I am really trying to keep my energy up. I feel it's an uphill battle lately but I really do not want to give in to the despondency that threatens at every moment.
Thank God for my kids. I am so content all day when it is just them and I. That is when I feel most at ease. I laugh. I have energy. I converse. I have a sense of peace and normalcy. As the clock ticks down and my husband is due home, the bleakness closes in and I once again become an observer of my life.
It is so bizarre to me that I can disassociate myself from my actions. It's almost as if I am going through the motions and I'm actually seeing myself from afar. I don't look at him any more. I realized this a few weeks ago. I never make eye contact with him. I have no idea why this is. I cannot look at his face. I am afraid of the loathing I feel for him. Perhaps if I look at him, really look at him, in turn, I must really look at myself. I think by now, we are all aware at how adept I am at avoiding that.
I don't want him. I don't want to try. I don't want to love him. I don't want to even like him. I don't want to acknowledge that he has never once even tried. I don't want to acknowledge that I'm still sitting here. I am in a place of precarious balance. All day, my life is as I wish it. The kids and I, enjoying our summer. I convince myself that this is my life and I am happy. Then I get through the hours my husband is home. I "check out" and wait for morning when my "regular" life can begin again.
I have even started avoiding dinner. I feel guilty for this. It started because every night we had something going on. I tried to have something prepared for when we got home but everyone was coming and going at different times. Then I had a bunch of leftovers and so we kind of played with them for a while. Then I stocked the house with "easy" dinner options (salads, sandwiches, etc.). I realized not having to endure the stress of a meal as a family was a huge sense of relief. It had gotten to the point before this ingenuity that every meal was on pins and needles. Who was going to argue with him? What was he going to find fault with? When we called him on this, he got defensive and blamed us. It is always a no-win situation with him.
We do not have a relationship at this point. I speak only when spoken to or asked direct questions. I stay in one room and he in another. He has no clue this is abnormal. He is content. We have no physical interaction at all. I have stopped complaining about it. I told him a few weeks ago that I have begged him for the last time to want me. I was pretty sure I could find a few people that would gladly do the job since he finds it so repugnant. This is what I have become; a petty, vengeful, vindictive bitch.
I don't like myself. I don't like my behavior. I don't like myself physically. I don't like my weakness and lack of conviction. I don't like the fact that I'm stagnant. This is not me. I am an energetic go-getter. I am always brewing about something. I have something in the works at all times. Not any more. I get through one day. I try to sleep. That is not going great for me lately but I make the effort every night. I wake the next day and go through the motions again.
I know I will get it. I know I will find my happy again. I cannot reconcile my mind to the fact that I am still me. I feel so utterly and completely foreign. I did not believe in my wildest dreams I could be this morose, self-pitying, pathetic woman. I know she's temporary. I know my 'ever after' awaits me as soon as I decide to break out of the monotony and go after it.
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