It's been a while. Why? Because I am so depressed, I can't even write what I feel. Once upon a time, I felt that if I wrote what bothered me, I could heal. I have been so dead inside and so tired that the thought of putting my thoughts and feelings into words has seemed too much.
The last couple of months have been rough. Rough physically and rough mentally. I stopped my holistic treatment of my tumors and I have paid the price. The enzymes were working. However, they were a lot of work. I'm talking 18 pills a day, plus iron, plus vitamins. After three months of that, I was tired and thought I had done enough. Ummm, wrong.
I have struggled but finally called the Dr., waved the white flag and admitted defeat. Of course, up here that means over one month before you can be seen. I need another appointment before the actual surgery. That will take place this Tuesday so hopefully, everything will progress from there for me.
After a very stressful Thanksgiving, my husband hit the wall. My husband's brother passed away when he was 34. He had a son who was five at the time. He left some money to that child. My husband babysat that money for 13 years. He grew it as much as he could being in a court account. They are very heavily monitored and risky investments are not allowed. His brother wanted his son to have the money when he turned 21. His will left out the words, "in trust for" and therefore the courts declared the son had to have the money upon turning 18. My husband was devastated. He knew his brother did not want that.
However, upon his nephew's 18th birthday, he turned everything over to a lawyer and the process of turning over the money was underway. Right before Thanksgiving he received a notice that his nephew had petitioned the court for the money. He was so hurt. He texted his nephew and asked why he didn't just ask him where things were. His nephew came down to our house on a Friday night and my husband told him what his father wanted for him and his nephew agreed that he was too young for the money and it should stay in an account until he was 25. What he failed to mention was that his mother and he had gone to two different banks the day before and emptied three accounts. Not once, did he think that information pertinent to the conversation.
My husband hit the wall. I had not seen him that upset since his brother had died. He felt so betrayed. What young man would do that? With his mother's blood running through him, I guess we shouldn't have been surprised but my God, what in your mind makes you think that is ever the right decision?
Of course, he and his pathetic excuse of a mother had a million reasons why they did what they did. She is a narcissistic, selfish, vain, immature, ugly woman. She is all about what gain she can achieve. Though she had her son put the money with an investment manager, she told him to take it out. What mother does that? Your money is in an account earning money so let's pull it out and pay someone to tell you how to earn money. Ahh, it was earning money. It was doing so at no cost to your son. Of course, it was in the best interest of your son to do it your way. What an idiot. This is how her brain works though. Completely childlike.
My husband was not right since. I told him for years that he was depressed and stressed. He always argued. After this incident, he literally went on the couch and did not move for weeks. He was "sick." Finally, after about three weeks, I told him to get to a Dr. or I was done. I was tired of coming home from work to find him in the same spot he'd been in for days.
He called the Dr. and I went to the appointment with him. He was very honest. I filled in some blanks and we were really making progress. We left with a few subscriptions. One was an antidepressant/anti anxiety med. I cannot describe the difference. After only two weeks, my old husband was back. I have been blissful. He is completely himself again and I thought we were through the hurdle.
One of the "symptoms" he'd been having were what the kids and I called his "comas." He gets slurry, his face droops, he gets very mean and just weird. This would happen every so often and we chalked it up to exhaustion or stress. I talked to the Dr. about them and when the pills were working so well, we kind of just checked them off the list.
Today my husband had a "coma." We were dropping off my son at college. He wasn't making sense. He wouldn't answer my questions and just kept repeating himself. Then we started driving and he was squinting his eye and all over the road. I begged him to pull over and actually started crying because I was so scared. I think he was trying to pull over but just couldn't. When the car slowed down enough I just threw it into park. I dropped my son off and my husband tried to help with the luggage. He got out of the car and fell up the curb, right onto his face in the snow. I got him up and into the car.
I had my kids make one trip upstairs into the dorm and drove with my husband to park. I was begging him to go to the ER or let me call 911 but he was adamant. I got my son settled and then threw my husband in the back seat and just headed home.
It was the most stressful drive. I hate driving in snow and a lot of the ride was back roads and of course it was snowing the whole way. I was so worried about my husband and so stressed about the snow but had to act totally calm because I still had my daughter in the car and had to make her feel safe.
We got close to home and my husband woke up. I told him we were going to the ER and again he went ballistic. He was fine so I told him the only way he was getting out of it is if he calls the Dr. first thing in the morning. He agreed so we just came home.
Between being so sick myself and this whole situation, I am literally done. I am spent. I have not one iota of energy to give to one more stressful situation. I helped my husband through the whole nephew thing. If that were my nephew, I would have cut him out of my life and been done with it. I helped him with his Dr. appointments and went to them all. On top of all of this, I have serious health issues.
I feel horrific all of the time. I am so sick more than I'm not. I have zero energy, I'm depressed, I'm hormonal and in general just crazy. I can't do any more. I literally cannot handle any more stress. God help me that this month will resolve most of our issues because I really don't think I have it in me to survive another one.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Friday, August 9, 2013
No Way
Hands down, this has been the most stressful summer of my life. Of course, my relationship did not stay in the blissful harmonious place it was way back in March. I expected that. Honestly, it doesn't really phase me and I'm grateful for the peaceful times. I haven't had a whole lot of energy to invest in that drama so at this point, my attitude is that it is what it is.
