Hands down, this has been the most stressful summer of my life. Of course, my relationship did not stay in the blissful harmonious place it was way back in March. I expected that. Honestly, it doesn't really phase me and I'm grateful for the peaceful times. I haven't had a whole lot of energy to invest in that drama so at this point, my attitude is that it is what it is.
Getting my son into college has been a nightmare. He finally settled on SUNY at Buffalo. It's a great school and was his first choice but it is HUGE! It is the biggest school in the northeast. FAFSA is a nightmare. It's confusing and obnoxious. I am convinced it's just another way for the government to gather more data on it's citizens. Really, who is getting all of this aide? How low does your income have to be to get the grants? The little bit of aide my son got wasn't even worth the time to fill out the FAFSA forms.
He got the perfect room assignment but was unsure if he should keep it. It was a single on the south campus. I panicked and told him to request a change as all of his classes were on the north campus and I felt he would be too lonely in a single. We went up for orientation and decided that room was perfect. The south campus is a bit quieter and less busy and a bus runs every 3 minutes to the north campus. If he misses one, he will blink and the next one will be there. He went in to cancel his room change request and had already been reassigned. He is in a double in Governor's Hall. Not the ideal freshman dorm. It's for the very serious, academic students. While my son is very bright (he graduated in the top 5% of his class) he is a social kid. He loves to play sports and hang out with friends. This is the worst possible scenario. His roommate is Asian, and while this is so stereotypical, we are assuming super smart. We could be totally off base here, but typically if students come abroad to study, it is to actually get an education.
My son never partied in high school. I always told him to wait for college. He did that and now is in a dorm that will be the least conducive place for that. Don't get me wrong. I don't want him to party his way to failure but I do want him to learn how to balance fun and work. After all, isn't that what adulthood is all about? We have to learn how to have a fun life and still meet our responsibilities. I feel college is the perfect environment to figure that all out. You are an adult and independent, yet the safety net is still in place. I led him very wrong in the decision to change his room. He has put in another request but so far, nothing. I'm sure this late in the game, he is stuck where he is assigned.
It is making buying things for his room very difficult as well. Since we have no idea if this is where he will be, he has not contacted his roommate. We are hoping he doesn't have a refrigerator and area rug, etc. I'm assuming if he's coming from overseas, those types of things will not be easily brought. My son doesn't want to contact him and then get reassigned, obviously. This would all be so much easier if I had just told him to stay where he was. Live and learn.
The thought of him leaving is also killing me. I know it's time. I know he's ready. I know this is what I have been preparing him for since childhood. However, none of that logic makes it any easier to grasp that one of my babies is leaving the nest. I cannot fathom it. I'm not ready. I need more time. There are so many things that I wanted to do with my family that never happened. I feel that we have been in the worst place ever, as a family, and this is what my son is taking away to his freshman year. My head is in constant thought. Admittedly, it is all negative speak. I'm trying so hard to be positive and let his last weeks be happy ones. We have been spending a lot of time together as a family and I'm really making an effort to make in non confrontational. If I feel myself getting angry, I just let it go. I want him to miss us, not be happy to get the heck away from us.
I also haven't felt well for a very long time. I finally broke down and went to a doctor in July. It was the evening before we were leaving for vacation. She found two tumors. She told me they were fairly certain they were harmless. She said she would know more in 14 days and that every day closer to that 14 day mark was better. If I didn't hear from her in 14 days, I could relax.
Yesterday marked 28 days since that appointment. I got a call at work from my husband that my Dr. had called the home phone and wanted me to call her back. I assumed that it was a follow up call as I had been put on medication to shrink the tumors. She explained the first month would be rough (and believe me, it has been) and I thought she was just checking in.
They found abnormal cells. I think somewhere, deep inside, I knew something was not right with me. I have just been "off." I have another appointment on August 27th. I have a bunch of tests with fancy names that essentially boil down to a biopsy. I'm in shock. Fourteen days passed and I checked this all off of my "to do" list. Had I received this call within that time frame, I would have been prepared to hear whatever. Yesterday, at work, not so much.
I'm tired. I'm so unbelievably tired. I'm tired of stress. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of decision-making and care-taking and my life in general. I want to feel peace. I want to wake up and look forward to my day. I don't want to hurry up and get it over with so I can go to bed and hurry up and get the next day over with. That is my attitude lately. My job is the most monotonous, anti-Kiraly place in the world. I hate technology and tv and phones and that is what I do ALL day long. It's like going to hell every day. I like who I work with and the convenience of where I work so I'm trying to find the positive in it every day, but it's getting harder.
I don't know how I will tell my kids if something is wrong with me. This is such an exciting time for both of them. It's stressful for me but what makes it all worthwhile is listening to them both. He's off to college and while nervous, I haven't seen him so excited about anything in a long time. She's starting her senior year. This is the most fun year of high school with so many adventures ahead.
I want to be 100% there for them. I want to be the mother I have always been since they first looked into my eyes. I am so afraid that God is going to have other plans for me. I'm terrified that I may not have the energy to give all of myself to them. I'm nervous at my lack of control over my own body. Pray for me. I pray so hard for all of my friends who struggle. I pray for strangers I read about who need to be lifted. Lately, I pray an awful lot for myself. I need all I can get and I just ask that you pray for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment