My mom is the most stubborn person I have ever met, ever. I don't know if it's a generational thing or just her but she absolutely refuses to admit she may be at a point where she really needs to reach out and ask for help. Even though she has fallen again, once again off of a chair, and her blood sugar is ranging from 500+ to 40 (the reason she fell out of her chair), she still thinks she is independent.
She finally scheduled a Dr.'s appointment to find out what is going on. I called several of her neighbors to coordinate a ride. Obviously, she cannot drive right now. She is not the best driver when she is healthy. I tell her all of the time she is like Mr. Magoo; she drives straight, glasses on, hunched over the steering wheel and meanwhile all matter of mayhem is taking place in the path she is leaving behind. Her operating any motor vehicle right now could be disastrous.
I asked her if her neighbor could come into the Dr.'s office with her. I did not expect her to be in there for the exam but for the part where the Dr. sums things up and makes recommendations. She exploded. She informed me she does not disrobe in front of people. I tried to explain that wasn't what I wanted. She talked over me. She told me her neighbor would have her business all over the community and that she is a very private person, blah, blah, blah. Then she said she would call me and tell me everything the Dr. told her. Well, I lost my temper and raised my voice. I told her she hadn't been able to give me any information for three days. Of course, she did not understand that I meant ANY, she kept saying she hadn't been to the Dr. yet so of course she couldn't tell me anything.
When I said that, I meant she could not finish a thought, she could not tell me if she had eaten, taken her medication, who she had spoken to on the phone, and the list goes on and on. I was so frustrated. I told her I couldn't help her and make plans if I didn't have the information I needed. She informed me, "if Amy (my bestie) was sick, you would already be in CT." I was mad. I am not still in NY because I don't want to be with my mom. I am here for a myriad of reasons but honestly that is not even in the running. I informed her that I can't just fly down there at will. I have a family that I need to make arrangements for. I have to find the money to get down there. She thinks I can just fly down to play with her because I will it. Unfortunately, my life doesn't work like that.
She accused me of conspiring with her neighbors behind her back. I was so hurt. I have been on the phone for HOURS, for days, with her and her neighbors trying to make arrangements so she doesn't have to worry about it. I got everything set so she can just walk out the door and now I've done something wrong? She told me she was sorry she "burdened" me with her problems and that I was acting like she had been "bothering" me for a week instead of just a few days. I don't think she had a clue she was calling me every hour and a half and just talking in circles. I was missing meals with my family, putting off chores, pacing laps around my house with the phone to my ear to listen to her rambling just to give her an outlet, just to let her know she is not alone.
I called some sisters. I told them I was resigning. I don't know when I became my mom's keeper but I quit. One didn't answer her phone. One's immediate response, "NOT ME!!!" Another's response, "You know what to do in these situations. You can deal with her." Really? I have no clue what I am doing. I want to call up and baby her and coo to her and agree with everything that comes out of her mouth. I want to yes her to death and not even pay one wit of attention to her endless prattling. I want to be the one who "cares so much about her" (yes, she says this). They care so much that the first thing they say is they have no room for her. The second is that there is no way they could live with her. The third is that I am better at dealing with her. So, I get to be the witch who can "deal." I stopped my mom from giving thousands of dollars to a scam artist and ruining her credit because they were afraid she would get mad at them if they disagreed with her? I guess I was willing to take my chances.
I have one sister who I know would help me. Unfortunately, she sat for three months and watched her daughter pass away in October. She gets an exempt card. I think watching one's loved one pass away is more than enough in a lifetime. She's the only other one who stands up to my mom when she sees her making a mistake and is willing to deal with her wrath. She is just not strong enough right now and I understand that. That is a legitimate reason to have to back off. Not wanting to "make mom mad" is not.
One sister informed me that I should call my mom because if something happens I will feel badly. I informed her that I absolutely will NOT. I flew to Florida and helped my dad pass away when my mom wasn't able. I organized every detail of his death and funeral. I helped my mom through a major surgery when everyone else had too many things to do. I have helped her with more things than I can count. My conscience is clear. I will call my mom to chit chat. I'll call and talk about irrelevant things and ohhh and ahhh over her. I will NOT try to help her. She is going to have to ask, sincerely ask, for my help. She is going to have to agree to give up the control and understand that any decisions I make will be with her best interest in mind. She is going to have to understand she doesn't have all of the answers right now and trust me.
Maybe one of my siblings who care so much for her and love her so much can fly down there and take care of her and this mess. Maybe one of the ones who she has been supporting for years can begin to payback one iota of what they owe her. Or maybe I'll grow wings and be able to fly down like the snowbirds who travel south every winter. I see a better chance of that happening.
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