Cue The Reality

I told my husband that once we got the home equity loan and paid off our bills that I would be taking over our finances.  He was completely agreeable.  I actually sensed he was relieved.  I'm home all day any way so really it isn't a big deal for me to take part of my day to write checks.  I welcome another chore.

Last night my daughter called from dance and told me she needed some new ghillies (she is an Irish dancer and these are the soft shoes).  The last few times she has danced they have flown off of her feet because they are so small.  I told her to go ahead and order them.  We stayed on the phone and discussed a few more things she needed and she put in the order for those. 

As soon as I hung up, my husband asked what the call was about.  I filled him in and right away he started asking, "How much are they?  How much is that?"  I told him not to worry about it.  I would be handling the bills and it would be fine.  Let's just say, he wasn't really on board any more.

I asked him what he thought it meant when I told him this was how it was going to be.  He said he was NOT going to NOT be involved at all.  I told him that he was not going to micromanage me.  I never got involved when he was handling our finances and I expected the same respect from him.  Then he told me I SHOULD have been involved. 

At this point I told him THAT was completely evident.  I told him I was foolish and naive.  I lived in fantasy land.  He has had exactly four jobs since we have gotten married; go to work, pay the bills, mow the lawn and take out the garbage.  I ignorantly assumed that he was taking care of business.  It never occurred to me to ask questions.  He didn't ask me how I was raising the children nor taking care of our home.  I knew money was always tight but I assumed it was because we were a one income family.  I expected sacrifices.  I saw us use credit cards but assumed they were being dealt with in a responsible way.

Then I was angry.  I explained that he had forfeited the role of financier in our house.  Just like any other job, when you don't perform it satisfactorily, you are fired.  Essentially, he was fired.  I was never going to be ignorant to my circumstances again.  I was never going to be a victim to anything, ever again.  When he spent my childrens' bank accounts and then tried to lie and say they never had them, he lost my respect and my trust.  I don't think he will ever completely earn back the latter.

Every day I find another reason to be grateful for my mistakes.  I refuse to wallow in self-pity or regret.  I've messed up, alot, how do I take something positive from that?  I'm thankful this has happened to my family.  I think I lived a charmed life for too long.  Yes, we had hard times but this has been a true test of my character. 

I am slowly finding out what I'm made of.  I'm learning I am still that independent girl who graduated college eager to take on the world.  The girl who never dreamed of a man in her life, just a giant walk-in closet.  I've given up every iota of myself in the name of my family.  In some strange way, it brings me great comfort to know Kiraly, just plain old Kiraly, still beats within.