Keep A Lid On It

The pot is bubbling over.  I am no longer able to put the lid on and contain the emotions.  Slowly, they have been emerging.  Lately, they are right there at all times, rising up until they slide slowly from my mouth.

My anger is palpable.  I don't even try to be amicable.  I want him to be miserable.  I am resentful when he breezes in the door from work, full of energy and happiness.  I used to try to embrace it and feed on it, hoping it would ease my darkness.  I don't try any more.  I stay in my dark place and hate him for the time he gets to forget me/us every day.  I ignore him and hope that he feels a smidgeon of the sorrow I feel all day.

I am mourning the loss of my marriage and he is blithely skipping through his days.  He is content.  I say this all of the time because I am incredulous.  He is comfortable with our dysfunction.  There is no relationship between us.  We co-parent.  Actually, that's being generous.  I parent and he just hovers around the house.  The kids and I are one unit and he flits in and out of "our" place.  He works and pays the bills and wakes up to do it all over again.

These are his choices.  I tried to include him.  Now, I just don't care.  I don't try to mask what I feel for the sake of the kids or the sake of appearances.  It is what it is.  I don't care who knows.  Soon enough everyone will know when we are not together.  I might as well lay the groundwork.  His parents know something is awry.  I disagree with him all of the time now.  I don't just shut my mouth and let him have the last word like I used to.  I don't back down and I can see it makes his mom uncomfortable.  Her philosophy has always been just to be quiet.  If you don't give them an answer the argument has to stop.  I can't do it.

I have been ignored and neglected for too long.  I will have his attention, even if it's all negative.  This is how repulsive I have become.  I feel badly about myself because my husband doesn't want me.  I feel badly about myself because I have become a mean, petty witch.  I have to come out of this place.  It is destructive.  It is sad.  It has no purpose.  When will I stop thinking about it and just do it?  When will all the "have to's" in my life take a backseat to what I need to do for myself?  I feel selfish wanting to rock the boat.  If I don't rock it soon, I'm afraid it's going to capsize on it's own and I will yet again be drowning in a sea of regret.