People Disappoint Me

After my facebook drama, I decided to go through my friends and delete alot of local people.  If you live by me and we NEVER communicate on facebook, I decided we did not need to be friends on there.  Whatever happened to just having "real" friendships?

I deleted about 35 people.  I deleted all of my husband's friends.  Why was I friends with them to begin with?  If they need to know something shouldn't they just ask my husband?  One of his friends sent a text "as head of  the ________ family...."  He told me they were glad they didn't make the cut.  This was a family who I have prepared TONS of food for when they had a death.  We are always at their house and they at mine.  I considered them such close friends.  I was so hurt.

I wrote back and told him I was hoping we could just be real friends like we were before facebook.  Of course he wrote back, "no problem here. I don't care for facebook anyway."  Ok, I guess problem solved.  I just could not get over his first text.  After years of friendship, his whole family was glad they weren't my friends anymore?  I loved this family.  I felt so close to them.  He couldn't take back those words now that they were typed.  I so wish he had just asked why they were deleted rather than the way he handled it.  That I could have gotten over.  That I could have understood.  The way he did it, I just don't get.

I have been so disappointed by people this week.  I guess I expect everyone to be like I am.  If someone had deleted me on facebook, I am the type of person that would go up to them in public and be like, "ohhh, I don't know if I can talk to you anymore, we're not facebook friends!"  I would tease them for a minute and then assume they use facebook for other things.  I like to keep in touch with friends and family from my past or who are far away.  I feel so utterly connected to the girl I used to be.  The carefree, happy girl of my youth.  I don't think I even knew what anger or sadness were back then.  I just had a lightness about me.

I was on the phone with my mom when I received that text.  She said it was the first time she has ever heard me cry.  I mean, I assume I cried when I was a baby but I have never cried in front of my parents since I can remember.  She said it was the first time she has ever heard me sad.  She told me she can always count on me to be cheerful and positive, no matter what is going on.  She said I always make her feel good and everyone who has ever met me or spoken to me on the phone has always come up to her afterward and told her what a pleasant person I am.  She said, "it doesn't matter if you spoke to them for two minutes on your walk around the park, they always come up to me and say how lovely you are to speak with."  She said everyone loves me and I shouldn't let those people hurt me.

Logically, I know this.  The woman who went so crazy on me told me that friends are never trustworthy and are never as good as you think they are.  I defended my friends.  I told her, mine are.  We will always be there for eachother, whether we see eachother never or every day, I feel that connectedness.  I am learning who those friends are though.  Some, who I thought were true, are proving disappointing.  Others, who I barely knew, are proving a pleasant surprise.  I pity the woman who hates me so.  I feel sorry that she will never know a true, loyal friend.

I have gotten bare bones honest with myself.  I have replayed our conversations in my head, wondering if I was deluding myself or projecting.  I can honestly say, I have not said a mean thing about a person (well, that's not entirely true, I have said VERY mean things about the two women who I have fought with in my adulthood).  I talked about situations with this woman.  The normal things we ALL talk about.  So and so is getting divorced, he's moving out, she's keeping the house, etc.  SHE is the type who defames peoples' characters.  She speaks about THEM rather than their lives.  She judges and accused me of that.  WRONG!  I cannot even believe I got sucked into it for a minute.  I know me.  I know I wouldn't do it and I can't believe I even had to pause to wonder.  She has an amazing ability to lie, to others and herself.  I don't know if it's mental illness or a coping mechanism, but every thing she said I do is her.  I need to know that and move on.

In the midst of all of this my brother tried to commit suicide.  He is a horrible alcoholic.  He had 14 or 15 years sober and fell off of the wagon a couple of years ago.  The decline is so much faster than the first go round.  I don't know how serious it is.  He is not reaching out to our family and we have learned there is nothing you can do for an alcoholic until they are ready for help.  He is very much the type who likes pity.  I have a friend who is in contact with him and she and a group of people are trying to give him some tough love and help him.  I'm trying to understand that I cannot control the situation but of course that's easier said than done.  I want to fix it.  I just want him to live a normal life.

I guess this week is going to be learning about things I can't control and learning how to live with that.  I just wish the big life lessons didn't have to be so hard.