. If I even swallowed, I vomitted. My husband, luckily, got out of work at 3 p.m. I had my daughter making an easy dinner because he was going to work until 6 p.m. originally and I didn't want everyone to wait until midnight to eat. There was ZERO possibility I could cook even the simplest thing.
I was on the couch and I heard the three of them sit down to dinner. Of course it was a fun meal. There were frozen onion rings and tater tots involved. If my 16 year old was cooking it couldn't be too complex. I heard my son and daughter start bickering over something. Then my husband intervened. He told my daughter she couldn't have any more tater tots. He then said, "Isn't that enough food anyway? You had a big manwich and your brother only had a grilled cheese." I HATE (did I mention, HATE) when he criticizes her for eating too much. I have told him this no less than 1,000 times.
I do cut my daughter off. She has no limit. She is very active and dances a lot and burns calories like a machine. I try to explain to her that she needs to understand portions because she is not always going to be this active. I am her mom. We have a totally different relationship. She knows I'm not criticizing her. We can say anything to eachother. When he says the exact same things to her, she gets defensive and hurt. A father is always supposed to look at his daughter and see nothing but perfection. I know that's how I felt with my dad. He wouldn't have noticed if I was 300 lbs. I have explained this to him, over and over and over.
My daughter ended up asking if she could finish her meal in her room. As I was walking into the kitchen I heard him starting with my son. Now this was all his fault. He was swearing and complaining and criticizing him. I lost it. He is so negative and miserable. I am really convinced that until I am away from him, far away, I will never be happy again. I was so sick I couldn't even walk or sit up but I could scream my head off at that moment. I felt nothing but hatred for him.
I think this is him. I want so badly for my marriage to work and I keep deluding myself into thinking my old guy is in there somewhere. If I get really honest, blinders off honest, I think this new version is it. He just doesn't get it. He becomes stuck in a behavior. This is the way we've been so this is how we will be. The only people who can change the tone of this family are us. We need to lead by example. We need to bring back the positivity that used to define us as a family. We need to handle our emotions in a mature, calm way as opposed to snapping and criticizing.
I'm ready to move on. The logistics are in place and mentally I am ready to proceed into the future I desire. I just don't think he can change. He is an unhappy man. He is a mean man. He is a man who believes he is a victim. I am a witch and he is reacting. Well, I will take ownership of that in the past. I was frustrated and angry. I criticized him at every turn. He was ruining our family with his stubborness refusing to seek help. Yes, I was less than stellar in my behavior. I own it and now am ready to change it. We've talked about this. I've expained my desire to put that behind us and move forward in a positive momentum. He agrees and then acts exactly the same.
I know my daughter will be upset if I go to Florida. I need to do something though. I feel trapped. I feel like I have no choices. I was back on the couch and he just kept talking. I told him to shut up. My head was pounding with the sound of his voice (not to mention the flu). He wouldn't stop. He just kept talking. I finally grabbed my slipper and threw it at him. Now I'm acting more insane than he is. This is our life. This is our relationship.
I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to hide in my bedroom because I cannot be on the same floor as my husband. That's when I thought a change of scenery may be just what I need. I need to remove myself from the dysfunction so I can make a decision. I think as long as I'm here I will be determined to make this work. I need some space to look at this objectively and make some plans. I need to figure out just how much more I'm willing to invest in a situation that has no hope.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Cue The Reality
I told my husband that once we got the home equity loan and paid off our bills that I would be taking over our finances. He was completely agreeable. I actually sensed he was relieved. I'm home all day any way so really it isn't a big deal for me to take part of my day to write checks. I welcome another chore.
Last night my daughter called from dance and told me she needed some new ghillies (she is an Irish dancer and these are the soft shoes). The last few times she has danced they have flown off of her feet because they are so small. I told her to go ahead and order them. We stayed on the phone and discussed a few more things she needed and she put in the order for those.
As soon as I hung up, my husband asked what the call was about. I filled him in and right away he started asking, "How much are they? How much is that?" I told him not to worry about it. I would be handling the bills and it would be fine. Let's just say, he wasn't really on board any more.
I asked him what he thought it meant when I told him this was how it was going to be. He said he was NOT going to NOT be involved at all. I told him that he was not going to micromanage me. I never got involved when he was handling our finances and I expected the same respect from him. Then he told me I SHOULD have been involved.
At this point I told him THAT was completely evident. I told him I was foolish and naive. I lived in fantasy land. He has had exactly four jobs since we have gotten married; go to work, pay the bills, mow the lawn and take out the garbage. I ignorantly assumed that he was taking care of business. It never occurred to me to ask questions. He didn't ask me how I was raising the children nor taking care of our home. I knew money was always tight but I assumed it was because we were a one income family. I expected sacrifices. I saw us use credit cards but assumed they were being dealt with in a responsible way.
