I get so frustrated with myself. I resolve that I will behave and think a certain way and I end up being sucked into the darkness that has become my world. I vow I will not go there and then I find myself with my old comfortable friend, negativity, and can't figure out how it happened.
I have to be stronger. I have to be in control of myself. How do I call myself an evolved human being when I cannot control my most base impulses? I say and do whatever pops into my small mind. I have never been this person. I have been able to be silent through the most trying times in my life. Why can't I summon that strength now? I feel the words gathering in my mouth, tumbling over eachother in their haste to be released. I feel the spite and anger racing eachother to see who will be first to attack. I have a moment's pause, but just a moment, before I release the hounds.
He wants to fight. He wants to disagree. He wants to vent his frustration with his unhappiness in our lives somewhere and I am convenient. I know this. I know I cannot give him what he wants. I know until I close my mouth, this will be our relationship. I am the only one who can change what I don't like about my life. I am trying so hard. I want so badly the life I dream of when I close my eyes and just let my mind wander.
I am so peaceful at those times. I am so happy. I am meant to be a happy person. Some people are comfortable being argumentative and 'right' all of the time. It's never been very important to me to be right. That is a huge reason we are in the mess we are. I should have been forceful years ago. I had no idea that I needed to be that way to make my husband really hear me and respect me. That disappoints me.
I want a husband who will listen, really listen. I want a husband who will talk, really talk. I want his opinion. I want him to share whatever pops into his head. I am so open to anything. I love that people are so diverse and full of different opinions and lifestyles. It fascinates me. I am so open to change in my life. I could be a rich snob. I could be a granola-eating hippie. I could be a career mogul. I could be a crafty housewife. I love the fact that I am never committed to any one path in my life.
I will try harder. I know I am strong. I know I am able. If I want to approach my life with nothing but positivity, it may be ignorant, but it is what I wish. I will have fun on this vacation. I will not let his moods affect me. This will be my biggest challenge. I find on the days when I can REALLY ignore him and his foulness, I do find a measure of contentedness. I find my peace. I can do this.
There's a big difference between petty arguing and stating what you want, need, or believe. I have a feeling you do more of the latter. You're not being silent because silence doesn't work. We reach a point where keeping silent to keep the situation 'calm' doesn't work. It doesn't change him and it eventually internally combusts on you. Go on vacation girl, be direct with him, tell him you need time away from him and then actually DO IT. Go against the grain. He will protest, he will argue, he will probably even demand it not happen and try to tag along but ya know what... it would be the same story if you were with him 24/7. What do you have to lose? Maybe you'll actually gain a few days of peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy because I am meeting a friend from college down there. Her husband wants to do some outings with our daughter since they don't have one of their own, lol. She is so enthused. My friend wants to hang on the beach and I'm thinking she has a good idea. You are right. We will fight if I go with the program or if I buck it so what do I have to lose.
ReplyDeleteI do do more of the latter but I admit, I have just gotten petty. I can't shut up. I feel stupid. I feel like I have no pride. He says something and I just answer so he doesn't get the last word. That is SO not me. I could care less about dumb stuff like that. I am really not liking who I am. I don't even recognize myself and it's disappointing.
Well you go and have yourself a good time doing nothing on the beach! Get in a few games so your motherly support your son duties are fulfilled and then you're good to go.
DeleteMaybe you should try a new tactic... just continually agree with whatever comes out of his mouth. "of course, yep, you're right, ok whatever, uh-huh..." then of course do whatever you want but maybe he will get so annoyed he'll stop talking to you. You'll have the last laugh!
I hope you can enjoy your time away, and just look past the rest. Do what makes you happy and if he wants to join you in the fun so be it, if he wants to bring you down invite him to go somewhere else, either way make you happy.
ReplyDeleteWhen you smile the world smiles with you, and if they don't screw them!!
Thanks all! I really am going to try to have a good attititude and just enjoy myself. Life is too short to purposely head into it with a negative mind set. I CAN control how this turns out for me. My son did say that he will probably get in a few games because these games don't "count." That's uplifting right there. I would love to see him play in the big fields in his first tournament!
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