Warning: If you do not want to read an endless rant of self-pity, look away now. There will be no positive spin on things. There will be no evolved self-inspection. There will be no reason or thought, just a miserable list of things I hate.
I am exhausted by my life. Wake up, work out, clean house, walk dog, do laundry, fix meals, organize everyone's lives, go to bed, rinse, repeat. I am not physically exhausted. Let's face it, I could be a monkey and do what I do. I am mentally exhausted by the monotony and boredom of it. I am sick and tired of keeping track of schedules that never have one single thing on them for me. Just for me.
Perhaps if I had a loving, happy relationship I would find more satisfaction in my life but that is NOT going to happen. I know that now. Any delusions I had of this marriage are just that. I am sick to death of trying to find some shred of anything to hang onto and weave back into a marriage. It is completely one-sided and at this point, stupid. Again, yesterday my husband said something about how he treats me with respect and talks nicely to me and it is ALL me creating the drama. UGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He is crazy. I'm not being sarcastic here. The dude is mentally ill. I am married to someone who belongs in a psych center and I am trying to stay married to him and find happiness. I take that back. I am crazy. I am beyond crazy. I have crossed over into an area that is not in any psychological journal at this point. How can I expect him to change his behavior when he will not acknowledge said behavior? Oh that's right Kir, you can't!!
In his mind, he is a victim. He is a man who married a woman who is a witch and he must suffer his private Hell in silence. If I'm such a shrew, why wouldn't he just want to divorce me? Lord knows, I've asked for one enough. Why would he want to stay married to me until we die if I am so unbearable? The worst part of this is, I have given everything I have to this family. I have given more than I ever thought was even in my being to make everyone around me happy. He discredits that fact every time he says something stupid.
Now I have an opinion and a voice and I'm a witch? I see. I am supposed to sit and suffer in silence and never express any discontent. I am supposed to be thankful for a life which is so much worse than anything I could have conjured up in my worst nightmares. I am a prisoner. I can have no friends. I am isolated from my family by distance and lack of funds to bridge that distance. I can't go out. I can't even go to the grocery store. I have no car. I have no money. I have nothing but a desire to not give in to a life which is sucking me under more with every day that passes.
I am so mentally drained that I can't even implement a plan to get myself out of the mess I'm in. I KNOW I can do it. I know I HAVE to do it. I just can't move. It is taking every ounce of energy I have to drag myself out of bed every day and try to function. To have this stupid moron tell me that the reason we are unhappy is MY fault is more than I can handle right now.
It's my fault he's miserable? It's my fault he's a financial idiot? It's my fault he has a disgusted ugly look on his face every day he is around us? It's my fault he has no sex-drive? It's my fault he can't even figure out his wife may want to be shown she is loved in other ways? It's my fault he can't handle raising his own children and provide for them? It's my fault that his idea of a good time is sitting at his parents house? It's my fault he's already an old man? It's my fault that everything intellectually challenges him because his brain cannot grasp the most basic concepts? It's my fault the only place he can laugh and be happy is at work? It's my fault that he is CONSTANTLY texting and talking to guys from work all day every day? It's my fault he has no clue how to have a relationship with his kids? It's my fault he is losing his wife and the only thing he can think of to resolve that is to blame her and push her away faster and further?
Fine. I have broad shoulders. I can handle the blame. If this is his plan, that he is going to blame me when this is over, I can live with that. The scariest part of this is, I always tell him, someday when he is alone and quiet in his mind, he is going to realize the truth. He is going to realize that I gave him every opportunity to keep me. He is going to realize it is ALL his fault. I have never had any desire to leave my husband. I never wanted to be a divorced woman. He is going to realize that the way to deal with these issues when I brought them up would have been to have conversations and come up with solutions. Not to say, "YOU do this and the kids will see the truth someday." What truth? They live here. I take complete ownership of my bad behavior. I acknowledge it and tell him I don't like it and want it to end. The only one living in a lie is him. Sadly, I think he is the type of man who even when he is alone, he will continue to believe the lies he has created. He will never evolve or grow up.
I am done.
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