Trapped

Now I know why it is called 'madness.'  Slowly, any semblance of logical rational thought slips away until you are completely consumed by anger, regret and remorse.  The worst part of it all?  For the present moment, you are powerless to change it.

I am going mad.  I am mad.  They are one and the same.  I cannot hear his voice.  I cannot look at his face.  I am filling with hatred.  I am filling with spite.  I am filling with emotions I never thought I would be capable of feeling for any human being let alone one I loved more than myself.

Love and hate.  Are there two emotions more interchangeable?  Both require such intensity.  Both require passion.  That which we love the most is that which we can hate at the flip of a switch.  I am frightened because I only feel one now.  The love is gone.  I just want out.  I just want it over. 

I am wishing my kids' lives to pass more quickly because I know if they were both in college I would already be gone.  It's awful.  I am wasting these last precious years with my babies because I cannot wait to escape their father.  That thought, that dream, is the only reason I bother to rise from my bed in the morning.  If the only thing I had to look forward to is the monotony of my life and fighting with this beast, I don't think I would make the effort.

I pity my children.  Their last memories of living with us are going to be of dysfunction and tension.  I am afraid that all of the wonderful times and the carefree light-hearted years are being eclipsed by the now.  I know for me, that is certainly the case.  I can barely recall ever being happy.  I can conjure just the faintest of feelings when I remember how our family used to be.

He doesn't get it.  He will never get it.  He is too stubborn.  He is too proud.  He is too emotionally unevolved to grasp that he has complete control over the outcome of our situation.  If he had even put forth one iota of effort, our lives could be very different at this moment and in the future.  He had the power in the palm of his hand and he is too slow to grasp it.

I've given all I have to give.  I have tried so hard to save my marriage that I never in a million years thought I would put forth this amount of effort into anything in my life, let alone a man.  I have talked and yelled.  I have cried and pouted.  I am emotionally wrung out.  I have nothing left to devote to this worthless cause.

It is time to plan my future.  A future that will be mine.  That I will have complete and utter control of.  A future that will succeed or fail based on the effort I put into it.  A future that will bring about my happiness or my demise.  The difference will be I will own it.  It will be completely of my making and what it becomes can be laid squarely on my shoulders and noone else's.  I cannnot wait.