I'm depressed. I'm depressed that I'm depressed. I started Spring with such enthusiasm and promise and now I feel like it's all been sucked out of me.
I am adrift. I don't want to do anything. I want to lie on the couch and slip in and out of sleep all day. It's so beautiful out. I take the dog for his walk and then hurry back into my cave and shut myself away for the rest of the day. I don't even care that I'm doing it.
I'm tired of being angry. I'm tired of being frustrated. I'm tired of all of the fighting and snapping. Yesterday my son and husband got into a disagreement. My husband has told me a million times not to interfere when he is having an issue with the kids. I have really been trying to respect that request. Right away, he came into the living room and tried to tell me all about it. I told him I didn't want to hear it. He said, "Well, you're gonna hear it." I said, "Have you noticed that the last two days I have been watching incessant tv? There is a reason for that. If I pay enough attention to that, I don't need to remember I'm a participating part of this family." At that, he walked away. I NEVER watch tv so that must have clued him in to exactly how much I'm trying to distract myself.
I don't have the enthusiasm to work out. I have been having a terrible pain in my right hand. I opened the refrigerator one day and I got an excruciating pain as I grabbed the handle. It has hurt since. It does not hurt when I am not touching anything but the minute I try to pick up or push anything, it hurts. Yesterday, I attempted kettlebells just to do something. The pain had moved over to my left palm as well and I thought they were feeling better. After vacuuming the whole house the day before yesterday and then the kettlebells yesterday, by last night my hands just hurt.
Since I just had bloodwork and it all came back fine, I'm wondering if this is not a psychological manifestation of my depression. I wondered how long I could bear my sadness without some affect. Maybe this is where my symptoms decided to show themselves. It makes a very convenient problem to prevent me from doing anything and spending more time sitting and thinking.
I just want to tell my husband that I want to start over. I want to forget all of these last couple of crazy years and see if we can't just move forward and be happy. I know it's impossible though. I have said as much before and he just doesn't understand how to do that. He falls into old patterns more easily than anyone I've ever met. I tell him I want to stop the bickering and arguing, especially with the children. He agrees and the next thing I know, he is fighting with the kids. He has no clue how to stop, really stop, bad habits. He just doesn't get it and I know it won't ever happen.
It's horrible to say but if my kids were not an issue, I'd already be gone. I know this. I'm so scared to change their lives. Despite the dysfunction, they are really great, happy kids. I am never disappointed in them. I don't know a mom of a 16 and 17 year old that can say that. They just always make the right decisions and don't put themselves in situations that could be dangerous. They are great in school, have lots of friends, are well-mannered and pleasant and I'm so afraid to rock the boat.
Rationally, I know staying with things the way they are is not good for them. I know that if I were away from their dad I would be so much happier and in turn a better mom and a better person. I'm so used to burying what I want for everyone else that I think deep down I am trying to find a way that I can suck this up and just make it work. I know I am trying to figure out a way I can shut my mouth, put on my smile and just forget that my relationship with my husband is more of a roommate situation than a love affair. I'm trying to determine if I can go two more years with no physical intimacy, noone ever touching me, no worthwhile conversation, no disagreements because I choose to shut my mouth, not because there are no problems.
I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. I also know I do not want to stay in Elmira or the surrounding area. So, do I move out just to move to Connecticut in two years? Once my kids are in college I am going home. I have tried for 20 years to make this my home and it's just not working. I love the people here but I just don't like the area. I want to be by the beach. I love everything about Connecticut and in my heart, I've always known I'd be back.
I wish I had a crystal ball or a magic wand and this part of my life would be behind me. I don't do sadness often but apparently when I decide to run with it, I pick up the speed of a runaway train and God help anything that gets in my way.
First, depression is no little matter. If you really feel like that is what you have than you must talk to someone about it. It only gets worse untreated, I know, been there done that, and it's no fun.
ReplyDeleteSecond. Never stay with anyone for the sake of the kids. That just is such a bad idea for so many reasons. I know a woman who made the same decision as you, once the kids go I go. Well, she once had a very nice family, one that would have survived anything, now she has an 17 daughter who just had a baby, and a son who is well on his way to becoming a drug addict, but hey she stayed in a misserable relationship to get that! I would seriously rethink that idea, you may think all is well, but if it is really like you say, how can it be??? We never really know what is really effecting our kids until their behaviour shows us. Don't go down that road, it's a very slippery slope.
Lastly, I have been to Elmira many times, what a beautiful area. If you don't fix your problem, moving will do nothing as it will all catch up to you. Fix the problem now, then if you feel like going, go!
I would like to respectfully suggest some serious therapy, along with some good meds to help with the depression. Don't lose who you are just because you are going through a tough time.
Thank you! I defintely need therapy. It's going to help me move...I need the push. Yesterday, I really realized how bad it is. I wish I could take meds. I have been racking my mind to think of one that would help. I'm not anxious so one for anxiety would not help. I'm not chemically depressed. I'm not sure how effectual a prescription would be if the depression is not an actual chemical imbalance. Is it bizarre that I wish I actually had anxiety so I could just get SOMETHING?
ReplyDeleteIt is beautiful here but it's not "home." I love Connecticut. When I am there, I am blissful. My family is there, and so many friends I grew up with are still there or back. I do make the most of the beauty around me here but it's just never felt like home to me. I'm always wanting to move.
I'm not trying to move away from my problems. I know change of location will not do that. When we got married, the plan was to move to CT within a few years. That never happened and I guess I'm tired of waiting. I know staying for the kids is ridiculous. At this point, the dysfunction is more detrimental than the unity.
I did, a while back, make a resolution that I would not be pulled into arguments any more. It wasn't healthy for them and it was making me sick. I have been pretty good at sticking to it. Last night he got ugly and I just told him (because he would NOT let it be) that the childish name-calling and back and forth pettiness was over. Of course, he tried to blame me but I pointed out that I was not participating so he needs a new tune. Thanks for your advice.