Hello Guilt, It's Me Again, Kiraly

I was all set to jump on a plane to go help my mother.  She was completely incoherent.  She wanted me to take over her money and just get her out of Florida.  She is like a new person right now.  The problem is, she still wants me to come, "for a visit."

I feel awful.  I don't have the time or money to fly to Florida just for a visit.  I also know when her home sells I will have to go down there then to help her out.  To say that I do not have the lifestyle of a jetsetter is an understatement.  I'm still paying off the credit card bill for the last trip I had to take to help her through her surgery.

I have to tell her I can't come.  I am a huge coward.  I hate disappointing people.  I remember when I cleaned houses for extra money.  As I got busier with working as an esthetician I had to quit houses one by one.  Every time I had such huge anxiety I was literally ill.  I would work up my courage for weeks and then when I finally did it, almost every family showed only mild annoyance.  They made me feel like they could not live without me and then didn't miss a beat when I had to leave.  All of my anxiety was for naught.

I know my mom will understand.  She knows we don't have alot of money and that I am busy with my kids.  I also know she is lonely and missing her family.  I know since my dad died her life is so empty.  I wish I could go down once a year and play with her to give her a little something to look forward to.  She is so proud but every once in a while the walls come down and she admits she is lacking.  My heart breaks for her at those moments.  I cannot imagine having nine children and numerous grandchildren, who are adults with families, and rarely getting company.  Everyone in my family is so busy doing their own things that they never look outside the box.  We have a very, "what can you do for me and is this going to be fun for me" outlook on life.  It is rarely about what we can do for someone else just because.

I always feel torn lately.  Do I stay and work on my marriage or throw in the towel (because that seems a heck of alot easier lately), do I go to Florida now or when the house sells, do I let my son continue his lax attitude toward his college search or push him, do I hold my daughter back from all of the driving she wants to do right away or let her jump right in?  Every day I feel like I am facing monumental decisons and I am so worn out.  Do you want to know what I really want to do?  I want to get into bed, pull up the covers and sleep until everyone else decides everything.  That sounds a whole lot more appealing today.