Then I was angry. I explained that he had forfeited the role of financier in our house. Just like any other job, when you don't perform it satisfactorily, you are fired. Essentially, he was fired. I was never going to be ignorant to my circumstances again. I was never going to be a victim to anything, ever again. When he spent my childrens' bank accounts and then tried to lie and say they never had them, he lost my respect and my trust. I don't think he will ever completely earn back the latter.
Every day I find another reason to be grateful for my mistakes. I refuse to wallow in self-pity or regret. I've messed up, alot, how do I take something positive from that? I'm thankful this has happened to my family. I think I lived a charmed life for too long. Yes, we had hard times but this has been a true test of my character.
I am slowly finding out what I'm made of. I'm learning I am still that independent girl who graduated college eager to take on the world. The girl who never dreamed of a man in her life, just a giant walk-in closet. I've given up every iota of myself in the name of my family. In some strange way, it brings me great comfort to know Kiraly, just plain old Kiraly, still beats within.
Last night my daughter called from dance and told me she needed some new ghillies (she is an Irish dancer and these are the soft shoes). The last few times she has danced they have flown off of her feet because they are so small. I told her to go ahead and order them. We stayed on the phone and discussed a few more things she needed and she put in the order for those.
As soon as I hung up, my husband asked what the call was about. I filled him in and right away he started asking, "How much are they? How much is that?" I told him not to worry about it. I would be handling the bills and it would be fine. Let's just say, he wasn't really on board any more.
I asked him what he thought it meant when I told him this was how it was going to be. He said he was NOT going to NOT be involved at all. I told him that he was not going to micromanage me. I never got involved when he was handling our finances and I expected the same respect from him. Then he told me I SHOULD have been involved.
At this point I told him THAT was completely evident. I told him I was foolish and naive. I lived in fantasy land. He has had exactly four jobs since we have gotten married; go to work, pay the bills, mow the lawn and take out the garbage. I ignorantly assumed that he was taking care of business. It never occurred to me to ask questions. He didn't ask me how I was raising the children nor taking care of our home. I knew money was always tight but I assumed it was because we were a one income family. I expected sacrifices. I saw us use credit cards but assumed they were being dealt with in a responsible way.
Then I was angry. I explained that he had forfeited the role of financier in our house. Just like any other job, when you don't perform it satisfactorily, you are fired. Essentially, he was fired. I was never going to be ignorant to my circumstances again. I was never going to be a victim to anything, ever again. When he spent my childrens' bank accounts and then tried to lie and say they never had them, he lost my respect and my trust. I don't think he will ever completely earn back the latter.
Every day I find another reason to be grateful for my mistakes. I refuse to wallow in self-pity or regret. I've messed up, alot, how do I take something positive from that? I'm thankful this has happened to my family. I think I lived a charmed life for too long. Yes, we had hard times but this has been a true test of my character.
I am slowly finding out what I'm made of. I'm learning I am still that independent girl who graduated college eager to take on the world. The girl who never dreamed of a man in her life, just a giant walk-in closet. I've given up every iota of myself in the name of my family. In some strange way, it brings me great comfort to know Kiraly, just plain old Kiraly, still beats within.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
How Do You Spell Relief?
I finally told my mom I wasn't coming to Florida right now. I knew she would understand and I was right. I know she is lonely and wanted company but without divulging too much, I kind of explained my situation of late.
I told her that we took out a home equity loan and that our finances are a wreck. I told her about all of the changes that we have implemented in the last two months. Years worth of things that should have been taken care of have been handled in six weeks time. It is overwhelming.
I also told her that if things didn't change with my husband, I was considering a separation. I think this was the hardest tidbit for her to digest. She loves my husband. I actually used to think if we got divorced she would choose his side over mine. That's how deep the fondness runs. My husband is very kind. Whenever we would visit my mom he would ask what she needed done. He knew without my dad, there were little things that needed attention so right away he would take care of them for her. This is just his way. Noone has to prompt him to do these things. He is one of the most thoughtful people I've met.
I told her he has been changing for a while. I assured her it was only around us that the "new" guy was emerging but I don't think she wanted to hear it. She kept making excuses. She said, "well, how mean can he be? It's not like he would yell or swear or anything." I told her about the night we attended a wedding and he was nutso. He was acting like a tyrant and demanded that I leave. I told him go ahead home and I would catch a ride with his cousin. That was not flying. After a silent ride home with his parents, we got into it once we were home. My daughter was on the couch. We were bickering back and forth and then he said, "F*#k you, Kiraly!" Shock does not come close to my reaction. We do not speak like that in front of our children. Only recently have we started saying "little" swear words in their presence and we certainly never speak TO one another using them.
I told him that was very unfortunate. Now I had a difficult decision to make. If I stayed my daughter just got the message that in anger her future beaus could speak thusly to her. That was NOT a message I wanted to give her. So now what? The next morning he had no recollection of the event. Turns out Scotch is not his friend. We are not really hard liquor drinkers so he got a play. It was the ONE and ONLY pass. It would not happen again, drunk or not. My mom was shocked to hear that even transpired.
