Well, luckily for me, I am so mercurial that moods don't often last long in my world. I do believe I am snapped out of my "depressed" phase and just plain angry. I think things have been just trudging along and that was why I lost my enthusiasm. It made me second guess. That's over.
My husband wanted an argument last night. I refused to speak to him. He would not shut up so I finally said that I was not engaging in behavior that better suits two children on a playground. The back and forth petty, ugliness is over. Of course, his response, "Oh, but it's ok the way you talk to me?" (He really needs to get a new comeback). I pointed out that it was not ok but if he's noticed I have not been snapping. I have been putting every ounce of effort I have to not point out every snarky, nasty thing that comes out of his mouth in a day.
Then I told him I was actually considering coming to him and telling him I just wanted to start over. I wanted to clean the slate, forget all of the ugliness and move forward in a positive, healthy way for the sake of our family. I was glad last night that he showed me, yet again, how impossible that is. I pointed out that once he is in a behavior, it is impossible for him to change. It just becomes him. He cannot grasp the concept of change or growth. Honestly, that is the most frustrating part of my life right now. I have NEVER in my life met a person who just doesn't understand that he has complete control over his behavior and the outcome of his life.
He does not grasp that if he could just control himself this would be over. If he could remember the way he used to speak to me and treat me, all would be done. I'm not a mean person. I'm not a controlling person. I am the most forgiving person I know and I can get past almost anything. I would have forgiven him everything. I just want peace. He can't do it. He will not change. Last night really turned the lights on for me. This will not happen because I will it. I know he loves me. I know he wants our marriage to work. He just cannot comprehend that he has the power to make that happen. I don't have the strength to carry us both any more.
I needed last night. I needed that slap in the face. I paced around and fumed and then sat down to blog. He muttered in the background the whole time about me "making stuff up" etc. How can he even say this stuff when what happened JUST transpired two minutes ago? Then he sarcastically called out from the living room asking if I could set up a facebook page and a blog for him so he could go write stuff after it happens. This is what I'm dealing with. I can't. He is a child. He has no clue how to be a man. He has no clue how to be a father or a husband.
He spends so much time emulating me that he has lost his opportunity to forge relationships with his children. He is so busy worrying and wondering how I would talk to them that he's lost the ability to just talk. He never just speaks to them as himself. He is so busy "correcting" things that aren't wrong that he's wasting their entire childhoods. He is going to have so many regrets. I cannot worry about that though. The love I have for him wants me to spare him that but at the end of the day this is his life.
I have to make a life for myself. This life isn't mine. I am not me. I want to wake up and look in the mirror and see the happy, joyful person I have always been. I don't want to stare at this defeated, burdened person. She is a stranger. I'm not comfortable any longer and I have to take back control. It is the only way to salvage what's left of the Kiraly I knew.
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