Still Waiting

 I was talking to a friend the other day who knows all about the drama that has been my life.  I told her that I am still waiting for....something.  I don't know what I thought I would feel when things started to look up but I expected something grand.  When I feel joy, it is usually so overwhelming that I feel like I could burst.  My emotions are usually so intense that they actually manifest themselves in a physical way.

Some days I literally vibrate because I feel so happy I don't know what to do with myself.  I want to run down the street with a huge goofy grin on my face.  I just wake up like this.  I will be going about my normal business but I have this energy and I know it's simply because I'm happy.  I feel this way alot.  Even when my life is not perfect, I still have more days like this than sad ones.

The last six months my anger has been that intense as well.  I was poised, waiting for one thing to rub me the wrong way, and I would pounce.  It was as intense as my happiness.  I would feel irrationally angry over petty, ridiculous things.  I knew I was overreacting and I was powerless to stop the tirade.  I did not even think myself capable of the anger I felt.  Repress long enough and your truth will find it's way out, whether you wish it or not.

So, shouldn't I be running down the street right now laughing like a demented hyena?  A huge chunk of my problems are about to be resolved.  Shouldn't I be delirious?  I'm not.  I'm flat.  I'm not angry any more.  I can feel beyond doubt that those emotions are ebbing.  I am absolutely resentful but I'm not angry.  I look at my husband and think, "why didn't you just listen to me years ago?"  This process has taken a huge toll on me and almost changed me.  Luckily, I realized that I did not like the person I was becoming and focused on myself before it was too late. 

It changed the mother I am.  I was short-tempered with the kids and they absolutely did not deserve that.  I think that was my wake up call.  When I saw myself snapping at them, it was time to change.  I've invested too much time into being a loving, kind mother to mess it up over things that did not involve them.  They do everything I ask of them and more and they certainly do not deserve to be barked at.  If they are contrary or do something wrong, I have no problem disciplining them but my children to not deserve to be spoken to disrespectfully because I'm stressed out.

Maybe it hasn't hit me yet.  The closing is next week.  The bills will go away and we will have one monthly payment that will be a fraction of our old bills.  That is going to free up alot of money every month.  Maybe when I have cash in my hand and can go to the grocery store and buy what I want instead of what I can afford, it will hit me.  Maybe when my children need something and I can just go buy it without telling them we can't afford it right now or they have to use their own money for it, it will hit me.  Maybe when a kid comes to my door selling candy bars and I actually have a dollar on me to buy one, it will hit me.  Or maybe it won't hit me at all.  Maybe the money being resoved is not the biggest problem after all.