After my disinfecting spree yesterday I ended up back in bed. I knew I would while I was doing it but it had to be done so it was worth it. The saddest part, I liked being in bed while everyone else was going about their day. I realized I loved not having to be engaged.
I put on the tv for two days and just watched whatever I wanted for two straight days. I didn't have to watch the same stupid tv shows that we watch every night. I got to choose my very own stupid shows to stare at. I didn't have to sit through the painful event we call dinner. Dinner used to be my very favorite part of the day. We would all sit down and converse. Really talk, about things that mattered.
Now either my kids bicker which ruins it for me or my husband starts with one of the kids or stares so intently at someone eating that I want to claw his eyes out. This is another new thing for him. He clocks what everyone eats. He can absolutely tell you if you had seven fries or ten and he stares so intently at us that it makes us all uncomfortable. Meanwhile, his appetite has diminished to borderline anorexia. I've never seen a grown man eat so little. He likes his wine and chips later though. I have no motivation to cook at all because he gets so little pleasure out of eating.
Of course he has always been picky. I cannot make anything resembling a casserole, nothing with cheese (any kind), nothing with cream sauces, nothing with pieces of meat (stews, etc.), nothing with gravy, we can't have beef more than once a month or so, if we have chicken he doesn't want it for at least another week, the list goes on and on. I LOVE to cook. I love to cook everything and it really puts a damper on things when my choices are so limited. It's actually annoying.
I like the fact that I've been so nauseous I haven't been able to eat. I haven't even been able to sit up for more than a few minutes so I can't even join them for the company. Last night as I was laying in bed, not missing dinner at all, I thought this could work for me until I get things straight to go to Florida.
I will prepare dinner and have one of the kids put it in the oven or I'll just have it done and head to bed. I've been wanting to drop a few pounds so this will serve double duty. I get to miss dinner, skip the drama and hopefully lose some weight.
Is this yet one more coping mechanism in a long list of them? Yes. Is this escaping so I don't have to deal with my life? Absolutely. But you know what? I don't feel angry or sad. I don't feel much of anything. I guess you could say I feel peaceful. I don't have some insane rage simmering just below the surface. I don't have to worry what kind of raging lunatic I'm going to act like. I don't have to analyze and regret my behavior for that day. Most importantly, I don't have to waste more time trying to fix something alone. I don't have to feel frustrated that my husband's behavior seems to be deteriorating as opposed to improving despite the fact he says he wants our marriage to work. I don't have to listen to any empty words.
After reading the part about him staring people down at the table, I was screaming at the top of my lungs "For the love of you children, leave this man NOW"
ReplyDeleteI could never live this way!
Ok, so now let me share this. I have been sick and Valentine's day was the last thing on my mind. This morning we all woke up to cards and gifts on the table. The sweetest, most meaningful cards and the most thoughtful gifts. He really picked something we would each really love along with the traditional chocolates. The cards were lovely. So, you see, for every horrid behavior there is the sweetest contradiction. My husband used to be only the sweet side. That is why I'm so hesitant to give up. I can't know for certain if this is a "phase" and my old guy will come back. However, if this is it, if this new critical, crabby guy is the new husband, how long do I delude myself?
ReplyDeleteSweet or not it doesn't make how he behaves "on the flip side", ok. At some point you'll need to decide if the sweetness is even outweighing the horrid behavior anymore. During the miserable behavior is there any indication he realizes how he is behaving, the things he is saying, how its effecting the rest of you, and acknowledges that it is wrong and out of habbit he is trying but its a struggle for him to stop the behavior? Are the number of sweet times still more than the tension filled tirades? Only you can decide.
DeleteHonestly, I would have to wonder if he might be on drugs?? I couldn't let my son any where near a person who acts this way. I couldn't allow my son to witness all the negative behaviour and grow to think that is the way an honorable man acts to the people he loves. It is just too little to late as far as I'm concerned, but I don't live in your home. I just think this is really damaging your kids.
DeleteHaha...in reading what I have written just in this blog I can see how you may think he could be on drugs but I can assure you that isn't the problem. If my children were young and this was him, I think I would already be gone. My kids are 17 and 16. I can honestly say, THEY have only seen this "weird" side of my husband the last few months. Our relationship has had tensions for several years but nothing that ever affected our family...I guess you would say "normal" long marriage tensions. I can honestly say, my kids adore their father. He was the most loving, supportive, kind wonderful father a child could want. This critical, crazy man is new.
ReplyDeleteThe biggest reason I started this blog was because "our" relationship was starting to affect the family, as a whole. This was how I knew something was seriously wrong. For him to be flipping out in front of the kids was so out of character and for him to be mean, was not even something I could equate with the man I've been with for 22 years. I found out about our money problems right before I started this blog. I think the noose was tightening and my husband was not able to control his stress and was acting out. That was the only viable reason I could come up with for the insane mood swings.
Now, however, that should be abating. This is why I am so desolate. I cannot reconcile that a man who has been so sweet and wonderful can just morph into this guy in a few months. It makes no sense. I have also considered there may be something medically wrong with him. He just does not seem "right." He is chronically tired (even when he gets plenty of sleep) and he has a cough (he is NOT a smoker). He just does not look well to me and some of my family has commented the same, he looks very tired and drawn. I have mentioned my concerns and he said he is going to get a physical. Only he can make that appointment and deal with that though. He's a big boy. His only brother died of cancer at 34, that should be enticement enough to go.
It is at the point where I am very close to moving out. I want to make sure it is the right decision when I do though, for I will never move back home. My kids are at an age where we do talk about the situation. They are as perplexed by him as I am but they tell me to cut him slack for the most part. They are more adept with dealing with his moods and they are the ones who tell me that he doesn't mean the things he says afterward.
