I am a stay at home mom, still or again, depending on your perspective. My children are 17 and 16 (well, she will be at the end of this month). The plan was I would go back to work when they hit school. Isn't it funny how plans have a way of changing? I took the first year off as my reward. My husband worked out of town for some of the "babyhood" and then was pretty content to let me be the parent. That was fine by me. By then I had my routine down and mostly I just needed an extra set of hands at times with a toddler and an infant and all the fun that comes with that duo. He was a great dad. He was "fun" dad. He was patient and funny and when he looked at those kids I swear I've never seen anything like it; like he couldn't believe he was part of the creation of such a miracle. We have never been more blissful than when those kids were little. We had our own little cozy unit and we found humor in everything they did. It was as if we thought they were put here just to entertain us. It was work though. On the plus side, I don't think I've ever been thinner! I'm pretty sure I never sat for 4 years at least.
I intended to go back into human services. Before I decided to stay at home I worked with abused/foster children. I loved my work. I felt it was meaningful and that I was making a difference. When I thought long and hard about getting back into it I felt nothing but despair. Now that I had my own children how was I going to keep my hands off of the horrid parents I had to deal with? I cannot describe the horrendous situations I had witnessed, the abuse, the neglect and the ignorant, selfish parents who "loved" their children so much yet treated them like they were inhuman. I had lost my edge. I had lost the ability to treat these kids with objectivity and remember the greater good was the work I was doing. I saw only the vulnerablity and complete dependence a child has on his or her caregiver. They are innocent and trust us to take care of them and half of the kids I "rescued" or cared for had no idea they were not being treated appropriately. I couldn't do it. I had to find another career.
Over the years I've had plenty of jobs. I've been a pre-school teacher, an independent jewelry consultant, I cleaned houses (I had cleaned mine so much, I ran out of things to clean!), and eventually I went back to school for my esthetician's license. I LOVED that job! Best one ever! I am however, home again. Yes, part of the reason for this blog is to process all of this. I know you're asking yourself if you love your job, why are you home? In due time, in due time.
I have learned alot about myself in the past 20 or so years. When I was in college the plan was to get my Phd in Clinical Psychology. Every professor I had said it was the natural fit for me and I was driven to make it happen. I was enrolled in a Master's program at a university in Connecticut after I graduated college. I was never getting married, I was never having kids. I was going to live in NYC for a few years after I got that Phd from Columbia and then settle down in a suburb in Connecticut. Then I got engaged, then I decided to find a grad school in the town where my husband lived and carry out the plan here. It never occurred to my idyllic 24 year old self that the nearest school offering anything even close to the program I wanted was hours away or that I am surrounded by snow belts in the winter making scheduled weekly winter travel precarious at best. I had to replan the life I had dreamed of since the day I entered college. I had to figure out how to make this new life work because beneath it all I loved the man I was with with a fierceness that I had no idea I was even capable of. Was he the "perfect" guy? Was the situation perfect? No, but my soul felt like it would be empty if he wasn't in my life. When you get to know me, you will see how out of character a statement like that is for me.
I need stimulation. I need socialization. I need people who intellectually challenge me or make me think. I need situations that use my brain, not just my brawn. I've become practically a recluse and this blog is going to hopefully be the place where I figure out who I am again and who I want to be. My mind spins with so many ideas and desires that it needs to be compartmentalized and this is where I'm going to do it. Unfortunately, you will all be joining me on my mid-life crisis!
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