Getting my son into college has been a nightmare. He finally settled on SUNY at Buffalo. It's a great school and was his first choice but it is HUGE! It is the biggest school in the northeast. FAFSA is a nightmare. It's confusing and obnoxious. I am convinced it's just another way for the government to gather more data on it's citizens. Really, who is getting all of this aide? How low does your income have to be to get the grants? The little bit of aide my son got wasn't even worth the time to fill out the FAFSA forms.
He got the perfect room assignment but was unsure if he should keep it. It was a single on the south campus. I panicked and told him to request a change as all of his classes were on the north campus and I felt he would be too lonely in a single. We went up for orientation and decided that room was perfect. The south campus is a bit quieter and less busy and a bus runs every 3 minutes to the north campus. If he misses one, he will blink and the next one will be there. He went in to cancel his room change request and had already been reassigned. He is in a double in Governor's Hall. Not the ideal freshman dorm. It's for the very serious, academic students. While my son is very bright (he graduated in the top 5% of his class) he is a social kid. He loves to play sports and hang out with friends. This is the worst possible scenario. His roommate is Asian, and while this is so stereotypical, we are assuming super smart. We could be totally off base here, but typically if students come abroad to study, it is to actually get an education.
My son never partied in high school. I always told him to wait for college. He did that and now is in a dorm that will be the least conducive place for that. Don't get me wrong. I don't want him to party his way to failure but I do want him to learn how to balance fun and work. After all, isn't that what adulthood is all about? We have to learn how to have a fun life and still meet our responsibilities. I feel college is the perfect environment to figure that all out. You are an adult and independent, yet the safety net is still in place. I led him very wrong in the decision to change his room. He has put in another request but so far, nothing. I'm sure this late in the game, he is stuck where he is assigned.
It is making buying things for his room very difficult as well. Since we have no idea if this is where he will be, he has not contacted his roommate. We are hoping he doesn't have a refrigerator and area rug, etc. I'm assuming if he's coming from overseas, those types of things will not be easily brought. My son doesn't want to contact him and then get reassigned, obviously. This would all be so much easier if I had just told him to stay where he was. Live and learn.
The thought of him leaving is also killing me. I know it's time. I know he's ready. I know this is what I have been preparing him for since childhood. However, none of that logic makes it any easier to grasp that one of my babies is leaving the nest. I cannot fathom it. I'm not ready. I need more time. There are so many things that I wanted to do with my family that never happened. I feel that we have been in the worst place ever, as a family, and this is what my son is taking away to his freshman year. My head is in constant thought. Admittedly, it is all negative speak. I'm trying so hard to be positive and let his last weeks be happy ones. We have been spending a lot of time together as a family and I'm really making an effort to make in non confrontational. If I feel myself getting angry, I just let it go. I want him to miss us, not be happy to get the heck away from us.
I also haven't felt well for a very long time. I finally broke down and went to a doctor in July. It was the evening before we were leaving for vacation. She found two tumors. She told me they were fairly certain they were harmless. She said she would know more in 14 days and that every day closer to that 14 day mark was better. If I didn't hear from her in 14 days, I could relax.
Yesterday marked 28 days since that appointment. I got a call at work from my husband that my Dr. had called the home phone and wanted me to call her back. I assumed that it was a follow up call as I had been put on medication to shrink the tumors. She explained the first month would be rough (and believe me, it has been) and I thought she was just checking in.
They found abnormal cells. I think somewhere, deep inside, I knew something was not right with me. I have just been "off." I have another appointment on August 27th. I have a bunch of tests with fancy names that essentially boil down to a biopsy. I'm in shock. Fourteen days passed and I checked this all off of my "to do" list. Had I received this call within that time frame, I would have been prepared to hear whatever. Yesterday, at work, not so much.
I'm tired. I'm so unbelievably tired. I'm tired of stress. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of decision-making and care-taking and my life in general. I want to feel peace. I want to wake up and look forward to my day. I don't want to hurry up and get it over with so I can go to bed and hurry up and get the next day over with. That is my attitude lately. My job is the most monotonous, anti-Kiraly place in the world. I hate technology and tv and phones and that is what I do ALL day long. It's like going to hell every day. I like who I work with and the convenience of where I work so I'm trying to find the positive in it every day, but it's getting harder.
I don't know how I will tell my kids if something is wrong with me. This is such an exciting time for both of them. It's stressful for me but what makes it all worthwhile is listening to them both. He's off to college and while nervous, I haven't seen him so excited about anything in a long time. She's starting her senior year. This is the most fun year of high school with so many adventures ahead.
I want to be 100% there for them. I want to be the mother I have always been since they first looked into my eyes. I am so afraid that God is going to have other plans for me. I'm terrified that I may not have the energy to give all of myself to them. I'm nervous at my lack of control over my own body. Pray for me. I pray so hard for all of my friends who struggle. I pray for strangers I read about who need to be lifted. Lately, I pray an awful lot for myself. I need all I can get and I just ask that you pray for me.
Getting my son into college has been a nightmare. He finally settled on SUNY at Buffalo. It's a great school and was his first choice but it is HUGE! It is the biggest school in the northeast. FAFSA is a nightmare. It's confusing and obnoxious. I am convinced it's just another way for the government to gather more data on it's citizens. Really, who is getting all of this aide? How low does your income have to be to get the grants? The little bit of aide my son got wasn't even worth the time to fill out the FAFSA forms.
