Yesterday was one heck of a day. Let it suffice to say that there was wine at dinner last night, and lots of it! Trying to talk on the phone with my mother and straighten out her situation was similar to to sitting down your toddler and discussing his financial portfolio with him. Now imagine that toddler has all of the power, the final say on whether or not he likes your ideas. Oh, and now imagine the toddler has limited speaking abilites, you know, when they can speak but the sentences are not quite complete.
Trying to get any information from my mother is like a spy gig. I have limited information and have to try to piece together the puzzle from the bits and pieces I can pull from her. "I have the bank credit card, you know? The bank....but I don't want to get rid of that one...I like those girls there...they are like my friends." "Ask David Robinson if you can take that one off and just have the other one...you know the one....ummmmm.....ahhhhh....well, you know what I'm talking about." No mom I don't. I don't have a flippin' clue what the heck we are talking about.
I tried to get her to tell me her monthly income and her monthly bills to see where the hole in this equation is. "Mom, how much is your phone bill a month?" "Well, I called Brighthouse and I told that girl that I just want 23 channels on my cable. I don't need all of those extra channels anyway. I watch my Everyone loves Raymond and my games shows. As long as I have them I'm fine. We all know I get my money's worth out of my phone....hahahahaha....." GIVE ME A NUMBER!!!! GIVE ME A DOLLAR AMOUNT!!!!!! At the end of a good hour, I still hadn't a clue what bills she had. Every question had a story but rarely ended in a dollar amount.
Then the comment that cued the screeching brakes in my mind, "Well, I have that savings account with x amount of money in it in the bank." What? She's sitting on a chunk of money that she is drawing on every month and we are even having this conversation? Eureka! I can solve this problem in two seconds. I explained how she should take out enough money to pay her two highest credit cards and then work on paying extra on the rest until they go away. Her balances aren't that high (from what I could piece together) and she would still have comfortable savings left. "OH NO KIRALY!! I need that money in there! I need that money to live on. If I take out a big chunk I won't be able to pay my bills!" "But mom if you pay off your cards your bills will be significantly decreased every month and you won't have to draw any more. You will be able to live comfortably on your social security." Nuh uh, no way. It was not flying.
I actually sank to the floor, phone in hand, where I stood. Is this for real? After five years of explaining this concept to my husband eight ways from Wednesday am I really up against another person who cannot or will not accept that having a chunk of money in the bank is useless when you have credit card debt? That money WILL disappear but the debt will not. I can't do it. I am not strong enough.
Remember I said I am not a crier? Well, I cried when I hung up that phone. I cried like my heart might actually break and I would be a puddle of nothingness on the floor. I cried so hard, my husband started crying watching me cry. I cried at the futility of my mission. I cried at the knowledge that if I couldn't make my husband understand this when we live together and I could daily point out examples of how his financial methods were NOT working there was no way I was going to get my mom to understand this simple truth. I cried because I have not had two weeks reprieve from my husband FINALLY acknowledging his way is not working and maybe we should try my ideas. I cried because I'm just tired.
Then I was done. I got on the phone. I organized my mom's information (well, what I could figure out from the fragments) and came up with a budget. I went on line and found some senior housing to check into. I got proactive because crying has never solved a problem that I know of. I am stronger than I know. I can handle whatever life gives me and I know that because God will never give me more than I can handle.
I love God and I trust him. I know I have so many angels watching over me. I know I am smart and capable and that the only person who limits me in what I can do is me. I can do whatever I want. I can have whatever I want. This blog, this place, the support of my friends and family is a daily reminder to me that I am special and strong and what I say and do matters. I told my husband I am done being a victim and 2012 is the year I take control. I will never be at someone's mercy again.
My name is on all of my mom's accounts. I will not sit and watch another person destroy herself with the stress and worry that financial problems create. Especially not an 80 year old woman who had more than enough money to live out her life very comfortably. There is no way on earth she should worry about money at all. When my dad passed away she had more than enough to live until 100 very comfortably. I don't want to do it but I will intervene. I cannot let her do this to herself. She won't be happy and I don't want to take her independence away but she is just too confused and mixed up to do it on her own.
When my dad died, I had a little chat with him. He was in a coma but he heard me, I know. I told him to go ahead and wait for all of us. I told him I would take care of my mom and that he could go knowing I would watch out for her. She has made it almost impossible for me to do so. I never dreamed she would change so dramatically after his death and fight me so hard. Come hell or high water, I will honor that promise.
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