She understood that now is just not the time for me to leave. I have so much work to do. Every day is work. So many things to be resolved. I am constantly alert and processing. I do not spend a moment of idleness in my mind. I just cannot take on one more problem, mine or anyone else's, until some of this is resolved. She understood and I just breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Sometimes I spend so much mental energy anticipating how things are going to turn out. I fret and worry and think. Nine times out of ten, they are so anti-climatic The drama I create in my mind is a million times bigger than the actual outcome. I am learning just to get things over with, not to think on them so long. Sooner or later things have to be dealt with anyway. I think I'm going to choose sooner from now on.
I told her that we took out a home equity loan and that our finances are a wreck. I told her about all of the changes that we have implemented in the last two months. Years worth of things that should have been taken care of have been handled in six weeks time. It is overwhelming.
I also told her that if things didn't change with my husband, I was considering a separation. I think this was the hardest tidbit for her to digest. She loves my husband. I actually used to think if we got divorced she would choose his side over mine. That's how deep the fondness runs. My husband is very kind. Whenever we would visit my mom he would ask what she needed done. He knew without my dad, there were little things that needed attention so right away he would take care of them for her. This is just his way. Noone has to prompt him to do these things. He is one of the most thoughtful people I've met.
I told her he has been changing for a while. I assured her it was only around us that the "new" guy was emerging but I don't think she wanted to hear it. She kept making excuses. She said, "well, how mean can he be? It's not like he would yell or swear or anything." I told her about the night we attended a wedding and he was nutso. He was acting like a tyrant and demanded that I leave. I told him go ahead home and I would catch a ride with his cousin. That was not flying. After a silent ride home with his parents, we got into it once we were home. My daughter was on the couch. We were bickering back and forth and then he said, "F*#k you, Kiraly!" Shock does not come close to my reaction. We do not speak like that in front of our children. Only recently have we started saying "little" swear words in their presence and we certainly never speak TO one another using them.
I told him that was very unfortunate. Now I had a difficult decision to make. If I stayed my daughter just got the message that in anger her future beaus could speak thusly to her. That was NOT a message I wanted to give her. So now what? The next morning he had no recollection of the event. Turns out Scotch is not his friend. We are not really hard liquor drinkers so he got a play. It was the ONE and ONLY pass. It would not happen again, drunk or not. My mom was shocked to hear that even transpired.
She understood that now is just not the time for me to leave. I have so much work to do. Every day is work. So many things to be resolved. I am constantly alert and processing. I do not spend a moment of idleness in my mind. I just cannot take on one more problem, mine or anyone else's, until some of this is resolved. She understood and I just breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Sometimes I spend so much mental energy anticipating how things are going to turn out. I fret and worry and think. Nine times out of ten, they are so anti-climatic The drama I create in my mind is a million times bigger than the actual outcome. I am learning just to get things over with, not to think on them so long. Sooner or later things have to be dealt with anyway. I think I'm going to choose sooner from now on.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
A Positive Attitude Goes A Long Way
It's funny, since I have decided that I am going to really learn from my mistakes and not dwell on the fact that I've made them, I feel incredibly free. I have realized that all of these "mess ups" have redefined me. I am stronger than I thought I was. I am happier than I thought I was. I am wiser than I thought I was. If we hadn't gone through all of this drama I don't know when, if ever, I would have learned those things.
I know that my attitude has much less to do with what is going on around me than what I decide it's going to be. I made up my mind that I would not be pulled into my husband's frantic, negative moods and I have not. I made up my mind that I'm going to come up with an idea of what I wanted MY life to look like and move forward with it and I have. I am still 100% committed to making my marriage work but if it doesn't, that's ok. I'm not bogged down by the drama of my day to day living any more. I realize that if my life changes it is not the end of the world but rather the beginning of a new exciting one.
For so long now I have forgotten the power of our minds. If you wake up and expect to have a miserable day, I guarantee you will. On the contrary, if you decide your day is going to be great, it will. No matter what is thrown your way, you are going to look at it with a positive attitude and therefore jump over the hurdle rather than stay stuck behind it all day. WE decide what our lives are going to look like and then paint the picture.
Life is hard. Life has no guarantees. Marriage, raising a family, being single, unemployment, managing a fortune, they all come with challenges. Do you give up? Do you curl into the fetal position and whine until the universe solves your issues? Or do you see the problem for what it is, develop a plan of action and attack it?
I have made up my mind that from now on I will take the latter approach. I have spent years waiting. Waiting for my problems to solve themselves. Waiting for happiness to deliver itself to my front door on gilded wings. Waiting for the man I married to reemerge. Waiting to become the carefree girl he married. My wait is over. I will have exactly what I want from life and things I can't begin to dream of. How long will you wait for the life you want?
I know that my attitude has much less to do with what is going on around me than what I decide it's going to be. I made up my mind that I would not be pulled into my husband's frantic, negative moods and I have not. I made up my mind that I'm going to come up with an idea of what I wanted MY life to look like and move forward with it and I have. I am still 100% committed to making my marriage work but if it doesn't, that's ok. I'm not bogged down by the drama of my day to day living any more. I realize that if my life changes it is not the end of the world but rather the beginning of a new exciting one.
