Who Is This Man?

My husband and I walked the dog yesterday and it was beautiful out.  The sky was so blue with those perfect white cotton ball clouds and the sun was blinding.  The air was cold but there was little wind so it was the perfect day for a longer walk than usual.  I am pretty sure I dragged my jaw on the ground for most of it and I am SO hoping that somehow ups the calorie burn.

The things that came out of my husband's mouth were astounding.  There was one other walk last year when he opened up and talked about his brother's death and the difference in him afterward.  I KNEW all of the things he told me but to have him acknowledge them and take responsibility astounded me.  Let it suffice to say he is normally the strong, silent type.

Yesterday's walk was all about me.  He told me things that I had no idea he still felt about me.  He told me how much he loved me.  He told me how sweet and patient and kind I am.  He told me every time he looks at me he cannot believe how beautiful I am.  He told me he loves every inch of my body and that every time he touches it he wants to ravish me (YES! he said "ravish").  He said he loves my long hair and finds himself just staring at it all day.  For at least two or three blocks the list went on and on.

He said he had one more thing that he told himself he was going to get done on his list that he has yet to take care of and he is doing it this week.  He is making an appointment with a Dr.  When I say to you this last month has been a whirl wind, I cannot say that emphatically enough.  We got the home equity loan, we are in the process of changing insurance companies and switching our life insurance policies.  Tons of little things have been accomplished.  These are things that I have been "pestering" him about for years.  I feel like such a nag when I have to ask or remind him to do things so I usually just let it go. 

He told me that it is so unfair that I am never touched.  He said that he cannot imagine why I haven't had an affair.  I am the world's biggest overcommunicator.  If I think it, he knows it.  I have told him that our lack of intimacy has shattered my self esteem.  I don't like to go out or be around people any more because I feel like a huge, ugly, conspicuous freak.  The whole time I am thinking that everyone is looking at me and thinking how gross I am.  I know that is pretty egocentric but when you go from a passionate, loving relationship to a high five at bedtime, it messes with your mind.

I have told him a million times if ever there was a woman who had reason and opportunity to cheat, I was her.  I know and he knows I couldn't do it.  I'm way too honest.  I'd be the wife who says, "look, I got a new pool boy and he looks pretty edible so either we divorce or I will be cheating on you."  I don't want a new man.  I want my old man back.

There was a whole lot more said.  I just listened and let him get it all out.  Then I asked him why he couldn't tell me all this while we were having these conversations.  This is the kind of information that would have been very helpful while I was going on and on and he was staring at me like the lights were on and nobody was home.

Then he said he hopes it's not too late.  He hopes that we can start fresh now that so many of the details of our life are getting straight.  He hopes that now we can work on our relationship.  I told him I was one suitcase short of leaving him in my mind.  This is all very nice but when you spend years building walls and insulating your heart preparing for your independence you don't just tear them down because your partner has decided to open up.  Is it temporary?  Will he be the guy I have grown to loathe once he is off disability and back to work?

 I cannot stay if things don't change.  I cannot keep giving and being patient and waiting.  I may be waiting for things that will never be and I just don't know how much more time I am willing to invest.  I don't want to look back on wasted years.  Life is a gift and I try very hard to make the most of mine.  I cannot keep making exceptions in my happiness waiting for everyone else to find theirs.  But somewhere, in the deepest shadows of my mind, there was a little voice singing the Hallelujah and hoping like hell that THIS time he means every word he said.