Worth Every Penny

I love being a stay at home mom and wife.  I also love having a job.  I love the independence I gain.  I love dressing up and having a purpose other than getting the bathroom fixtures as shiny as possible.  I love the intellectual challenges a job presents and the social aspect.  I have alot of fun when I work.

This last time I went back to work I thought I had finally found the perfect balance.  I worked part-time, the kids were old enough to be almost independent.  My husband had to drive them to classes and practices and prepare dinner a few times a week.  Simple, right?  As it turns out, no.

He was overwhelmed to the point that he was almost completely manic.  He would literally vibrate with stress.  He was dropping my daughter off for dance classes almost a full half hour early to make sure she would never be late.  Almost every meal was now fast food because of the time constraints.  I'm not sure what that meant as I had the same schedule and was able to make dinner and have everyone eat it.  He gets out of work at 3 p.m., plenty of time to whip up a quick meal.

Almost every night when I got out of work at 9 p.m. I would come home and have to listen to everyone's complaints.  It usually started with a text or a voicemail and I knew the minute I walked in the door I would have to hear the rest of the drama in full excruciating detail.  I would be euphoric from a great night at work and feel the energy draining out of me on the drive home anticipating the negativity I would be encountering.  My communication with everyone became reduced to me playing mediator to everyone's petty problems.  There was no more "talking," just disagreements.

I quit my job to repair my family.  I wasn't really giving up any viable income.  The pittance I made didn't make or break our budget but I was giving up something I loved, again.  The kids were thrilled.  My husband was relieved.  He never told me to quit and did not influence me one way or the other but he was happy to have things back to "normal."  I was angry and sad.  I was so mad that this family cannot function without me.  They are so dependent on me to keep the machine running that I will never have a life separate from this role.  It felt like a burden.

Yesterday was a really busy day.  I took my daughter driving in the morning.  My husband surprised us and brought home lunch.  I told the kids they could eat in the living room while watching tv.  They asked if we could eat at the table.  I helped my daughter study for her regent's exam and put a shine treatment on her hair.  My son came home from baseball workouts and talked and talked and talked.  If you know my son, you know this is rare.  Dinner came around and we just had soup after the take out lunch.  Again, I told the kids they could eat it wherever.  Again, they asked if we could eat together at the table. 

I have asked myself a thousand times why I didn't just insist on going back to work full-time when I sensed our financial problems.  I have blamed myself for not taking the initiative and just doing it.  After all, the majority of families now have dual-incomes and they all survive.  They all figure out how to work it out and I'm confident my family would have done the same.  Yes, it would have been challenging and yes, it would have been different but I should have just done it to help with our income and worried about everyones' feelings later.

Yesterday it was so clear.  I had such a sense of peace.  I have not sacrificed a thing.  I have not hurt my family because I didn't go back to work.  Has it been a struggle?  Absolutely.  Do I feel badly when I see other kids getting things we can't get our kids?  You betcha.  You know what?  I have made the greatest investment of all.  I have amazing kids.  They are 16 and 17 and have never once disappointed me.  I know everyone thinks that I'm exaggerating but if I am willing to be so honest about every other messed up aspect of my life I certainly wouldn't hesitate to put it out there if my kids were less than perfect.

We go to their grandparents' house several times a week.  They never even bat an eyelash.  We have family dinners and they look forward to them.  When I tell them to do something or not to do it, they don't argue or whine.  We have discussions and if we disagree, they make their points and I do the same.  I can't remember a time we were not able to come to a compromise that worked for both parties.  They have friends and do things with them but they understand that family comes first.

 I have done this.  My constant presence in their lives has been the foundation for this family.  My sacrifices have not been in vain.  It is so easy to pity myself for the time lost and the things I've wanted and not had.  It is so easy to look back on all of the years as "wasted."  As I sat around that table last night, at my childrens' insistence, I realized yet another positive that has come from the mistakes we have made in our lives.  Sometimes it is only through the hard times that we can truly see what matters.