I'm a dreamer. I have always been a dreamer. I fantasize that the world is a perfect place, filled with people, who, while not perfect, all have some good in them.
I live every day trying to find the good in every person and every thing. I can't function otherwise. When I give in to reality and acknowledge that maybe some people just have no good in them and life is not the perfect place I seek, I despair. Lately, I am finding it harder and harder to keep my mojo rocking.
I have lived too long in my bubble. I have been isolated and allowed to only acknowledge reality as I choose to filter it. When you are home all day, every day, what you encounter is very much in your control.
I don't watch tv so there was no negative energy coming in that avenue. My computer habits were completely in my control. I chose to read and surf where I found things that perpetuated my idyllic ideology and avoid anything that brought me down. I had no idea how very much I have been avoiding.
I now have a non-existent marriage. I do not even have a friendship with my husband at this point. I don't listen to him when he speaks because the only things that come out of his mouth are negative and have to do with work. We spend absolutely NO time talking with one another. I don't care that we are disconnected. We are beyond repair as far as I'm concerned. I don't have the energy nor the desire to rebuild our relationship. I used to miss him horribly when our break down began. I missed "us." I don't miss a thing about him. In fact, I continually find it hard to remember what I even liked about him to begin with.
It seems to me that he has been this miserable, selfish, mean man for longer than he was ever the man I met. I clung to that man, to that memory of what he was. I held tight with both hands wishing for that man to come back. At some point in this VERY long process, I realized that man is gone. He's been gone for a very long time and he's not coming back. The man who has replaced him is here to stay and is the "real" husband.
I'm also coming to reality about my job. It was supposed to be part-time. It is very much not that. I thought with time, I would begin to really like it. The truth is, I just don't like what I do. I don't like technology. I sell phones and tv service and internet and I couldn't care less about those things. How can I go to work and be happy and passionate about what I do when I honestly couldn't care less about any of it? Some days it actually sickens me how obsessed people are with their technology. Heaven forbid if their tv is not working and Jeopardy is coming on. You would think the apocolypse was upon us. It is sheer panic!
I really like my boss as a person. She is cool and fun and nice. Working with her is completely different. She is very good to me and respectful but she flips on my co-workers and it makes me a nervous wreck. She literally gets very angry when they make mistakes. On one hand, I understand her frustration. These people have been working for her for quite some time and should have this stuff down. However, they are laid back and kind of "spacey." She knows that. It's like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. No matter how many times she yells at them, they are not going to stop making mistakes. They just don't care enough to be really good at what they do. They are content with "good enough."
I am always waiting for her to flip her switch on me. It is so stressful. While I sense a different relationship with her and I and I cling to the hope that she will not speak to me the same way, I'm always waiting for it. I'm confident alot of things that I'm still unsure of would be much easier for me if I weren't always afraid to mess it up. I'm paralyzed in indecision because I can't trust myself to be perfect. I worked for someone before like this. I was very good at my job and it was very easy but she had me so paranoid to make a mistake, I couldn't write my name without second guessing myself. It is a horrible feeling every day to be on edge like this.
When she and I are alone in the office, it is very stress free. We work well together and she seems in a good mood. When a co-worker enters the equation, the whole atmosphere changes. We have to hire another person as one girl has left and I'm nervous about it. She tends to hire the same "type" and it just doesn't seem to me like the formula is working. She hires young, inexperienced girls that she already knows. Then she hopes they work out. Sometimes they do a really good job but they tend to move on. I don't understand that. A young girl could make a career there, or at least work there for several years and use that experience as a launch pad to get into a really good job. I am starting to think they sense that tension in the office and like myself, they like our boss and use the excuse of starting a career elsewhere to leave and maintain a good relationship with her. She really is a nice person. More often than not, they just don't work out for one reason or another.
It's her business and her choice. I'm just worried about this process. Again, my optimistic outlook is trying to convince me that the new person is going to be great and it's all going to work and we are going to be one big happy office. There is a nagging little voice in my head that is telling me that may not be the case.
I have no marriage. I have a job I don't like but need. I can't get my health together because I can't find a single reason to care if I'm fat or old or ugly. I'm not motivated to work out or eat well and I can't summon up the energy to do anything about it. I don't think I have ever been as hopeless and sad as I am right now. I have had hard times but there is just such an emptiness in me and I can't seem to find the will to fill it.
Thank God for my children. I am confident if I didn't have them, I would not make the effort to even get out of bed. I just wake up every morning and say a little prayer that somewhere in my day, something will inspire me to get through it and want to wake up the next day and try again.
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