He got the perfect room assignment but was unsure if he should keep it. It was a single on the south campus. I panicked and told him to request a change as all of his classes were on the north campus and I felt he would be too lonely in a single. We went up for orientation and decided that room was perfect. The south campus is a bit quieter and less busy and a bus runs every 3 minutes to the north campus. If he misses one, he will blink and the next one will be there. He went in to cancel his room change request and had already been reassigned. He is in a double in Governor's Hall. Not the ideal freshman dorm. It's for the very serious, academic students. While my son is very bright (he graduated in the top 5% of his class) he is a social kid. He loves to play sports and hang out with friends. This is the worst possible scenario. His roommate is Asian, and while this is so stereotypical, we are assuming super smart. We could be totally off base here, but typically if students come abroad to study, it is to actually get an education.
My son never partied in high school. I always told him to wait for college. He did that and now is in a dorm that will be the least conducive place for that. Don't get me wrong. I don't want him to party his way to failure but I do want him to learn how to balance fun and work. After all, isn't that what adulthood is all about? We have to learn how to have a fun life and still meet our responsibilities. I feel college is the perfect environment to figure that all out. You are an adult and independent, yet the safety net is still in place. I led him very wrong in the decision to change his room. He has put in another request but so far, nothing. I'm sure this late in the game, he is stuck where he is assigned.
It is making buying things for his room very difficult as well. Since we have no idea if this is where he will be, he has not contacted his roommate. We are hoping he doesn't have a refrigerator and area rug, etc. I'm assuming if he's coming from overseas, those types of things will not be easily brought. My son doesn't want to contact him and then get reassigned, obviously. This would all be so much easier if I had just told him to stay where he was. Live and learn.
The thought of him leaving is also killing me. I know it's time. I know he's ready. I know this is what I have been preparing him for since childhood. However, none of that logic makes it any easier to grasp that one of my babies is leaving the nest. I cannot fathom it. I'm not ready. I need more time. There are so many things that I wanted to do with my family that never happened. I feel that we have been in the worst place ever, as a family, and this is what my son is taking away to his freshman year. My head is in constant thought. Admittedly, it is all negative speak. I'm trying so hard to be positive and let his last weeks be happy ones. We have been spending a lot of time together as a family and I'm really making an effort to make in non confrontational. If I feel myself getting angry, I just let it go. I want him to miss us, not be happy to get the heck away from us.
I also haven't felt well for a very long time. I finally broke down and went to a doctor in July. It was the evening before we were leaving for vacation. She found two tumors. She told me they were fairly certain they were harmless. She said she would know more in 14 days and that every day closer to that 14 day mark was better. If I didn't hear from her in 14 days, I could relax.
Yesterday marked 28 days since that appointment. I got a call at work from my husband that my Dr. had called the home phone and wanted me to call her back. I assumed that it was a follow up call as I had been put on medication to shrink the tumors. She explained the first month would be rough (and believe me, it has been) and I thought she was just checking in.
They found abnormal cells. I think somewhere, deep inside, I knew something was not right with me. I have just been "off." I have another appointment on August 27th. I have a bunch of tests with fancy names that essentially boil down to a biopsy. I'm in shock. Fourteen days passed and I checked this all off of my "to do" list. Had I received this call within that time frame, I would have been prepared to hear whatever. Yesterday, at work, not so much.
I'm tired. I'm so unbelievably tired. I'm tired of stress. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of decision-making and care-taking and my life in general. I want to feel peace. I want to wake up and look forward to my day. I don't want to hurry up and get it over with so I can go to bed and hurry up and get the next day over with. That is my attitude lately. My job is the most monotonous, anti-Kiraly place in the world. I hate technology and tv and phones and that is what I do ALL day long. It's like going to hell every day. I like who I work with and the convenience of where I work so I'm trying to find the positive in it every day, but it's getting harder.
I don't know how I will tell my kids if something is wrong with me. This is such an exciting time for both of them. It's stressful for me but what makes it all worthwhile is listening to them both. He's off to college and while nervous, I haven't seen him so excited about anything in a long time. She's starting her senior year. This is the most fun year of high school with so many adventures ahead.
I want to be 100% there for them. I want to be the mother I have always been since they first looked into my eyes. I am so afraid that God is going to have other plans for me. I'm terrified that I may not have the energy to give all of myself to them. I'm nervous at my lack of control over my own body. Pray for me. I pray so hard for all of my friends who struggle. I pray for strangers I read about who need to be lifted. Lately, I pray an awful lot for myself. I need all I can get and I just ask that you pray for me.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Let's Press Pause
This has actually been a good week. It seems like forever since I have been able to say that and the words come with a huge sigh of relief. I don't know what the magical light of clarity was, but it came and I'm enjoying it's aftermath.
I had stopped wearing my wedding rings about a month ago. I was sick and tired of pretending I was happy and thought I needed to start the process. After about three weeks, my husband noticed. Of course, he was less than thrilled. He kept telling me to put them on and of course, I kept refusing. I told him when I felt married and loved, I would wear them.
