Ok, so court wasn't so bad. At first I went into the wrong courtroom and there were inmates in bright orange jumpers and people who looked like they made a living sitting in those chairs, waiting to be called before the judge. After I sat down and listened for a bit, I quickly decided I would just find out where to pay my ticket. There was no way I was sitting in there all day. I found where we "lesser offenders" were supposed to be and it was much less intimidating so I decided to wait it out.
I was literally sick with dread. I was shaking, my stomach was queasy and I thought I really just couldn't do it. I am the type of person that I avoid situations that make me uncomfortable. I hate confrontation, I hate awkwardness so I tend to just avoid things that make me feel like that. I know it's unrealistic. Had I never had children, maybe I would have been able to live pretty closely to my comfort level. However, since becoming a mom, I have found myself in ALL kinds of uncomfortable spots. They have no voice and I'm it. I have spoken for them more than I thought myself possible. I do find it very hard to speak for myself still.
I was second to last to go. The judge was just lovely. There is no other word for him. He was kind and compassionate. He had empathy for the people before him and tried to the best of his ability to work with them and their circumstances. The DA was obliging to his wishes and it was just such a positive experience. I actually found myself enjoying the morning. I had a new found respect for our justice system and my faith was restored in humanity. Not everyone in a position of power abuses it. I see so many people on the news taking advantage of their position that I think I had lost hope that there were still people out there trying to do the right thing.
Of course, when it was actually my turn to tell my tale, my hands and voice were both shaking. It was all good while sitting in the courtroom but being up there was still intimidating. He was kindness personified. The DA was gentle and sympathetic. Even the courtroom officer was looking at me with encouragement when I was speaking. After hearing my story, it was decided I needed to get some information from my insurance company and guess what? I have to go back!
I'm not terrified of the concept now. I'm actually looking forward to it. It was nice to have to get "dressed" and be somewhere. I'm beginning to wonder how much of "our" problems are my lack of purpose. I'm a stay at home mom to two teens. Other than a maid, laundress and driver, what am I doing with my life? I think I need more. It felt so good to see people, to be in a different situation and experience something out of my element. That is where I thrive, in everchanging situations.
I really have to buckle down and get a job. Even if it's part-time, I need something to do. I'm too intelligent and easily bored to be constantly trying to entertain myself at home. I mean how much stimulation can I provide myself? I need outside influence. I try. Lord knows, I try to challenge myself and mix it up but I'm at the end of that road.
I really hope that this huge negative experience will jumpstart something positive. I always look for the silver lining, the rainbow after the storm. It's what keeps me sane (well, as sane as I can be right now). I'm going to start that momentum and make something good happen. It's the only way I know.
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