Happy Birthday?

It's my birthday.  I am 44 years old.  I am a mess.  Who woulda thunk it?

I always dreamed I'd be so settled at this age.  I'd be sliding into a peaceful, middle-aged complacency.  I never imagined I would be this volatile, angry beast.  Every day, I go through the motions and make it just one more day forward.  I smile when appropriate, I speak when spoken to, I keep house, I work out.  I am existing.  I am functioning (barely) and I'm miserable. 

I want to be joyful.  I will myself to be happy.  Inside, it's just not there.  We are getting along.  Well, we are not fighting.  I'm not going insane and punching him, so I guess this is progress.

My son and I were talking the other day and he said, "Mom, you are happy."  I said, "Well, if happy means insane then yes, I am deliriously so."  He told me that my husband and I are fine.  All couples have problems and fight sometimes but we are good more than bad.  I looked right at him and said, "I am nuts.  Have you not noticed the possession going on here?"

He said I was fine.  It really got me thinking.  Am I thinking too much?  Am I trying for perfection when mediocrity should suffice?  Is this just a phase and I'll snap out of it?  Is this all bigger in my own mind than what is showing? 

I don't want to be rash.  I don't want to make a decision that will affect every single aspect of my future in a split second or in anger.  However,  I don't want to be stupid either or taken advantage of.  I'm really wondering how much of my "crazy" is me feeling like I just keep giving in and never voicing my wants or needs and it has all built up and now I'm constantly on edge.

I think I'm done.  I cannot even drum up enthusiasm for the mission anymore.  Doesn't that mean I've given up?  I don't think I want this.  I look at him and don't want to love him.  I dream about my next love.  I fantasize about meeting that guy who's going to sweep me off my feet and appreciate me until the day we die together (ok, I'm not sure how much of this is because I just read 50 Shades of Grey and being celibate, it's all about the fantasizing at this point!). 

I just know, I am changing.  Maybe the shell still looks and sounds the same but I know inside, I am undergoing a complete metamorpheses.  I guess only time will tell what that means.