Right around the same time, I had to get money out for something and my husband noticed I had a LARGE amount of cash stockpiled. I told him flat out that I was saving for an apartment. He didn't believe me but he couldn't deny the fact that I had an awful lot of money saved to simply look at. I think for the first time, he really got nervous. It finally dawned on him that I was done.
He started actually being kind. He talked gently, he would just hug me for no reason and in general just started acting like my old guy. Finally on St. Patrick's Day he asked if I would please wear my rings when we went out. I told him I would but he'd better earn them.
We have had a great week! He has been loving and sweet and considerate. I feel a calmness that I have not felt in way too long to remember. I admit, it is very hard for me to let my defenses down. If I were in a less weary place, emotionally, I am confident I would still be hostile and unreceptive. I'm just so tired from everything that I haven't put up much of a fight.
This is what I want. I want a husband who looks at me like he loves me. I want to look into his eyes and know that he can't wait to get me alone. I want to see desire and and love. I want to see that when I've been married 50 years. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to start over. I know I would love to be alone but I'm also a realist and know I would start dating someone else again. We all crave companionship. I just don't want a new relationship. I want my old relationship to feel new.
Maybe we have to go through all of this. Nobody said life was easy, after all. Maybe you have to go through the angst to appreciate the "normal." Maybe it's where we are at with the kids that contributes to the woes of our marriage. My kids are great but they are 18 and 17. They are constantly running and doing and I feel like we are non-stop. I don't acknowledge it because it's just our life, but it IS stressful. It never calms down. Once one thing is done, we are gearing up for the next. Prom for the daughter, over. Prom for the son, next month. Dance-outs for the daughter, done. Baseball for the son, just beginning. On and on it goes. We will get our son into college in the fall and then the process of finding one for our daughter begins.
Don't get me wrong. I love having our kids close. We chose this but it is exhausting. I think it is more stressful than I realize.
I don't know what the heck is going on but I know, I like where we are RIGHT now!
I had stopped wearing my wedding rings about a month ago. I was sick and tired of pretending I was happy and thought I needed to start the process. After about three weeks, my husband noticed. Of course, he was less than thrilled. He kept telling me to put them on and of course, I kept refusing. I told him when I felt married and loved, I would wear them.
Right around the same time, I had to get money out for something and my husband noticed I had a LARGE amount of cash stockpiled. I told him flat out that I was saving for an apartment. He didn't believe me but he couldn't deny the fact that I had an awful lot of money saved to simply look at. I think for the first time, he really got nervous. It finally dawned on him that I was done.
He started actually being kind. He talked gently, he would just hug me for no reason and in general just started acting like my old guy. Finally on St. Patrick's Day he asked if I would please wear my rings when we went out. I told him I would but he'd better earn them.
We have had a great week! He has been loving and sweet and considerate. I feel a calmness that I have not felt in way too long to remember. I admit, it is very hard for me to let my defenses down. If I were in a less weary place, emotionally, I am confident I would still be hostile and unreceptive. I'm just so tired from everything that I haven't put up much of a fight.
This is what I want. I want a husband who looks at me like he loves me. I want to look into his eyes and know that he can't wait to get me alone. I want to see desire and and love. I want to see that when I've been married 50 years. I don't want a divorce. I don't want to start over. I know I would love to be alone but I'm also a realist and know I would start dating someone else again. We all crave companionship. I just don't want a new relationship. I want my old relationship to feel new.
Maybe we have to go through all of this. Nobody said life was easy, after all. Maybe you have to go through the angst to appreciate the "normal." Maybe it's where we are at with the kids that contributes to the woes of our marriage. My kids are great but they are 18 and 17. They are constantly running and doing and I feel like we are non-stop. I don't acknowledge it because it's just our life, but it IS stressful. It never calms down. Once one thing is done, we are gearing up for the next. Prom for the daughter, over. Prom for the son, next month. Dance-outs for the daughter, done. Baseball for the son, just beginning. On and on it goes. We will get our son into college in the fall and then the process of finding one for our daughter begins.
Don't get me wrong. I love having our kids close. We chose this but it is exhausting. I think it is more stressful than I realize.
I don't know what the heck is going on but I know, I like where we are RIGHT now!
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Take A Break
I've been considering taking a break from social media. I just don't have it in me to be a part of relationships. I've practically become a hermit in my "real" life and I'm finding the effort to just have conversations exhausting.
I have to be "on" at work and by the time I get home, I don't even want to speak. I know my poor kids don't understand it. I'm usually very gregarious and lively and I know they see the difference. I don't even have the desire to visit with my in-laws and I'm usually the one who always makes it a point to go over there with the family. They are the only family my kids have here and I am adamant that they need a strong relationship with them. The thought of going over there and having to have conversation is too much.
I am depressed. I am actually amazed I'm just now really getting into the depths of depression. When I think about my life honestly, I can't believe I've managed to remain functioning and sunny as long as I have. Now I just don't care. I have no more energy to give. I just don't care.
I love my friends on social media. I am usually lively and witty and love the connection I have on there with so many friends and family. Lately, I find myself just scrolling down the page and hitting a like once in a while but rarely commenting on things. This is not me. I have something to say about everything.
I'm not me. I don't know who I am or who I will come out on the other end of this but I do not like where I am.