For so long now I have forgotten the power of our minds. If you wake up and expect to have a miserable day, I guarantee you will. On the contrary, if you decide your day is going to be great, it will. No matter what is thrown your way, you are going to look at it with a positive attitude and therefore jump over the hurdle rather than stay stuck behind it all day. WE decide what our lives are going to look like and then paint the picture.
Life is hard. Life has no guarantees. Marriage, raising a family, being single, unemployment, managing a fortune, they all come with challenges. Do you give up? Do you curl into the fetal position and whine until the universe solves your issues? Or do you see the problem for what it is, develop a plan of action and attack it?
I have made up my mind that from now on I will take the latter approach. I have spent years waiting. Waiting for my problems to solve themselves. Waiting for happiness to deliver itself to my front door on gilded wings. Waiting for the man I married to reemerge. Waiting to become the carefree girl he married. My wait is over. I will have exactly what I want from life and things I can't begin to dream of. How long will you wait for the life you want?
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
It's The Day
Today is the closing. It cannot come fast enough. I have not had cash in my pocket since the beginning of December. My husband has gotten the groceries, the kids have used their own money for everything and I have not had a dollar on me. I'm am utterly and completely over it.
Today my husband's stress can no longer be my excuse for accepting his bad behavior. Today I stop feeling guilty for finding fault with him. Today I stop thinking it's me being too demanding or unpleasable. I am sick of blaming myself and thinking it is something I'm doing.
We have an "episode" and I analyze it. I wonder if I was too quick to respond, if I'm too needy or too sensitive. I am what I am. Just like my husband is what he is. I don't see him wondering if he did something wrong. I see him blaming me for every problem we have and acting like the victim. I cannot tell you the number of times he has said he cannot communicate because I get angry. Well, that is called conversation. I don't get angry. I counter him, big difference. I do NOT agree with everything that comes out of his mouth any more. That is the problem.
The excuses are invalid after today. I am not going to apologize for wanting more. My husband is an amazing man. He is compassionate and funny and loves with all his heart. I'm sure if I were a different kind of woman we would not have one issue at this point. I told him years ago I always wanted an "active" love. I never wanted to take eachother for granted. I wanted to be passionate and physical and "in love" as opposed to just "loving" eachother. He knew those were my expectations when we were 22. Nothing has changed.
Every day is a step forward. Every day my future looms brightly before me. I'm not afraid any more. I'm excited. I've never been afraid to be alone. That was never the issue. I was afraid to tear apart my family but somewhere in the drama, I've lost that fear. I'm confident I can be a great mom in this house or in a tiny dumpy apartment (or a cardboard box, which is more likely where I will end up!) but I know fear is not going to be my excuse. My life IS going to be exactly what I make it. Starting today.
Today my husband's stress can no longer be my excuse for accepting his bad behavior. Today I stop feeling guilty for finding fault with him. Today I stop thinking it's me being too demanding or unpleasable. I am sick of blaming myself and thinking it is something I'm doing.
We have an "episode" and I analyze it. I wonder if I was too quick to respond, if I'm too needy or too sensitive. I am what I am. Just like my husband is what he is. I don't see him wondering if he did something wrong. I see him blaming me for every problem we have and acting like the victim. I cannot tell you the number of times he has said he cannot communicate because I get angry. Well, that is called conversation. I don't get angry. I counter him, big difference. I do NOT agree with everything that comes out of his mouth any more. That is the problem.
The excuses are invalid after today. I am not going to apologize for wanting more. My husband is an amazing man. He is compassionate and funny and loves with all his heart. I'm sure if I were a different kind of woman we would not have one issue at this point. I told him years ago I always wanted an "active" love. I never wanted to take eachother for granted. I wanted to be passionate and physical and "in love" as opposed to just "loving" eachother. He knew those were my expectations when we were 22. Nothing has changed.
Every day is a step forward. Every day my future looms brightly before me. I'm not afraid any more. I'm excited. I've never been afraid to be alone. That was never the issue. I was afraid to tear apart my family but somewhere in the drama, I've lost that fear. I'm confident I can be a great mom in this house or in a tiny dumpy apartment (or a cardboard box, which is more likely where I will end up!) but I know fear is not going to be my excuse. My life IS going to be exactly what I make it. Starting today.
Monday, February 6, 2012
You Win A Few, You Lose A Few
Saturday night we attended a fundraising event and it just so happened there were two women there who I used to be very good friends with. Of course I've seen them before and maybe it's all of this work I'm doing on myself or maybe just seeing them both in the same place but I really, for the first time, thought about those relationships.
One was an acquaintance from college. Naturally when I moved here after college I really didn't know anybody who actually lived in town. All of my friends were fellow students at the local college and moved back home after graduation. This girl was from town and attended college locally. She was a few years younger than me but when she sought out a friendship I was eager to accept.
