Put On A Happy Face

I have wonderful friends.  When I say I love them and would do anything for them I mean that from the bottom of my soul.  That's usually why I have such a hard time understanding friends who desert others in their time of need or don't have eachothers' backs.  When you call yourself a friend, you take the good with the bad.  Maybe that's why I choose to have a few rather than an entourage.  It's not a commitment I make lightly.

I have a friend who follows my blog and she and I were chatting yesterday.  She shared that she experiences so many of the same thoughts and feelings that I'm going through.  She has been through a life that would probably have beaten me but she has risen from her circumstances, taken life by the horns and is creating the one she wants.  It was worth every dirty little secret I have bared on here so far.  It hasn't been easy, airing my dirty laundry, but it is turning out to be worth it.  I've also had other friends tell me they are having the same feelings, going through the same things.  My goal in starting this is coming to fruition.  I am not alone.  We are not alone.

She told me that I do a better job of hiding it than she did though.  I thought about that a long time.  Am I hiding it?  Am I putting on the happy face to mask my sorrow and sadness?  Another one of those introspective moments where it was time to get honest with myself.  The answer is no.  I'm not a sad person.  I'm not completely consumed with this aspect of my life.  Overall, I am more joyful and thankful than mired in this mess.

I really think I could have ignored the issues that I've been addressing in this blog for the rest of my life and had a pretty happy one.  Granted, lately it's been harder to be around people with my husband because this was starting to consume my thoughts.  I really think that is because my subconscious knew I was repressing my issues and they wanted out.  They wanted a voice and it was getting harder to quiet the chorus.  For so long I was content to just move along, blissfully ignorant to the bad in our lives.  I spent all of my energy embracing the good, the positive, the joyful and just ignoring the negative.

Don't I deserve better?  Don't I deserve all of the joy life has to offer me?  I spend all of my time and energy making sure my home is a happy one, that the memories my children take from here will be more good than bad.  Don't I deserve to really be happy, inside and out?  When I say I could live with anyone, that is absolutely true.  Unless you hurt me directly or my children, my philosophy is live and let live.  I don't judge because I don't care.  If you want to mess your life up and end up a hot mess, who am I to tell you you shouldn't?  I don't have all of the answers.  If you ask my opinion, I won't sugar coat it but if you choose not to take my advice, so be it.

This blog is the result of knowing I want it all.  I don't want half and have to settle with that.  I'm a great wife and a great person and I deserve someone who knows that.  I told my husband he doesn't appreciate me because he got me right out of the gate.  He didn't have that "crazy ex" to compare me to.  I'm a great cook and love to entertain yet my weight is in check.  I love to keep a cozy home and have it nicely decorated yet I always look decent as well.  I'm intelligent but also funny and down-to-earth.  I don't like to argue.  I don't do drama.  I'm not a "crier."  I'm not a complainer.  Whenever he is down or stressed I ALWAYS find the words to make him feel better.  I don't freak him out or fret about our doom.  I talk him down and get him to see that in the big scheme of things these little "tragedies" are so inconsequential.  Life happens, stuff happens and it's going to continue to do so until the day we die. I'm just chill.  I like calmness and laughter.  It is so rare to find a woman who does all of these things.  Usually you have to give up one to get the other.   He needed one needy psycho in his past to see all of this. 

I know I'm sounding egotistical right now but I'm also brutally honest.  I know I have faults, lots of them but overall as far as life partners go, I'd marry me.  I'm one of nine children and my mother always tells me the only one she could live with is me.  I took care of her this year when she had some surgery and stayed with her for ten days.  She told me it's the best she's felt in years.  Her home was infused with laughter and purpose.  I don't let people around me pout.  Life is a gift and it's up to us to make the most of it.  None of us should waste a moment of it because we are going to blink our eyes and it's going to be the end of it.  I don't want to be in that place saying I wish I had spent more time enjoying my life rather than squandering my energy on a bunch of situations I was powerless to change anyway.  We are going to have disappointments but how much energy we choose to spend on those moments is entirely up to us.  We can let it consume us or we can realize our limitations and move along.

So am I hiding my pain?  Nope.  I'm just letting the crazy out for a little romp, giving it some air and seeing what becomes of it.  I'm confident I'll figure out where to stable it in my brain eventually. I just finally realized I needed to bring it in from the far pasture where it's been left to graze for a little too long now.