I have to be "on" at work and by the time I get home, I don't even want to speak. I know my poor kids don't understand it. I'm usually very gregarious and lively and I know they see the difference. I don't even have the desire to visit with my in-laws and I'm usually the one who always makes it a point to go over there with the family. They are the only family my kids have here and I am adamant that they need a strong relationship with them. The thought of going over there and having to have conversation is too much.
I am depressed. I am actually amazed I'm just now really getting into the depths of depression. When I think about my life honestly, I can't believe I've managed to remain functioning and sunny as long as I have. Now I just don't care. I have no more energy to give. I just don't care.
I love my friends on social media. I am usually lively and witty and love the connection I have on there with so many friends and family. Lately, I find myself just scrolling down the page and hitting a like once in a while but rarely commenting on things. This is not me. I have something to say about everything.
I'm not me. I don't know who I am or who I will come out on the other end of this but I do not like where I am.
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Dream On
I'm a dreamer. I have always been a dreamer. I fantasize that the world is a perfect place, filled with people, who, while not perfect, all have some good in them.
I live every day trying to find the good in every person and every thing. I can't function otherwise. When I give in to reality and acknowledge that maybe some people just have no good in them and life is not the perfect place I seek, I despair. Lately, I am finding it harder and harder to keep my mojo rocking.
I have lived too long in my bubble. I have been isolated and allowed to only acknowledge reality as I choose to filter it. When you are home all day, every day, what you encounter is very much in your control.
I don't watch tv so there was no negative energy coming in that avenue. My computer habits were completely in my control. I chose to read and surf where I found things that perpetuated my idyllic ideology and avoid anything that brought me down. I had no idea how very much I have been avoiding.
I now have a non-existent marriage. I do not even have a friendship with my husband at this point. I don't listen to him when he speaks because the only things that come out of his mouth are negative and have to do with work. We spend absolutely NO time talking with one another. I don't care that we are disconnected. We are beyond repair as far as I'm concerned. I don't have the energy nor the desire to rebuild our relationship. I used to miss him horribly when our break down began. I missed "us." I don't miss a thing about him. In fact, I continually find it hard to remember what I even liked about him to begin with.
It seems to me that he has been this miserable, selfish, mean man for longer than he was ever the man I met. I clung to that man, to that memory of what he was. I held tight with both hands wishing for that man to come back. At some point in this VERY long process, I realized that man is gone. He's been gone for a very long time and he's not coming back. The man who has replaced him is here to stay and is the "real" husband.
I'm also coming to reality about my job. It was supposed to be part-time. It is very much not that. I thought with time, I would begin to really like it. The truth is, I just don't like what I do. I don't like technology. I sell phones and tv service and internet and I couldn't care less about those things. How can I go to work and be happy and passionate about what I do when I honestly couldn't care less about any of it? Some days it actually sickens me how obsessed people are with their technology. Heaven forbid if their tv is not working and Jeopardy is coming on. You would think the apocolypse was upon us. It is sheer panic!
I really like my boss as a person. She is cool and fun and nice. Working with her is completely different. She is very good to me and respectful but she flips on my co-workers and it makes me a nervous wreck. She literally gets very angry when they make mistakes. On one hand, I understand her frustration. These people have been working for her for quite some time and should have this stuff down. However, they are laid back and kind of "spacey." She knows that. It's like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. No matter how many times she yells at them, they are not going to stop making mistakes. They just don't care enough to be really good at what they do. They are content with "good enough."
I am always waiting for her to flip her switch on me. It is so stressful. While I sense a different relationship with her and I and I cling to the hope that she will not speak to me the same way, I'm always waiting for it. I'm confident alot of things that I'm still unsure of would be much easier for me if I weren't always afraid to mess it up. I'm paralyzed in indecision because I can't trust myself to be perfect. I worked for someone before like this. I was very good at my job and it was very easy but she had me so paranoid to make a mistake, I couldn't write my name without second guessing myself. It is a horrible feeling every day to be on edge like this.
When she and I are alone in the office, it is very stress free. We work well together and she seems in a good mood. When a co-worker enters the equation, the whole atmosphere changes. We have to hire another person as one girl has left and I'm nervous about it. She tends to hire the same "type" and it just doesn't seem to me like the formula is working. She hires young, inexperienced girls that she already knows. Then she hopes they work out. Sometimes they do a really good job but they tend to move on. I don't understand that. A young girl could make a career there, or at least work there for several years and use that experience as a launch pad to get into a really good job. I am starting to think they sense that tension in the office and like myself, they like our boss and use the excuse of starting a career elsewhere to leave and maintain a good relationship with her. She really is a nice person. More often than not, they just don't work out for one reason or another.
It's her business and her choice. I'm just worried about this process. Again, my optimistic outlook is trying to convince me that the new person is going to be great and it's all going to work and we are going to be one big happy office. There is a nagging little voice in my head that is telling me that may not be the case.
I have no marriage. I have a job I don't like but need. I can't get my health together because I can't find a single reason to care if I'm fat or old or ugly. I'm not motivated to work out or eat well and I can't summon up the energy to do anything about it. I don't think I have ever been as hopeless and sad as I am right now. I have had hard times but there is just such an emptiness in me and I can't seem to find the will to fill it.
Thank God for my children. I am confident if I didn't have them, I would not make the effort to even get out of bed. I just wake up every morning and say a little prayer that somewhere in my day, something will inspire me to get through it and want to wake up the next day and try again.
