Yesterday my son had a baseball game out of town. As I sat wrapped in my blanket buffeting myself against that chill wind that blew incessantly on the top of the mountain where this game took place, my 'nemesis' came and sat two rows in front of me.
I didn't look at her. I didn't speak to her (or her fiance, for that matter). I had seen her since the 'incident' at another game but it was crowded and we were more spaced out so I barely noticed her. This game was sparsely attended because of the distance and the cold. There was no pretending we didn't know the other was there.
At first, I panicked. I thought for sure she would not show up. It has been her record in the past that inclement or cold weather usually keeps her from attending games. I had forgotten however that now she is going for Mom of the Year and is being supportive (like she told me to be...ok, maybe I'm not totally "OK.") There she was with her screechy voice, talking non-stop with another mom. She did not shut up the whole game. She talked about everybody. Every so often their voices would drop and they would whisper and look over at someone. I assumed that was when the less than flattering things were being said.
As I was sitting behind them, most of what they said carried back. "Do all them kids live with her? Are they all brothers and sisters? Or are they half?" On and on it went. As I sat there, I realized I had nothing to feel guilty about and my crime was much less than I was giving myself credit for. Just like this other mom was answering or asking questions in the back in forth repartee, so too did I in past conversations with this woman. It is just the type of conversations she has.
I am the type of person that I immediately take ownership of my faults. It does me no good at all to not acknowledge them. How can I grow and evolve in this lifetime if I don't even admit I have anything to work on? When she accused me of talking about people, I acknowledged that as my truth. I realized that every conversation with her somehow led to talking about people. Like I've said before, she would bash people. She would say horribly hurtful, mean things. I have gone over and over my part in these conversations and have found peace. I never, EVER told anybody's personal business. I never, EVER said anything mean about anybody. I never judged, I never was hurtful. It was normal conversation. When someone talks about someone's situation, you ask questions or you contribute something. It's natural. We all do it.
I told my husband after the game, when he inquired how I was, that really I was ok. I felt nothing. I felt no loss or sadness. I could actually sit there and pretend I didn't know her and really not have to put very much effort into the act. She is toxic. She is mentally unstable. If I get super honest, I've never liked her. She has annoyed me since day one. I don't like anything about her and I've been required to have a "friendship" with her for 18 years. It was difficult. I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from me, a dark cloud has moved along after years of blocking the sun. It feels more honest this way. The hypocrisy can be put to bed and I can just ignore her and that feels more "right" to me.
When my friendship with the "other one" ended, I admit in one way, it was a good thing. However, I did miss her. I was sad and felt the loss because she and I did on some level click. We had interesting conversations, we found humor in many of the same things and she interested me. When she was out of my life, there was a void. I genuinely thought of her as a friend. It took me a long time to let that go because I wished things could have been different. With this one, I'm relieved. I sense an evil in her that is only going to get worse before it gets better. I am glad I will not have to even pretend to care when she falls apart. Maybe then she will be able to get honest with herself. Although, if history repeats itself, she will just find someone else to blame.
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