Today is my husband's doctor appointment. I have no idea why but I have had a sense of foreboding about his health for over a year now. I have literally been begging him to get a check up because I just had a weird feeling something is off.
He is not at all the same. I know he has been depressed and stressed and therefore tired all of the time. His sex drive used to be super strong and has been waning for years now. We once went an entire year with no intimacy, zero, zilch. This is NOT normal for a man just hitting his mid-forties. I thought for a long time he must be having an affair. Then I prayed he was. It would have explained so many of the changes in our relationship.
His mood swings and downright hurtfulness are so out of character for him that I have begun to suspect something is just off with his health. He always looks so tired and haggard. I always feel guilty because I work out and eat well and unless something is really bothering me, I sleep well. I don't work and I feel like all of the stress falls on him and it must be such a burden. Granted, I quit my job because everyone in the house wanted me too but I still feel guilt.
Getting a job has become a major priority for me. I want one I will be in for years. After all, I am just starting to build for my retirement. I have a long time to make up for if I want any type of security in my old age. I also think, as much as everyone says they don't want me to work, that contributing financially will take some stress off of my husband.
The kids are costing a boatload right now. Two thousand dollars for a trip to Spain (that does not include spending money), $300+ for recital costumes, $300 for baseball tournament team, $500 deductible for car accident this month, $150 dance tuition, etc. These are just the bills due right now. I know it is hard. Even with so many bills paid off, our loan payment over, I do understand what a huge responsibility being financially responsible for our family is.
I don't think that's all that's bothering him though. He is out like a light the minute he sits down. Again, this could be depression. He goes through the motions of what he has to do all day and when that second of free time pops up, he uses it sleeping. It's just so sad to me. We are young. He should not be so tired yet. Our evenings could be so much more fun and productive if he acted our age. He literally just doesn't have the energy.
I hope I'm being fanciful. I hope, once again, I am making things bigger than they are. I think I just want an explanation so badly that I cling to each excuse. If he's sick, that would explain things. If he's depressed, that will explain things. If he's having an affair, that will explain things. I don't even care that this way of thinking is bizarre.
I'm nervous. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. I hope in this case, I am dead wrong. I hope he comes out of that office healthier than he was when he was 21. I don't think I've ever wanted anything more than this wish today.
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