He's still here. There was a baseball game yesterday and a meeting at school. He took the game and I attended the meeting. After the baseball game, he dropped my daughter at dance and then was home.
I asked him why he was here. He said because "we" decided that we were going to work through this and one of us would stay upstairs and one down. I clarified that the night before we said we were doing that overnight because it was too late for him to go to his parents' house by the time things calmed down. I asked him if he remembered promising that he would leave if I did not go to Connecticut. Then I said, "More lies?"
He said, "we are going to work through this. We always do. I'm not going anywhere." I asked him what part of this he was not understanding. I also informed him I totally understand why he would think that because that is what I always do. I threaten and never follow through. He has become my unruly toddler who has no idea what my limits are because they are never enforced. There is no bottom line. Why would he think this time is any different?
I told him that I wished he had just let me go when I was angry. I couldn't believe I was walking out of the house on my children but that spoke to me. That is a desperate woman. Especially when I have rarely in almost 18 years even gone out without my kids. Everything I do, I want them to do. If we go to dinner, I want them with us. I just love being with them all of the time. I know I'm supposed to want adult time and girl time but I'm just not programmed that way. It's going so quickly. I only have them for such a short time and then they are going to be adults, off living their own lives. Even when they were toddlers, everything was just more fun and somehow better with them. Dinner out was an adventure and I loved seeing every new experience through their eyes. Everything was equally thrilling to them and it made me appreciate the small things.
Calm, rational Kiraly is back in place. I don't think I can walk out on them again. I didn't want to go the other night but I was distraught. I was actually afraid of myself. I have never, ever experienced that kind of emotion. It was pure rage. Honestly, I didn't think I had it in me. I sobbed. I thought my heart was breaking. My mind was chanting, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" and I was powerless. I have never lost conrol of myself like that. When I was a child, growing up in a family of nine (eight girls), let's just say there was plenty of drama. I never got involved. In fact one of my sisters, who spent tons of time with me growing up told my family that they must love having me for a mom. She assumed I was sweet and never yelled. We quickly corrected that assumption. Just being a wife and mom has brought out a side of me I struggle with.
I hate being the disciplinarian. I actually went to our pediatrician and cried when my kids were very young. I told her that I felt like a shrew. All I did all day was say no and "correct." I hated it. My husband worked so obviously I was doing the bulk of the child-rearing. She told me that I had a choice. Either I could deal with my discomfort for a few years or have disrespectful, ill-behaved kids. Since the latter was not even an option, I sucked it up. She assured me it would only be for a few years that they would test me and then they would know their limits and things would smooth out. She was absolutely right. I don't think I've really had to discipline my childrent since around age 5. They know if I say it, it will happen so they don't push my limits. I just correct and we carry on.
I had to leave the other night. It was not optional. When I came back in and went to my kids to tell them that plans had changed and their dad was going to leave the next day, my daughter was just sitting in bed crying. She was trying so hard to be brave and supportive but tears were just leaking out of her eyes, despite her attempt to halt them. I don't think I can do that to her again. This self-centered dolt does not even realize that this is not a game. We cannot put our children through this at whim. She was dealing with those emotions and coming to terms with the fact I was going. Then I'm sure she processed the fact that her dad was going to be staying with his parents for a while. Now everyone is right here in dysfunctionville. He just doesn't get it.
These are people. They cannot deal with loss and pain and these complex emotions every day. He knows I won't do it to them in a rational state. He was counting on that. He may have won this battle but I am back to strategizing and I will win the war.
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