What is wrong with me that every time there is a bump in the road, I derail? I am so positive and so focused. I wake up with intent and drive. Then there is a mishap and I immediately curl up into a ball and die.
I am so frustrated. My mind is racing with what I want to accomplish in a day. My body will not cooperate. I have spent hours, days, sitting somewhere and staring. I feel so overwhelmed. I am exhausted just thinking about all I have to do.
The only way I can achieve change is if I implement it and follow through. I have given up on my marriage. I don't even want to try any more. The tiniest dregs of hope no longer exist in me and I don't even care. I have to start over. I am so angry. This was NOT supposed to be my life. I was supposed to get married, live a happy, peaceful life and then die.
I hate drama. I hate that we can't just get along. When a piece of white trash scum who doesn't even know how to treat animals says that you are treating your husband poorly, you know you have hit rock bottom. Of course, nobody sees my husband's true colors when we are in public. He either sits stoically and remains silent or is the life of the party. The people at the wedding when he turned insane got a brief look at him but that's as close as he's ever come to showing what we see every day in our home. I can't turn it on and off like that. That is why our socializing as a couple has waned so much. It was too hard to live this crazy life and then go out and pretend everything was fine. According to psycho it was my mouth (are you sensing I'm still angry over this?) but it was just the effort it required and my lack of enthusiasm for the project. Regardless, I should NOT be speaking to anyone, let alone my husband, the way I do. I've lost respect. I'm angry. I want attention and I'm going about it all in the wrong way.
Before we went to the beach, I had a loose plan in my mind. I had goals set and wanted to start accomplishing them once we got back. I feel so beat up. I feel completely unloved and unwanted by everyone in my life. I don't fit anywhere. I have tried so hard to acclimate to my lifestyle. I have had an open mind and tried to find the good in everyone that HAD to be in my life. I went to family functions and tried to keep conversation flowing. I tried to find that niche with everyone and get along. My husband's family is so small. I think coming from a large family, I felt sorry for my kids. Family functions growing up were always productions. There were people everywhere. Literally, you could spend the whole day together and not get a chance to talk to everyone. Having my kids have a sense of tradition and family means everything to me and I have swallowed every emotion I've ever felt in order to make them comfortable and happy.
I even feel hurt by my kids lately. I feel like I am only here for maid duty or chef duty or to have the laundry done in a timely manner. My son especially is so self-centered. Whenever I am less than happy, he is sure to point it out. Then he tells me I shouldn't be so stressed out. I wish I could tell this kid what I have put up with for the sake of this family. No money. No friends. No affection. No sex. No compassion. No family. No relationship. My husband is content to be my third child.
I want a relationship with an educated, evolved man. I want a man who can sit down and discuss things, not someone who waits for me to tell him what to say or feel. I do not want someone who parrots me. I feel like my husband has not had a thought independent from one of mine since we've met. He tries to anticipate how I would think and acts accordingly. That's a dangerous game. Noone knows what someone else would do in every situation. I don't even know what I'm going to do or think until something happens.
I have to get my focus back. I have to start working out again and eating well (those are always the first things to go when I'm under stress). I have to remember that life is not just going to happen, I have to make it what I want. I have to remember I am strong, I am smart and I can have anything I want in this lifetime. I just have to find the energy to do it.
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