Snapped!

Well, it's happened.  I wondered how long I could control myself.  I lost my mind last night.  I actually physically went after my husband.  I now know what it feels like to be possessed.

There has been a fragile peace in our home.  I have been too tired to keep talking about the same things.  It's obvious nothing is going to change so I've been just plugging away at this thing called life and not worrying too much about my marriage. 

We discovered there may be some medical issues which are causing my husband's wild behavior.  He does not have a follow-up appointment until June so I was just waiting.  I don't want him to have a medical problem but I have to admit, it would have been a relief.  When I say this man is a stranger to me, that is NOT an understatement.  Some of the "symptoms" of what may be wrong with him are mood swings, irritability, and mental confustion.  I would say that sums it up.  I was kind of hoping that I could just blame the last couple of years on poor health, forgive it all and start over with my new healthy husband.

I realized last night that will be impossible.  I am broken.  I am keeping a tentative hold on my sanity and it's slipping away bit by bit.  I knew I was repressing.  I knew I had resentment and hostility and anger bottled up.  I had no idea it was simmering so close to the surface.  I had no idea I was a ticking time bomb just waiting to explode.

It started at dinner.  My son and I were discussing his impending trip to Spain this summer.  My husband had not been told yet about it.  I just don't tell him anything anymore because I'm tired of the inevitable disagreements.  Right away he started asking financial questions.  Is there a fund raiser?  How much is this going to cost?  I told him not to worry about it.  I've been looking into some jobs and plan on getting one soon so I would cover his trip.  One thing led to another and I said, "Why did you want this family?  Why did you want children?  I feel like we are a burden to you and all you do is complain about how much we cost you."

He put his hand up (in the "talk to the hand" gesture.)  I told him not to.  He said, "I just did."  I lost my mind.  I told him I am not some accessory that he gets to ignore and treat like a dog.  I told him I am sick and tired of him not letting me have any input in our lives and him always trying to silence me.  I told him for someone who wants to save our marriage and show me he loves me, he sure has a funny way of doing so.  Of course, I got the "but it's ok that you do it?"

I exploded.  I screamed that I wish I'd never laid eyes on him.  I asked him where the hell our money is.  We paid off our debt only to have bigger financial issues.  Nothing was changing, everything was just getting worse and I couldn't take it.  He was looking at me with that disgusted look on his face and I just started punching him as I was screaming.  I wanted to hurt him.  I am so sick of trying to fix him while inside I am shattering into a million tiny little pieces.  I am tired of being patient and thoughtful while he does NOTHING to change.  I am sick of his lies and excuses and deflection and blame.  If he wants to blame me for behaving badly, at least now he has something to back it up.

Then I went to the attic and grabbed a suitcase.  I started grabbing whatever I could find and throwing it in.  I took a little break to sob hysterically on my bedroom floor.  My daughter came in and helped me pack.  I told her I just can't do it any more.  I told her not to be sad but I had to go because I was going to literally go crazy if I didn't.  She said she understood and told me I was the strongest, most brave woman she knew and that she loves me very much.  I knew her heart was breaking and she still knew it was best that I go.

I went downstairs and of course my husband was waiting at the door.  He actually waved (in a super mocking way).  I told him, "I hope that was really the last thing you wanted to share with me because you are STILL not getting this."  Then he told me that none of that had to happen because he had only asked about a fund raiser and "it didn't need to go there."  Then of course he told me if I left the kids weren't getting to school the next day.  Then he told me he hoped I was happy that our daughter was upstairs crying her eyes out.

I said that indeed, I was not happy.  I also said that I have NEVER put myself before the happiness of my kids so I think me leaving was pretty indicative of just how bad things were.  I couldn't stay.  I could not endure one more moment with this idiot.  Then I pointed out that he STILL was not getting it.  His wife was leaving him and the only thing he could think to say to me was how it was all my fault.  He acted the way he did because I acted the way I did.  More deflection.  I told him things were never going to change because he cannot even own his behavior so how was he going to change it?

Then he said, "it's ok that you punched me and attacked me?"  I said, "NOOOOO!!!!!  It is NOT ok.  I have become an animal.  I am not ok with being insane."  He told me I was crazy.  I agreed 100%.  I am crazy.  In the attempt to do what I thought was right, I have lost my mind.  That was exactly why I had to go.  He did not get it.  I feel like he just has no clue.  He said that I flip flop.  I tell him I love him and want to stay married and then I want to leave.

I explained that when I tell him what is in my heart, I mean that.  I tell him I do NOT want a divorce.  I want to love him and be happy like we used to be.  When I say that, I mean it.  Just because I want it, does not mean it can be.  If we cannot live together without this dysfunction than that dream will never be realized.  I told him that we both agreed to work to make this marriage last and I have not seen one change in him.  I am all done doing it alone.  He wants me to shut up and things to go back to the way they were and that's not happening.

He followed me out to the car and wouldn't get out.  I told him that he is waiting for me to roll over.  I told him that is my fault as well.  Every major decision that we have ever made, I rolled over.  We got married where he wanted to.  We had a huge wedding because he wanted to.  We lived where he wanted in the house that he wanted.  We had two kids because he wanted them.  He made promises that if I gave in on these things that I would get the things I wanted later.  It's been 22 years and I have not gotten one thing yet.  More lies.

He told me to stay and that he would go today.  It makes sense.  If I leave, I will go to Connecticut.  That is the only place that I would feel comfortable.  If he leaves, he can go to his parents in town.  I told him that was fine but he is going.  If he doesn't, I am leaving and no second chances.  I also told him if he makes me put my kids through what they went through last night again, those little punches will be nothing compared to what I will do to him.