I let them know that marriage and life are difficult and that we have been struggling a bit lately (the money) but I don't go into specifics. I just tell them that life has ups and downs and that we've been in a down but hopefully we are getting things together and things will be like they've always been sooner than later. I have also discussed with them the possibility that if things don't change that I will be moving out. They would prefer that it not come to that but they do understand that it is better than living in animosity and stress.
Let me add, if I had written a blog about my marriage prior to recently, you would have been sick at how idyllic it was. That's why I put in another post the other day that I'm thankful for the problems and mistakes we've made. I was living in a fairytale. I didn't know a couple could be as in love and blissful as we were. I didn't know I could produce children as amazing and perfect as mine. They have never caused me a day's stress or worry. They only added to our love.
ReplyDeleteI think that's why this is so crushing. We truly were "that" couple. They one that always acted like newlyweds. I was the wife that my friends were jealous of because every time my husband looked at me the love was so enormous he couldn't hide it. I adored him and couldn't do enough for him.
Not to make excuses but this is my place, more or less, to complain. So, it's very one-sided. This is the place where I am processing all of this because I literally feel crazy some days. How can my marriage that was more than I could have ever dreamed of be this miserable? How can the man who loved me more than I thought a man could love a woman look at me with such disgust?
This is what I'm trying to figure out here. I don't want to give up the best thing I've ever had until I know it's over, really and truly over. We've had many hard times in our marriage. Times I thought we'd never get through but we did get through and loved the same on the other side. I don't want to be rash. I have to make sure the decision I make, one way or the other, is right.
Wow Kir - bravo again!! However, I do not think that you need to waste your time responding to your own posts so that someone who does not know a thing about you will change their opinion. I have some other news for you - your husband still looks at you that way. You can see it in your photos and I witnessed it myself in person!! He adores you - he is upset with the situation and does not know how to handle it - men deal differently!! And for someone to think that even for a moment he could be using drugs is just preposterous! Do not give that comment any weight. Keep on venting, keep on exploring - opening your eyes to the real world is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family!! Do not let others judge - after all this is YOUR space and others do not have to read if they are offended. Others should not leave rude comments about someone they only have learned about from reading a blog!! And I have to add that from the very beginning you were clear that this blog is YOUR space for venting - seriously only uneducated insecure individuals jump on the band wagon of a one sided conversation! Don't give up - you will get through this and one day while remembering the past all of these troubles will become a chuckle!! In the end you will know what the right thing is but running away is not it...
ReplyDeleteI also have to add that I personally have taken offense to the insinuation that he is not an honorable man...seriously how many women in this world today understand what an honorable man really is? Not many but you my dear have one of the last ones (I have the other) and even honorable men are human and deserve to not have to be perfect at all times!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you my biggest cheerleader! xo In her defense, she is getting a VERY one-sided view but of course that is all this blog is about. It's about not "glossing over" and ignoring things that were building but rather processing them. If we are not proactive about these problems, they will not just disappear.
ReplyDeleteI can honestly say this is the biggest rough patch our marriage has seen and we have weathered many. It is the first time I have ever felt hopeless and like moving out was even an option. The other times were hard but I never felt unloved. Men are slow. I'm hoping he's just having a hard time catching up and once he does he will be himself again.
As a stranger, reading these things, he does sound horrid. He IS horrid when he is this man. Luckily the kids and I are very close and we do process this phase of our lives. I can't protect my kids from all ugly things in the world. In a way I want them to see that marriage is a struggle, I feel they will be more prepared for their marriages some day and better able to cope with the realities of it.
I do not for one moment feel the environment has gotten so bad that I'm doing permanent damage to them. We all know that would NEVER happen on my watch. If they were younger and surrounded by this kind of negativity I would have a different perespective of course. They can't escape it then. Now they jump in the car and go do things. They are much less affected by the changes than I am.
I also agree, he is crazy but he is very honorable. That's never been in question for me. He is one of the most compassionate, loyal, trustworthy, honorable men I've ever met and I've never even worried for a moment the example he's setting for my children. We have an enormously close family and all of our values are firmly in place and I have no doubt that my children will carry that in adulthood.
You know what, I do not know you nor you husband that is very true. What I was trying to do her was be "pro" you, and show you how an outsider was seeing this. I do NOT live in your home and am only getting one side to ever situation. And if you think I was trying to be negative or suggest you shouldn't share your feeling you are so off the mark.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it all, and I hope you guys can all find the happiness you all need!
I think that came through. Like I said, you are only getting one side and that one side is only negative. Of course you are going to draw the conclusion you have. You don't know me and you are only going by what I'm writing. I don't think you are being negative. I think you are giving your opinion, as best you can, being presented ONLY with the information in this blog.
ReplyDeleteI also think it was very evident your comments were being made in my best interest. Again, based on what I'm writing here. It's hard for my friends who have known us to even believe I have these feelings and problems. They have alot more perspective about us personally. Of course they are going to see things very differently from a stranger just reading my "drama."
Frankly, I like both perspectives. It helps me look at things objectively. It helps me to see how I am presenting right now, at this moment, as I am. Not the person, or couple, we've been but where I'm at right now. I can honestly say your comments have made me look at myself and examine my motivation. It's made me realize I was being petty and spiteful, not productive. And isn't the point of this to progress? Isn't the point of exploring all of these feelings to figure out how to evolve and move forward?
I told my husband with the whole "bill paying" situation exactly what I said to you. That I was speaking out of anger and spite and that ultimately it was counter-productive to what I want out of our marriage. I don't think I would have realized it or done that if you hadn't asked my motivation in not working together. We have now decided that is what we will do.