I am in a very 'panicky' mode lately. I have no idea what it's all about. I have been compulsive and anxiety-ridden. I have been organizing and cleaning and doing it all over again.
I don't know if it's because after one more Regents exam (happening as I type), I am officially the mother of a high school senior and a junior. I have no idea where the time has gone. I feel like I should have years left with my children home. In one short year, my son will be off to college and my daughter will follow immediately behind. I haven't a clue how this has happened.
I had so many plans. I had so many things we were going to do and see. I have wasted years just being crazy. I am so angry about that. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I am, by nature, a stressfree, relaxed person. I was supposed to ride that out until death. I have been questioning and fretting and screaming for years and I'm just plain mad. This was NOT supposed to be part of the blueprint the kids carry into adulthood. They were supposed to have only idyllic memories of their formative years in this household.
I feel like when they were younger, we did have a really happy home. I was all I wanted to be in a mom and we had a family that I was proud of. I am so disappointed in myself. I wish I could have kept a lid on all of this for a few more years until they went away to school. I just wasn't strong enough. I tried. I really tried. I wanted to insulate them against the negative. I wanted to be able to be ignored and feel unloved and never let them know it bothered me. At some point, I just snapped and I'm so remorseful.
I think once I got into my 40's, I realized how much time I am really wasting in a life that is so unhappy. Could I stay with my husband and ride out this lifestyle? Absolutely. If I keep my mouth shut, we are fine. Lately, I just don't say anything. I'm tired of talking. I'm tired of the same old arguments and issues. They are not going to change. I have written the script and it's still not going to change so why would I bother to waste more energy on this? I've just been going about my days, hanging with the kids and trying to turn around my attitude and my behavior. After all, that is the only thing I can truly have control over. I cannot make a man into something I think he should be. He either wants to try or he doesn't. I've given up and don't care.
I'm wasting more time. I actually sit and fantasize about my life with another man now. I see me loving him with all of the love I have to give someone else. When I love another, it is fiercely. I am passionate and demonstrative. I am almost possessive in my love. I want him. I want him consumed by me, thoughts of me, memories of me. I want to creep, uninvited into his thoughts in his mundane day. I want him to smile with some memory or thought of what is yet to come. I don't do 'easy' love. I have always told my husband that. I do active love. I don't get lazy and take it for granted.
I think my panic stems from the fact that I know, without doubt, I am wasting more time. I have so many regrets. So much I wish I had appreciated when I was in the moment. I look back and think of how I would stress about things that were perfectly fine. So much wasted time. So much regret. It's all crystallizing. I'm so reflective and in turn pensive.
I want this to pass. For I know, it too, shall. Am I going to look back on this phase and wish I'd not stressed so much? Or is this the catalyst? Is this going to be the life-changer? I wish I had a crystal ball. I wish life were as easy as it was when I was young, laying on a beach, wondering whether it was time to flip. Or maybe it is and I just don't know it yet.
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