I want to go to Florida. Last night I made up my mind that I want to go to Florida to be with my mom and help her out. Here is the caveat, I don't want to book my return flight.
I need a break. I need to get out of a house that is all negativity, all day. Yesterday I had the flu. I'm talking sleeping on the bathroom floor flu. If I even swallowed, I vomitted. My husband, luckily, got out of work at 3 p.m. I had my daughter making an easy dinner because he was going to work until 6 p.m. originally and I didn't want everyone to wait until midnight to eat. There was ZERO possibility I could cook even the simplest thing.
I was on the couch and I heard the three of them sit down to dinner. Of course it was a fun meal. There were frozen onion rings and tater tots involved. If my 16 year old was cooking it couldn't be too complex. I heard my son and daughter start bickering over something. Then my husband intervened. He told my daughter she couldn't have any more tater tots. He then said, "Isn't that enough food anyway? You had a big manwich and your brother only had a grilled cheese." I HATE (did I mention, HATE) when he criticizes her for eating too much. I have told him this no less than 1,000 times.
I do cut my daughter off. She has no limit. She is very active and dances a lot and burns calories like a machine. I try to explain to her that she needs to understand portions because she is not always going to be this active. I am her mom. We have a totally different relationship. She knows I'm not criticizing her. We can say anything to eachother. When he says the exact same things to her, she gets defensive and hurt. A father is always supposed to look at his daughter and see nothing but perfection. I know that's how I felt with my dad. He wouldn't have noticed if I was 300 lbs. I have explained this to him, over and over and over.
My daughter ended up asking if she could finish her meal in her room. As I was walking into the kitchen I heard him starting with my son. Now this was all his fault. He was swearing and complaining and criticizing him. I lost it. He is so negative and miserable. I am really convinced that until I am away from him, far away, I will never be happy again. I was so sick I couldn't even walk or sit up but I could scream my head off at that moment. I felt nothing but hatred for him.
I think this is him. I want so badly for my marriage to work and I keep deluding myself into thinking my old guy is in there somewhere. If I get really honest, blinders off honest, I think this new version is it. He just doesn't get it. He becomes stuck in a behavior. This is the way we've been so this is how we will be. The only people who can change the tone of this family are us. We need to lead by example. We need to bring back the positivity that used to define us as a family. We need to handle our emotions in a mature, calm way as opposed to snapping and criticizing.
I'm ready to move on. The logistics are in place and mentally I am ready to proceed into the future I desire. I just don't think he can change. He is an unhappy man. He is a mean man. He is a man who believes he is a victim. I am a witch and he is reacting. Well, I will take ownership of that in the past. I was frustrated and angry. I criticized him at every turn. He was ruining our family with his stubborness refusing to seek help. Yes, I was less than stellar in my behavior. I own it and now am ready to change it. We've talked about this. I've expained my desire to put that behind us and move forward in a positive momentum. He agrees and then acts exactly the same.
I know my daughter will be upset if I go to Florida. I need to do something though. I feel trapped. I feel like I have no choices. I was back on the couch and he just kept talking. I told him to shut up. My head was pounding with the sound of his voice (not to mention the flu). He wouldn't stop. He just kept talking. I finally grabbed my slipper and threw it at him. Now I'm acting more insane than he is. This is our life. This is our relationship.
I don't want to be crazy. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to hide in my bedroom because I cannot be on the same floor as my husband. That's when I thought a change of scenery may be just what I need. I need to remove myself from the dysfunction so I can make a decision. I think as long as I'm here I will be determined to make this work. I need some space to look at this objectively and make some plans. I need to figure out just how much more I'm willing to invest in a situation that has no hope.
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