I have decided I have multiple personalities. That is my problem. The rest of this is the "fluff" covering the fact that I am certifiably insane. Although I'm not sure why it's called madness. I don't feel mad, I'm beginning to feel nothing at all.
My husband is back to work. He had Friday off. He came home Thursday night and while we were eating dinner, he popped up no less than four times to do something else. Crazy things that could have waited until after dinner. We were all talking and actually hung out around the table for a good half hour after dinner just talking about different things. He was at the counter going through some papers, not conversing at all. He then went to the computer and was making copies and trying to fax something. It was work-related so I didn't even ask. This distraction continued until I left to pick my daughter up at dance at 9:45 p.m.
The next day was much the same. He went out to do a couple of errands and was gone for hours. When he was home it was non-stop texts and phone calls from the guys at work. There are alot of changes going on and somehow my husband has been nominated to be in charge. It has always been this way. He is an officer, like everyone else he works with, yet he is deferred to and handles every issue that arises. That night after dinner, I told him that he was completely absent. Even though he was physically present, he had not been "home" for 24 hours.
He told me that if he has something that is important to do for work and he can't pay attention to me then that is just how it is. I think that is the first honest thing he has said to me in years. On one hand, I was hurt. I felt like some whiny, pathetic thing begging her husband for attention. On the other hand, I was relieved. Finally, I know what I'm up against. For no matter what comes out of his mouth in his "trying" phases, this is really how he feels.
We had a fundraiser to go to last night. When I came downstairs he said, "Now I feel underdressed, it's only a baseball event." I had on jeans, wedge boots, a simple blouse and a cardigan. I said, "Would you prefer I had worn sweats? I'm always more dressed up than you." Normally, I would start to second guess my choice and fret and change. Last night, that was not happening. He later said I looked nice but the damage was done. I am sick of hiding. I am a dress-up girl, I always have been. I like my hair super-sexy and a face full of make up. I'm tired of trying to please him instead of myself.
He complained the event was too late (it was 7-11) and I was disgusted. I mean, are we 75? Should it have been 5-8 (I did ask him and he said that would have been preferable). I mean, I am 43 years old. He seems so much older to me. I have the life of a senior citizen because my husband has become one.
By the end of last night I was asking myself what the heck I am doing? I DON'T want this life. I DON'T want this man. I am so tired of feeling such joy and hope in the good times and such emptiness in the dark times. I feel like my life is passing by and I have no passion for it at all. I could care less if I open my eyes just to face a day that is going to be a replica of the one before it. I literally have nothing to look forward to, ever. I'm beginning to feel this is not a phase but rather my reality.
Then he will be charming and funny. He will say something wonderful and make me feel like the most special woman in the world. That's when personality two makes an appearance and is convinced that this marriage is worth everthing to save. I wonder if there is a pill for that?
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