All Cried Out

I am an emotional trainwreck.  The slightest little provocation cues the water works and I'm a blubbering, blotchy mess.  I am disgusted and done.

I have no idea who this woman is.  I have no idea when I decided the best way to deal with my problems was to cry over them rather than try to fix them.  The only answer I can come up with is that I have lived in this middle land for so long that I was numb.  I woke up, repressed my anger, repressed my sadness, thought about how angry and sad I was all day, got through the day,  lather, rinse, repeat.  Letting myself verbalize through writing what is really going on in my life is taking it's toll.  Like I said when I started this journey, when I gave voice to the chorus it was going to get real and there is no more denying.  No more pushing things aside until a more convenient time.

My daughter's 16th birthday is this week.  I always envisioned an amazing party.  There is nothing I like better than putting together a party.  I love everything about it.  I wanted a theme and a teen menu.  I wanted to prepare all of the food myself because I love to cook and entertain.  I knew the venue I wanted and envisioned her dress and the decorations.  None of that is happening.  She will be home like every other birthday with the same people who come to all of our family get-togethers.  It's our fault.  We were financially irresponsible and now we are paying the price for it.  It is what it is but it doesn't make it less disappointing.

I'm redoing her room instead.  It's going to be fairly inexpensive to do.  I will be repurposing alot of things from our home and she had been hinting around that she had outgrown the theme of her room.  She's very excited and we've been on pinterest making a board of all of the things she would love to have and then browsing the web to find similar looks for less money.  We're having alot of fun with it and I think she will be happy.  That makes it easier.

I need to get through this week.  Way back when, this birthday was my goal.  I needed to get through every major event before I decide, once and for all, what I'm doing.  Maybe that's why the emotions are simmering so close to the surface and bubbling over so much more than they ever have before.  Our subconscious is a powerful entity.  It knows what we are thinking even when we don't allow ourselves to formally acknowlege those thoughts.  Our minds will deal with issues whether we decide we would like to or not.