Saturday night we attended a fundraising event and it just so happened there were two women there who I used to be very good friends with. Of course I've seen them before and maybe it's all of this work I'm doing on myself or maybe just seeing them both in the same place but I really, for the first time, thought about those relationships.
One was an acquaintance from college. Naturally when I moved here after college I really didn't know anybody who actually lived in town. All of my friends were fellow students at the local college and moved back home after graduation. This girl was from town and attended college locally. She was a few years younger than me but when she sought out a friendship I was eager to accept.
She and her husband became "that" couple. The one that you do everything with. The family that is your second family. We were always together and we always had a great time. It was a very relaxed relationship. It's rare to find another couple who parents similarly. I've really liked alot of other couples but their kids were the deal breaker. They were crazy and the parents too lax in addressing it. Misbehaved kids are not my idea of a fun night.
Eventually they divorced. That was the end of our relationship. We tried to stay friends with both but the husband sought us out and would come over alot for support. She assumed we had "chosen" him and was hurt because she was our friend first. That was not the case but I didn't put forth much effort to convince her. She was changing. She is probably one of the most insecure people I've ever known and she counters that by being so over-the-top. She started speaking in this really haughty tone and sort of like a snake. You know, "sssssoooo, I've been sssssssuuuuper busssssy ssssssince I've ssssseeen you lasssst..." She actually started walking with her nose in the air, literally.
I think it was a defense mechanism. She assumed everyone around town was blaming her for the divorce so she was going to shun everyone before they could cut her. I get it, it happens alot with divorced couples. Bottom line, she had changed and not into someone I would choose to hang out with. I still love her for all of the good times we had. She is a really fun gal but not my cup of tea at the moment.
The other "friend" was someone I really had to work to like. Unlike my fun friend, she is NOT someone I would have ever chosen to befriend. The circumstances of our relationship were thus that for my childrens' sake I felt it would be easier to be friends than enemies. I had to open my mind, I mean Grand Canyon open, to make this happen. I had more arguments with my husband and his family to build a friendship with this woman. My logic eventually won out and we managed to build a really amicable relationship.
Once I got to know her, I genuinely liked her. She did not have the best upbringing and had made some poor decisions in her life but I saw someone working to better herself. She was back in school, even though being in school in my late 30's was the most reprehensible thing I could have imagined. She was working hard to polish herself up, trying to dull the harsh that a less than stellar childhood leaves. She was funny and interesting to talk to. She was energetic and open. She had a habit of lying but I think that is something that is hard to change when you've done it your whole life. Most of them were inconsequential, silly lies over silly things that were transparent but I was able to ignore that. I felt she really had more good going on than bad.
Everyone warned me. They told me she was manipulative, lying, cheating and that her "true" colors would shine through. I defended her. I said she was really a changed person. Eventually people put aside their judgements and began to look at her for who she was, not who she'd been. Even my husband admitted she had changed. That is HUGE. This was a woman whom he hated. It's the only person I have ever seen him really hate.
I was wrong. We had a disagreement over money left in a will. I saw then what everyone told me I would see. A greedy, grasping, selfish woman, not the person I thought I knew. She became so defensive. I'm still not sure why. She implied that I was criticizing her mothering. At NO point was that even an issue. Bottom line, my brother-in-law, from his own mouth, told me he did not trust her and did not want her involved in his son's money, ever. I basically had to say that. She was on her second boyfriend when he died. She lied to him at every turn and he knew the lies for what they were. I told her I wish he could see that she was a different person but I had to respect what he had asked of me. She said she couldn't plan for her son's future not knowing how much money he had. I told her 14 was a little late to start when she had been receiving tax-free money every month from the government to raise him since he was five.
She said if it was me, I would know exactly how much money my kids had. That is where she is wrong. If it was me, I would have had a full-time job the minute I was able to get one. Every penny I got from social security would have gone into a bank account for my children. Not only would I not know how much money they were getting, I wouldn't even ask once they got it. They would not have a father. Money could never make up for that but you can bet I would have squirreled away every penny of it trying to ease their pain somehow. I would have understood why the father of my child made the decisions he did at the time of his death and respected them. I would have been mother and father to my kids. I would have lost my identity completely in my effort to make up to them the fact that they literally only had one parent on this earth.
It occurred to me after all of this settled that neither one of us really knew the other. I apologized at the end of the conversation for having to have cross words but I couldn't change what was. From that point on she ignored me whenever she saw me. My husband was furious. I was really ok. I was glad I didn't invest any more time into a facade. I was sad for my kids but I have to say, they have seen me extend the olive branch more than once. I am always cordial when I see her. I don't hate her. I don't judge her. I'm a firm believer that until I live someone's life, I don't make assumptions.
Maybe some of what I said hit home with her. Maybe she is carrying guilt about how she has mothered. Maybe she wishes she had handled things differently in her past. I don't know and really, I don't care. If being honest with someone turns them against you, do you really want them as a friend anyway? I do know she lost one of the best friends she would have had when she decided to shun me. Once I befriend you I don't change my mind.
I truly hope she finds her happiness. When I look at her life objectively it seems like it's still a long time coming and I hope she finds what it seems like she is still seeking so desperately. Honestly, one less "fake" friend in my life just opens up more time to invest in the people who are genuinely in my life because they want to be.
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