The other night we had come home from dinner at the in-laws and while I watered the grass out front my husband was leaving to go sit for time (a silly requirement to get time off at his job). We talked for a minute. As I mentioned before, I really don't look at his face and certainly, rarely, in his eyes. We were getting along pretty well and I think he just acted instinctually but he leaned in to kiss me good bye.
We used to always kiss hello and good bye. It was one of those things that we just "did." It was mindless and insignificant, until it no longer happened. That was when I realized how significant that little, taken for granted, peck every day is.
As he leaned in, I looked up at him (I was shocked, I think) and I saw the briefest flash of something in his eyes. It was so clear it was practically tangible. I was incredulous. What I saw in his eyes as I looked up could only be described as uncertainty or perhaps even fear. It was gone as quickly as it came, but I know what I saw.
As he drove away, I really thought about this. My husband has always been a very shy, humble man. It was one of the things that drew me to him. He's not shy with friends, etc. but he's just kind of uncertain of his worth. He's beautiful. I'm talking if he worked out and took his health at all serious, he could be a model. He has a classic bone structure and nice even features. His eyes are a gorgeous green and his teeth are perfect (no braces either!). I used to just stare at him and think how lucky I was that he chose me. However, he has no clue (probably why he did choose me!). He has no idea how very attractive women find him.
I have always taken control with him. If I had not moved things along, we would still be staring at eachother across the room. I got the vibe in college that he was interested but until I made it blatantly clear that I was interested as well, he would not make a move. He later said that he "never thought a girl like me would even look at him." Whatever that means. Seems like we were both thinking the other was far too attractive for us at that time. That's ironic.
I thought about that look in his eyes for about two hours. Finally, I bit the bullet. I sent him a text. I told him that I missed the "old us." I told him that this living in the same house and having no relationship was killing me. I admitted that I still love him, so much that my heart hurts all of the time. I told him I hurt him because I want him to feel one ounce of what I feel every day. I have been assuming that he just doesn't care.
Despite the 4,000 conversations we've had, I assumed he thought things were running smoothly. I have told him, he will fix us this time and I will not be doing one thing to progress matters. I have done all of the work so far and now I'm just being stubborn. I assumed because he was not overtly doing anything to fix us that he assumed things were fine. I thought he was comfortable living in a house and not having a marriage. That one brief flash in his eyes changed that for me.
I remembered the boy I met. The beautiful boy who was so unsure of himself. The boy I had to write the script for and lead around throughout our whole courtship because he just didn't know how. He's who I fell in love with. I liked having control. Is it now fair for me to expect him to be able to change roles and just figure it out? He is so afraid to make a mistake that he has become paralyzed with indecisiveness. I decided this would be my last attempt.
He wrote back and said he missed us too. He also said he wanted some time alone with me. He felt like we need some time away from the kids. It's true. I am with my kids 24/7. They are not typical teens. They are almost always home. If they go out, they are home early (usually by 9 p.m. and if they are really being crazy it's 11). They have friends over alot to hang out. I love that. Listening to them laughing and talking just soothes something in me. However, it does not leave much time for intimacy. Our bedrooms are VERY close so if there are kids in the bedrooms, we have no privacy. There are always kids in the living room and even outside on the deck. We are literally always with one or the other of our children.
When my husband came home the next day from work, he came right over and kissed me. I did sense his hesitancy but I turned with a smile and stretched my face up, making it clear it was a welcome advance. We have touched eachother more in two days than we have in two years. I admit, I'm finding it hard to thaw. I have built up such a wall around me that I don't feel that flutter I always felt and that liquid melting that was instant whenever he touched me.
I'm willing to work at it though. I am not so stubborn or in need to get my way that I will sacrifice 22 years and the father of my children to have things my way. I was getting lost in what mattered. I want my marriage to work. That is the bottom line. My pride, not necessarily anything else, was holding that up. I felt like I had always given in on everything and that it was his turn. That one look reminded me of the reason why it's always been that way. It's not fair to change the rules this far into the game.
I am hopeful, yet again.
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