It's been a while. Why? Because I am so depressed, I can't even write what I feel. Once upon a time, I felt that if I wrote what bothered me, I could heal. I have been so dead inside and so tired that the thought of putting my thoughts and feelings into words has seemed too much.
The last couple of months have been rough. Rough physically and rough mentally. I stopped my holistic treatment of my tumors and I have paid the price. The enzymes were working. However, they were a lot of work. I'm talking 18 pills a day, plus iron, plus vitamins. After three months of that, I was tired and thought I had done enough. Ummm, wrong.
I have struggled but finally called the Dr., waved the white flag and admitted defeat. Of course, up here that means over one month before you can be seen. I need another appointment before the actual surgery. That will take place this Tuesday so hopefully, everything will progress from there for me.
After a very stressful Thanksgiving, my husband hit the wall. My husband's brother passed away when he was 34. He had a son who was five at the time. He left some money to that child. My husband babysat that money for 13 years. He grew it as much as he could being in a court account. They are very heavily monitored and risky investments are not allowed. His brother wanted his son to have the money when he turned 21. His will left out the words, "in trust for" and therefore the courts declared the son had to have the money upon turning 18. My husband was devastated. He knew his brother did not want that.
However, upon his nephew's 18th birthday, he turned everything over to a lawyer and the process of turning over the money was underway. Right before Thanksgiving he received a notice that his nephew had petitioned the court for the money. He was so hurt. He texted his nephew and asked why he didn't just ask him where things were. His nephew came down to our house on a Friday night and my husband told him what his father wanted for him and his nephew agreed that he was too young for the money and it should stay in an account until he was 25. What he failed to mention was that his mother and he had gone to two different banks the day before and emptied three accounts. Not once, did he think that information pertinent to the conversation.
My husband hit the wall. I had not seen him that upset since his brother had died. He felt so betrayed. What young man would do that? With his mother's blood running through him, I guess we shouldn't have been surprised but my God, what in your mind makes you think that is ever the right decision?
Of course, he and his pathetic excuse of a mother had a million reasons why they did what they did. She is a narcissistic, selfish, vain, immature, ugly woman. She is all about what gain she can achieve. Though she had her son put the money with an investment manager, she told him to take it out. What mother does that? Your money is in an account earning money so let's pull it out and pay someone to tell you how to earn money. Ahh, it was earning money. It was doing so at no cost to your son. Of course, it was in the best interest of your son to do it your way. What an idiot. This is how her brain works though. Completely childlike.
My husband was not right since. I told him for years that he was depressed and stressed. He always argued. After this incident, he literally went on the couch and did not move for weeks. He was "sick." Finally, after about three weeks, I told him to get to a Dr. or I was done. I was tired of coming home from work to find him in the same spot he'd been in for days.
He called the Dr. and I went to the appointment with him. He was very honest. I filled in some blanks and we were really making progress. We left with a few subscriptions. One was an antidepressant/anti anxiety med. I cannot describe the difference. After only two weeks, my old husband was back. I have been blissful. He is completely himself again and I thought we were through the hurdle.
One of the "symptoms" he'd been having were what the kids and I called his "comas." He gets slurry, his face droops, he gets very mean and just weird. This would happen every so often and we chalked it up to exhaustion or stress. I talked to the Dr. about them and when the pills were working so well, we kind of just checked them off the list.
Today my husband had a "coma." We were dropping off my son at college. He wasn't making sense. He wouldn't answer my questions and just kept repeating himself. Then we started driving and he was squinting his eye and all over the road. I begged him to pull over and actually started crying because I was so scared. I think he was trying to pull over but just couldn't. When the car slowed down enough I just threw it into park. I dropped my son off and my husband tried to help with the luggage. He got out of the car and fell up the curb, right onto his face in the snow. I got him up and into the car.
I had my kids make one trip upstairs into the dorm and drove with my husband to park. I was begging him to go to the ER or let me call 911 but he was adamant. I got my son settled and then threw my husband in the back seat and just headed home.
It was the most stressful drive. I hate driving in snow and a lot of the ride was back roads and of course it was snowing the whole way. I was so worried about my husband and so stressed about the snow but had to act totally calm because I still had my daughter in the car and had to make her feel safe.
We got close to home and my husband woke up. I told him we were going to the ER and again he went ballistic. He was fine so I told him the only way he was getting out of it is if he calls the Dr. first thing in the morning. He agreed so we just came home.
Between being so sick myself and this whole situation, I am literally done. I am spent. I have not one iota of energy to give to one more stressful situation. I helped my husband through the whole nephew thing. If that were my nephew, I would have cut him out of my life and been done with it. I helped him with his Dr. appointments and went to them all. On top of all of this, I have serious health issues.
I feel horrific all of the time. I am so sick more than I'm not. I have zero energy, I'm depressed, I'm hormonal and in general just crazy. I can't do any more. I literally cannot handle any more stress. God help me that this month will resolve most of our issues because I really don't think I have it in me to survive another one.
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