She and her husband became "that" couple. The one that you do everything with. The family that is your second family. We were always together and we always had a great time. It was a very relaxed relationship. It's rare to find another couple who parents similarly. I've really liked alot of other couples but their kids were the deal breaker. They were crazy and the parents too lax in addressing it. Misbehaved kids are not my idea of a fun night.
Eventually they divorced. That was the end of our relationship. We tried to stay friends with both but the husband sought us out and would come over alot for support. She assumed we had "chosen" him and was hurt because she was our friend first. That was not the case but I didn't put forth much effort to convince her. She was changing. She is probably one of the most insecure people I've ever known and she counters that by being so over-the-top. She started speaking in this really haughty tone and sort of like a snake. You know, "sssssoooo, I've been sssssssuuuuper busssssy ssssssince I've ssssseeen you lasssst..." She actually started walking with her nose in the air, literally.
I think it was a defense mechanism. She assumed everyone around town was blaming her for the divorce so she was going to shun everyone before they could cut her. I get it, it happens alot with divorced couples. Bottom line, she had changed and not into someone I would choose to hang out with. I still love her for all of the good times we had. She is a really fun gal but not my cup of tea at the moment.
The other "friend" was someone I really had to work to like. Unlike my fun friend, she is NOT someone I would have ever chosen to befriend. The circumstances of our relationship were thus that for my childrens' sake I felt it would be easier to be friends than enemies. I had to open my mind, I mean Grand Canyon open, to make this happen. I had more arguments with my husband and his family to build a friendship with this woman. My logic eventually won out and we managed to build a really amicable relationship.
Once I got to know her, I genuinely liked her. She did not have the best upbringing and had made some poor decisions in her life but I saw someone working to better herself. She was back in school, even though being in school in my late 30's was the most reprehensible thing I could have imagined. She was working hard to polish herself up, trying to dull the harsh that a less than stellar childhood leaves. She was funny and interesting to talk to. She was energetic and open. She had a habit of lying but I think that is something that is hard to change when you've done it your whole life. Most of them were inconsequential, silly lies over silly things that were transparent but I was able to ignore that. I felt she really had more good going on than bad.
Everyone warned me. They told me she was manipulative, lying, cheating and that her "true" colors would shine through. I defended her. I said she was really a changed person. Eventually people put aside their judgements and began to look at her for who she was, not who she'd been. Even my husband admitted she had changed. That is HUGE. This was a woman whom he hated. It's the only person I have ever seen him really hate.
I was wrong. We had a disagreement over money left in a will. I saw then what everyone told me I would see. A greedy, grasping, selfish woman, not the person I thought I knew. She became so defensive. I'm still not sure why. She implied that I was criticizing her mothering. At NO point was that even an issue. Bottom line, my brother-in-law, from his own mouth, told me he did not trust her and did not want her involved in his son's money, ever. I basically had to say that. She was on her second boyfriend when he died. She lied to him at every turn and he knew the lies for what they were. I told her I wish he could see that she was a different person but I had to respect what he had asked of me. She said she couldn't plan for her son's future not knowing how much money he had. I told her 14 was a little late to start when she had been receiving tax-free money every month from the government to raise him since he was five.
She said if it was me, I would know exactly how much money my kids had. That is where she is wrong. If it was me, I would have had a full-time job the minute I was able to get one. Every penny I got from social security would have gone into a bank account for my children. Not only would I not know how much money they were getting, I wouldn't even ask once they got it. They would not have a father. Money could never make up for that but you can bet I would have squirreled away every penny of it trying to ease their pain somehow. I would have understood why the father of my child made the decisions he did at the time of his death and respected them. I would have been mother and father to my kids. I would have lost my identity completely in my effort to make up to them the fact that they literally only had one parent on this earth.
It occurred to me after all of this settled that neither one of us really knew the other. I apologized at the end of the conversation for having to have cross words but I couldn't change what was. From that point on she ignored me whenever she saw me. My husband was furious. I was really ok. I was glad I didn't invest any more time into a facade. I was sad for my kids but I have to say, they have seen me extend the olive branch more than once. I am always cordial when I see her. I don't hate her. I don't judge her. I'm a firm believer that until I live someone's life, I don't make assumptions.
Maybe some of what I said hit home with her. Maybe she is carrying guilt about how she has mothered. Maybe she wishes she had handled things differently in her past. I don't know and really, I don't care. If being honest with someone turns them against you, do you really want them as a friend anyway? I do know she lost one of the best friends she would have had when she decided to shun me. Once I befriend you I don't change my mind.
I truly hope she finds her happiness. When I look at her life objectively it seems like it's still a long time coming and I hope she finds what it seems like she is still seeking so desperately. Honestly, one less "fake" friend in my life just opens up more time to invest in the people who are genuinely in my life because they want to be.
One was an acquaintance from college. Naturally when I moved here after college I really didn't know anybody who actually lived in town. All of my friends were fellow students at the local college and moved back home after graduation. This girl was from town and attended college locally. She was a few years younger than me but when she sought out a friendship I was eager to accept.
She and her husband became "that" couple. The one that you do everything with. The family that is your second family. We were always together and we always had a great time. It was a very relaxed relationship. It's rare to find another couple who parents similarly. I've really liked alot of other couples but their kids were the deal breaker. They were crazy and the parents too lax in addressing it. Misbehaved kids are not my idea of a fun night.
Eventually they divorced. That was the end of our relationship. We tried to stay friends with both but the husband sought us out and would come over alot for support. She assumed we had "chosen" him and was hurt because she was our friend first. That was not the case but I didn't put forth much effort to convince her. She was changing. She is probably one of the most insecure people I've ever known and she counters that by being so over-the-top. She started speaking in this really haughty tone and sort of like a snake. You know, "sssssoooo, I've been sssssssuuuuper busssssy ssssssince I've ssssseeen you lasssst..." She actually started walking with her nose in the air, literally.
I think it was a defense mechanism. She assumed everyone around town was blaming her for the divorce so she was going to shun everyone before they could cut her. I get it, it happens alot with divorced couples. Bottom line, she had changed and not into someone I would choose to hang out with. I still love her for all of the good times we had. She is a really fun gal but not my cup of tea at the moment.
The other "friend" was someone I really had to work to like. Unlike my fun friend, she is NOT someone I would have ever chosen to befriend. The circumstances of our relationship were thus that for my childrens' sake I felt it would be easier to be friends than enemies. I had to open my mind, I mean Grand Canyon open, to make this happen. I had more arguments with my husband and his family to build a friendship with this woman. My logic eventually won out and we managed to build a really amicable relationship.
Once I got to know her, I genuinely liked her. She did not have the best upbringing and had made some poor decisions in her life but I saw someone working to better herself. She was back in school, even though being in school in my late 30's was the most reprehensible thing I could have imagined. She was working hard to polish herself up, trying to dull the harsh that a less than stellar childhood leaves. She was funny and interesting to talk to. She was energetic and open. She had a habit of lying but I think that is something that is hard to change when you've done it your whole life. Most of them were inconsequential, silly lies over silly things that were transparent but I was able to ignore that. I felt she really had more good going on than bad.
Everyone warned me. They told me she was manipulative, lying, cheating and that her "true" colors would shine through. I defended her. I said she was really a changed person. Eventually people put aside their judgements and began to look at her for who she was, not who she'd been. Even my husband admitted she had changed. That is HUGE. This was a woman whom he hated. It's the only person I have ever seen him really hate.
I was wrong. We had a disagreement over money left in a will. I saw then what everyone told me I would see. A greedy, grasping, selfish woman, not the person I thought I knew. She became so defensive. I'm still not sure why. She implied that I was criticizing her mothering. At NO point was that even an issue. Bottom line, my brother-in-law, from his own mouth, told me he did not trust her and did not want her involved in his son's money, ever. I basically had to say that. She was on her second boyfriend when he died. She lied to him at every turn and he knew the lies for what they were. I told her I wish he could see that she was a different person but I had to respect what he had asked of me. She said she couldn't plan for her son's future not knowing how much money he had. I told her 14 was a little late to start when she had been receiving tax-free money every month from the government to raise him since he was five.
She said if it was me, I would know exactly how much money my kids had. That is where she is wrong. If it was me, I would have had a full-time job the minute I was able to get one. Every penny I got from social security would have gone into a bank account for my children. Not only would I not know how much money they were getting, I wouldn't even ask once they got it. They would not have a father. Money could never make up for that but you can bet I would have squirreled away every penny of it trying to ease their pain somehow. I would have understood why the father of my child made the decisions he did at the time of his death and respected them. I would have been mother and father to my kids. I would have lost my identity completely in my effort to make up to them the fact that they literally only had one parent on this earth.
It occurred to me after all of this settled that neither one of us really knew the other. I apologized at the end of the conversation for having to have cross words but I couldn't change what was. From that point on she ignored me whenever she saw me. My husband was furious. I was really ok. I was glad I didn't invest any more time into a facade. I was sad for my kids but I have to say, they have seen me extend the olive branch more than once. I am always cordial when I see her. I don't hate her. I don't judge her. I'm a firm believer that until I live someone's life, I don't make assumptions.
Maybe some of what I said hit home with her. Maybe she is carrying guilt about how she has mothered. Maybe she wishes she had handled things differently in her past. I don't know and really, I don't care. If being honest with someone turns them against you, do you really want them as a friend anyway? I do know she lost one of the best friends she would have had when she decided to shun me. Once I befriend you I don't change my mind.
I truly hope she finds her happiness. When I look at her life objectively it seems like it's still a long time coming and I hope she finds what it seems like she is still seeking so desperately. Honestly, one less "fake" friend in my life just opens up more time to invest in the people who are genuinely in my life because they want to be.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Mental Illness? Yes, Please.
I have decided I have multiple personalities. That is my problem. The rest of this is the "fluff" covering the fact that I am certifiably insane. Although I'm not sure why it's called madness. I don't feel mad, I'm beginning to feel nothing at all.
