What can I say? What can't I say? He's here. I'm here. Nothing's changed. Oh, Kiraly, but that's the story of your life. He knows this. That's why when you have a breakdown, he patiently waits for you to get over yourself and carries on. He's got this all figured out.
I wish I could wallow in self-pity. I wish I could just lie down and not get up for things that have to be done. This is my problem. I have such a strong sense of responsibility. Even though I don't necessarily want to do things, I will. It's ingrained in me. I will not slack. He knows this and he knows that even if I have that "moment," once there are things that have to be taken care of, I will be up and at 'em.
I'm trying so hard to morph back into an independent being. I am putting every ounce of energy I have into remembering Kiraly. Not the wife. Not the mother. Just the girl that used to be me. I used to laugh insatiably every day. I had energy in abundance. I loved to dance. I never dance any more. I never left the dance floor when I was young. Now when we go to the odd wedding and I have a chance to dance, it's a problem. He does not dance. He used to. He never loved it but he used to humor me. Now he claims he never did. Well, I beg to differ. I would NEVER have married a guy that hates to dance. I'm not saying he has to be Fred Astaire but it's about jumping around and having fun. It such a blast if you don't overthink it and just move.
In fact, we rarely have any fun anymore. Last weekend, I went to a friend's house after my son's ballgame. We had one rum and coke which turned into a bottle. Then we got a ride over to another friend's house and kept the party going until LATE into the night. I was drunk. Not buzzed but drunk to the point where when I woke up in the morning I was still drunk. I drink but it's usually a couple of cocktails or wine with dinner. I never really get loaded. Well, let me tell you, I made up for it that night. I loved every minute of it. My husband came over when I was MIA for a few hours and he ended up staying.
That didn't even bother me. Even though I had made up my mind not to speak to him again, I was so in the zone that I didn't even think about him being there. I decided I was going to say and do what I wanted and his opinion be damned. I wasn't going to worry if he was going to shush me or judge me or give me a dirty look. I couldn't care less. When he met me he loved me because I was wild and the life of the party. Since we've been married he has put every ounce of his effort into trying to kill that in me. On one hand, I hate attention. On the other hand, I don't really care what people think of me so when I'm in a moment I'm not really thinking about who's looking at me or saying what. I'm about having fun at that time. Nothing is so dreadful that it can't be laughed at later.
I had a ball. You know what? When he asked me the next morning how I felt, I told him, "I'm pretty sure I'm still drunk." No apologies. No recriminations. I really didn't care what he thought of that. Ironically, he chose to take it well. Normally, he would start in on me. "Well, you did this and said that and were slurring, blah, blah, blah..." I didn't give him a chance. I told him that I knew things weren't going to go well when after two drinks I went into the house and saw two of everything and bounced off of every surface. I hadn't eaten and was out in the sun for hours at the ball game. That and alcohol is a lethal combination. Normally, I'd switch to water. This time, I sent him to the liquor store for more rum.
I'm all done apologizing for being me. He knew who I was when he married me. I've changed as much as I'm willing to. In fact, I really liked me a whole lot better before a husband and kids. I was mellow. I was fun. I didn't take life too seriously. I was not all drama and trauma. This new persona is exhausting. I don't even want to get out of bed. What's the point? It's time he changes.
We are done talking. We are done negotiating. We are done trying. I need to find the old me and get back to the business of living MY life, not the life I think I should be living. I will get there. It's slow going but I have faith in me.
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