I'm Leaving On A Jetplane

Well, my mom called last night.  She's worse, if that is possible.  She admitted she cannot cope any more.  She had two messages on her machine from someone saying it was very important she call them back "today."  She could not understand the message in order to catch the number.  She also could not tell me who the message was from or what it was regarding.  She just cannot process information any longer.

The last time I spoke with her was Sunday.  I called to offer the olive branch so that our rift could be healed and her pride would not keep her from calling if she needed me.  She can hold a grudge forever and has.  I refused to give any opinions or guidance.  I knew she would not be receptive.  In her mind, I was conspiring behind her back with her neighbor and trying to share her personal business with someone in her community.  That was all she spoke about, over and over and over.  She could not see that what I did came from a place of concern and fear.  She will never see that.  My mother is always right, in her own mind.  She made it very clear that I was wrong and she will be handling this.

She also mentioned my brother was going to fly down to stay with her for a while.  I thought that was a great idea.  He hasn't got a job, a wife nor any kids so he has absolutely no reason not to go.  I asked her about that and she said that him being there would confuse her more and make her more nervous.  He doesn't understand all of this "stuff" and he's not educated in it so he won't be able to do it.  I'm not sure when I got my education in elder care but I seem to have forgotten the whole curriculum.  She doesn't think her 52 year old son can handle the basic responsiblities of life.  I'm not sure what that says about him, or her.  Since she has been supporting him on and off for more years than I can remember, I may know where this opinion is coming from.  I thought he should go down and work off some of his debt to her but of course, as my mother said, what I think is irrelevant.

I told her I am happy to help and I am.  I also told her that if she wants that help it has to come from me without arguing and challenge.  I'm not going down there to play and go to lunch.  If she cannot handle paying her bills they will come here and I will pay them.  I will make the decisions and she has to be willing to give up that control she is so in love with.  I would never do anything to her detriment.  She is going to have to put her faith in me and trust me.  I don't think my mom has ever put her faith completely in another person and just trusted that they would take care of her.  She is fiercely independent and set in her ways.  This is going to be challenging at best.

I am so overwhelmed.  For a minute yesterday I was able to breathe.  I assumed my brother was going down and that was why I hadn't heard from anyone.  I thought I was going to be able to focus on my daughter's 16th birthday and really enjoy it and make it all about her.  I was finally relieved.  Now I am right back to juggling.  When this part of my life is over, I am considering joining a circus because I have become a master juggler these past few years.

I am making lists and then lists upon those lists.  I have no idea what I am up against because I've never had to do this.  I know I will figure it all out.  It's funny, so many of my siblings keep saying, "well I wouldn't know what to do."  I have no idea what to do but I don't have anyone to pass the buck to so I guess I will be figuring it out rather quickly.  Isn't that life though?  We have to do everything once right?  I'm pretty sure I never knew "what to do" before I actually did it.

I told my husband I want to fly out within the next couple of weeks.  I just want to get through the birthday party and then fly out as soon as possible.  His response, "We won't have the money by then."  I really have been thinking about it and I don't think I have ever said a word to this man that he doesn't add one more obstacle to my problem or some more negativity.  You can bet I let him know it too.  When he has a problem every word that comes out of my mouth is to help him solve it or to lift him up.  If he was telling me about something that was wrong it would never occur to me to throw out one more problem he didn't think of yet.  I may think it but common sense tells me that is not the time to point out another hurdle.  I shared this with him.  Of course, then he said we could borrow the money from his parents and then pay them back when our income tax money comes.  He had already shared this little tidbit with me when this all went down so that is why I assumed flying out was not going to be a problem.  If he already knew that why wasn't that what he said as opposed to something negative?

 Then he told me he supports me and always helps me.  I told him, that yes, I can see that.  He supports me much in the way he loves me, with words.  Words filled with emptiness.  Words with no action behind them.  Words that come after words that have slashed and cut and hurt.  Words that I no longer have faith in and am not sure I want to hear anymore.  I'm sorry is empty if you keep repeating the offending behavior over and over.  I love you is empty if you can never know what I need and just give it to me without a script.  I support you is empty when I have to argue with you to get help.  Life is empty when it is filled with nothing but meaningless words.