Step One, Complete

I have gotten a job.  It was supposed to be a "part-time" job but so far it's feeling pretty consuming.  Some weeks I work 39 1/2 hours.  I guess, technically, that's part-time.  I needed to put all of the thought into action.

I need independence.  I need money.  This is where I start.  At first, all of the money was mine.  It was great to buy what I wanted, not necessarily needed, when I wanted it.  Granted, most of the money went to the kids.  It is so nice to just say "yes" to everything.  No matter what they ask for or need, there is no pause, no hesitation; just, yes.  It has been so long since that was the case in our home.  It just feels great to be able to give.

Of course, now my husband has acclimated to the fact that there is money available.  Can you give the kids money for gas?  Can you give them money for dinner?  Do you have money for stuff at the grocery store?  It begins.

I have been working until 6 p.m. three days a week and once a month, I work a Saturday in addition to the five days already.  This month, I have to work two Saturdays.  I admit, I'm not in love with this schedule.  To me, this is not part-time, it's very, very close to full-time.  My husband keeps saying to me, "I almost make more in one hour of over-time than you make in a whole day."  Yes, that's true.  He makes very good money.  I don't make great money.  Today I countered and said, "well, it's true that you make alot more money than I do but we never get to see it or use it."  He said he didn't want to argue.  That's great.  He makes good money but if the kids and I can't use it, what good is it?

I don't love my job.  At first I did.  I really, really loved it.  It is VERY technology oriented, which is about as far from my comfort zone as Pluto.  At first, I loved the challenge of learning something so unfamiliar.  It was fun and challenging.  Now, it's bordering on frustrating.  Every day, a new situation arises.  Every day there is something new to learn and the only way to learn it is to mess it up and then "learn."  This is soooo not me. 

I never leave work with the feeling that I did something positive.  I never leave and think, "wow, that was a great day!!"   Most days I kind of think, "well, it wasn't horrific."  I'm sad that I feel this way.  I'm sad that I don't ever have that feeling of accomplishment. 

It's independence.  It's a step in the right direction.  I just need to make it work in my mind and all will be well.