I live every day trying to find the good in every person and every thing. I can't function otherwise. When I give in to reality and acknowledge that maybe some people just have no good in them and life is not the perfect place I seek, I despair. Lately, I am finding it harder and harder to keep my mojo rocking.
I have lived too long in my bubble. I have been isolated and allowed to only acknowledge reality as I choose to filter it. When you are home all day, every day, what you encounter is very much in your control.
I don't watch tv so there was no negative energy coming in that avenue. My computer habits were completely in my control. I chose to read and surf where I found things that perpetuated my idyllic ideology and avoid anything that brought me down. I had no idea how very much I have been avoiding.
I now have a non-existent marriage. I do not even have a friendship with my husband at this point. I don't listen to him when he speaks because the only things that come out of his mouth are negative and have to do with work. We spend absolutely NO time talking with one another. I don't care that we are disconnected. We are beyond repair as far as I'm concerned. I don't have the energy nor the desire to rebuild our relationship. I used to miss him horribly when our break down began. I missed "us." I don't miss a thing about him. In fact, I continually find it hard to remember what I even liked about him to begin with.
It seems to me that he has been this miserable, selfish, mean man for longer than he was ever the man I met. I clung to that man, to that memory of what he was. I held tight with both hands wishing for that man to come back. At some point in this VERY long process, I realized that man is gone. He's been gone for a very long time and he's not coming back. The man who has replaced him is here to stay and is the "real" husband.
I'm also coming to reality about my job. It was supposed to be part-time. It is very much not that. I thought with time, I would begin to really like it. The truth is, I just don't like what I do. I don't like technology. I sell phones and tv service and internet and I couldn't care less about those things. How can I go to work and be happy and passionate about what I do when I honestly couldn't care less about any of it? Some days it actually sickens me how obsessed people are with their technology. Heaven forbid if their tv is not working and Jeopardy is coming on. You would think the apocolypse was upon us. It is sheer panic!
I really like my boss as a person. She is cool and fun and nice. Working with her is completely different. She is very good to me and respectful but she flips on my co-workers and it makes me a nervous wreck. She literally gets very angry when they make mistakes. On one hand, I understand her frustration. These people have been working for her for quite some time and should have this stuff down. However, they are laid back and kind of "spacey." She knows that. It's like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. No matter how many times she yells at them, they are not going to stop making mistakes. They just don't care enough to be really good at what they do. They are content with "good enough."
I am always waiting for her to flip her switch on me. It is so stressful. While I sense a different relationship with her and I and I cling to the hope that she will not speak to me the same way, I'm always waiting for it. I'm confident alot of things that I'm still unsure of would be much easier for me if I weren't always afraid to mess it up. I'm paralyzed in indecision because I can't trust myself to be perfect. I worked for someone before like this. I was very good at my job and it was very easy but she had me so paranoid to make a mistake, I couldn't write my name without second guessing myself. It is a horrible feeling every day to be on edge like this.
When she and I are alone in the office, it is very stress free. We work well together and she seems in a good mood. When a co-worker enters the equation, the whole atmosphere changes. We have to hire another person as one girl has left and I'm nervous about it. She tends to hire the same "type" and it just doesn't seem to me like the formula is working. She hires young, inexperienced girls that she already knows. Then she hopes they work out. Sometimes they do a really good job but they tend to move on. I don't understand that. A young girl could make a career there, or at least work there for several years and use that experience as a launch pad to get into a really good job. I am starting to think they sense that tension in the office and like myself, they like our boss and use the excuse of starting a career elsewhere to leave and maintain a good relationship with her. She really is a nice person. More often than not, they just don't work out for one reason or another.
It's her business and her choice. I'm just worried about this process. Again, my optimistic outlook is trying to convince me that the new person is going to be great and it's all going to work and we are going to be one big happy office. There is a nagging little voice in my head that is telling me that may not be the case.
I have no marriage. I have a job I don't like but need. I can't get my health together because I can't find a single reason to care if I'm fat or old or ugly. I'm not motivated to work out or eat well and I can't summon up the energy to do anything about it. I don't think I have ever been as hopeless and sad as I am right now. I have had hard times but there is just such an emptiness in me and I can't seem to find the will to fill it.
Thank God for my children. I am confident if I didn't have them, I would not make the effort to even get out of bed. I just wake up every morning and say a little prayer that somewhere in my day, something will inspire me to get through it and want to wake up the next day and try again.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Step One, Complete
I have gotten a job. It was supposed to be a "part-time" job but so far it's feeling pretty consuming. Some weeks I work 39 1/2 hours. I guess, technically, that's part-time. I needed to put all of the thought into action.
I need independence. I need money. This is where I start. At first, all of the money was mine. It was great to buy what I wanted, not necessarily needed, when I wanted it. Granted, most of the money went to the kids. It is so nice to just say "yes" to everything. No matter what they ask for or need, there is no pause, no hesitation; just, yes. It has been so long since that was the case in our home. It just feels great to be able to give.
Of course, now my husband has acclimated to the fact that there is money available. Can you give the kids money for gas? Can you give them money for dinner? Do you have money for stuff at the grocery store? It begins.
