Approved!

Does anyone else see endless blue, sunny skies and hear the birds singing?  Today, that is all I'm seeing and hearing despite the actual grey dreary day outside my window because we have been approved for a home equity loan!!  Cue the insane euphoria!

We got the amount requested and this nightmare we have been calling life will be over.  I will sit right there while the checks are written.  We actually will have a little leftover and I believe we should pay off smaller bills with that that we did not factor into our actual "debt."  We haven't decided but I will say this, whatever is done with it WILL BE partially my decision.  I will not back down.  I will not agree with plans that I know are not a good idea just to be peaceful.  I will be a wretched shrew if that is what it takes to make sure this money is used to maximum advantage.

Now that the terror has passed, I can honestly say, I am happy we've had this experience.  Of course that is easy to say now that I have a way out within my reach.  I have learned so much because of this.  I have learned so much about who I am and  what I really want.  I have learned that I don't have to settle and sometimes in an attempt to keep the peace you create more animosity and upheaval than you can dream.  I've also learned that your true feelings will eventually find a way out.  I don't care how hard you try to tell yourself that everything is ok and that your problems don't matter, eventually you have to deal with your issues.  Repression only works so long and when everything comes to a head it is significantly more intense than if you had dealt with the problems when they were beginning.

I have learned that marriage is hard.  I have also learned that I am not a woman who walks away from it when the going gets tough.  I think this surprises me most of all.  I was the type of girl who left relationships simply when they bored me.  I certainly wouldn't have stuck around if we had had any real problems.  I am of the mindset that my next true love is around every corner.  I am not hard to please and have no doubt that I could find another true love.  It makes it easy to move on when you are confident you will find happiness again.  I think if you are happy inside and send out positive energy the universe has no choice but to reciprocate.  I would have good things come to me again.

I don't know what this means for my marriage.  I always dreamed that once the financial issues were over I would look at my husband and feel exactly how I did before this mess.  I am not finding that to be the case.  I am VERY surprised by that.  I had actually visualized us fixing this and then just being happy and intimate and passionately in love again.  We are not.  I am not.  There has been a shift.  Somewhere along the line my feelings have changed.  Maybe I am hurt and need some time to heal.  Maybe I am relieved and still processing that and cannot take on any other emotions at this point.  Maybe I'm hesitant to open myself up and lay all of my emotions on the line to have them ignored and stomped on.  Or maybe I've changed.  Maybe I've grown and this is no longer what I want for myself.  I don't know anything for certain right now but I do know I am no longer that impulsive, free-spirited girl who will make a rash decision without weighing the consequences of it for endless, excruciating hours.