My husband is back to work. He had Friday off. He came home Thursday night and while we were eating dinner, he popped up no less than four times to do something else. Crazy things that could have waited until after dinner. We were all talking and actually hung out around the table for a good half hour after dinner just talking about different things. He was at the counter going through some papers, not conversing at all. He then went to the computer and was making copies and trying to fax something. It was work-related so I didn't even ask. This distraction continued until I left to pick my daughter up at dance at 9:45 p.m.
The next day was much the same. He went out to do a couple of errands and was gone for hours. When he was home it was non-stop texts and phone calls from the guys at work. There are alot of changes going on and somehow my husband has been nominated to be in charge. It has always been this way. He is an officer, like everyone else he works with, yet he is deferred to and handles every issue that arises. That night after dinner, I told him that he was completely absent. Even though he was physically present, he had not been "home" for 24 hours.
He told me that if he has something that is important to do for work and he can't pay attention to me then that is just how it is. I think that is the first honest thing he has said to me in years. On one hand, I was hurt. I felt like some whiny, pathetic thing begging her husband for attention. On the other hand, I was relieved. Finally, I know what I'm up against. For no matter what comes out of his mouth in his "trying" phases, this is really how he feels.
We had a fundraiser to go to last night. When I came downstairs he said, "Now I feel underdressed, it's only a baseball event." I had on jeans, wedge boots, a simple blouse and a cardigan. I said, "Would you prefer I had worn sweats? I'm always more dressed up than you." Normally, I would start to second guess my choice and fret and change. Last night, that was not happening. He later said I looked nice but the damage was done. I am sick of hiding. I am a dress-up girl, I always have been. I like my hair super-sexy and a face full of make up. I'm tired of trying to please him instead of myself.
He complained the event was too late (it was 7-11) and I was disgusted. I mean, are we 75? Should it have been 5-8 (I did ask him and he said that would have been preferable). I mean, I am 43 years old. He seems so much older to me. I have the life of a senior citizen because my husband has become one.
By the end of last night I was asking myself what the heck I am doing? I DON'T want this life. I DON'T want this man. I am so tired of feeling such joy and hope in the good times and such emptiness in the dark times. I feel like my life is passing by and I have no passion for it at all. I could care less if I open my eyes just to face a day that is going to be a replica of the one before it. I literally have nothing to look forward to, ever. I'm beginning to feel this is not a phase but rather my reality.
Then he will be charming and funny. He will say something wonderful and make me feel like the most special woman in the world. That's when personality two makes an appearance and is convinced that this marriage is worth everthing to save. I wonder if there is a pill for that?
My husband is back to work. He had Friday off. He came home Thursday night and while we were eating dinner, he popped up no less than four times to do something else. Crazy things that could have waited until after dinner. We were all talking and actually hung out around the table for a good half hour after dinner just talking about different things. He was at the counter going through some papers, not conversing at all. He then went to the computer and was making copies and trying to fax something. It was work-related so I didn't even ask. This distraction continued until I left to pick my daughter up at dance at 9:45 p.m.
The next day was much the same. He went out to do a couple of errands and was gone for hours. When he was home it was non-stop texts and phone calls from the guys at work. There are alot of changes going on and somehow my husband has been nominated to be in charge. It has always been this way. He is an officer, like everyone else he works with, yet he is deferred to and handles every issue that arises. That night after dinner, I told him that he was completely absent. Even though he was physically present, he had not been "home" for 24 hours.
He told me that if he has something that is important to do for work and he can't pay attention to me then that is just how it is. I think that is the first honest thing he has said to me in years. On one hand, I was hurt. I felt like some whiny, pathetic thing begging her husband for attention. On the other hand, I was relieved. Finally, I know what I'm up against. For no matter what comes out of his mouth in his "trying" phases, this is really how he feels.
We had a fundraiser to go to last night. When I came downstairs he said, "Now I feel underdressed, it's only a baseball event." I had on jeans, wedge boots, a simple blouse and a cardigan. I said, "Would you prefer I had worn sweats? I'm always more dressed up than you." Normally, I would start to second guess my choice and fret and change. Last night, that was not happening. He later said I looked nice but the damage was done. I am sick of hiding. I am a dress-up girl, I always have been. I like my hair super-sexy and a face full of make up. I'm tired of trying to please him instead of myself.
He complained the event was too late (it was 7-11) and I was disgusted. I mean, are we 75? Should it have been 5-8 (I did ask him and he said that would have been preferable). I mean, I am 43 years old. He seems so much older to me. I have the life of a senior citizen because my husband has become one.
By the end of last night I was asking myself what the heck I am doing? I DON'T want this life. I DON'T want this man. I am so tired of feeling such joy and hope in the good times and such emptiness in the dark times. I feel like my life is passing by and I have no passion for it at all. I could care less if I open my eyes just to face a day that is going to be a replica of the one before it. I literally have nothing to look forward to, ever. I'm beginning to feel this is not a phase but rather my reality.
