I am tired of being bipolar. I'm up, I'm down, I'm happy, I'm sad and then cue cycle all over again. I have made a resolution that I am giving up the drama that has become my life.
I feel "normal" inside these days. I have come to some kind of peace within. I have done what I said I was going to do and stopped looking to external sources for my emotional well-being. I was getting back to the business of being me with or without an entourage. It turns out, once I made these firm decisions and did not waver on my purpose, everyone kind of got on board.
We went on vacation and I really thought that was the breaking point for my husband and I. We attended a picnic given by an old friend from grammar school. A bunch of other friends from the same school attended. We normally always do this when I go home in the summer with a small group of girls. This year, we opened it up to a few more people and some fellas attended.
Of course, some alcohol was consumed and the reminiscing began. One of the guys admitted that he waited for me to sign his dance card first before anyone else could sign it at our middle school dances. It was funny. I never had a clue about the crush. Then it led to more kids that had crushes on me. I was clueless as a child and dumbfounded as an adult to even hear this stuff. I spent so much time as a kid seeing what everyone else had that I was lacking that it never occurred to me that anyone would like me.
My husband, I believe, was actually jealous. It was beyond ridiculous. We were 12 years old. We are all married with families. It was FUNNY. Of course, I made it into a joke that I could have been hooked up with all of these boys liking me as a kid. One had a beach house and boats and jetskis, etc. We laughed it off as I spun the tale of how much more glamorous my tween years could have been.
Later the talk got a little ribald. We had kids with us but they are all upper classmen in high school and we weren't vulgar, just pushing it. Ironically, I was NOT one of the people engaging in this conversation. Someone asked me a question and my response was, "how do I know?"
My husband flipped. He yelled across the party, "Nice talk with kids around Kiraly!! Save it for girls night!" I was mortified. First of all, I said NOTHING wrong. He embarrassed me and made himself look like a maniac. As expected, a silent ackwardness ensued. He ruined the whole day for me. I had not laughed that hard probably since I had seen these friends the summer before and in one minute he took it away. He is famous for this.
I am joyful and he crushes me at first opportunity. I have started pointing this out when he does it. I'm like, "can I ride the wave for a minute?" Just give me a minute to be really happy before you take it away.
Of course, he felt justified. He is stubborn and ignorant and would not even consider he might have overreacted. Later, a friend sent a text apologizing if she had offended my husband. I was so mad at him. Why should my friends have to guard their thoughts and talk because my husband is a stick in the mud? I could see if we had small children. Of course, I would have agreed with him but our kids are young adults. They certainly don't need to be sheltered from adult humor. It wasn't even bad. There was no swearing or anything crass. It was SIMPLY adult humor, which I'm sure my kids could write a short story on at this age.
That was it for me. I am not a robot. I cannot be the perfect Stepford wife he wants. I have to be articulate and beautiful and neat and organized. I have to be an amazing cook and housekeeper and mother and spouse. I should never swear or be loud or get attention. At all times, I have to be the perfect classy lady and present well. Don't get me wrong, I like being all of those things but I do NOT like it forced on me. I'm going to screw up. I'm going to loosen up and swear or push the envelope. I never swore in front of my kids for 16 years. I think maybe they can handle it now. I'm never proud of myself. There are a million ways I can choose to express myself and I'm always disappointed in myself when I speak vulgarly but let me beat myself up. I know I'm wrong. I don't need another keeper.
I was really done and then like always, there was a shift. After a few days of VERY strained communication, my old guy was back. We started getting along. He was relaxed and funny and fun. The rest of his vacation was enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong, I know this is us. We're up, we're down and all around. The difference is, I'm doing me. He is back to work today and if the grumpy, mean husband makes a reappearance, oh well. It is not going to change my mission. I will be the girl I was. I will be that person who literally just felt good, all day, every day. I was peaceful and calm and joyful. I saw the good in everyone and everything. I miss that person. Life was so much brighter. The sun is going to shine again in my world.
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