Today is one of those days I cannot wait to be over. I don't like when I feel like this because I hate to wish my life away but some days I can just do without.
We have our physicals for new life insurance today. We changed our policies and got each of the kids their own policy. This way they have it for life. It starts earning a little equity the moment they get it and they will never have to worry about getting one. Life insurance is so affordable these days.
When we got our first policies in our 20's it was very costly. The last policy we had was a whole life policy and we were paying well over $300 a month just for my husband and I. We had the kids as riders on ours but it was minimal insurance. Now we all have significant policies and we even have a fifth policy and it's costing us MUCH less.
We can not eat six hours before the blood work. Of course my kids were NOT happy to hear this. They are livid they have to have bloodwork and not eating for six hours in their worlds is like 10 days. My daughter planned and had a big breakfast and brought a snack and is fine. My son is being especially quarrelsome. He doesn't want life insurance, he doesn't want a physical, blah, blah, blah. He is just like me. I haven't been to a Dr. in I can't remember how long because I just can't be bothered. When I am injured or if I ever got sick, I would go. I just can't make myself go "just because." It's not the right approach to healthcare but with the increasing "business" of doctoring and pharmaceutical companies, I admit to having become a bit paranoid.
I am dreading this because my weight is at it's all-time high. I feel really good. I have been working out, I have been eating well, the inches are coming off but my weight will not budge. I am freaking out. I know when I see that number being recorded somewhere it is going to mess me up. I am trying SO hard to stay positive and remember this is a slow process and a steady process. I did not put the weight on in one day and I will not take it off in one day. I KNOW this. My rational, intellectual, logical self knows this. My psychotic self is going to trip.
I hate that I'm like this. I hate that my anxiety is sky-rocketing because I have to get on a scale and have that number written down. I am trying to be calm and rational but I am crabby. I know I am not myself. My son whining about this is not helping. I know I should not take my crazy out on my family but I'm having my own crisis here, I don't have a whole lot left over to coddle him. Why am I so stressed about this? I guarantee if any other woman had to weigh as much as I do they would be fine. I have seen women in magazines that are my height and this is their goal weight. I have only ever weighed this much when I delivered my daughter. This is 25 lbs more than I weighed when I had toddlers.
When they got into school I did gain 10 lbs and I was very comfortable there. I decided it was a good number for me. Being so low was alot of work. I really had to eat very little to maintain it. Slowly, over the last two years, 15 more lbs crept on. I saw it happening. I wasn't happy but I was so emmersed in my own traumatic life that my weight was the least of my problems. Now I have finally decided to take control of it and change it and I have to have this number written down, forever recorded as my failure. It cannot be forgotten or a hazy recollection. Just like every thing I write in this blog, it is now my truth; never to be manipulated in my mind to make coping easier down the road.
I know I'm making this too big. I know my son is making this too big. I know this little 10 minute physical is nothing. I cannot change how I feel. I wish with all of my heart that I could. I wish I could take control of my mind, demand it stop these ridiculous meanderings and be ok with myself. I wish, for just once in my life, I could accept myself as I am, not want to change one single thing and appreciate my uniqueness, my gifts. Someday. Someday, these will be my truths.
"smack" did you feel that kiraly? Yes that is your friendly "What for". Ok you have said it now work it. Kiraly your beautiful damn it! Head high and take that number . It's only a number.
ReplyDeleteExactly what Kit said! You are beautiful!!! It is just another day and it will pass. You could get on the scales at the doctors and find out yours are 10 lbs off. Let's be positive hehe
ReplyDeleteExcuse me Dee while I go slit my wrists!!!! lol Honestly, I do KNOW this stuff. Logically, I know it. My frustration is not being able to make myself accept it. I am very strong-willed. I usually have complete control over my emotions. They get away from me for a while but when I decide to reign them in and change something, it happens. None of this is said to get positive feedback or ego-stroking. This is deep and just about the only part of my thinking I CANNOT control.
ReplyDeleteLike I said, I am REALLY trying to stay positive. To embrace the new me and be comfortable with her. I am trying to see my body in a new way. I am trying to focus on it's strength, what foods I'm putting into it, having it carry me to old age. I was really ok with the scale because I was wrapping my thinking around the positives. It has not been easy. My instinct is to just cut way back on the eating, like I usually do. I don't want to do that this time. It works and I keep the weight off for years but I'm so tired of always worrying about eating.
I was doing SO good. I just know me. I know this is going to freak me out. I know my anxiety and short-temperedness is DIRECTLY related to this. I don't like it. I'm trying so hard to change it and it's making me so frustrated because I just can't will myself to do it. When I got honest with myself and thought last night, "why am I so cranky?" It was instant...I knew this was in the back of my mind. Of course, then I had to blog about it.
I was just on the phone with my bf. I told her I really need therapy. Seriously. I think I need therapy for an eating disorder. It is not normal for someone my size to be this consumed with/freaked out by my body. It is actually frightening that I have this level of self-loathing and I have no idea why or where it comes from. It is frustrating and very real. I try so hard to change and be positive and then this comes up and sets me back. It shouldn't. This shouldn't be an issue and it shouldn't deter me from my goal.