I have been working until 6 p.m. three days a week and once a month, I work a Saturday in addition to the five days already. This month, I have to work two Saturdays. I admit, I'm not in love with this schedule. To me, this is not part-time, it's very, very close to full-time. My husband keeps saying to me, "I almost make more in one hour of over-time than you make in a whole day." Yes, that's true. He makes very good money. I don't make great money. Today I countered and said, "well, it's true that you make alot more money than I do but we never get to see it or use it." He said he didn't want to argue. That's great. He makes good money but if the kids and I can't use it, what good is it?
I don't love my job. At first I did. I really, really loved it. It is VERY technology oriented, which is about as far from my comfort zone as Pluto. At first, I loved the challenge of learning something so unfamiliar. It was fun and challenging. Now, it's bordering on frustrating. Every day, a new situation arises. Every day there is something new to learn and the only way to learn it is to mess it up and then "learn." This is soooo not me.
I never leave work with the feeling that I did something positive. I never leave and think, "wow, that was a great day!!" Most days I kind of think, "well, it wasn't horrific." I'm sad that I feel this way. I'm sad that I don't ever have that feeling of accomplishment.
It's independence. It's a step in the right direction. I just need to make it work in my mind and all will be well.
I need independence. I need money. This is where I start. At first, all of the money was mine. It was great to buy what I wanted, not necessarily needed, when I wanted it. Granted, most of the money went to the kids. It is so nice to just say "yes" to everything. No matter what they ask for or need, there is no pause, no hesitation; just, yes. It has been so long since that was the case in our home. It just feels great to be able to give.
Of course, now my husband has acclimated to the fact that there is money available. Can you give the kids money for gas? Can you give them money for dinner? Do you have money for stuff at the grocery store? It begins.
I have been working until 6 p.m. three days a week and once a month, I work a Saturday in addition to the five days already. This month, I have to work two Saturdays. I admit, I'm not in love with this schedule. To me, this is not part-time, it's very, very close to full-time. My husband keeps saying to me, "I almost make more in one hour of over-time than you make in a whole day." Yes, that's true. He makes very good money. I don't make great money. Today I countered and said, "well, it's true that you make alot more money than I do but we never get to see it or use it." He said he didn't want to argue. That's great. He makes good money but if the kids and I can't use it, what good is it?
I don't love my job. At first I did. I really, really loved it. It is VERY technology oriented, which is about as far from my comfort zone as Pluto. At first, I loved the challenge of learning something so unfamiliar. It was fun and challenging. Now, it's bordering on frustrating. Every day, a new situation arises. Every day there is something new to learn and the only way to learn it is to mess it up and then "learn." This is soooo not me.
I never leave work with the feeling that I did something positive. I never leave and think, "wow, that was a great day!!" Most days I kind of think, "well, it wasn't horrific." I'm sad that I feel this way. I'm sad that I don't ever have that feeling of accomplishment.
It's independence. It's a step in the right direction. I just need to make it work in my mind and all will be well.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Fresh Start
I am tired of being bipolar. I'm up, I'm down, I'm happy, I'm sad and then cue cycle all over again. I have made a resolution that I am giving up the drama that has become my life.
I feel "normal" inside these days. I have come to some kind of peace within. I have done what I said I was going to do and stopped looking to external sources for my emotional well-being. I was getting back to the business of being me with or without an entourage. It turns out, once I made these firm decisions and did not waver on my purpose, everyone kind of got on board.
We went on vacation and I really thought that was the breaking point for my husband and I. We attended a picnic given by an old friend from grammar school. A bunch of other friends from the same school attended. We normally always do this when I go home in the summer with a small group of girls. This year, we opened it up to a few more people and some fellas attended.
Of course, some alcohol was consumed and the reminiscing began. One of the guys admitted that he waited for me to sign his dance card first before anyone else could sign it at our middle school dances. It was funny. I never had a clue about the crush. Then it led to more kids that had crushes on me. I was clueless as a child and dumbfounded as an adult to even hear this stuff. I spent so much time as a kid seeing what everyone else had that I was lacking that it never occurred to me that anyone would like me.
My husband, I believe, was actually jealous. It was beyond ridiculous. We were 12 years old. We are all married with families. It was FUNNY. Of course, I made it into a joke that I could have been hooked up with all of these boys liking me as a kid. One had a beach house and boats and jetskis, etc. We laughed it off as I spun the tale of how much more glamorous my tween years could have been.
Later the talk got a little ribald. We had kids with us but they are all upper classmen in high school and we weren't vulgar, just pushing it. Ironically, I was NOT one of the people engaging in this conversation. Someone asked me a question and my response was, "how do I know?"
My husband flipped. He yelled across the party, "Nice talk with kids around Kiraly!! Save it for girls night!" I was mortified. First of all, I said NOTHING wrong. He embarrassed me and made himself look like a maniac. As expected, a silent ackwardness ensued. He ruined the whole day for me. I had not laughed that hard probably since I had seen these friends the summer before and in one minute he took it away. He is famous for this.
I am joyful and he crushes me at first opportunity. I have started pointing this out when he does it. I'm like, "can I ride the wave for a minute?" Just give me a minute to be really happy before you take it away.