Then he will be charming and funny. He will say something wonderful and make me feel like the most special woman in the world. That's when personality two makes an appearance and is convinced that this marriage is worth everthing to save. I wonder if there is a pill for that?
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Hello Guilt, It's Me Again, Kiraly
I was all set to jump on a plane to go help my mother. She was completely incoherent. She wanted me to take over her money and just get her out of Florida. She is like a new person right now. The problem is, she still wants me to come, "for a visit."
I feel awful. I don't have the time or money to fly to Florida just for a visit. I also know when her home sells I will have to go down there then to help her out. To say that I do not have the lifestyle of a jetsetter is an understatement. I'm still paying off the credit card bill for the last trip I had to take to help her through her surgery.
I have to tell her I can't come. I am a huge coward. I hate disappointing people. I remember when I cleaned houses for extra money. As I got busier with working as an esthetician I had to quit houses one by one. Every time I had such huge anxiety I was literally ill. I would work up my courage for weeks and then when I finally did it, almost every family showed only mild annoyance. They made me feel like they could not live without me and then didn't miss a beat when I had to leave. All of my anxiety was for naught.
I know my mom will understand. She knows we don't have alot of money and that I am busy with my kids. I also know she is lonely and missing her family. I know since my dad died her life is so empty. I wish I could go down once a year and play with her to give her a little something to look forward to. She is so proud but every once in a while the walls come down and she admits she is lacking. My heart breaks for her at those moments. I cannot imagine having nine children and numerous grandchildren, who are adults with families, and rarely getting company. Everyone in my family is so busy doing their own things that they never look outside the box. We have a very, "what can you do for me and is this going to be fun for me" outlook on life. It is rarely about what we can do for someone else just because.
I always feel torn lately. Do I stay and work on my marriage or throw in the towel (because that seems a heck of alot easier lately), do I go to Florida now or when the house sells, do I let my son continue his lax attitude toward his college search or push him, do I hold my daughter back from all of the driving she wants to do right away or let her jump right in? Every day I feel like I am facing monumental decisons and I am so worn out. Do you want to know what I really want to do? I want to get into bed, pull up the covers and sleep until everyone else decides everything. That sounds a whole lot more appealing today.
I feel awful. I don't have the time or money to fly to Florida just for a visit. I also know when her home sells I will have to go down there then to help her out. To say that I do not have the lifestyle of a jetsetter is an understatement. I'm still paying off the credit card bill for the last trip I had to take to help her through her surgery.
I have to tell her I can't come. I am a huge coward. I hate disappointing people. I remember when I cleaned houses for extra money. As I got busier with working as an esthetician I had to quit houses one by one. Every time I had such huge anxiety I was literally ill. I would work up my courage for weeks and then when I finally did it, almost every family showed only mild annoyance. They made me feel like they could not live without me and then didn't miss a beat when I had to leave. All of my anxiety was for naught.
I know my mom will understand. She knows we don't have alot of money and that I am busy with my kids. I also know she is lonely and missing her family. I know since my dad died her life is so empty. I wish I could go down once a year and play with her to give her a little something to look forward to. She is so proud but every once in a while the walls come down and she admits she is lacking. My heart breaks for her at those moments. I cannot imagine having nine children and numerous grandchildren, who are adults with families, and rarely getting company. Everyone in my family is so busy doing their own things that they never look outside the box. We have a very, "what can you do for me and is this going to be fun for me" outlook on life. It is rarely about what we can do for someone else just because.
I always feel torn lately. Do I stay and work on my marriage or throw in the towel (because that seems a heck of alot easier lately), do I go to Florida now or when the house sells, do I let my son continue his lax attitude toward his college search or push him, do I hold my daughter back from all of the driving she wants to do right away or let her jump right in? Every day I feel like I am facing monumental decisons and I am so worn out. Do you want to know what I really want to do? I want to get into bed, pull up the covers and sleep until everyone else decides everything. That sounds a whole lot more appealing today.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Death
Today would have been my niece's 41st birthday. This has been one of my favorite poems since the first time I read it. I think it is lilting and beautiful and poignant...just like Dawn. Happy Birthday beautiful angel.
Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.
We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor,and my leisure too,
For his civility.
We passed the school, where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.
Or rather, he passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.
We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.
Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.
~Emily Dickinson
Because I could not stop for Death,
He kindly stopped for me;
The carriage held but just ourselves
And Immortality.
We slowly drove, he knew no haste,
And I had put away
My labor,and my leisure too,
For his civility.
We passed the school, where children strove
At recess, in the ring;
We passed the fields of gazing grain,
We passed the setting sun.
Or rather, he passed us;
The dews grew quivering and chill,
For only gossamer my gown,
My tippet only tulle.
We paused before a house that seemed
A swelling of the ground;
The roof was scarcely visible,
The cornice but a mound.
Since then 'tis centuries, and yet each
Feels shorter than the day
I first surmised the horses' heads
Were toward eternity.
~Emily Dickinson
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