Of course, he felt justified. He is stubborn and ignorant and would not even consider he might have overreacted. Later, a friend sent a text apologizing if she had offended my husband. I was so mad at him. Why should my friends have to guard their thoughts and talk because my husband is a stick in the mud? I could see if we had small children. Of course, I would have agreed with him but our kids are young adults. They certainly don't need to be sheltered from adult humor. It wasn't even bad. There was no swearing or anything crass. It was SIMPLY adult humor, which I'm sure my kids could write a short story on at this age.
That was it for me. I am not a robot. I cannot be the perfect Stepford wife he wants. I have to be articulate and beautiful and neat and organized. I have to be an amazing cook and housekeeper and mother and spouse. I should never swear or be loud or get attention. At all times, I have to be the perfect classy lady and present well. Don't get me wrong, I like being all of those things but I do NOT like it forced on me. I'm going to screw up. I'm going to loosen up and swear or push the envelope. I never swore in front of my kids for 16 years. I think maybe they can handle it now. I'm never proud of myself. There are a million ways I can choose to express myself and I'm always disappointed in myself when I speak vulgarly but let me beat myself up. I know I'm wrong. I don't need another keeper.
I was really done and then like always, there was a shift. After a few days of VERY strained communication, my old guy was back. We started getting along. He was relaxed and funny and fun. The rest of his vacation was enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong, I know this is us. We're up, we're down and all around. The difference is, I'm doing me. He is back to work today and if the grumpy, mean husband makes a reappearance, oh well. It is not going to change my mission. I will be the girl I was. I will be that person who literally just felt good, all day, every day. I was peaceful and calm and joyful. I saw the good in everyone and everything. I miss that person. Life was so much brighter. The sun is going to shine again in my world.
I feel "normal" inside these days. I have come to some kind of peace within. I have done what I said I was going to do and stopped looking to external sources for my emotional well-being. I was getting back to the business of being me with or without an entourage. It turns out, once I made these firm decisions and did not waver on my purpose, everyone kind of got on board.
We went on vacation and I really thought that was the breaking point for my husband and I. We attended a picnic given by an old friend from grammar school. A bunch of other friends from the same school attended. We normally always do this when I go home in the summer with a small group of girls. This year, we opened it up to a few more people and some fellas attended.
Of course, some alcohol was consumed and the reminiscing began. One of the guys admitted that he waited for me to sign his dance card first before anyone else could sign it at our middle school dances. It was funny. I never had a clue about the crush. Then it led to more kids that had crushes on me. I was clueless as a child and dumbfounded as an adult to even hear this stuff. I spent so much time as a kid seeing what everyone else had that I was lacking that it never occurred to me that anyone would like me.
My husband, I believe, was actually jealous. It was beyond ridiculous. We were 12 years old. We are all married with families. It was FUNNY. Of course, I made it into a joke that I could have been hooked up with all of these boys liking me as a kid. One had a beach house and boats and jetskis, etc. We laughed it off as I spun the tale of how much more glamorous my tween years could have been.
Later the talk got a little ribald. We had kids with us but they are all upper classmen in high school and we weren't vulgar, just pushing it. Ironically, I was NOT one of the people engaging in this conversation. Someone asked me a question and my response was, "how do I know?"
My husband flipped. He yelled across the party, "Nice talk with kids around Kiraly!! Save it for girls night!" I was mortified. First of all, I said NOTHING wrong. He embarrassed me and made himself look like a maniac. As expected, a silent ackwardness ensued. He ruined the whole day for me. I had not laughed that hard probably since I had seen these friends the summer before and in one minute he took it away. He is famous for this.
I am joyful and he crushes me at first opportunity. I have started pointing this out when he does it. I'm like, "can I ride the wave for a minute?" Just give me a minute to be really happy before you take it away.
Of course, he felt justified. He is stubborn and ignorant and would not even consider he might have overreacted. Later, a friend sent a text apologizing if she had offended my husband. I was so mad at him. Why should my friends have to guard their thoughts and talk because my husband is a stick in the mud? I could see if we had small children. Of course, I would have agreed with him but our kids are young adults. They certainly don't need to be sheltered from adult humor. It wasn't even bad. There was no swearing or anything crass. It was SIMPLY adult humor, which I'm sure my kids could write a short story on at this age.
That was it for me. I am not a robot. I cannot be the perfect Stepford wife he wants. I have to be articulate and beautiful and neat and organized. I have to be an amazing cook and housekeeper and mother and spouse. I should never swear or be loud or get attention. At all times, I have to be the perfect classy lady and present well. Don't get me wrong, I like being all of those things but I do NOT like it forced on me. I'm going to screw up. I'm going to loosen up and swear or push the envelope. I never swore in front of my kids for 16 years. I think maybe they can handle it now. I'm never proud of myself. There are a million ways I can choose to express myself and I'm always disappointed in myself when I speak vulgarly but let me beat myself up. I know I'm wrong. I don't need another keeper.
I was really done and then like always, there was a shift. After a few days of VERY strained communication, my old guy was back. We started getting along. He was relaxed and funny and fun. The rest of his vacation was enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong, I know this is us. We're up, we're down and all around. The difference is, I'm doing me. He is back to work today and if the grumpy, mean husband makes a reappearance, oh well. It is not going to change my mission. I will be the girl I was. I will be that person who literally just felt good, all day, every day. I was peaceful and calm and joyful. I saw the good in everyone and everything. I miss that person. Life was so much brighter. The sun is going to shine again in my world.
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